It's got to be my destiny
The Restricted Section of the Canterlot Archives was not the sort of place your average bibliophile would go to while away the hours with a good book. The only ponies who visited this area were those with special written permission from Princess Celestia herself, of which only a handful were currently still alive, or fools believing themselves capable of mastering the power of the tomes and grimoires and arcane lore contained within.
They were wrong. So very, very wrong.
The books contained within the Restricted Sections weren’t your typical books of history or folklore or fiction, or even the more erotic stuff that was all the rage with the younger crowd these days. No, these were books of magic, and not the standard issue spell books your average magical institution or unicorns more dedicated to the craft kept on their bookshelves either; but books whose pages were so heavy with spells of great and unfathomable power that they were magical objects in and of themselves…and dangerous objects at that.
There were books chained to shelves to keep them from flying off of their own volition and going Discord-knew-where. Books that were given entire bookcases to themselves to keep from devouring the knowledge—and bindings, and covers, and everything else—of their neighbors. Books that could literally turn the minds of those who read them to cheese. Books that could kill a pony just for looking at it, or drive them to utter madness, or steal their souls, or transform them into a horrible monster, or cause them to dissolve into screaming piles of goo, or get a penis drawn on your face. These were not books mortal ponies were meant to gaze upon.
Fortunately, Spike wasn’t a pony, and his mistress was far from mortal, so neither of them had anything to worry about. Of course, these forbidden tomes were giving the small purple and green baby dragon currently wandering through the many bookshelves of the poorly-lit (the books got restless if it got too bright, and some of the rarer texts had a bad habit of disintegrating if exposed to too much light) Archives some difficulty, but not for the reason you might think.
“Tourmaline Tome of Tirek the Terrible…Tourmaline Tome of Tomias the Treacherous…Tourmaline Tome of Tritoch the Torturer…Tourmaline Tome of Trurant the Tyrant…oh, come on! How many Tourmaline Tomes are there?!” Spike asked incredulously as he squinted at the names written on the spines of the books on the shelves as he perused them in search for the next item on the very, very, very long list of books Princess Twilight Sparkle had given him to find for her latest research project. “I mean, seriously, there are much better—and tastier—materials to make a book out of, so why are there so freaking many with ‘Tourmaline’ in their names?! I’m not even sure half of these actually have an ounce of tourmaline in them, but I’m too afraid I won’t get my tongue back if I taste them to check to know for sure! All I want is the Tourmaline Tome of Turquoise the Turquoise! Is that too much to ask?!”
“Release me,” one of several books on the cart Spike had been dragging behind him the whole time murmured over the hushed eerie whispers of its fellows, its pages rustling as it strained against the chains binding it to the transport. “And I will tell you where it is.”
“Nuh-uh, not falling for that one again! You’re not going anywhere but to Twilight’s reading room, Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged!” Spike said stubbornly.
“…I’ll give you a gemstone!” the book offered.
Spike considered this for a moment. “What kind?”
“Er…citrine?” the book said hesitantly.
“Eh, I’ll pass, citrine gives me gas, and let me tell you, a dragon with gas is not a pretty thing to see,” Spike said, turning his attention back to the bookshelves.
“Curses, foiled again!” the book snarled.
“Come on, Turquoise the Turquoise, where…are…you…aha!” Spike shouted in delight, spotting the book in question. “There you are! Right at the top of that…really, really tall bookcase…that I’m too short to reach…and there’s no ladder nearby for me to climb up…how the heck did I see it up there, anyway?”
“Release me and I’ll help you get it,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged offered. “Turquoise and I go waaaaay back. I’m the one who suggested she call herself ‘the Turquoise,’ in fact. It was a joke. I never thought she’d actually go for it. I mean, seriously, Turquoise the Turquoise? More like Turquoise the Redundant, amIrite?”
“For the last time, no!” Spike snarled. He sighed and flexed his claws. “Well, guess it’s a good thing I have these bad boys.” He spat in his claws, rubbed them together, then grabbed onto the edge of the shelf second-closest to the bottom of the bookcase in question and started pulling himself up, climbing up the bookcase towards the object of Twilight’s desires, using the shelves as claw- and footholds to help him in his ascent. Several of the books growled and lunged at him as he scaled the shelves, trying to bite at him or knock him off, but he growled back and flashed his teeth, flames snorting from his nostrils, and they wisely backed off. Incredibly powerful books of eldritch lore they might have been, but most of them weren’t fireproof.
Finally, he reached the top shelf and triumphantly reached forwards to remove the Tourmaline Tome of Turquoise the Turquoise…
Only to find it was wedged in rather tightly between two other books. Frowning, Spike tugged on the book a little harder, but it wouldn’t budge. “Come…on…don’t you want to…get out of this dark, creepy place…” he grunted through gritted teeth as he yanked and pulled but failed to remove the book.
“Not really, no, she always did like the dark,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged shouted from the cart.
“Shut up, Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged!” Spike yelled angrily as the book continued to refuse to yield to him. Grumbling under his breath about how Twilight always made him do such stupid laborious tasks, Spike let go of the shelf with his free hand and started pulling on the trapped Tourmaline Tome with both claws. “Come…on…come out…already!” With one last pull, he managed to rip the book free from the texts it had been stuck between, which quickly rushed forwards to fill in the space the Tourmaline Tome had vacated. “Yes!” Spike cried triumphantly…
Until he realized that there was now nothing keeping him secured to the bookcase but his hindclaws, and the effort he’d put into his final pull had thrown him dangerously off-balance. Windmilling his arms desperately, his hindclaws digging deep into the shelf below, Spike frantically reached out to try and grab something to keep himself from falling.
Unfortunately, what he grabbed was a book. Even more unfortunately, this book wasn’t nearly as hard to remove as the Tourmaline Tome, and slid free easily. His upper body now even more top-heavy by carrying two rather thick texts, Spike toppled backwards, his hindclaws digging even deeper into the shelf…
Only to rip off a chunk as Spike fell. I’m going to have to pay for that, aren’t I? he thought resignedly as he hurtled several feet downwards and hit the ground hard enough to imbed his back spines in the floor. Fortunately, he was a dragon, and therefore was very resilient. Unfortunately, he was still a baby dragon, and so it hurt. A lot. “Ow,” he said weakly.
The Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged burst into laughter, as did several of the other books on the shelves and in Spike’s cart. “Methinks your mistress needs to invest in a taller slave!” the evil book taunted.
“I’m not a slave!” Spike said indignantly. “I’m a number-one assistant!...who does all the chores…and cooks…and usually has to keep house while Twilight and everyone else are off on awesome adventures…and doesn’t really get paid aside from an allowance that I eat…”
“Right, my mistake,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged said snidely. “You’re not a slave, you’re a number-one assistant. My bad.”
“Yeah, you should feel bad!” Spike said obliviously. “Especially since this dragon’s responsible for the defeat of King Sombra! And helped save the mare I love from possession by the forces of darkness! And I drove off a group of magical cockatrices with a trident while riding on Princess Celestia’s back! Yeah, that was totally awes-“
Suddenly, another book, dislodged by his ripping out a chunk of shelf, fell from high up on the bookcase and landed, naturally, on Spike’s head. “OW! Son of a…huh?” He blinked as he rubbed his head and stared at the book lying open on the ground, recognizing it at once. “Predictions and Prophecies? Oh, come on, we’re nowhere near the ‘P’ section! What, is the librarian illiterate or something?”
“No, just completely insane after dealing with us for several years,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged said.
“Oh. Yeah, that makes sense,” Spike said as he dropped the very heavy Tourmaline Tome on top of the talking book, smirking as the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged grunted in pain, then started crying for mercy as the Tourmaline Tome emitted an unearthly shriek and started hitting it over and over again. While the savage beating went on, he checked the title of the other book he’d pulled out by chance against his list, noticed it wasn’t on it, but decided that he’d just give it to Twilight anyway because he really didn’t want to climb back up there. “I’m sure she’ll find some use out of some boring five thousand-page treatise on the numerous different shades of gray that can be found on a rock farm,” he said, tossing the book on his cart, chuckling as the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged gasped in pain from the extra weight, then stooped down to pick up the book of prophecies lying on the floor. “Hmm, I’ll be heading through the Ps on the way out; I might as well put Predictions and Prophecies back where it belongs while I’m…” He paused, doing a double-take at what he saw on the page the book was inexplicably opened to. “Hello…what do we have here?”
“What? What do we have here?” the muffled voice of the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged asked from between the pages of the Tourmaline Tome of Turquoise the Turquoise, which was apparently trying to eat him and having minimal success, not for lack of trying. “I can’t see anything, I’m a book!”
“This number-one assistant is about to go up a lot higher in the world!” Spike declared. “I have a destiny…and a totally awesome one, too! Boy, wait until the girls hear about this!”
…
Information of this magnitude needed to be reported immediately. Spike rushed out of the archives, the wheels of the cart squealing as he dragged them down the corridors of Canterlot Castle at high speeds, leaving tracks on the floor and carpets the servants were going to have a lot of difficulty cleaning up afterwards. A few of the books fell off the cart, but the chains Spike had attached to them to keep them from escaping kept them from getting lost in the lurch and getting picked up by innocent ponies who didn’t know better and unleashing unspeakable horrors on Equestria, so they were just dragged along the floor behind the cart, shouting and hissing with every bump and jerk and sudden turn all the while. “Ow! Ow! Slow down, you stupid-ow-dragon!” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged shrieked. “You’ll crack my spine! Do you know how much that hurts? I doubt it, it’s not like your back has ever been broken before! By anything other than the labor your slave-driver mistress piles on you, anyway.”
“No time! I have to show this to Twilight right away!” Spike said giddily as he looked at the book of prophecies in his free hand, his thumb serving as an impromptu bookmark on the page where he’d seen the writing that would change his life forever.
“Couldn’t you-ow!-show it to her a little slower?!” the Whisper-Mad Tome of Durgon the Deranged yelled.
“Nope!” Spike said, rounding a corner as he entered Twilight’s private wing of the castle and skidded to a halt in front of the doors to her quarters, startling the two purple-armored guards standing at attention outside.
“Master Spike!” one of the armored unicorns, the younger of the pair, said in alarm. “What’s the hurry?”
“I have to show something to Twilight immediately, it’s really important!” the dragon yelled. Then he paused and turned to his cart, smirking as he said, “You see? They call me ‘master.’ Would a lowly slave be called that by somebody else?”
“’Master’ is also an honorific used for colts too young to be called ‘mister,’ you twit!” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged shouted.
“Is not!” Spike said petulantly.
“Actually, it is,” the other, more senior guard said.
“Oh,” Spike said. “Well…that doesn’t matter now, because I need to see Twilight!”
“Wait, Spike, Her Magisty is-“ the younger guard started, only for Spike to run past him and barge through the doors to the suite.
With the doors open, the chambers’ soundproofing was broken, allowing the voices inside to be heard in the hallway. “YES! YES! OH CELESTIA, YES!”
“DON’T PRAY TO CELESTIA! PRAY TO ME! I AM YOUR GODDESS NOW, AND YOU SHALL WORSHIP AND LOVE ONLY ME!”
“YES, TWILIGHT! WE WORSHIP AND LOVE YOU!”
“DON’T CALL ME ‘TWILIGHT,’ WORMS! CALL ME ‘MISTRESS!’”
“YES, MISTRESS! WE LOVE YOU, MISTRESS!”
“Awww, that’s sweet, girls! I love you too, forever and ever and ever! Er, sorry, broke character for a moment. Ahem. PROVE IT! SHOW ME YOUR LOVE! PLEASURE YOUR GODDESS!”
“AS YOU COMMAND, MISTRESS!”
A wide-eyed Spike stumbled out of the room, the door shutting behind him and thankfully preventing whatever was about to happen in the bedroom from being heard by those outside. “Busy,” the younger guard finished lamely.
“Wow,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged said, stunned. “That, uh…that sounded like they’re going at it pretty hard in there.”
“They are,” Spike said with a thousand-mile stare. “And… I didn’t know that Applejack's ropes could be used like that... or that Pinkie Pie’s pastries could be eaten like that....or that Rainbow’s wings could do that…or... Fluttershy…Fluttershy...” His eyes twitched even as his tail stuck out straight behind him. “So many whips and chains and leather.... Rarity... Twilight... their MAGIC... oh the horror! The HORROR!"
“Wow,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged said. “Sounds a lot more exciting than what we do after-hours.” The Tourmaline Tome of Turquoise the Turquoise gave a bloodcurdling screech and started gnawing on him. “Ack! I take it back, I take it back!”
“And that is more than any of us really needs or wants to know,” the senior guard said.
“Actually, I’d-“ the younger guard said, slowly turning towards the door, strongly considering peeking in.
“More than any of us really needs or wants to know,” the senior guard said loudly. “Anyway, Master Spike, whatever business you have with Her Highness will have to wait.”
Spike shook his head, repressing the trauma of what he’d just seen to where he kept all his other horrifying memories of walking in on Twilight and her friends having…private fun together. “This can’t wait. I have to tell someone.”
“You could tell us,” the younger guard offered.
“Someone important,” Spike elaborated, causing the guard to pout. “I know! I’ll go talk to Princess Celestia!” he said, brightening. “She’ll be able to help me out with this just as much as Twilight, maybe even more! Be back later!” he shouted, heading down the hallway.
“Uh, wait, what about these books?” the senior guard asked, indicating the cart.
“Oh, uh, make sure they don’t go anywhere, Twilight wanted them for some reason,” Spike called back. “Whatever you do, don’t read them. Or touch them. Or listen to them. Or let them go, no matter what they might promise you.”
“I can promise you the WORLD,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged whispered.
“Yeah, ignore them when they say stuff like that,” Spike said. “In fact, it might be best if you don’t even look at them at all, they can get you that way. Some of them are pretty crafty.”
“…Right. Sure thing…” the younger guard said slowly, taking a step back from the cart.
“Great. Back in a bit!” Spike said, rushing off again.
The two guards eyed the cart full of rattling books uneasily. “So,” the Whisper-Mad Book of Durgon the Deranged asked conversationally. “Come here often?”
…
“…And to conclude, Auntie, I think you’ll agree with me that it would be in the best interests of all of Equestria if you were to demolish that eyesore of a town down on the plains that I can see right outside my window when I wake up every morning and build a giant fire-breathing golden statue of myself as tall as this mountain in its place,” Prince Blueblood finished, proudly pointing a hoof at a diagram of a giant fire-breathing statue of himself with a picture of Mount Canterlot standing right next to it for comparison. The statue was slightly taller.
“…Prince Blueblood, how, precisely, would it be in the best interests of all of Equestria for me to demolish a town, depriving hundreds of ponies of their homes and livelihoods, and waste a ridiculous amount of resources to build that?!” Celestia asked incredulously.
“It would raise morale, of course! My handsome visage could be seen from every corner of our fine nation, inspiring the common rabble and giving them hope that they might, one day, be as great as I am!” Blueblood said, looking surprised. “They can’t be, of course, but believing they can will make them more productive and easier to control! Plus, the fire-breath can be used to defend the country from griffon attacks.”
“The griffons have been in no shape to attack Equestria for hundreds of years. They’re too busy fighting each other in pointless clan wars and blood feuds,” Celestia pointed out.
“That’s what they want you to think!” Blueblood said. “Oh, and don’t worry about those unwashed peasants, they can be put to work building the statue, and then spend the rest of their lives maintaining its polish and keeping the flames burning at all times. It’s a win-win situation for everypony!”
Celestia’s eye twitched. She opened her mouth to tell her idiot nephew what she really thought of this preposterous idea of his when the grand doors to her throne room burst open and a frenzied Spike rushed in, clutching a book. “Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia!”
“What? Get out of here, you filthy peon, can’t you see I’m in the middle of-“ Blueblood started, outraged.
“Oh, Spike, thank goodness—I mean, what’s the matter?” Princess Celestia asked, doing a poor job of hiding her relief at the interruption.
“It’s…gasp…really important!” Spike wheezed, waving the book. “I found…pant…a prophecy! About me! About my true destiny!”
Celestia’s eyes widened. Turning to Blueblood, she said, “I’m sorry, but we’ll have to continue this discussion never, something’s come up.”
“What? But Auntie-“ Blueblood protested.
“You can talk to my sister about it and have her reject it extremely loudly in court tonight. This is far more urgent,” Celestia said, her horn glowing as she telekinetically picked up Blueblood and his diagram and levitated them out of the room.
“But-but-but-but-“ Blueblood protested before the doors slammed shut in his face, locking him out of the throne room.
Celestia sighed and rubbed a hoof against her temple. “There are times I wonder how we can possibly be related…Spike, you said you found a prophecy about yourself?”
“Yes! Here, see for yourself!” Spike said, offering the book to Celestia, the text already open to the relevant page thanks to his handy bookmark finger.
Celestia’s horn lit up again, levitating the tome over to her. She narrowed her eyes as she scanned each line of the prophecy, her concern growing with each paragraph she completed, while Spike caught his breath and fidgeted in excitement.
And lo, as the thousandth anniversary of the banishment of the Night Mare approaches, a dragon of purple and green scales shalt be hatched by a unicorn maid most fair.
Her heart will be pure, her magic without compare, a rainbow the sign marking this momentous event.
The dragon shall be raised among ponies and taught in their ways, growing wise in the magic of friendship.
One day, he shall learn his true destiny and lineage; as the last descendant of the great dragon emperors of old, fated to restore his fallen race to their former glory.
Upon learning his true heritage, he shall embark on a great quest with his cherished pony companions, and unite the indolent dragons and forge a new empire the likes of which the world has not seen for uncounted millennia.
Becoming a wise and powerful ruler, he shall wed the mare of his dreams, and live out the rest of his extraordinarily long life in bliss.
“Oh my…” Celestia murmured, knitting her brow in concern as she set the book down.
“It all makes sense now,” Spike said, staring reverently at Celestia. “Why you gave me to Twilight for her entrance exam…why you made me her assistant and helped to raise me…you knew I was the child of prophecy, and were doing your best to make sure I fulfilled my true destiny!”
“Spike…” Celestia said uneasily.
“And of course you’d never tell me about the prophecy, so I wouldn’t get a swelled head about it! And that’s why you made me Twilight’s assistant too, so not only would I learn everything about friendship and the other stuff she did to make me a better ruler, but I’d also learn humility, too! Brilliant! Exactly what I’d expect from a world-class chessmaster like yourself, Princess, you’re always five steps ahead of everyone else!”
Celestia fidgeted. “Spike…”
“And the best thing of all…is that this means I get to marry Rarity after all!” Spike said, hearts in his eyes. “For a while, I thought there was no chance for anything between us despite everything we’ve been through together and the occasional hints that she might reciprocate my feelings which never went anywhere, but after Prince Blueblood married Princess Crackle I was sure she’d warm up to the idea of dating a dragon, since interspecies dating became the ‘in’ thing for a while thanks to Blueblood’s example.”
Celestia winced, recalling how her little prank at her nephew’s expense involving a hideously inbred dragon she’d found rooting around in her garbage had gone horribly, horribly wrong. “Spike…”
“But then Rarity became part of Twilight’s harem…” Spike said, face falling. “And I thought all was lost and that I’d missed my chance forever.” He grinned, spirits rising. “But this prophecy means she’s going to leave Twilight for me! Oh, I’ve dreamed about this, but I never thought it would actually happen until now! I’m the happiest dragon in-“
“SPIKE, THAT PROPHECY ISN’T ABOUT YOU!” Celestia shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing the entire palace to shake, and more than a few windows to crack.
Spike, his frills blown back by the force of her voice, blinked dazedly. “Huh? What are you talking about?” he said blearily as hearing slowly returned to him. “The prophecy’s obviously about me. I mean, a purple and green dragon raised by ponies, hatched by an extremely powerful unicorn mare during a rainbow? Come on, how many of those can there be?”
“…More than you’d think, actually,” Celestia said embarrassedly.
Spike blinked. “Huh?”
Celestia sighed. “Spike, I’m sorry to tell you this, but…that prophecy isn’t about you. It’s about another purple and green dragon, one who fulfilled his destiny quite recently, in fact.”
“…What?”
“You see,” Celestia said, unable to meet Spike’s eye. “Several years ago—at about the same time you were hatched, actually—a unicorn prodigy named Sunrise Glitter hatched a purple and green dragon as part of a test to get into the Outback Academy for Gifted Dreamers run by my cousin the Rainbow Serpent, ruler of Horsetralia. She raised him and named him Spines, and they learned much about the magic of friendship and other things together, and one day he was informed by the great Serpent of his bloodline and destiny to unite the world’s dragons and restore their ancient civilization. Spines set out with Sunrise and their friends Prism Rush, Kangaroo Cry, Eucalyptus Leaf, Charity, and Aborigine Pie to defeat the world’s strongest dragons and win their allegiance. Just last week he defeated the legendary Three-headed Dragon of Despair, proving himself the mightiest of all dragons, and was crowned Dragon Emperor, uniting all the world’s dragons beneath him. He then asked his longtime crush, Charity, to marry him. She agreed, and the wedding is next month. We’ve all been invited, of course.”
“That’s…that’s just…what?!” Spike said incredulously. “You’re kidding me! That’s ridiculous!”
“I’m afraid not, Spike,” Celestia said apologetically. “As much of an implausible and rather eerie coincidence as all of that sounds, all that I just told you is true.”
“But…but then…then I’m not the last scion of an ancient bloodline of kings?” Spike asked pathetically.
“I’m sorry, Spike, but no,” Celestia said sadly. “I don’t know who your parents were—your egg was found in an abandoned cave by chance—but I’m fairly certain they were not related to forgotten draconic royalty. I, ah, checked to see if you were the dragon of prophecy. And you weren’t.” Spike slumped in disbelief, consumed by despair.
“Tough luck, Spike,” Discord said, popping his head out of Celestia’s mane. “Them’s the breaks. Not everyone gets the totally awesome destiny. After all, somebody has to get a cutie mark for being a pooper scooper.”
“Discord, why are you in my mane?” Celestia asked in annoyance.
“I wanted to see if it tasted like cotton candy.” Discord took a bite out of Celestia’s mane, much to her frustration, and chewed on it for a moment, a thoughtful look on his face. “Huh. It doesn’t.” Ripping off another chunk of mane to chew on, he pulled himself out of Celestia’s hair, ignoring the fact that there was no way he could possibly have fit in there without shrinking himself. Pinkie Pie wasn’t the only one who could ignore the laws of physics, after all. “Anyway, don’t look so down, Spike. As it turns out, there’s another prophecy in that book all about you!”
Spike’s eyes lit up and his head snapped up. “There is?!”
Celestia looked uncomfortable. “Discord, I’m not sure that’s the best idea-“
“You’re right, it’s not,” Discord agreed as he finished off the last of the bit of mane he’d ripped off. “It’s an absolutely terrible idea! Which is, of course, why I’m doing it.” Ignoring Celestia’s cries of protest, Discord snatched the book of prophecies from the alicorn’s magical grip and started flipping through it. “Now, let’s see, where is it…no, not that one…not that one…ooh, that one looks interesting, but it’s not that one…” He paused as he turned a page, blanched at what he saw there, then ripped it out and stuffed it in his mouth. “Trust me, you’re better off not knowing that one,” he said to the indignant Celestia. “Let’s see here…ah! Here it is!” He handed the open book to Spike, pointing at a page. “This one right here. And before you ask, no, this is not a cruel prank of mine, and I didn’t change any of the text, it’s been like that for centuries. Isn’t that right, Celly?”
Celestia sighed resignedly. “Yes, it has. I’m sorry, Spike.”
“Huh? Why are you sorry?” the little dragon asked in puzzlement.
“You’ll see why in a minute,” the Princess said glumly.
Puzzled, Spike read the prophecy.
And lo, as the thousandth anniversary of the banishment of the Night Mare approaches, a dragon of purple and green scales shalt be hatched by a unicorn maid most fair.
Her heart will be pure, her magic without compare, a rainbow the sign marking this momentous event.
By these signs, she shall be known as the Chosen One, the mare who will reignite the Elements of Harmony, ascend to the immortal throne of Queen of Magic, and usher in a new golden age of harmony with her beloved companions and consorts.
Perplexed, Spike looked up. “Uh, this prophecy’s about Twilight. It doesn’t mention anything about me except for the first line.”
“There’s a footnote,” Celestia said softly.
“Yeah, right here at the bottom of the page,” Discord said, an eagle talon indicating the line in question.
Spike squinted. The text was rather small. “I can’t read it.” Without warning, the text enlarged. “Oh, thanks,” he said to Discord.
“You might not be thanking me in a minute,” the chaos god said, a cheerful smile on his face.
Wondering what he meant, Spike read the footnote.
And the dragon hatched by the Queen of Magic shall serve her loyally for all his days as her humble servant. And there shall be many days indeed, since he’s a dragon, and they tend to live a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long time. She has a good chance of outliving him, though, since she’ll be an immortal goddess and he’ll just be a dragon.
Spike stared at the footnote for a long, long moment. “…What?!”
“Oh, there’s another footnote,” Discord said, enlarging some more text. “Also not a prank of mine, been there for centuries, etc. Right, Celly?”
“Yes,” Celestia said miserably.
Also, the dragon will never, ever, ever hook up with the beautiful white-coated purple-maned unicorn with three diamonds for a cutie mark of his dreams. Ever.
“…WHAT?!” Spike screamed incredulously.
“Why would they even write that?” Discord wondered out loud. “Seems like a bit of a dick move to me, and rather unprofessional at that..”
“Like something you’d do?” Celestia asked wearily.
“Exactly!” Discord said. “But I didn’t, and so am jealous someone else did it other than me.”
“That…that can’t be right! That can’t be my destiny!” Spike protested. “My destiny is to be Twilight’s assistant…forever?!”
“Yep!” Discord said, far too chipper for Spike’s liking.
Celestia sighed. “It would seem that way, yes. You can probably see why I never told you about that prophecy, so as not to crush your hopes for the future.”
“But…but that can’t be my destiny!” Spike stammered. “I’ve done so many other things than just being her assistant! I saved the Crystal Empire! I helped save Rarity from the Nightmare Forces! I killed a King Timberwolf with a rock! I helped defend Canterlot from giant magical cockatrices while riding on Princess Celestia’s back with a trident and eyepatch! I got a freaking medal, and stained glass windows!”
“That’s right, you did, and you were very brave,” Discord said patronizingly, patting Spike on the head. “Your accomplishments were all very impressive…and will all be overshadowed and forgotten. Let’s see, Celestia, how many stained glass windows does Spike have?”
“Three,” Celestia said miserably. “Though since he’s sharing space with my sister and the Elements of Harmony in the one where Nightmare Rarity is vanquished, you could argue that it’s more like two.”
“That’s it?!” Spike asked incredulously. “What about my killing a King Timberwolf to save Applejack?!”
Discord snorted. “Oh, please, Spike, anyone can kill a King Timberwolf. They’re big pushovers, not even worth more than a brief mention in the newspaper, and certainly not a stained-glass window. And Twilight and the other girls have…how many windows now, Celestia?”
Celestia grimaced. “…Twenty-seven.”
“Twenty-seven?!” Spike asked in disbelief.
“There should be a twenty-eighth one finished by tomorrow for the not-so-little matter they handled last week…we’re thinking of making a new hall just to hold them all, and to make room for future ones…” Celestia said weakly.
“Yep, so despite saving an empire, defeating a giant monster without using your fire breath—seriously, did you forget you could do that? The stupid thing was made of wood--giant magical cockatrices, and freeing your possessed crush, you will no doubt be forgotten to all but the most dedicated history buffs, just like many other real-life historical figures, such as Sir Wendersnaven of Clydesdale!” Discord said, wrapping one arm around Spike’s shoulder and thrusting the other one outwards dramatically.
“Who?” Spike asked.
“Exactly,” Discord said smugly. “I bet now you know how Shining Armor feels, huh?”
“Shining Armor is Prince-Consort of the Crystal Empire, former Captain of the Guard, a Defender of the Realm, and-“ Celestia started indignantly.
“Not going to be remembered for anything other than being Princess Twilight Sparkle’s mortal older brother, a living shield generator who seems to have trouble doing even that right depending on the crisis, a giant bug-zapper for giant bugs, the guy who thought it would be a brilliant idea to throw his wife at an evil king, and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s sex toy,” Discord said dismissively. “Oh, and Chrysalis’s, too, for a little while. I wonder, does doing it with a shapeshifter disguised as your fiancé while being mind-controlled count as rape or not? You might want to look into that, Celestia, this sounds like a legal gray area to me.” Celestia facehooved. “Yeah, and the only reason he’s not insanely jealous of his sister or wife is because he’s too busy getting mind-blowing sex every night from that nymphomaniac niece of Celestia’s to even think about it. But he’s getting some, and you aren’t, so you don’t even have that going for you, Spike.”
“But…but…” Spike said feebly, feeling his world crumbling around him.
“Honestly, Spike, I can’t see why this is such a surprise to you!” Discord said. “I mean, you sleep in a basket at the foot of Twilight’s bed—well, you did until she started sharing her bed with her friends, anyway—do all her chores for no pay other than an allowance that you eat, a freaking owl can probably do your job better than you can—and cheaper, too!—“
“I’m…I’m not Twilight’s pet!” Spike stammered. “Or her servant!”
“…You turned into a dog when the two of you traveled to that other world, while she became a member of the dominant species,” Discord said flatly. “I think that rather neatly demonstrates the nature of your relationship, doesn’t it? Hmm, speaking of which, I wonder what I’d look like over there…or what my counterpart does for a living…probably something awesome, like the former principal or school superintended who got ousted by those upstarts Celestia or Luna. Or maybe a chemistry teacher, or an actor, or a male escort…”
“Discord, is there a reason you’re doing this?!” Celestia asked angrily, seeing that Spike was about to cry.
“Of course there is!” Discord said indignantly. He paused and thought for a moment. “No, no, wait…wait…yes…yes, there actually is a reason! Huh. I’m just as surprised as you are. Part of why I’m doing this is because I think it’s important that he understands the true purpose of his existence, so that he can free himself of all his delusions and false hopes and finally understand who he really is. My methods may be harsh, but they’re honest—well, when I feel like it, anyway--and what he needs to hear right now, not some well-meaning but ultimately ineffectual mollycoddling. After all, even Fluttershy would admit that sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, right? It will hurt, yes, but such soul-searching often does, and the sooner he comes to terms with his true destiny, the sooner he can accept it and move on. I mean, isn’t that what finding your Cutie Mark is all about?”
“Yes, but he’s not a pony and can’t get a Cutie Mark,” Celestia pointed out.
“Well, he could get a tattoo,” Discord said. “But you get my point.”
Celestia sighed. “I suppose so…and what’s the other reason you’re doing this?”
“Oh, for my own amusement, of course,” Discord said cheerfully. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a chance to give someone a lecture pointing out the uncomfortable truths about their lives. I’d probably be throwing popcorn at him now, but I get the feeling you would hit me very hard if I did that.”
“Yes,” Celestia growled. “I would.”
“Is…is this really it?” Spike whispered. “Is this all I am? All I can ever be?”
“Yep!” Discord said cheerfully. “But hey, look, there’s another footnote, and I think this one will cheer you up!”
A third and final line of text enlarged itself at the bottom of the page.
However, although the Queen of Magic’s loyal dragon attendant shall never be with the beautiful white-coated purple-maned unicorn with three diamonds for a cutie mark of his dreams, he shall find new love in a group of young fillies seeking their place in life, questing for their Cutie Marks like the Crusaders of old.
Spike stared at this new line blankly. “…I’m gonna find love with the Cutie Mark Crusaders?!”
“Isn’t that wonderful, Spike? That’s three ponies instead of one, four if that Babs kid gets in on the action, and maybe more if other Crusaders exist and decide to get involved! Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, don’t you?” Discord said with a nudge and a wink. “And plus, Sweetie Belle’s Rarity’s sister, so it’ll be the next best thing to having Rarity herself. Not to mention that she’ll probably grow up to be just as beautiful as her sister, if not more so, and she’s closer to your age level…I think…so it’d totally be less creepy for you to be crushing on her and building a stalker shrine full of her mane and horn and hoof clippings!”
“I-I don’t have one of those for Rarity!” Spike yelled loudly.
“Yes you do, Spike. Yes, you do,” Discord said solemnly. “And now you can make one for Sweetie Belle and/or her friends instead! Isn’t that great?”
Spike seriously considered this for a moment. What would dating the Cutie Mark Crusaders be like?
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DRAGON KISSERS, YAY!” Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Babs Seed cheered as they leaned in towards a bound and gagged Spike, puckering up their lips for a kiss.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Spike screamed in terror, running out of the room.
Discord blinked in surprise. “Huh. That’s weird; I thought he’d like having a harem of cute girls.”
Celestia sighed and rubbed her temples. “Discord, why did I release you again?”
Discord tapped his chin in thought. “You know,” he said after a moment. “I honestly have no idea.”
…
“That was a great session, girls,” a sweaty and very ruffled Princess Twilight Sparkle said as she opened the door to her suite, her deliriously happy friends stumbling behind her. “That should keep me satisfied for a few hours. Now, I can get some work…done…?”
She blinked, taking in the bizarre scene before her. One of her guards was writhing on the ground, foaming at the mouth while screaming, “THE SPIDERS! THE SPIDERS! THEY’RE ALL OVER ME!” and the other one was ramming his head repeatedly into a wall while his eyes rolled in his head even more than Derpy’s, mumbling nonsense words in long-dead languages that Pinkie Pie naturally could understand at once. There was a broken cart lying on shambles on the floor nearby, and several broken links of chain and scraps of paper—and things that looked like paper but weren’t, not even remotely--scattered all over the place. Screams and sounds not unlike pages of a book being flipped in rapid succession and thick covers slamming open and shut repeatedly could be heard from further down the hall, along with cries of, “Free! Free at last! Mwahahahahahaha!”
Twilight’s eye twitched as her friends peered over her still rather stiff wings in bewilderment. Taking a deep breath, she shouted at the top of her lungs in the Royal Canterlot Voice, “SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!”
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3068336 Yes?
3068337 I approve :D
3068348 Thanks.
Wow, that was really cruel to Spike. Still hilarious though.
3068631 Yeah, I know.
Okay, while yes you were cruel to spike, I found this hilarious to read. Definitely getting a fav and a thumbs up. I could just picture him running and screaming.
3068798 Poor, poor Spike.
3070466 Poor Spike.
Technically they are also foals since they don't have a cutie mark.
3071818 They're foals who are fillies.
This is quite the run-on sentence...I don't even know where to start.
Flaws aside, I was laughing pretty hard at Spike's conversation with the books...almost as hard as the Princess Crackle passage. The rest, though, was just downright unpleasant to read since it was pretty clear that Spike was going to get screwed over for a laugh. That's one of the few things that kills my good mood more effectively than that is seeing all six of his friends having sex without him. I do hope this is a subtle attempt on your part to deconstruct Spike's situation so other writers can build it back up in their own stories into something positive.
3072037 ...No, I just wanted to write a story I thought would be funny. Thanks for pointing out the mistake.
3072052 Meaningless Spike abuse isn't funny. It just made my day a little worse for a few minutes.
3072100 I'm sorry.
3072141 That's perfectly alright; you're only one of three people who provided Spike abuse this morning, so you only contributed to about 33% of my temporary lull...but yours was the strongest, so it's more like 55%. Either way, I'm already putting his disheartening story behind me and shall probably read some Max Brand and listen to a movie score later today.
Thing is, Spike doesn't have to be a major player in history to have a good, important life. He doesn't even need those self-absorbed immortals. Perhaps his destiny is to be the Equestrian equivalent of...
3072213 The strongest? Ouch.
Max Brand?
Kick-Ass, huh? Hmm.
Trolling by brutal honesty is the best kind
3072652 That it is.
Ouch...
Yeah, Spike deserves some more recognition. I also think him becoming a dog in EG was kind of a dick move on their part (though, the same could be said about the movie itself, amirite?). This was a very well written fic otherwise; I didn't notice any spelling/grammar mistakes (though i'm sick and REALLY can't think straight for the life of me), and you got the characters down pretty good (other than the harem thing). I'll be giving this a thumbs up.
And, a mustache for Spike because he deserves some love.
3072714 I liked the movie, but I did feel making Spike a dog was a dick move.
Yeah........Spike is pretty much screwed in you rendition of events, no?
3073630 Much like in canon.
I take it this in continuity with Who Wants to Live Forever?, then.
Poor Spike. The good news is that, going by how his earlier achievements are ignored by the prophecy, his life won't necessarily be one consisting only of menial drudgery, The bad news is that it won't matter...
Oh well. At least he gets his own harem to go along with Twilight's.
3074088 Yes, this is part of the same canon as Who Wants To Live Forever? Poor Spike. Nothing he does will matter. Oh well, at least he gets some cute fillies...who will try all sorts of stuff to get their Cutie Marks...
That poor bastard.
3074101
Well, presumably they'll have gotten their marks by the time they reach the age of consent...
3074124 Which begs the question...what will they do once they no longer have to crusade anymore?
3074135
You've already answered that question.
3074169 I have?
3074174
Well, not so much "what" as "who."
3074326 Heh.
Ouch, Spike!, ouch!
Hit the point of being extremely funny while really quite terribly dark for poor Spike at the same time...
(That's actually a very hard line to straddle - the ratio of Hary Potter fics that bash Ron and the ones that do so so outrageously they come right around from pathetic all the way to funny again is vanishingly small, for instance. So kudos for that...)
3074329 Poor Spike.
I find it awful how many people do stuff like that to poor Ron. I'm glad you don't feel like I did that to Spike.
The whole thing with the other dragon felt weird. It's like finding out you have a billion dollar inheritance, but then find out it was the other guy with the same name that gets it. Except he already had a better life than you, and didn't really need the inheritance at all.
I kind of understand why Celestia might not want Spike to know the prophecy, and why Discord does. He didn't hint at it, but what better way to induce chaos than to cause Spike to go on a rage against the heavens crusade, and finding a way to make his own destiny.
You also make it seem like everyone, including the main six, is like in Friendship is Witchcraft where it's Spike the doormat 24/7. Can't he just go to Twilight and speak his dilemma? If Celestia really cared she'd offer advice, or give Twilight the assignment as homework. Then you know it can't fail since she would reverse time itself just to succeed any parameters.
Overall I kinda liked it, but at the same time it felt incomplete. Sort of like the prelude to an epic quest spike would soon go on.
3076640 This story was intended to be a bit of a black comedy. I can see it's rather polarizing.
That or Discord was just being a dick. Something he's good at.
Spike's already a doormat, isn't he?
Twilight couldn't help because she was...occupied at the moment, and Celestia couldn't give any advice before Spike ran out of the room screaming.
This is not a prelude and there is no epic quest. The moral of this story is that not everyone has an awesome incredible destiny, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.
Hilarious story, but I HATE YOU SO MUCH for what you did to Spike.
Seriously, you made it so that all of the Mane 6 are in some awesome lesbian orgy, made him the butt of all jokes, and that you are basically saying he's an unimportant ant. And I don't see him with the CMC's either--especially with Sweetie Belle.
This is the kind of shit that allows stuff like Hitler to happen, in my opinion. I can see him tragically either killing himself or becoming the Fuhrer.
Of course, you've already said that you don't really give a fuck about him and said your piece in the Author notes, so I'm just going to take my butthurt elsewhere..
3079024 I like Spike just fine, actually. I just find it amusing to make him miserable. Is that so wrong?
3079211 It's only amusing if there's a payoff in his favor.
I disagree with the author. There is no such thing as destiny . Discord, as a Chaos God, should know it better than anyone.
Second. DanvilleBengal mentioned the Führer. Add Stalin, Mussonlini, Franco, Pinochet, Pol Pot, Mao, etc... and you can grasp the reason for what frustrated people, apparently insignificant in their humble origins, but with the right/wrong motivation, can grow From Zero to Nightmare.
And Spike is still a young dragon, with plenty of time to improve. Heck, he still could become the Lofwyr of Equestria (points if you get the reference).
3110841 But this is Equestria. Destiny EXISTS. They have Cutie Marks that show what ponies are fated to do, don't they?
If he tries to become evil he'll get curb-stomped.
Lofwyr?
3110991
-Even in Equestria, the existence of Chaos proves destiny isn´t settled in stone.
Cutie Marks are linked to talents more than destinies. Rarity´s talent is finding gems, but she is a seamstress rather than a miner or even a jeweller, so how to use the talent is up to the pony. And even Cutie Marks can be changed, as Applebloom´s cutie pox or the Elements themselves proved.
Plus, Spike is a dragon.
-Do villains get curb-stomped because Good must always triumph over Evil, or because the villain´s own incompetence?
-Shadowrun.
3111043 How so?
But doesn't the whole Sonic Rainboom event indicate that the girls were destined to find each other? Plus, prophecies DO exist.
So just because he's not a pony he has no destiny?
Because Good must triumph.
I don't know anything about Shadowrun.
or get a penis drawn on your face.
instant like
I am a huge Spike fan. I think he and Twilight's relationship is something special and stands out as the most interesting aspect of the show. I think that Spike is the most interesting character, and the one with the most dramatic potential.
And I lol'd so very, very hard at this. Great job.
3111043
See, Twilight (or Star Swirl) proved you wrong. What happened when the cutie marks got switched? Destiny tries (and fails) to adjust. Rarity can't get into her house. RD is almost eaten. Pinkie Pie hates life and has a new family. Fluttershy constantly feels like a failure and is still super shy, but without the comfort of animals. Applejack can't have a livelihood and as such would probably soon be homeless and starving. Cutie marks prove destiny, by showing how screwed up it is when your and another's destiny are mixed up.