November 11th
Dear Diary,
I don’t really know why, but Rarity has been acting rilly Really weird lately. It kinda started yesterday. Scootaloo Applebloom and Me were going to have a Cutiemark Crusader Slumber party at Rarity’s Bootigue boutieq- Boutiqeqe house and everything was going alright until that big bad lightningstorm rolled in. She helped me take them home in the storm, (Note to self: can a pony have a lightning rod as a Cutiemark? That might be cool.) then when we got backshe promised to play a boardgame and make hotcocoa for me.
I went upstairs and waited for her, but she was taking forever! I went to go check, and this is when she got weird. She was all pushy and mean to me and I don’t know why. She said she had a customer and didn’t want me to git in the way “disturb them”.
Whats kinda wierd is that Rarity never ever is alone with a guy when she is doing something for them. She usually has mom, or aunt Gemini, or somepony else in the shop with her.
I tried to wait for them to get done, but I went to bed. Too tired. And when I saw Rarity this morning, she was really weird. She was kind of stressed out and huggy and edgy and I don’t know. She just ran off to the library for some reason. Maybe I’ll ask her if theres anything wrong when she gets back.
I wounder if it has anything to do with her customer from last night?
XOXO
Sweetie Belle
3198572 good. I'm glad that purposefully making Sweetie Belle's spelling poor didn't scare everyone away.
Interesting little bit here.
Silver out!
3199246 meh, i made this for my self promo and wanted to use it for another chapter update. Read the chapter titled "Psycho", its loads better
3198821 I thought it was pretty cute.
3207084
Im reading your story, but im just busy right now.
3207084 I dont know why, but a ton of people ask me to read/ suggest i read books and i dont know why.
3198821
Poor spelling from a child is like technical language from an engineer. It adds a ton of character to the piece. With that said, this little scene springs to mind...
Still, this is great Sweetie Belle material. This entire story feels more like a "bucket of scraps" than a cohesive narrative, but once the reader puts everything together it's a pretty good read. I understand now what you meant by the story having "told what you wanted to tell". This is the draft sketch for the full tale that is yet to come about Supercomrade Corpse Maker saving Equestria. Or, to put it another way...
Geopolitcal Persuasion
through
Urban Violence.
Also, I wonder who this Auntie Gemini is?
3244022 obviously, I base things I wrote off of my knowlege,(I.E. The mare in "Psycho" walking alone at night without a care in the world because where she was from she was raised knowing that the streets were safe was based off a story I was told about a woman who visited Nazi Germany Pre Hitler and thought that thfre was someone stalking her, but when she ran home it turned out it was a patrol officer who wanted to keep an eye on her for saftey because "This is Nazi Germany, after all.") and, the only purpose of "Aunt Gemeni" was only to address the fact that Rarity usually has someone else in the shop with her so that she doesent get raped/ robbed, and Sweetie Belle can pick up that for one guy she is completely content with being alone with him.
Anyway, you are correct, without its added openings and endings, the story's only crucial chapters, its main body, are from Professional Courtesy to Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself.
Alright! After a horrible exams week, I finally made it to your story.
Not bad, this was interesting. I liked the story in general, it is good and there were very nice details.
I have to be honest though, there were parts that were too wordy for me, some of Rarity's musings for example, and the main part felt a bit incomplete in my opinion. Also, I didn't like the story's presentation, even though I understand what you tried to show with the pieces of the other "side" of story as "extras", I didn't like how those feel in relation too the main body (though I did like most of them as individual tales), the contrast was weird and made it all feel even more incomplete.
This was not precisely my cup of tea but I can figure out the story just fine, I like your characterizations, and there are worst "alicorn" OCs out there. Also, even though the story left me wanting more, I do understand why you stopped where you stopped actually. I do get this kind of scraps story, I'm not the kind of person that bugs on an author just because he didn't tell every single thing.
Definitely deserves a like.
3268596 okay, anything else, bro?
Btw, worse OCs, did you have a problem with them?
3271868 Well, maybe if you go full blown scraps story and put all the extra chapters in between the main story, it will still feel disjointed, but at the same time it would be more interesting and it would make more sense why it feels incomplete. And seriously dude, those chapters are good; you shouldn't tell readers they don't have to read them (except the violent one). Just an idea.
I meant that your main OC is not bad, specially compared with the majority of OCs here at Fimfiction. I didn't like him much, too serious, but I bet it was not meant to be a relate-able character, and it feels real, so good job. The rest of your OCs are ok, they do their job nicely.
3281484 well thanks. I wanted the story to end with Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself, but people say they want more, and the simple fact is that I am making a second part to it. I should include "part 1" in the title.
Other than that, the story really IS the pieces with Rarity. The other places are just different beginnings and endings that I tried to use because i had no good way to start or finish beside with rarity. For as much as I didn't want to tack on more stuff, I didn't want to waste the effort.
Other than that..... Ive had more people talking about the aunt of Rarity's that I vaguely mentioned than Mr. Peace.... So.... Yeah.
3321530
I've never heard the term "wingspan" used for humans. If you think a lot of readers would get it, then keep "literal" -- otherwise I'd just use "wingspan" without "literal" or "lateral."
3327402
If all they have are one-bit coins, that's true. And I guess there's as little canon evidence for multiple denominations as for checks. Though I think in our history multiple denominations preceded checks by quite a while, that wouldn't necessarily mean it would in a land of magical talking ponies.
I've no objection to a check, though, especially skillfully handled.
3327780 you know that feeling you get when you realize you're a fucking moron? That you even wrote that equestria has coins worth different denominations? I just figured out what that feels like.
3327787
LOL! Don't worry about it. We all derp from time to time, and God only knows I've stepped in my share of woops.
3328327 yes. But Rarity never allows her imagination to exaggerate.... Right?(case Nd point, bag scene) . And, as the author, He's talking more about the action of Rarity actively hiding her sister rather than the fact that she has a sister.
You posted a thread in OCs Unite requesting a review of your character. The thread has been deleted, so I am unsure as to whether or not you still desire the evaluation to be conducted. As I have read the fic in its entirety, it would be a bit of blue-ball to not see my task to completion. I will constrain my commentary to the OC and its characterization.:
Alrighty.
He's quiet. He's deliberately unassuming. He kills ponies. That pretty much sums it up. He lacks any quirk, character flaw, perceived turmoil, or past applied phlebotinum to render him in three dimensions. Essentially, this guy reads like wallpaper. The fact that he is a "winged unicorn" aside, I can get the role he is supposed to fulfill in the context of the narrative. Sadly, it's one that's been done to death. Buuuuut, 'flat' characters like this still have the potential to be immensely compelling.
A great example is Leon from The Professional. Killing machine, check. Walking trope, check. Still, by the end of the movie you really feel for the guy. There was an aspect of him, ever so subtly alluded, that let you connect.
It's very difficult to make an emotional investment in your character or the narrative surrounding him. There's no grasping point.
So, as a good "Mary Sue" test, ask yourself the following questions about any character. Can you:
-relate to them?
-feel for their position?
-learn something from the story (not the character) because they are included?
Do they serve a purpose other than just continually fishing for "wow" moments in every paragraph?
And finally, do the aspects assigned to the character contribute to this coherent picture?
What I'm getting at with the final question is: is it really necessary for him to be a "winged unicorn"? Or a... whatever the hell? Does that really add anything to the narrative? If it was a Chekov's Gun for some tragic backstory, then good, but it isn't.
Ultimate verdict: The primary OC reads like an OP "wowzers" engine, but the introduction of compelling and identifiable traits can still make him a character that readers can relate to, learn from, and enjoy.
3509323 first, 69 comments, woo hoo!
Next, thanks for taking the time to read it ( im glad someone in That group has some brainpower ) and all i wanted was some honesty.
Honestly, with this character, it would be a mistake to think one could relate to him, not in a sense that he's infallible, but because there is no possible way a normal person could be able to do so (if there ever was someone to relate to, its rarity.) i must say, i am getting at something along the line of a "broken toy" character here, but for each reason he lacks depth is because simply because he is not in the narrative in the story very much, a point i am to remedy in part 2 a little bit (trust me in saying that if any exposition was dropped about his past in this story, it would be a massive out of place infodump, because remember, he just wants his fucking suit.)
Other than that, i fear I may have been too clever (not in a arrogant way) in revealing subliminal hints about his methods with the epilogue parts. (In eacb of his missions, there is a reason for why he does everything, AKA, the disguise, purposefully piss off the captors, etc.)
Hopefully i can learn from this for the next part. Anyway, thanks for your time, i appreciate it.
3509428
A tip, from personal experience as an author:
That’s an admirable premise, but it’s just not readily apparent. It’s the same as writing protagonist characters with mental pathologies (psychosis, etc.). There will always be a plenum between the reader and character’s value sets. That’s part of the allure. However that very premise, played straight and predictable, is boring.
i.e.- Dexter from the eponymous Showtime series. If he was just an emotionless killer, no one would watch the show. It’s the sympathetic aspects that make him compelling.
Remember that the reader can’t see what you have in your head unless you show them.
Don’t let your characters go full psycho.
Well, unless they're a stock villain.
3511368 yeah, thanks. Ill keep that in mind. Like i said, for a full break down on bis madness, this story would be as bad as the original nding of the first version od the Beauty ans the Beast.
Anyway, a certain quote from Bloodmoney comes to mind:
"You can't kill me, 47. We're practically brothers."
"I'll do exactly what I'm paid to do."
I now have this in my favs. I shall give this a read and feed back when I can get the time. I like the premise of the story thus far.
Some very glaring spelling errors:
nessecary - necessary
chello - cello
expresso - espresso
3571680 it makes me wonder why ' word never picked them out.... Also, "expresso" proves the fact that I don't drink coffee. Lol.
Congratulations! This story has officially been deemed a Sapphire by The Gem Hunters