• Member Since 25th Mar, 2012
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Dancewithknives


"If I had asked people what they wanted, They would have said faster horses." -Henry Ford The easiest way to tell a man's character is how well he treats the people he doesen't have to.

Sequels1

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Source

Rarity Belle is a successful Businessmare In Ponyville. From wedding dresses to costumes, sundresses to business attire, she has made masterpieces for each and every one of her customers that fills them with awe and wonder at her talents while still maintaining affordable rates.

Rarity had serviced many customers in the past, but there is one in particular that is unlike any other...

Thanks to Diarch and Jeffcvt for looking at the first chapter.
Special Thanks to InsertAuthorHere and jmartkdr for Proofreading.
Edited by me.
Coverart: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Rarity-s-Boutique-306786835


Also, I will be posting the misc. Other openings and endings within the next few days. These sections are not "alternates" as in they are different canon or changing of events, but instead different places to start the story.

Keep your open for part 2!

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 112 )
Comment posted by Autism Man deleted Jul 31st, 2013
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Comment posted by Blagdaross deleted Jul 31st, 2013

2943077>>2795512>>2921323
thanks for all your help; deleting comments..

2969189

I mean the deletion of comments, not the story.

2969371 my prereaders and i. Nothing that concerns readers.

Hmm, well, I gave the first chapter a read, and I might continue on at a later time. Though, I figure I should probably mention a few things I noticed that could be fixed up.

Take a look at most of your dialogue sequences, and there's something wrong. Usually it's capitalization or punctuation.

When stressing words, you should use italics instead of capitalization. And you should spell out numbers when you use them, with some rare exceptions.

Also the title of this story it's supposed to be 'Professional Courtesy' is it not? (Unless I'm missing something and the story really has to do with curtseying)

I also feel there's a fair amount of superfluous information being tossed at us as readers, and I felt disengaged at multiple times, but it did pick my attention up at the end, which is why I'll probably read further chapters of the story.

Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle

2970384 okay, thanks. At least you're honest.


And thus I learned to never trust autocorrect, especially when hurrying to get to work.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

The Tailor and her Recurring Customer

Grammar score: 9/10

Pros: First up, and the best thing about this story, is the personality of Rarity. She's likeable and a bit complicated, and she steals the show. I especially liked her when she's investigating, whether she's looking through old newspapers or examining the contents of someone else's bag. She also has this kind of vulnerability where her sister is concerned. (The brief flashback where we learn that there was a possibility that Sweetie Belle could have died at birth was very well done.) Next, the interaction between the Rarity and Sweetie Belle feels very genuine. I would like to see the sisters have even more time "on screen" together. And finally, the slow buildup of the mystery surrounding Mr. Recurring Customer, is very well handled, and tends to make the reader want to keep going to find out who he is exactly.

Cons: The biggest con for me was really how jarring the shift in perspective was in that last chapter. While I understand the use of the swearing and just overall harsher, meaner tone, having it come so late in the story was a bit like walking down a flight of stairs and finding that last one to be twice as steep as the rest. It kind of slams into you. Other cons are minor: the mystery stallion can be a bit wooden (which probably comes from you not wanting to tip your hand and let on what's going on with the character), and Sweetie Belle kind of disappears for a few chapters (not that she needs to be in every chapter, but she's missed while she's gone).

Notes: I like the mystery of your story and I really like Rarity as a character here. You might consider ways to make the jump to the antagonist's chapter a bit less jarring (putting it at the beginning of the story would let the readers know what they're in for, but it would change the way they look at every chapter after, as well as Rarity's interaction with Recurring Customer, so I don't know if that is the best solution). Also, you might want to cut the two "bonus" chapters. I know it would suck to lose that much writing that you pour yourself into, but since you have tags on them telling the readers they aren't necessary, you might just cut them to streamline the whole story. (Would that be a problem in regards to Celestia? Does she show up again in the story at a later point, so that her chapter needs to be there?) Also, not having those chapters might make the story look a bit more accessible to readers.

It was interesting to read a different kind of story from you, after Celestia Kills Luna. I think this one has a lot of potential, and I'm interested to see where Rarity's character goes from here. To get specific on the issues you asked me to take a look at: Rarity and Sweetie Belle's characterizations are excellent; your OC is still a mystery to me at this point, and he can be rather stiff, but that scene where he nearly smiles at Rarity and her imagination/fear starts reading into it was very effective (there is definitely a personality bleeding through the mystery, though whether it's noble or sinister I can't tell); and I liked where Rarity left off (I didn't feel so much closure, as a sense that she was being proactive and things were about to get more interesting for her); the last chapter is of such a different tone than the rest of the story that it is a bit hard to place it, but it works as an action suspense chapter, eliciting some real hatred for the kidnappers/pirates (:pinkiesick:).

Enjoy your review! Hope it helps. And thank's again for reading and reviewing The Everfree Horror.:twilightsmile:

2978982


Ill respond more later, but since you did such a good job, heres the last chapter I made as of now.


Since any who have read the story want more closure, I'm going to make more.

Also, I was tempted to put the last chapters at the front, but the problem with that was that I wanted to post he fic with an E rating and I didn't want people to think it was a trollfic or that I had a bare understanding of the English language.

Also, reading the very first chapter after the last should make some more sense.
Oh, and you're right with the pirates, It was out of place, but nessecary. I didn't want to make weak Candy stealing bad guys

2978982
Alrighty, My full return, as promised.

I should rework those chapters, You are right, but at the time I posted it, I wanted the main body of Rarity and her customer as the focus. Like I said, those failed attempts should not be there, but I have ways to use them.

I'm glad you enjoyed rarity's character here. I don't want to sound like a hipster, but I often see her as just a bland applejack or Twilight clone in fiction. She often is used as a plot device to make some sort of design or something, but, to me, what makes a character is what they do that is NOT important to the story. I see Rarity that could be a person who has an active mind, Like Pinkie Pie, but instead of being randomly expelled, her energy is used to instead imagine how to help her customers. Of course, not all of her imagination is used efficiently, but sill, I think it is a key feature to her I wanted to highlight as much as her relationship to Sweetie Belle.

In short, If Rarity was walking down a street, she would see passerby and judge if the colors of the clothes they are wearing clash and how she could make them better without even thinking about it.

and on that note, the customer and his personality are challenge that I wished to try to redefine. I know what he really is, but for the sake of this, lets just say "Badass". The problem with what I feel about this type of "Badass" is that authors straight up go and tell you "Hey, look at this! this guy is cool and awesome and badass and scary and..." which really loses its creditability because we feel that its going to be a joke. I have a full story and such for this guy, but I feel it to be better to show him of by having a pony see him from the outside would be a great way to show him off. Now, Like you've seen from the last epilogue, he is an actor, his anonymity is his best weapon, so even if he core is bland and boring, it has such more impact to have him show off who he really is.

I agree with the jarring ending portions that could take a person by surprise, and I would like to apologize for it.

Thank you for your review, and because of your input (and others who wanted to contact me privately instead of posting a comment) I will continue this on. It has no definite ending, but it does have a resolution for those who want answers.

Thank you for the review.

After much stalling, my reading and reviewing will begin either today or tomorrow as I have PT and night-shift work.

Expect me. :pinkiehappy:

Silver out!

“you will!”

Capitalize the Y and add a question mark to the end and that fixes this little mistake.

Other than that, this first chapter looks really good. The grammar was decent, the detail was adequate, and plot reveal was pretty well done. I feel foreshadowing with the news report.

Congratulations! This chapter has passed inspection! Moving onto the next one! :twilightsmile:

Silver out!

Creepy! But another good chapter! A nice, clean execution here!

This chapter passes! :pinkiehappy:

Silver out!

“How much Longer, Rarity! I’ve been waiting forever!”

Lowercase 'longer'.

“Sweetie Belle!” she shushed , “Please, be quiet We have a…”

Make sure to get that first comma after 'shushed' without the space, and lowercase that 'we'.

“Y-You can’t My customer is using it!”

Lowercase 'my'.

Just a couple of basic grammar mistakes here, nothing to lose sleep over. The writing is very solid and in depth. You've done a very good job thus far. Hopefully you can keep that up! This chapter has passed inspection. :twilightsmile:

Silver out!

I've caught a few more mistakes in this chapter. They seem to be a little redundant so it should be a quick fix. Everything is fine except for your capitalization. You tend to capitalize words that don't need it in the middle of a sentence and other times, you'll neglect to capitalize words at the beginning of a dialogue part. You'll done this several times, so I thought that I would just bring it to your attention. Don't worry, this is just a small trivial slip that can be easily fixed.

Other than that, there really is nothing wrong with this story. It's written well and a little mysterious, which is always good. I think that he's an assassin! :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

This chapter has passed!

Silver out!

Few minor grammar things but on the whole, this chapter passes. I wonder what this stallion's deal is?

Silver out!

Another great chapter! Pass.

Silver out!

The end was a bit trippy. Hisssss. Pass! The grammar seems to get better as I go, that's a good sign.

Silver out!

Another great chapter. So...the truth comes out...Rarity better watch herself if she digs...'too deep'.

Pass!

Silver out!

Very well done. I like the whole crime ring feel that this is turning into.

Pass!

Silver out!

I get it. Maybe he's an agent, not a crime lord. Hmm...I don't know, it could still go either way.

Pass!

Silver out!

2970384 ever get around to finish it?

3131449 last chapter is up, bro.

OK, that was a winner. Nice twist, good character building, and your usual vivid writing. Sorry it took so long to read it.

This is worth a fav and further reading in my spare time. Very good!:twilightsmile:

3198572 good. I'm glad that purposefully making Sweetie Belle's spelling poor didn't scare everyone away.

Interesting little bit here.

Silver out!

3199246 meh, i made this for my self promo and wanted to use it for another chapter update. Read the chapter titled "Psycho", its loads better

3198821 I thought it was pretty cute. :twilightsmile:

Ah, now this is a first chapter! Do you read any of Matthew Reilly's novels by any chance? :pinkiesmile:

The hot-chocolate making was very well described. Details like that add a lot to the story, and give the reader a visual image of what is going on in the room. The final one-liner is well delivered, and the build up is very well done. You might not want to mention "Omnishield", though. Dropping a brand name like that is a little distracting, simply saying a rain jacket would keep the focus on the character instead of his clothes. Rarity is very well written, and her interactions with Sweetie Belle are canon-faithful. I don't think that Rarity's last name is Belle, though! She's addressed as "Miss Rarity" in the show. :unsuresweetie:

What holds this chapter back are odd grammar and formatting ticks, along with a few misspelled words. The concept is well anchored within the MLP universe, from a torrential storm caused by disorganized pegasi to Sapphire Shores. :raritywink:

However, why does Rarity plan to give Sweetie Belle expresso? Has she lost her mind? She does remember this happening, right?

None of the CMC need additional stimulants, Dances. Quit pushing your vile candy, candyman! :rainbowlaugh:

3207084

Im reading your story, but im just busy right now.

3207084 I dont know why, but a ton of people ask me to read/ suggest i read books and i dont know why.

Ouch. I feel for Rarity here! A signature is part of every great work of art, having your name ripped off of something you've made is a horrible thing to hear about, let alone see. It is the honor of an artist to be known for her skill. :raritydespair: It helps that you write her extremely well, she is elegant and intelligent.

To sell value

To breathe prestige

To satisfy her customers

To be recommendable by friends

To be dependable for those who came in need

And to make those who wore her products be talked about in green-eyed and awe-filled whispers.

(Aside from a lack of periods, that is magnificent!:raritywink:)

Of course he's doing it for her protection, so the Ruinous Powers don't try and kill her if he leaves his topcoat behind. Still, so far this guy isn't endearing himself to me.

1. Lack of emotional investment in character, combined with lack of personality.
2. Threatens to go upstairs and hack Sweetie Belle to bits. :unsuresweetie:
3. Doesn't wait till he's outside to rip the tags off his suit. :raritycry:
4. Oh, you know. :twilightsheepish::rainbowwild:

Still, we got some movement out of him, that's a good start!

This was a great chapter, we really see how much Rarity cares for her little sister. I'm surprised that she didn't curl up next to the filly out of a desire to keep her safe! You do a great job of showing her dramatic side here, and now we know that she's been filling her head with all kinds of terrible possibilities from spy movies and novels. Doesn't she know the truth never gets put in print? :twilightsmile:

And we get to see some action out of Mister Corpse! He's a mean motor-scooter and a bad go-getter all right, as a matter of fact he... he... threatens a kind shopkeeper who just waved a nine-hundred bit tab. But it was totally justified, she didn't tell him her younger sibling was upstairs. So, he's gotta remind her who holds the whip, by making a vague insinuation that her little sister might be anything less than perfectly safe in his company. Yeah. There's a Hero of Equestria all right. :ajbemused: He doesn't care that Rarity's a valuable member of the Elements of Harmony, he's a loose cannon who plays by his own rules! Heck, maybe he's actually the drug dealer, wouldn't that be a plot twist! :pinkiegasp: Either way, he's out of the shop now. Let's see how he ruins this suit!

"Miss Rarity," he began in that cold, flat voice that sent chills down her spine. "I need a new suit."

The mare blinked hard. It was a frosty winter day, and he had just taken off a heavy coat. Flecks of white powder fell to the floor, but they did not melt like snow. Although every instinct told her to stay back, she stepped closer to the stallion. White splotches had been ground into his ensemble, as though he had been rolling about on a floor covered with flour. He was covered in cuts, but none seemed too deep, just the light scratches one might get from jumping through a window. Although he still maintained that stiff pose she had come to expect, though the designer would never say that she had gotten used to it, she could tell that is body was near the point of exhaustion. It was the stains that forced the question from her.

"I..." she raised a shaking hoof. "Is that dried-"

"I need a new suit." He repeated, while pulling that innocent bag she knew to be full of blades from one of the pockets she had stitched.

Of course we all know that he is just really enthusiastic about baking. Bon Bon has nothing on this guy, he carries his own cutlery everywhere. He's totally Princess Celestia's personal muffin-maker. :trollestia: The reason he's so cold and stiff is because he knows that Rarity wouldn't be able to keep it to herself, and he'd never be rid of Pinkie Pie challenging him to baking contests. :pinkiehappy:

Nice job describing the crazy schoolyard colt too, that image really sticks in my head. I wonder, Dancewithknives, were you ever that schoolboy who would eat the worms to frighten others? :rainbowwild:

3198821

Poor spelling from a child is like technical language from an engineer. It adds a ton of character to the piece. With that said, this little scene springs to mind...

Still, this is great Sweetie Belle material. This entire story feels more like a "bucket of scraps" than a cohesive narrative, but once the reader puts everything together it's a pretty good read. I understand now what you meant by the story having "told what you wanted to tell". This is the draft sketch for the full tale that is yet to come about Supercomrade Corpse Maker saving Equestria. Or, to put it another way...

Geopolitcal Persuasion
through
Urban Violence.

Also, I wonder who this Auntie Gemini is? :duck:

3244022 obviously, I base things I wrote off of my knowlege,(I.E. The mare in "Psycho" walking alone at night without a care in the world because where she was from she was raised knowing that the streets were safe was based off a story I was told about a woman who visited Nazi Germany Pre Hitler and thought that thfre was someone stalking her, but when she ran home it turned out it was a patrol officer who wanted to keep an eye on her for saftey because "This is Nazi Germany, after all.") and, the only purpose of "Aunt Gemeni" was only to address the fact that Rarity usually has someone else in the shop with her so that she doesent get raped/ robbed, and Sweetie Belle can pick up that for one guy she is completely content with being alone with him.

Anyway, you are correct, without its added openings and endings, the story's only crucial chapters, its main body, are from Professional Courtesy to Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself.

Alright! After a horrible exams week, I finally made it to your story. :yay:

Not bad, this was interesting. I liked the story in general, it is good and there were very nice details.

I have to be honest though, there were parts that were too wordy for me, some of Rarity's musings for example, and the main part felt a bit incomplete in my opinion. Also, I didn't like the story's presentation, even though I understand what you tried to show with the pieces of the other "side" of story as "extras", I didn't like how those feel in relation too the main body (though I did like most of them as individual tales), the contrast was weird and made it all feel even more incomplete.

This was not precisely my cup of tea but I can figure out the story just fine, I like your characterizations, and there are worst "alicorn" OCs out there. Also, even though the story left me wanting more, I do understand why you stopped where you stopped actually. I do get this kind of scraps story, I'm not the kind of person that bugs on an author just because he didn't tell every single thing.

Definitely deserves a like. :twilightsmile:

3268596 okay, anything else, bro?

Btw, worse OCs, did you have a problem with them?

3271868 Well, maybe if you go full blown scraps story and put all the extra chapters in between the main story, it will still feel disjointed, but at the same time it would be more interesting and it would make more sense why it feels incomplete. And seriously dude, those chapters are good; you shouldn't tell readers they don't have to read them (except the violent one). Just an idea.

I meant that your main OC is not bad, specially compared with the majority of OCs here at Fimfiction. I didn't like him much, too serious, but I bet it was not meant to be a relate-able character, and it feels real, so good job. The rest of your OCs are ok, they do their job nicely.

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