Summary: The Mane 6 get involved in a fight with an undefined villain with unclear motives in order to defend the Tree of Harmony.

Overview: While it is a short and deeply flawed action piece, All Against One actually does represent an upward trajectory for the author’s skill at writing.

First Impressions: This story’s pretty short, so this might be a fairly quick review.  But I think the author deserves a really deep dive into what worked in the story, and ultimately what fell short.

We begin in medias res, with an antagonist ‘Sid’ in the act of doing something to the Tree of Harmony.  The story is unclear what that something is.  The story is unclear as to why Sid is attacking the Tree, and the story is ultimately unclear who Sid is at all.  The only thing the story tries to be clear on is that Sid and the Mane 6 are ‘frenemies’, though no evidence is shown to suggest that this might be the case.

The action is passable but not terribly interesting; with the lack of set-up, it’s difficult to understand the stakes of the fight and therefore become invested in the character’s struggles.  Indeed, many characters are barely there; we are told the Mane 6 are all present, but many of them barely have an impact on the fight itself.

Sid employs several mechanical weapons that feel out of place in Equestria, such as a sci-fi mecha.  While that’s not necessarily a sin, without the foundation of who Sid is and why he has these weapons it’s jarring and out of place.  I realize the story is tagged as AU, but no effort has gone into worldbuilding to explain any of these differences.

It’s not the only thing that’s jarring.  Sid refers to the Mane 6 as the Mane 6, a meta reference that I found problematic.  There were also a few moments of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, passive voice, and other structural issues that took me out of the narrative.

The climax is barely a struggle.  There is some mild tension when several unicorns have to hold up the mecha to give Fluttershy time to evacuate some animals, but ultimately there doesn’t seem to be any real risk of failure, and no real stakes or tension.  The heroes are destined to win, and the trial is barely an inconvenience for Twilight and her friends.

Ratings by Category

Characters: So we have Sid, and we have the Mane 6 plus Starlight.

Let’s start with Sid.  I have no idea who he is, what his goals and motivation are.  I am told he’s a ‘frenemy’ with the Mane 6, but I’m not told how or why or when this happened.  I have no framework to even begin to relate to him.  There’s just not enough information.

Then we have the gallery.  The characterization of the Mane 6 is, ultimately, flat for those that actually participate.  The conflict lacks stakes, so the heroes are never challenged.  On top of that, some of the characters only show up for a single piece of action or solitary line.  For those with a more substantial role, the characterization is limited to non-existent.  Nothing is learned, nobody grows, nobody changes or is challenged.

Setting: The setting is never described.  We never get a sense of the area this fight is taking place in, besides that it’s near the Tree of Harmony.  This makes it difficult to become immersed in the narrative.

Dialogue: The dialogue is either dry and technical, or so overblown that it lacks all subtlety.  Consider these examples:

“Now, Mane Six… and friends! Tremble before me as I finally defeat—!”

“Behold! My latest, biggest invention yet: The ‘Me’ Contraption!”

Both of these lines come from the villain, and they sound like they’re coming from a bad cartoon villain.  However, lacking any significant character building or context, Sid lacks the charm of other cheesy villains that use their overblown melodrama to great comedic effect.  We have nothing to relate to, so the melodrama just isn’t funny.

The Mane 6’s lines are often just uninteresting and technical, stating dry facts with no more purpose than to move the plot on to the next point.

Plot Structure: I do enjoy a good in medias res.  Starting right in the middle of the action is good for pacing.

However, it also needs to be followed up with some sort of mechanism to fill the reader in on the beginnings of the story.  In this case, that would mean filling us in on who Sid is and what his motives and plans are.  Doing so would actually give the fight some stakes, something that is noticeably lacking.

The lack of stakes also makes the climax fall limp.  We don’t know what Twilight and her friends stand to lose because we don’t know what Sid’s after.  His loss comes with no real significant effort on Twilight’s part, so there’s no real tension.

Grammar: There are few real grammar errors.  However, there are a couple of technical errors and awkward phrasings that bear mentioning.

Luckily, the yellow-coated pegasus opened her eyes to see Twilight, Starlight, and Rarity all straining to levitate the torso.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.  A good write-up on the subject can be found in this writing guide.

Just then, a clunking sound hit Sid’s ears.

Coming in like a missile was Twilight, who flew at the top of the mech with a serious glare.

But soon, his monologue was interrupted when another magic blast hit his cockpit.

These are all examples of passive voice.  There were more. 

Verdict: Needs Substantive Work

Final Thoughts/Feedback:

It is impossible to consider this story without considering the context of the author’s efforts.  It’s obvious to me that the author is deeply passionate about writing; nearly every week there is a new thread in some forum or another asking about different aspects of the craft.  As I have participated in some of these discussions, read many of the others, and also read some of the author's earlier work, it is also obvious to me that the author is improving.  All Against One is an improvement on some of the author’s earlier work, despite the long path still left to travel.

While I cannot recommend this story given the quality, I can still recognize the difficulty the author has struggled with in trying to get to this point.

Heroic, I invite you to reach out and ask questions.  I can see that you care about learning how to write.  I can also tell you are passionate about your stories and your characters.  Writing stories like this one, even ones that fall short, is one of the most important things you can do to learn.  We can’t succeed without risking failure, and we can’t grow unless we learn from our mistakes.

<For Archive Purposes: N>

7538273
Well, can you teach him how to write a plot because all of his story is weak at the plot and character though .

P/S: nice review anyway.

7538273
Thanks for the review. It was great.

As for my questions, how do I give the audience information on Sid and his motives and plans without it being an info-dump?

Also, how do I improve on the character and world-building aspects of the story?

How do I make the dialogue less dry?

How do I make the comedic-writing better?

And what do you think of Sid's punishment?

Sorry. I just really want to know.

7538285

As for my questions, how do I give the audience information on Sid and his motives and plans without it being an info-dump?

Also, how do I improve on the character and world-building aspects of the story?

How do I make the dialogue less dry?

How do I make the comedic-writing better?

The answer to every one of these questions is that you think about what other people are going to take from what you've written and whether or not that's what you wanted them to get from it.

7538285
No need to apologize! I'm happy to answer, though you may not like what I have to say.

As for my questions, how do I give the audience information on Sid and his motives and plans without it being an info-dump?

I think the story suffers from it's shortness. There is only so much you can do in 1k words, after all. You're going to need to find a way to organically add detail.

As for how, there's several methods. You can work it in as dialogue, though you'd need to be careful to make sure it doesn't become ham-fisted and clumsy. Hint at a larger history between Twilight and Sid without being explicit; perhaps you could have Twilight mention previous fights or conversations.

My recommendation is this; find media (TV shows, stories, books, movies) that do 'in medias res' well. Watch/read them. Ask yourself how these pieces of media manage character building without info dumps, and then repeat/borrow those techniques. Off the top of my head, some amazing examples I can think of are Saving Private Ryan, Star Wars Episode 4, and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Also, how do I improve on the character and world-building aspects of the story?

My answer to this is going to be really similar to the last one. Worldbuilding details could be worked in the same way you'd work in more background information about Sid. Again, find media that did it well and carefully ask yourself how they did it, then copy those techniques. The movies I mentioned above are good sources for this, as well.

How do I make the dialogue less dry?

Right now, your dialogue from Twilight and the others honestly feels like they're just announcing what's happening. Remember, dialogue is characters talking out loud. When we humans talk out loud, we rarely go about simply announcing facts.

I assume, in your daily life, you speak to other humans. Most people who speak to other humans have a sense of what is awkward and dry in a conversation. When you're writing, speak your dialogue out loud. If it sounds dry and awkward, it probably is.

If you're not confident in your own sense of what's awkward, find another person and read the lines out loud to them. A second opinion always helps.

How do I make the comedic-writing better?

This one's tougher, and delves into the theory of comedy itself. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you here; comedy isn't my strong suit. But once again, I'm going to give you a hopefully now familiar recommendation. If you want to be better at comedy, consume more comedy media. Read and watch comedy. Read constantly.

And what do you think of Sid's punishment?

Sure, it's a little cliched, but I think it has the potential to be a strong point of the story. If you were to ever go revise things to give Sid more depth, his punishment would have more significance. If I don't care about Sid, I can't care about his punishment.

Anyways, I hope that's helpful.

Look. I know you ask lots of questions, and that's great! I see them all the time! But I think it will be more helpful for you in the long run if you learn how to consume media as a writer. What do I mean by that?

Whenever you have a question, I think the most helpful thing for you would be to find a piece of media, (anything, though stories and books are the best for this) that does correctly whatever thing you're tying to accomplish. Then, when you read it, constantly ask yourself questions about how the authors did what you're trying to do. I know it's going to be hard, but honestly? You've shown a ton of dedication and passion for writing, even though you struggle. I think it's something you could do, and I think it's something that could be a great benefit to you.