EUnexpected Pairings

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

Queen Chrysalis is spotted near Twilight Sparkle's castle. Twilight may be surprised why.

• Twilight
• Chrysalis
• Starlight Glimmer

ThePinkedWonder · 2.9k words  ·  147  19 · 3.1k views

Summary

Unexpected Pairings is a crackfic by ThePinkedWonder. It tells the story of how Twilight learns about the secret dance-friendship between Starlight Glimmer and her supposed arch nemesis Queen Chrysalis.

It opens with Twilight having heard about a rumour that Chrysalis was spotted next to her castle. She rushes there like a madmare, because Starlight lives there, and those two has a long-standing animosity.

But what she finds there, she couldn’t have seen not even her worst nightmares.

And from this point onwards it would be crossing into spoiler territory, and while admittedly crackfics aren’t known for their story, it still might spoil a few jokes for the readers.

So, onto the grades.

Characters and Worldbuilding:

Ordinarily both of these categories would deserve their own section, but in a crackfic the expectation toward both of them is rather similar, so it’s worthwhile to discuss them together.

Crackfic’s by definition are a collection of random ideas presented in humorous and light-hearted way. They often disregard established rules of the world in which they’re set, and don’t attempt to establish even internal consistency. Therefore, it would be unfair to compare the fic’s iteration of Twilight, Starlight, or any other character with what we know from the show, because all of those have been deliberately distorted for humorous shock value.

Therefore, the only metric that’s applicable at them is the amount of enjoyment the reader gets from them. In my opinion both the characters, and the world building elements are rather unimpressive in that regard. The dialogues are neither snappy, nor humorous, while the new facts we learn about the world are undeniably unexpected, they are not enough to generate the appropriate amount of levity. I have an idea how to improve on this, which I’ll explain later in the meanwhile: 3/10

Ideas/creativity:

While on the surface there are plenty of new things in this fic, they all feel meaningless. For example, one of the chief surprises of the fic, is the carbon copy of the original conflict. Which could be funny, if the setup would be for example some sort of literally criticism, where the author would be parodying the self-repeating nature of something, but that’s unlikely in this case.

And while the characters and the world in cracfic can be sacrificed on the altar of comedy, the creative ideas should serve a purpose, because they are the ones that provide the humour. I think this fic would have greatly benefitted from if the writer thought twice which ideas they wanted to use, and which ideas they didn’t. Seemingly, however they didn’t. 4/10

Language:

Usually as an ESL speaker I’m fairly apprehensive about making judgments on the language use of others, and normally I’d be more interested in the overall structure and/or the moral of the story. However, at this point it’s abundantly clear that those are beside the point in a crackfic. Now language however is important. A story like this, lives and dies on comedic timing.

This one mostly dies.

It’s simply riddled with of overdrawn sentences like the one below:

Princess Twilight Sparkle, a lavender alicorn, found herself zipping through the air toward her home, the Castle of Friendship. Twilight's violet eyes were already eyeing her glistening crystal tree-castle, which grew bigger and bigger as she approached it.

Okay let’s count useless information.

1. We know Twilight is a princess
2. We know she is a lavender alicorn,
3. We know that the castle of friendship is her home
4. We know that any sentient being would look at the thing they are flying towards
5. We know that the castle of friendship is a glistening crystal tree-castle
6. We know things appear bigger the closer you’re to it.

That’s six useless info in two sentences, which is more than plenty.

In the tight structures a pure, non-stop comedy requires that’s unacceptable. A big part of crackfics, is a sort of sensory overload. It’s imperative to use quick sentences, that have just enough connection to one another so the reader can keep up, but enough inherent dissonance so that the tension can be fostered and grown, so that it can be eventually discharged at the end of the punchline.

This story doesn’t have this tension-increase-release cycle, which is one of the basic concepts of any comedy ever, and as such a good indicator if a story is funny. It’s a bit like cooking a healthy meal without a source of protein. Maybe it’s possible, in certain situations, but the lack of protein is a good indicator that someone is on the wrong path. Besides that, even other kind of jokes are almost always hindered by unnecessary info, by either breaking the pace, or the tension.

I think what the writer’s aim was to inundate the reader with just the most random things he could think of, in hope that it will be funny. However, a constant barrage of random stuff is oxymoronically boring. It’s like Dr Eggman said in the new sonic movie.

I was not expecting that, but I was expecting not to expect something so it doesn't count.

Comedy is not random. It’s controlled chaos. One must always establish a clear line of thought with which they are constantly leading on their readers. So, they can just slam a pie into their faces when they are truly unprepared for it.

In conclusion the use of language was really subpar. It had no form, and the writer had no idea what they wanted. They admitted that much so I guess it’s a solid 2/10 because I don’t think I remember spotting and spelling mistakes. (But then again, I’m really bad at orthography.)

Conclusion:

Unexpected Pairings, in my reading, is ultimately a fic about not giving a hoot. From the character’s attitude, the narrator’s constant and fairly annoying interjections, to the complete randomness with which one event follows another, everything just says you should let go of your brain and enjoy the ride.

It’s rare how the structure of the fic mirrors the moral of the story with such painstaking precision, or because we are talking about the notion of “not giving a hoot” the lack thereof.

This begs the question, the only question I think that matters in a fic like this, whether this story was funny. And the answer for that is a hard no for me. Like, not even a little funny. I think I have clear enough reasons why I think that, so normally I would just slam this whole thing to the ground with a remorseless 3/10, but I’m hesitant to do that.

Because humour is subjective. A lot more than any other genre. And most of the readers seem to love it. And comedy is just about the only genre I would take that into consideration because it’s such a numbers game. If someone tells a joke to many people and most of them laugh it was a good joke even if I didn’t. Thus, I unofficially award it a rating 116/15 (The likes/dislikes ratio of the fic at the time of writing this.)

7253067

I see.

I'll start off my saying that I really did know what I wanted to do: the idea for the story popped in my head, and I went with it and turned it up to eleven. I found that the comedy stories I've written tend to do better when I use that approach than when I more carefully plan what to do. I stopped trying to figure out how that's possible

1:We know Twilight is a princess
2. We know she is a lavender alicorn,
3. We know that the castle of friendship is her home
4. We know that any sentient being would look at the thing they are flying towards
5. We know that the castle of friendship is a glistening crystal tree-castle
6. We know things appear bigger the closer you’re to it.

I'll admit that all that was here to either to try to show the scene (which I still haven't fully gotten down) or based off advice I always hear about starting off stories, even comedies, so that's why some of that was there. I sometimes wonder about cutting some things such as how Twilight or her castle looks (I personally wouldn't need it) but writing advice I've heard a lot and see in other stories made me think twice about it.

It’s imperative to use quick sentences, that have just enough connection to one another so the reader can keep up, but enough inherent dissonance so that the tension can be fostered and grown, so that it can be eventually discharged at the end of the punchline.

May I ask an example of what you mean? I'll be honest: without an example, I wouldn't know how to use that tip correctly, if I didn't already. Or, maybe I just didn't do it in this story, but did in some of my past ones.

That said, I am always looking to see what works and what doesn't in my stories, so this review gave me some insight on what did/didn't and what to think about changing or just stop doing, so thanks!

7253067

Something I just thought about.

1:We know Twilight is a princess

In the part of the story you had pointed out had useless information, I didn't really go the extra mile to highlight that Twilight's a princess. All I did was use her full name, Princess Twilight Sparkle. and said where she was going. What was wrong with that?

EDIT:

In conclusion the use of language was really subpar. It had no form, and the writer had no idea what they wanted. They admitted that much so I guess it’s a solid 2/10 because I don’t think I remember spotting and spelling mistakes. (But then again, I’m really bad at orthography.)

I didn't say or admit that. The bit I said in the author's note and in some of my comments was about how I knew this was a wacky, zany, over-the-top story and was possibly my most random story yet. It wasn't anything about me just not knowing what to do.

I truly have had stories like that. However, they were never finished because I couldn't figure out what to do, so I ended up scratching the stories.

I'll admit that all that was here to either to try to show the scene.

Generally you only want to show something in any scene that you later plan to use for something. This principle is known as Chekhov's gun
I think the best I've ever established the setting was in a story I've since unpublished so you won't see it here.

“Mrs. Skies-Dash? Ten minutes remain.”

A dark blue stallion, wearing the ever so familiar shell jacket of the race officials, opened the door and peeked into her locker room.

Let's count informations and I'll tell what I was planning to do with them:

1. Mrs. -> A female who is married. Which is gonna be important because the husband gonna later come in to talk with Rainbow. (that's gonna be the entire first chapter in fact)
2. Dash -> It's Rainbow, she is one of the mane six, so she is probably gonna be the main protagonist. Since she is married it's set in the future.
3. Skies -> Skies is the most popular "first name" Soarin so he's probably the Husband.
4. Ten minutes remain. -> Something is coming, and coming pretty soon. Using this as a first sentence signals it's something final. It's actually a race, the last race of Rainbow's career, and the event that this whole fic is about.
5. A dark blue stallion, -> This is where I messed up, because the colour of the guy has nothing to do with the story. I guess it made sure it's not Soarin, but he wouldn't have celled Rainbow Mrs. Skies-Dash. But as a general rule of thumb anything I do, is not perfect.
6. wearing the ever so familiar shell jacket of the race officials. -> So now we know it's a race official, which confirms that what's coming is a race. The fact that I establish that Rainbow saw this jacket so many times means this story is set well into the future. Something I will elaborate on in the next sentence. Though I haven't copy that here, so you gonna have to take my word for it.
7. opened the door-> The fact Rainbow is behind a closed door signals a feeling of isolation. Obviously, it's not apparent yet that she is in there alone. but there is definitely something separating her from the outside world. (or inside world we don't know which side of the door Rainbow is on) That isolation will be a crucial theme of the story.
8. peeked into -> Whoever is on the other side of the door has a certain sense of anxiety about opening that door. This sets up the next paragraph where it turns out that this race official is not only really young (which is only revealed in the next sentence) but quite starstruck too.
9. her -> Finally it's confirmed that wherever Rainbow is, it's her place, meaning there are no one else there but her.
10. locker room -> And the final stroke of initial setting. It's a locker room, which confirms the race theory, and sets the stage for like 3 out of the five chapters.

So in two sentences I set up the place, the tone, the event, the main character, the next sentence, the next paragraph, and the entire chapter. Also race officials and time limits is a theme of chapter two so I even alluded to that one, if barely. And If I really want to go very far, later it's revealed that the whole first chapter is deliberately set up by someone in such a way that it causes chapter 2, and chapter 2 allows chapter 4 to happen. And it's all tied to that one 10 minute timer.

May I ask an example of what you mean?

I actually provided an example for the original version of my review, but boss man said I have to rewrite that, so it got cut. I could show you that but that comes with the huge caveat of sending my whole original review to you (in dm). And the problem with that is that it's really hurtful. That's why I was forced to rewrite the whole thing.

Another thing I could do what I have somewhat okay example from the Hitckhikers guide to the galaxy, but that one is a rather slow paced book so I could only show off the tension building and not the conciseness.
Choose wisely.

In the part of the story you had pointed out had useless information, I didn't really go the extra mile to highlight that Twilight's a princess. All I did was use her full name, Princess Twilight Sparkle. and said where she was going. What was wrong with that?

Well the Princess part is probably the least problematic out of the six, but I still don't see any point to it. If it was used by a character, especially an underling like royal guard, then yes it would have been reasonable to use the title as well, but as the narrator not so much. I haven't read GRR Martin's Song of Ice and Fire books, but I'd venture to guess he doesn't use the term Queen Daenerys to describe Daenerys in the narration. It's just pointless, everyone already knows she's a Queen. In fact I'd argue it would be worthwhile to consider dropping the "Sparkle" part too. It's more personal that way.

I never said or admitted that. The bit I said in the author's note and in some of my comments was about how I knew this was a wacky, zany, over-the-top story and was possibly my most random story yet. It wasn't anything about me just not knowing what to do.

Are you arguing that I should have given you an even lower score? Because admitting your mistakes while doesn't undo them, it does make the less egregious, which counts for something at the lower and of the scale. So it's a kinda weird request but I do admire a man with principles, so if that's what you want I can do it. So yes I did wrongly accuse you for admitting your mistake, and I'm sorry for that, but if I didn't you would have scored even lower. (In reality it probably wouldn't have caused that much difference to make me change the score. Not all 2/10s are created equal.)

7253845

Generally you only want to show something in any scene that you later plan to use for something. This principle is known as Chekhov's gun
I think the best I've ever established the setting was in a story I've since unpublished so you won't see it here.

I am famliar with chekhov's gun and know that giving too much information on what the scene looks isn't good, and it's often best to give just enough info to let the reader be able to picture the scene.

Also,

A dark blue stallion, -> This is where I messed up, because the colour of the guy has nothing to do with the story. I guess it made sure it's not Soarin, but he wouldn't have celled Rainbow Mrs. Skies-Dash. But as a general rule of thumb anything I do, is not perfect.

One of the things I heard is a good idea and even in the writer's guide of the site is to give descriptions like that when introducing a character, and it's really only a problem if it's said too often (LUS).

In fact, a lot of what you said gives against several of the tips I've heard even from experienced writers and seen in stories on the site, making it even tougher to decide what and how to try to change and what not to. I want to improve my stories for sure, but I also don't want to adjust the styles I use to a rather uncommon one if I really don't need to, you know?

However, I do want to say that what I'm saying is NOT because I'm unhappy with the score. I'm just honestly not sure if I truly need to change some of the things I see all the time in stories, not just try to improve how I do it.

You could also show me that example you had to cut and everything needed for it in PM, if it's not something from a book with FAR more words than the one-shot story I wrote, but it's from something with a word count in the ballpark of the 3,000 word of so of the story. I'd also accept a version of how you might have started off, if you feel like it.

One of the things I heard is a good idea and even in the writer's guide of the site is to give descriptions like that when introducing a character, and it's really only a problem if it's said too often (LUS).

It's a solid advice for any new character you want to introduce but doesn't apply to someone who we already know how she looks like. It's like basically doing the LUS but the first few thousand times were done by the show. The reason it doesn't apply in my case is that the race official just shows up says that one line you've read lingers there silently and then we never see him again. It's pointless to describe someone with that little role just as it's pointless to describe every background pony in every scene.

In fact, a lot of what you said gives against several of the tips I've heard even from experienced writers and seen in stories on the site,

Are you sure they apply for the same situations? I just showed how every rule has exceptions in which they don't apply. Whatever I said apply to whatever part of your story I said it about. (I tried to pick up the most recurring problems so obviously they apply to the whole story to some degree, but each new chapter/scene/paragraph/line/word is a different problem.) Also you shouldn't think about adopting styles. You are the one doing the writing. Whatever you do is the definition of your style. And your style is your style for one reason and one reason only: because you like it. I can talk shit about it all I want, but in the end if you had fun writing it than it already a win and no one can take it from you.

So read my advice, read any advice you can get your hands onto, think why would they say that, and if there's merit to it try to apply it in your next work. And if you think it doesn't make any sense than don't. But I can't tell you if my advice is good or not. Of course I think what I say is good advice, that's why I say it. But if it contradicts with something else then it's your job to know which to use.

P.s. Sorry I reconsidered and I'm not gonna be able to send my previous example, it's way to hurtful.

7253917

P.s. Sorry I reconsidered and I'm not gonna be able to send my previous example, it's way to hurtful.

That bad huh? Well, I think I might know at least some of the things I did wrong or could have done better, so I'll try to go from that and hope I'm right.

As of now, I am planning to cut down on the descriptions and see how that goes. To be honest, this really works in my favor, since it would be less work. The chief reason I didn't already was because I thought it was how things were done (most of the time), didn't see a reason to not do it in this story, and didn't want to be lazy by doing it anyway.

But if having descriptions, if there's no story point to it, could do more harm than good, then, as I said, taking them out will just make things easier for me.

Also you shouldn't think about adopting styles.

I really wasn't planning on adopting another styles just because of this. It's more like I'll just look at adjust the style I used if I use it again and fix the issues it had so it's better next time, which I'm always looking to do as a way to make my stories better.

Whatch this video.
This is everything I talked about in the last two days in terms of crackfics. It's fast, it has a consistent line of thought, has nothing that's not supposed to be there, and completely, hillariously, random.

7254029

Okay.

I looked at that video, and had a good laugh, I think I have more of an idea of where I swung and missed in my story and how to fix and/or improve it.