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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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5439303
Kyra's a nice breath of fresh air to write, for sure. I just wish I could have gotten more of her personality out here, but that'll have to come later.
As for the dress, there's actually a pair of art pieces that PencilGuy did for me weeks ago when I was writing this, and they'll be posted to his blog when he gets home tonight. Sadly, neither of them is Alloy in the dress, but both are quite lovely. Thanks for reading!
I love your narration. Keeps me captivated and immersed.
Something seems to be up, with all the things going on here, eager to see where everything leads.
One shall see how well her tactic of hiring contractors plays out, no?
Yay for parties and making lotsa sales and getting a birdkitty to ride on!
Bowl of Grits.png
5440619
Thanks! And I sincerely apologize for the slow pace things have been going so far, but it is leading somewhere, promise.
5441332
Hmm, I feel like if Grit and Alloy tried to ride Kyra, it wouldn't end well.
5441453 It probably wouldn't end well, but it would probably be funny. Or hot. Or awkward. Or some combination.
I tried to keep a list of errata while I was reading, but I was too immersed in the story to pay much attention to minor mistakes, so I only found the one grammatically-correct-yet-mangled sentence in the prologue.
Well, it seems like it's probably a mangled sentence. I don't see how it makes sense in context if it's not.
5462676
Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you got immersed, though I apologize that it made you lose your notes, heh.
Admittedly, I'm not thinking at my best right now, but I'm a bit confused about what you see wrong in that sentence.
5467637
It's a non-sequitur
"I love smithing, but there is something that is almost as fun as repair"
I figured that you actually meant something more like,
While I loved my smithing, taking things apart and putting them back together was almost as enjoyable.
5468792
Ahhh, I see what you mean. No, it's just a different way of phrasing the same idea. For example, "There was something hypnotic in the way he danced."
But, my sentence in the prologue has a second "as" in it that's throwing it off its meaning.
I'm going to have to fix that. Thanks!
*Searches for Fallout stories recently updated which are 50k+*
*Not in results*
Why have you failed me search feature?
I see bartering and maybe store vouchers in the future. I do, though, find it strange that at 750 each it's ambiguous as to if it's two or three.
I wonder if she'll think to include a backup clause for if they don't find copper, possibly negating any vouchers. Though I do suppose vouchers are useless when the recipient is dead.
Edit: As many before me have said, you've done and are doing an excellent job, and I can't find much to nitpick about. The fishers are most intriguing, with near instantaneous enthralling. Though I suppose the proper term would be along the lines of enticement since it just makes them want the light...
Great chapter, good pacing. Yay we get more griffons! I do love those silly catbirds.
Also small note for radio procedure, 'over and out' is a complete redundancy. As over means you expect a response, and means that there's more info to follow, and out means you're terminating the call.
Just a small thing you really would have no real reason to know.
Love it. Keep up the good work man.
Good lord how did I let all these wonderful comments go unreplied to for so long! I'm so sorry to every one of you (especially Tofu). Fixing this now!
5466311
I'm really glad you enjoyed the prologue as a character piece, as that's essentially what it is, introducing the setting and characters. Pipistrelle and Mondo debated with me whether to make this a prologue or chapter 1, but in the end my argument was that this was basically a standalone character piece, almost independent from the rest of the story.
As for tense slipping, yea I definitely had a few rough edges in the story at that point. First person narration was new to me as of this story. Keeping an eye on that going forward for sure, thanks!
5469638
I'll reply to the whole racism idea first. Personally, I've always felt like there would be a much broader spectrum of reactions to zebra than "mistrustful/loathing." So I just approached it more from a character-by-character basis. Among those ponies who know just enough about the history, some of them in the story actually blame the Equestrian government more than the zebra nation. Some certainly would react poorly to a town of zebra, and some just don't care. Alloy falls into the last category, without question.
I really appreciate the feedback on the fight scene there. WEcon has been my first outing into first-person narration, and I've been trying to keep an eye on Alloy's awareness of the fight, make sure I don't bring up situations or actions that she may not have noticed. In doing so, though, I may have made the fight a little too clinical, though, and I'll definitely try and spice things up in the future.
5474963
I'm really happy that you saw that about Alloy's forge in particular here, though in general I'm glad I was able to convey some of the nuances of her being introverted. As an extrovert myself, I constantly worry that I'm overdoing it or not having her behave consistently, though once I get going and I'm in her head, the situation flows easier.
5487858
Regarding this kickoff... yea if I were to go back and rewrite, this chapter would come under the most scrutiny by far. It's one of the earliest story concepts that survived largely intact, and it shows in how clumsily it's executed here. I sincerely apologize for it, though I hope the following chapters make up for it.
As for Malice herself, she was so much fun to write. I'm personally looking forward to her next appearance.
5473734
Thank you for the kind words! Though, regarding Kyra, it's more that from her perspective, she's thinking of a few possible teammates for the job, and unsure if she can rely on some of them to be available. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
5519947
Thanks! I will, promise, and I have a goal for chapter 8. I'm hesitant to put it down in writing, but hopefully it will be soon!
I don't think I've put this in writing yet (outside the irc anyway) but I've been thoroughly enjoying your narrative and can't wait for more.
Each?! What the buck? I'm not a rich pony!
Time to dust off the old economy 101 book with a round of REVIEW TIME!
So not so much to say this time really as I am still a bit rusty and should really read the last chapter to ease myself into this a bit more careful than jumping back in right where I left off last time. One thing thou... Sugarland... yea from that name alone and them saying that they are the most friendly ponies around can you only expect cannibals! Its like when car salesmen call themselves "Honest Dave", we know that you are lying trough your teeth at us!
" A radio on the counter played the same smooth, graceful music I’d heard from the spritebots, but it was much clearer now, which I guessed it had something to do with the distance to the radio tower"
Fun nerdy fact, being this close to a radio tower would actually give a rather bad signal since radios ain't build for being that close to the source of the signal, its like standing right next a loudspeaker system, on the other hand would it be possible to hear whatever there was sent on the radio as resonance in metal items, such as bed springs from extra strong radio towers. The more you know!
"The fabric was rougher than I had expected, but it was still comfortable. There was an adjustable band hidden underneath the ribbon to fit it to my chest. I was skinnier than whomever it was intended for centuries ago." Lovely, just lovely example of showing instead of telling. Painting out small details about a wasteland pony and our main character in one simple line of description
Nitpics:
" I looked in the direction we had come, from the river." I think the sentence would flow better if the comma is moved to the other side of from
" I unhooked my saddlebags and set them next to me, " Sat? Tense can be a bitch at times.
"one of the myriad sounds outside snapped me back to alertness" Myriad is a number, so I am pretty sure it need an "of" after it, and be in plural as well.
"upbeat tunes that got the crowd excited and cheering Four Shoes had never been this lively" I think your sentence is lacking a comma before Four Shoes.
Female griffon! Female griffon! Female griffon! Female griffon! Female griffon! Female griffon!
YES!!! SO MUCH HAPPY RIGHT NOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR KYRA!!!