Life is really a struggle sometimes. Update of sorts. · 6:38pm Jun 6th, 2022
Hello all. I know it has been far too long since I've made any updates on anything really and I am very sorry about all that. Life the past few years has just been difficult mentally and emotionally for me and I really haven't had the right mindset to do much writing. As I come to terms with a lot of things as I grow older and have truly entered adulthood- ever since I graduated college.
You see, I grew up in a world/state/town where my whole mindset was woman was supposed to love man, only man, marry man, have kids with man, and learn and grow with man. Then eventually die with man and if we were good enough, find our places in the afterlife together as woman and man. I found my world normal and not nearly as complicated back then as a wee teen and younger child. Not perfect, but I had my school friends and church friends and all was as well as it could be. I shared many of the same views as my parents, and though many others in my community thought that a bad thing, that I should think for myself, I didn't question it back then. Looking back now, I probably even hurt a lot of feelings for people in other communities different from my own because of my straight, strict views of my parents and church instilled in me, and if I could go back would want to plead forgiveness of them. But that is then and not something that can be changed.
Then, I went off to college, alone for the first time in my life. I had never been away from my parents for longer than a week before then. In my first college not much changed, I still held many of my parents and churches views on things, did what I was told, and believed what I was told to believe. Though, it was here I first started feeling something was different about me, wrong about me. I hung out with my roommates some, but there were many more challenges I faced, mostly mentally, as I saw how different I was from the average person around my age (though most of them were a few years younger, since I took two years of work to save up for college before going). I thought I made some good friends, but eventually saw their true colors and because of some roommates and their actions, I fell and learned some harsh lessons that I really shouldn't have had to and that made me change my ways of doing things. Before, I would ask to come along on events/adventures/gaming kind of things, but after what some roommates did to me, I learned the harsh 'lesson'- stop inviting yourself to things. If XYZ wants you to go, they will ask you to come. Because of that, I rarely did anything with roommates anymore, as they never asked.
At my second college, after I got my associates at the first, things were better for a while, and I'm not sure how it started exactly, but my views on things my church and parents had always said started to change, and I was changing too. I started to question myself, everything about me, and with some actions of others learned that I probably wasn't as straight as I thought. I'd had feelings like that before in the past, sure, even some very weird dreams, but because of my past all these were quashed as being silly and 'something I ate before bed' causing them. (And no, no one tried to touch me in bad ways or do anything else intimate to me, I can't exactly recall the actions they did anymore but it wasn't that.) It was also the time I started getting deeper into MLP fanfics, the more intimate ones and realized 'hey, this sounds like me!' I did some soul searching and study, taking a leaf out of Twilight's book and all, and came to realize I was probably Bisexual. I might lean more toward guys, but I did find some girls attractive and 'smash worthy'? as the saying goes?
Of course, being from the state I am from, and how my church views such things, I've always kept it quiet from anyone in real life, for fear that it might get back to my parents, siblings, or someone else that would make my life a living tartarus for feeling that way. It also didn't help that during this time of study, I also discovered something else about myself- I am most likely on the other other spectrum, autism that is, or Asperger's more specifically, since I am on a 'high-functioning' side of things, but have about S1 Twilight's kind of experience with groups and communicating kind of stuff. I am super awkward with them as I think differently from them and act differently. I can be more blunt or no filter for things (like a mare's heat. I know many fine it taboo to talk about, but for some reason I always seem to word vomit it out that I am on it as an excuse to why I am acting the way I am.) Along with many of the other little signs. This made things hard, especially since my parents/siblings refuse to believe I am on that spectrum, that I can't be anything but their 'perfect little angel,' as I never tested positive for it (not that girls were tested back when I was little. Back then it was still thought only white boys could have autism.)
With this realization, it finally occurred to me why I was the way I was, and probably why I've had so few dates in the past. No man wanted to deal with 'all this' after they 'got to know me'. This has made me feel unloved and very emotionally depressed, like a starving changeling, subsisting on only platonic love of family/fellow church members, and never even close to full.
Then I graduated college with my BA and things went even worse now that I didn't have that as a way to socialize. Within the last few years when I was living in an apartment with whom I thought was my best friend and our cat, and as Covid hit, the emotion of it all hit hard as I realized how few friends I had in the offline world, and I mostly stopped writing. I worked hard to at least finish LLtQ book one (before covid of course) but after that I kind of dropped out, not feeling it as much anymore. (As you can see...) Then, the worst thing happened, with rent costs rising sky high and the few places available snatched within a day or two, we got the news that our landlord wasn't renewing our lease, and I had to part ways with my college town, the apt I'd lived in the last 3.4 years, my roomie, and worst of all our cat, who ended up going with the roomie. Some golf ball sized tears fell that day as I left to move back in with my parents, and back in with the toxicness of how much my dad and brother hated anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community. I still hadn't/haven't told them how I feel about my sexuality because of that. Hearing all of that each day just makes my soul hurt worse and worse and so I hide in my room much as I can to stay away from it, distracting myself with just reading cute fanfics or streaming random stuff, unable to even think too much of writing.
BUT, BUT... there is a bright light on the horizon, just out of reach atm. A good friend I met on here a few years ago has offered to take me in once they can find a home big enough for all of us. As, lo and behold, we have quite possibly become even more than just friends, with how we feel about each other. I can't say for sure yet, as I am one who needs to meet in person and get to know someone in person before I can know for sure, but even if we just stay friends at least I will have a place where I can feel loved, wanted, needed. It will be a HUGE culture and climate shock, as things in her neck of the woods are far, far, different from they are here, but we will see. At least with her I should be able to start healing emotionally and mentally to a place where I can write again and on a regular basis. I do still write a few scenes here and there right now, but nothing substantial.
This new move might be happening late July, if she can find a place over there, so will see where things go from there.
Anyway that is pretty much all of this blog heh if you read the entire thing, treat yourself to a muffin! ^.^
TL:DR
Life has been harder than usual in recent years and has me in a bad place mentally/emotionally, but things are looking up and I should be able to feel like writing again soon. So don't give up on me yet! 
And there goers my chance to pair you up with that lazy dragon near to you
*Dramatic tush*
Nah, good for you! Getting away from all this old Balast! Start over in a new place with new people and a new lifestyle hopefully
The naughty gods would be proud!🐲
Good thing however it ends it surely will be better than it was before and you come out better than before anyway!
So good luck!🍀
(Better pray to Fortuna to give you a helping hoof)
5662763
Hehe which one, Cyo or Schatten? :P Well I guess Schatten is the one nearer to me. :P
Thanks <3 But yess so much so! That is what I am hoping for, see how it all goes.
They would be very proud indeed!
But yes, if things don't work out intimately, at least I should still have good friends to help me heal better than I can here.
Thanks, and I shall indeed do so!
5662770
Oh yes, little Cyo! Totally forgot XD Yeah, Schatten was who I had in mind, though, Cyo, even as half dragon, wouldhave been good too! (He so fluffy and cute!)
5662773
Okay I figured as much. ;) But yeah both would have been fun dragons/half-dragons
Glad things are okies for you.
Nice knowing a bit more about the cutie bug :3