Funny High School Story · 2:16am Dec 17th, 2021
It was 2018, and I only had a month left of school before graduation. The 9th and 10th graders had to take the STAAR test, so the school needed the hallways quiet between classes. So they decided that for the next three days, they would assemble all the 11th and 12th graders into the auditorium for all-day sex and drug PSAs. They invited a bunch of speakers, and some of them, well... some of them they DEFINITELY didn't research.
The first speaker was the local dentist, who was also the least interesting of everyone they invited. Not only did he lack humor, but the images he showed were obviously above PG-13. Everyone groaned in disgust at the images, but luckily, I was blind. Unfortunately, we were required to pay attention. That meant no drawing, no looking at our phones, and no reading, even. However, since I was sitting in the back of the auditorium, all I had to do was take off my glasses (blindness is cool). Due to my nearsightedness, I didn't have to see the grisly images projected onto the screen.
His presentation was short, to everyone's relief. There was a small break so that everyone could stretch their legs outside, and we all went back in. This is where the real magic began. Keep in mind: this is the first of the three days, and it would already be off to a great start. Well, in my opinion, it was a great start. If anything, it made the three days, not just bearable, but entertaining. I've never been one to get offended by something, especially if the act committed is offensive. That said, I was indifferent to the rest of my classmates. While everyone was trying to boo or roast the next speaker off stage for her ludicrous remarks, I sat there with a smile on my face, wishing that this moment in time would never end.
After our break, I changed seats to sit with some friends. I sat at the front of the auditorium instead of the back this time. Unknowingly, I would have the best view of the show.
They brought her on. It started okay… if you define okay as her explaining to us who Ted Bundy was. Some of the kids had never heard of him and were confused. I was familiar with the guy because I've researched him before and could kind of see where she was going with this, but I was still confused. She showed us a fifteen-minute clip from the last interview before his execution. In it, he explained how he got into pornography at a young age, and, well, one thing led to another, and he's now known as one of America's worse serial killers. For the life of me, I still couldn't figure out where she was going with this. Of course, there were many other things to factor in when it comes to how Ted Bundy came to be -- such as the fact that he was a literal psychopath.
This is where things really started to go off the rails. After the video ended, the speaker got back on stage and told us about the dangerous habits that come from consuming a copious amount of pornography. Even after her explanation, nobody knew what she was going for. I've heard the phrase, "Porn rots the mind," but this woman was trying to tell an auditorium full of teenagers that it will turn us into mindless apes with a tenacity for violence. Part of that turned out to be accurate, but enough about my personal life.
She segwayed into the topic of sex before marriage. She said, "If you are religious -- doesn't matter what religion you are, any is fine -- raise your hand." Well, more than half the auditorium raised their hands. Then, jabbing a finger toward the crowd with an Aha gotcha even though I have brain constipation face, she said, "You're going against your religion! Most religions have a rule that if you have sex before marriage, you are going against your god!" She then went on a tangent about how we are defying our faith and that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Unfortunately for her, I have no shame.
There was evident tension in the audience, and some of the students were even saying, "What?" She started to say things that only a person who goes to an "Autism Speaks convention" and wonders why everyone has to speak to her slowly would say. "Sex before marriage is illegal." After she saw the confusion run through the crowd: "You can look it up in your own time, just trust me." Which has all the energy of, “Sources: dude, trust me.”
After a few more minutes of chastising everyone for not following their religious beliefs properly, she got off stage. I can't remember if there was applause, but I can infer that everybody was excited for her to leave.
And if it ended there, she might still have her job. (Just realized that I didn't explain the part where she worked at a company that helps teens who are pregnant. Worked. -ed. :/)
A member of the school board (my guess would be the principal) likely told her that she had to get back on stage and apologize for her statements. While writing this, I thought maybe it was her own decision to get up there because she realized she had gone too far. But then, I thought about it. After remembering everything that she said that day, I think it's safe to say that she can't make decisions independently because she has the brain capacity of a social media influencer.
The principal announced her by saying she would like to make a "formal" apology. She got on stage and started with, "I realize that I may have offended some people..." Then came the infamous, "But..."
She remained very adamant about convincing an auditorium full of teenagers about to become fully-fledged members of society that sex before marriage was illegal. The tension only got higher from there, and the entire crowd started to shout at her. She began to say way worse things that I can't remember, but it got the crowd spiked up.
Her "formal apology" ended up being way longer than her actual presentation, and I'm pretty sure that the school had to thwart a few other things it had planned because of her. One thing we were promised, however, was an extended lunch period, and we would get it depending on how we behaved. She knew about this because the principal announced it directly at the top of the morning and decided it would be an excellent opportunity to make a joke.
"Geez, I sure hope that none of you have sex during your extended lunch period!"
I think I was the only one cheering that day.
She said a whole bunch of other stupid crap, and I'm pretty sure that she called everyone in the room retarded at one point. Eventually, she thought it would be a good idea to let five students come up to her with questions, and she would try to refute them. "But if I don't like the question," she said, "I'll pick somebody else." Which kind of made sense considering how every single student was offended and wanted to say everything they thought about her at that moment, but at this point, it was starting to come off as a power play.
She picked five people individually. Each student tried to stump/roast her with their question. Rather than calmly walk up to the stage, one student stood up and yelled at her for attacking everyone's beliefs by shoving her condescending reality down our throats. The student got big applause for that. Finally, I was the fifth person to go up.
As I said, I was indifferent to the rest of the school. While everybody else was offended, I found the whole situation hilarious and never wanted it to end. I didn't even care if we got the extended lunch break. That's how indifferent I was. I was just excited that something interesting was finally happening at school. That said, while everybody else was trying to roast/stump her, I had a different question in mind.
Looking back, I probably could have asked a better question. Unlike everyone else, I wanted to present an actual argument that would at least get an interesting response out of her. When she picked on me, I walked up to the stage and told her, "You said that sex before marriage is illegal..." she nodded. "So, how would this apply to somebody who doesn't believe in the concept of marriage?"
She looked shocked by my question for a moment but quickly recomposed herself. She smiled and said, "Okay."
As I was walking back to my seat: "So, he just asked me how the legality of sex before marriage would apply to somebody who does not believe in the concept of marriage. In truth, I think you should have sex when you feel in love --" even though that statement alone suplexes every argument she made that day into the ground -- "But usually if you don't believe in the concept of marriage, that usually deals in..." She pauses to look at the crowd. Then, "Homosexuality.”
So, basically, "Oh, it's probably because you're gay!"
Damn, this explains why I can't get pussy.
This went on for an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Eventually, she got off stage — to uproarious applause — and we got our extended lunch period. Probably because we deserved it at that point for the dumpster fire we were forced to watch. That night the principal sent an apology to every single parent. My mom knocked on my door when she got home from work and played it to me with an excited look on her face. I come from a family that doesn't get offended easily, and when I told the story to her, she laughed. I told it to my step-dad when he got home, and he laughed.
The next day, we all gathered into the auditorium once again. This time, the morning began with the principal announcing how sorry he was about what transpired the day before and that there were some speakers who worked at the same company that she did. They wanted to apologize on behalf of the company and their friend/co-worker. They wanted us to know that she was a good person, which I believed even if she did have the attention span of a goldfish, and proceeded to tell stories about how kind she was. They didn't tell us whether or not she got fired, but I think, "She was packing up her office," was explanatory enough.
The speakers they had lined up for the following days were surprisingly enjoyable. One was a comedian-turned-motivational speaker who had just the right bit of edge to relate to a crowd of teenagers. Another was an ex-drug addict who displayed a mugshot that he smiled for onto the screen. Some of the speakers weren't as interesting, such as a duo of police officers who talked about the dangers of drugs and showed photos of some raids that they did (one of these photos being of a flammable liquid found inside a children's toy box).
All-in-all, this was the happiest moment in all of high school for me. I look back at it and think of it as hilarious, but I know that she was just having an “Oops, brainfart moment.” Think about it this way: You have worked at this company for thirteen. You’ve gathered lots of experience, and you’re confident in your knowledge. Then, one day, somebody approaches you and asks if you would like to do public speaking at a high school. You accept, think you have it in the bag already. You do the presentation and realize that you should have thought through it more — but it’s too late. You’ve already upset a room full of three hundred people. Now you have to apologize, but the eyes of three hundred people is too intimidating. You have to defend yourself, and you do so in ways that don’t make sense, even to yourself, due to the amount of pressure. You try to crack jokes to lighten the mood, but you’re already the enemy, so why does it matter?
If anything, I like to think that this was a decent person who had a hiccup. If she didn’t learn from this experience, then, well, fuck her. But if she did, then I hope she’s doing well in life.
Also, to the owner of the red Mercedes, your car is in a handicapped spot. Please move it.
US schools sound cracked.
Source: dude, I trust you
Move your own car.