the darf is dead (long live the darf) · 8:15am May 14th, 2021
first, that's a metaphor. i am not dead, and i am feeling surprisingly non-suicidal, so take that as you will.
over the last few days i reached out to what i hope are all my commissioners, offering them full refunds on their purchases. i won't share any more details about that here, other than to say it's something that i can't really afford but am hoping to sort out through various means.
the punchline is that i don't feel like i can write anymore. without going into too much detail, i will just say that writing in general is difficult when you feel that life is pointless, and specifically writing about love, romance, and sex, when you are miserable, hateful, and alone, is not a very easy feat. that is our experience, anyway.
we will still be on the site from time to time, and may continue writing pony. G5 has not inspired us in any way shape or form, but where there is innocence, there is the need to corrupt it, and that's probably going to be our wheelhouse until the end of time. if we don't lewd the ponies, who will?
i don't know what this means for our patreon, or our future as a writer. mostly i do not have the brain power to figure things like this out any more. my only hope and focus for the future right now is figuring out how to be a human being: how to cook and clean up after myself, how to do basic things like laundry and hygiene, how to talk about our problems, how to not see everything as a manifestation of our trauma, etc., etc..
i am not optimistic about this initiative. my life is 31 (technically 32 today) years of lived experience which suggests i am simply not capable of learning or growing as a person enough to be happy. it suggests that i am alone because i suck, and that i deserve to be alone and suck by my sucky self until the end of eternity.
if i ignore that reality, the other side of the coin suggests that i am a half-decent person who deserves to be treated with kindness. i deserve patience and forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt as i work on my path towards recovery. and while i'm more than capable of manifesting that goodwill in myself when it comes to other people, it never seems to work when pointed in my own direction. like... maybe people really don't know how much i suck. because i suck a lot.
any way, enough pity party. if there is any commissioner i have not contacted to offer a refund, please message me immediately so we can sort out the details. as usual, i am very sorry.
bye for now~
p.s.
i am gay
Non-suicidal is good! Glad to hear it!
Thank you for all you've written for me over the years. I really do appreciate it. Best of luck to you in the future.
Happy birthday!
Btw, it is possible, and even clinically likely for persons with certain conditions, to change considerably for the better, at and following age thirty. Healthy habits is a good place to start.
Tip on laundry: ignore the detergent label. Use way less than called for, and agitate longer. If the laundry doesn't seem clean afterward, do another full wash with very little detergent. Too much detergent just redeposits on clothes. Routinely do an extra rinse.
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Take care of yourself, brother. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
I'm very much a fan of the other side of the coin.
On the one hand it's sad to see you go, but I'm much happier that it's for relatively positive reasons and self-betterment than something else. I absolutely agree with others that the second half of the coin is more likely, because we're all our own worst critics. I'm still learning myself, being much younger than you, but a tip: you don't have to improve all at once. I'm still learning to cook one recipe at a time, but any recipes at all is a sign that I'm putting effort in and growing, just the same as you will be. As humans, our special quality is moreso growth towards goodness than in perfection (at least I like to think so).
Tl;dr I wish you well, and hope to indeed still see you around, even if you just blog about what cool stuff you've done or thought.
Glad you're ok bud, we'll always be here for you if you need us!