It's War, Gentlemen (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 24) · 5:11pm May 13th, 2021
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
New York!
And now:
The chapter begins with a New York Times headline and a call from the president. She wants to meet up at the White House. Steve decides this is a bad idea for seemingly no reason and instead requests a representative come to West Point (they're back in West Point, by the way).
President Stinson sends one General Walters, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and, as the president puts it, their top military man. He asks what Theresa's planning with regards to North Korea. She explains that she's developed a 'search and destroy' program that will randomly search people for weapons, then destroy every weapon around that person before moving on to the next. She plans to use this to rid North Korea of any means by which it can oppress its citizens. This, of course, is an overly simplistic and naïve plan, which the General is quick to point out. Specifically, he tells her that if she did that, the peoples' uprising would be a bloody one.
North Korea has two million people with government jobs, from the top leader, to the lowest city worker. They’ll all be killed. The atrocities will make Nazi concentration camps look like vacation resorts.”
That's a terrible comparison; an estimated six million or so Jews died in the Holocaust (according to figures from the US Holocaust Memorial Museum's website), and that's just the Jewish. It's even higher if you include other groups the Nazis targeted, like Soviets or the Polish. It's a bit of a tasteless comparison, too.
The General advises her to be careful, and that she won't accomplish much unless she can secure the North Koreans' cooperation. Which is understandably difficult.
Once again, I would like you to guess what Theresa's next move is. Write it in the comments below.
I'm serious. I want to see them. Especially yours, readers who haven't commented yet. I know you're there. Show yourselves!
Done?
Okay.
So Theresa's new plan is thus: She's going to wipe out all weapons starting at the border with South Korea upwards to the capitol. Then she'll personally lead the South Korean army on a march north, take over the capitol, and seat herself as the new head of the government, on the principal that the North Koreans would rather have her than accept a South Korean rule.
Betcha didn't see that one coming, didja? I'm sure this will go over just fine.
The General gives his approval and calls up the PotUS. The operation is a go.
First, however, Theresa needs to make preparations. She asks the Army to make scale models of every weapon used by NK, so HAL can use them to identify weapons in the field.
I looked over the entire collection of weapon models. There were hundreds of items. There were so many ways to shoot people!
Indeed there are. Oh, and we get another instance of Theresa's catchphrase:
“It’ll take months to describe these to HAL,” I complained to Steve.
“You can give it up.”
“Forget it. You can’t go into North Korea with me. They might take you hostage and get me to do anything they want. If people don’t understand that they can drop dead.”
I like to imagine that some canned sitcom laughter plays after every time she says this. It eases the pain a little.
Eventually, the preparations are completed. Theresa is made an officer in the US Army, for reasons of decorum; the uniform will give her an official edge when she goes to assume power.
I'm not joking, that's the actual reasoning:
To make this possible I had to have some sensitivity to the North Koreans’ pride. I couldn’t strut around in jeans, or worse than that, a skirt. The North Koreans couldn’t be expected to take that seriously. What they did take seriously was military authority; it’s all they’d known for generations.
A skirt? Heaven forbid.
They decide to begin by sabotaging some of the larger weapons at NK's disposal ahead of time. First to go are the atom bombs. Steve has devised a way for HAL to display his progress, by the way: a ping-pong ball in a tube. He raises the ball when he's found a weapon.
*
That's an asterisk. I'm really hoping it's a typo; considering the actual text, I can't imagine what a footnote would be like.
This task takes a day or so. Next to go are rockets and missiles. Then jet fighters.
Airmen in North Korea were dismayed to see the rear eight feet of their jet fighters falling off.
I would be rather dismayed too, if I were the one flying the thing.
Next is artillery, mortars, mounted guns, ships, tanks, etc. All of this takes a week, and frankly I'm surprised NK hasn't done anything to retaliate yet, considering how suicidal they were earlier with the water columns.
Theresa is formally sworn into service. Scotch is broken out. People cheer. The chapter ends.
See you next time, folks.
Oh, I like this plan. :D
Not much of a chapter, this one. :B