Friendship is Card Games and Witchcraft: Foaly Matripony · 12:28pm Apr 18th, 2021
This week, we approach one of the momentous events of the series from a much more twisted perspective. It’s time for a witchy wedding, folks.
Celestia doesn’t have the ability to strip a fellow princess of her power, so she has no choice but to invite Twilight. Also interesting to see the rest of the Mane Six have made enough of an impact to qualify as “annoying,” though that may just be their prevalence in Twilight’s incessant friendship reports.
Pinkie getting cut for time. I wonder if this is metafictional backlash for the portal.
Applejack. A speechwriter. I’m imagining the Bubba Gump shrimp montage writ even larger.
Dash is given a truly impossible task for her. And Rarity has the appropriate reaction to being told she has to effectively organize an entire wedding singlehoofedly.
And the fact that Celestia wants as little to do with Twilight as possible gets glossed over, as that doesn’t fit in the madmare’s worldview.
“Cadence Notevil Goodpony” is a brilliant way to toy with audience expectations. On the one hand, I’d expect that kind of alias from the Chrysalis of an Equestria this stupid. On the other, well, we’ll see.
“Francis Sparkle,” meanwhile, riffs on Shining Armor’s voice actor and the crapshoot that is pony naming conventions, and I am all for it.
You know it’s bad when the angry rant frightens the local cult leader. To say nothing of the tragedy of Sandwich.
Ah, the step-sibling excuse. Or as Shakespearicles calls it, “the coward’s option.”
And one of the more impressive songs of FiW, especially given the original animation.
In a brilliant freeze-frame bonus, you see that Shining Francis was left on the Sparkles’ doorstep by Raincloud. Best not to question how that works.
The reaction on Francis’s face after the face-lick is brilliant.
I am a sucker for good dynamic typography.
And now we see just why this Twilight got sent to Ponyville. It was a banishment. Celestia may have been too merciful this time.
Twilight, you haven’t sold your hair or teeth. You don’t get to sing that number.
The “2013 Desperation Tour” line amuses me more than it probably should. Ah, the plight of the flavor of the month.
Well, it wasn’t like Spike was that impactful in canon… though it’s interesting to see that Fluttershy got through. I guess the shield detects at least one of the recessive genes.
“It’s important to demonstrate to kids that both blacks and whites can be subservient to our white demigod.”
I’m, uh, I’m not gonna touch that one.
Nice call back to Luna’s song. Apparently that’s a component of national security.
I’m not sure why they incorporated Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater music, but they did.
Oh. Right. The doubling down on Shining’s surfer-dude appearance. If you’ve ever seen him associated with corndogs and wondered why, blame Francis Sparkle.
I’m also not sure what a militarily enforced friend zone entails, and I’m a bit concerned to find out.
Okay, very nice touch with the direct demonstration of Twilight’s hallucinations of disembodied heads. And her horribly twisted worldview. The “Cadence, it’s me!” takes on a completely new meaning since this is the first time they’ve met.
And, of course, Cadence being one of the most genuinely good people on this planet.
Darn it, Spike, you know you’re not allowed to dream.
Lyra’s association with pants, on the other hand, did not begin here.
Yeesh. Even Celestia wants as little to do with her sister as possible. Though with Twilight back in Canterlot, I imagine she does have her hooves full.
Chrysalis as a projection of this Twilight’s flaws works to a distressing degree.
I’ve never really gotten a good look at Shining’s house before. Though I’m pretty sure they edited in the three Grammies.
And now we see the true horror: Twilight flattens those around her into shallow caricatures of themselves, all to make herself look better.
Twilight proposes the actual episode title, because she always gets what she wants.
And a mood-disrupting commercial. Just like the Hub!
I’m not entirely sure how the jump cut worked. I suspect it’s only because it was a jump cut, thus removing the need for any further explanation. That or Twilight magnified her mental domination capabilities by an order of magnitude, especially given how neither Celestia nor her parents have any issue with the wedding.
So… Cadence is the democratically elected leader of her own country. This could lead to war.
A lot to take in with Pony Pony News, from the crossed-out Raincloud and moon to the date of FeBraeburnuary 13th, 20IV4-67 (and the high will be in the nineties!) to Celestia just wanting to be alone after the wedding. Also, robot wolves are indeed timberwolves. Chalk up one in the “accidentally called it” column for me.
Ah. 97º Marenheit is apparently 50º Celestius… and 5 Coltvin. Which raises a large number of questions.
Meanwhile, the time rifts are worsening, music is forbidden, and John de Lancie’s ponysona is flashing ponies in Fillydelphia.
Cadence dead in her subterranean, Shining emotionally dead inside, Celestia defeated… Yeah, the only difference between this and Chrysalis’s victory is less green slime. And Fluttershy’s taking care of that.
A disturbing showcase of this Twilight’s madness and how she inflicts it on the world around her. But it does make for great card fodder.
Sphere of Discrimination 3W
Enchantment
As Sphere of Discrimination enters the battlefield, choose a creature type.
If a source of the chosen type would deal damage to you, prevent 2 of that damage.
Discrimination affirms fear.
Cadence Not-Evil Goodpony 3WW
Legendary Creature — Noble
Alicorn (This card is also a Pony Pegasus Unicorn.)
Flying
If Cadence would deal damage, each player gains that much life instead.
At the beginning of your upkeep, if each player has at least 5 life more than their starting life total, you win the game.
3/5
Cut for Time 1U
Instant
Counter target spell unless its controller pays X, where X is the number of spells that player has cast this turn.
Pinkie was happy just to be included in the background.
“It’ll be OK” 2U
Enchantment — Song
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a verse counter on “It’ll be OK”.
1UU, Sacrifice “It’ll be OK”: Gain control of target spell unless its controller pays X, where X is the number of verse counters on “It’ll be OK”. If you gain control of that spell this way, you may choose new targets for it.
Flatten Character 3U
Instant
Turn target nontoken creature face down. (It’s a 2/2 creature.)
Twilight is always the most interesting pony in the area.
Left on the Doorstep 2UUU
Instant
Gain control of target creature that entered the battlefield this turn.
One person’s tragedy can be another’s dream fulfilled.
Babbling Hallucination 4U
Creature — Unicorn Illusion
Flying
Madness 2U (If you discard this card, discard it into exile. When you do, cast it for its madness cost or put it into your graveyard.)
Twilight’s favorite friends tell her only what she wants to hear.
3/3
Medical Research 5U
Sorcery
This spell costs 1 less to cast for each poisoned player.
Draw three cards.
As more succumbed to the infection, more understood the importance of finding a cure.
Hominid Relic 1B
Creature — Human Skeleton
2B: Hominid Relic gains indestructible until end of turn. Tap it.
3BB: Monstrosity 3. (If this creature isn’t monstrous, put three +1/+1 counters on it and it becomes monstrous.)
Horror, like all perceptions, is relative.
2/1
Ruined Ceremony 1BB
Instant
If a player would gain life this turn, they lose that much life instead. If a player would draw cards this turn other than the first one they draw in each of their draw steps, they discard that many cards instead.
There’s always that one guest.
Destitute Scrounging 3B
Sorcery
If you control a Swamp and no other permanents, you may sacrifice that Swamp rather than pay this spell’s mana cost.
You draw two cards and lose 2 life.
There’s always more to give.
Desperation Tour 4B
Sorcery
Return target creature card from your graveyard to the battlefield. If it’s a Band, each opponent loses 2 life and you gain 2 life.
Some bands reunite out of renewed artistic passion. Some just run out of money.
Limb from Limb XB
Sorcery
Distribute X -1/-1 counters among up to X target creatures.
Newt rejoiced. Now reality couldn’t intrude on his fantasies of a better world.
Cascading Extinction XBB
Sorcery
Destroy any number of target creatures that each have a different mana value X or less.
One lost link at the bottom of the food chain can make the whole thing collapse.
Widening Rifts R
Enchantment
If an effect would remove one or more time counters from a permanent or suspended card, it removes that many time counters plus one from it instead.
Pinkie’s portal sent ripples through all of time, accelerating the world’s destruction.
Vaporize the Competition XR
Sorcery
This spell costs an additional “Sacrifice a creature” for each target beyond the first.
Vaporize the Competition deals X damage to each of any number of target creatures and/or planeswalkers. If a permanent dealt damage this way would die this turn, exile it instead.
Body Slam 1G
Sorcery
Target creature you control deals damage equal to its toughness to target creature you don’t control.
“A princess should never be afraid to throw her weight around.”
—Princess Twilight Sparkle
Stalking Panther 2G
Creature — Cat
Stalking Panther has hexproof as long as it’s untapped.
Between the panther’s stealthy tactics and dark coat, its prey only has the split second of a pounce to notice its presence.
3/2
Apple Family Alchemist 3G
Creature — Pony Shaman
When Apple Family Alchemist enters the battlefield, up to one target creature’s base power and toughness become equal to the number of lands you control until end of turn.
She brews much more than cider.
3/2
Fond Remembrance 4GG
Sorcery
Return up to two target permanent cards from your graveyard to your hand.
Suspend 3—1G (Rather than cast this card from your hand, you may pay 1G and exile it with three time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter. When the last is removed, cast it without paying its mana cost.)
Breaded Plate 3
Artifact — Equipment
When Breaded Plate enters the battlefield, create a Food token. When you do, attach Breaded Plate to target creature you control. (A Food token is an artifact with “2, T, Sacrifice this artifact: You gain 3 life.”)
Equipped creature gets +1/+1 for each artifact you control.
Equip 4
Blood Rune Circle BR
Enchantment
(br), Sacrifice a creature: Scry 1. Put a blood counter on Blood Rune Circle.
Remove three blood counters from Blood Rune Circle: Create a 3/6 black and red Avatar creature token with haste and “Whenever this creature attacks, it deals 3 damage to each opponent.”
Fluttershy sighed. The wrong ritual again.
Obligatory Invitation 1GW
Enchantment
Whenever a permanent enters the battlefield under an opponent’s control, if it wasn’t cast, you may put a permanent card that shares a card type with it from your hand onto the battlefield. (Lands aren’t cast.)
B.B.B.F.F. 1GWU
Legendary Creature — Unicorn Band
Ward 2 (Whenever this creature becomes the target of a spell or ability an opponent controls, counter it unless that player pays 2.)
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, create a 1/1 blue Unicorn creature token for each Song card in your graveyard.
3/5
Celestia’s Sorrow 2WB
Sorcery
Each player chooses a number of creatures they control equal to the number of creatures controlled by the player who controls the fewest, then sacrifices the rest. Players discard cards and exile cards from their graveyards the same way.
Supplicant Platoon 2WB
Creature — Unicorn Soldier
Creatures you control with alicorn have “Ward — Pay 3 life.”
All fear and revere Celestia in equal measure.
3/3
Demanding Tyrant 2BR
Creature — Unicorn Warlock
At the beginning of each opponent’s upkeep, that player reveals their hand. You choose a card from it. Exile that card. That player may play it this turn.
At the beginning of each opponent’s end step, if there are cards exiled with Demanding Tyrant, put them into their owner’s graveyard.
3/3
Fossil Bed
Land
T: Add C.
G(rw), T, Sacrifice Fossil Bed: Return target Dinosaur card from your graveyard to your hand.
The ancient stones still remember the beasts they consumed.
Applejack is 100% right on "It'll Be OK" - "That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard!"
Heck of a song, though. The FiW folks really knew what they were doing with those!
This was truly the pinnacle of early fan parody. DWKs later stuff has much of the same snark but in a completely different in-your-face way, but FiW set the bar; and this episode was the best of them all.
A couple of references in this episode that were glanced over or maybe merely not brought up here:
And thanks to a fan of the show, BBBFF.net, which had previously been taken down and was only accessible in its archived state, is now available again. Check it for a little more info on the band.
I actually cribbed this in Finding Your Place, when I had Cadance mention that his full name was "Shining Francis Armor."
5500627
Eh, I think that DWK, despite all the profanity and autism jokes, had a more good-natured vibe to it. FiW always struck me as more mean-spirited and subversive, where the joke was mainly how stark the contrast was to the real show. That actually diminishes it a bit in my eyes. Like, I have never watched a single episode of Hellsing, but I still enjoyed the Hell (kek) out of Hellsing Abridged. I could get the humor despite my lack of knowledge. Whereas is I had no prior knowledge of Pony before watching FiW, some jokes would land, yeah, but bigger ones like Twilight being a egomaniac and Spike being useless, wouldn't be as effective.
Grimmest satire of the whole series, but I suspect it only would've gotten grimmer had not Jenny and Griffin pulled out of the parody business midway through Equestria Girls.
Inside Baseball Alert: Wrong ritual indeed, considering she's trying to summon the Smooze. Being an "avatar" means that it's probably okay to summon one across planar boundaries post-Mending, or at least enough so for me to lower my eyebrow.
Wow… just wow. That was disturbing on several levels. But still funny.
I probably would have worded Destitute Scrounging like this to make it less terrible in the late game:
Other than that, this is a great batch of prototype cardboard.