More Blog Posts94

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  • 48 weeks
    Closing Thoughts on 10 Years

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2020 · 2:33am Sep 10th, 2020

I hate this year. And not for the most obvious reasons. Anyone who has been keeping track of my activity on this site probably remembers my choice words for 2018, which I still hold up as the worst year of my life. But if 2020 does not outright dethrone that year, then 2020 is at the very least the most miserable year of my life thus far. And the COVID-19 pandemic isn’t even a significant factor in it.

I won’t act like the pandemic is not responsible for some of my animosity towards this year. I had plans made for this year. I intended for 2020 to be the year I set in motion my plans to move out and get my own place. But the resulting lockdown put that on hold. And that’s not on top of the other disruptions to my usual routines that I once took for granted. On top of that, there have been unexpected hardships for other members of my family, financial issues I do not have an answer for, a health scare the likes of which I never had to face before that thankfully ended up being a false alarm, and becoming more aware about long term career dilemmas that I must be ready to make changes for. This summer has been especially cruel to me and even resulted in my first panic attack.

But the one thing I am most bitter about with this year is that 2020 was the year that forced me to give up on finding love.

As of this year, I have experienced 7 failed relationships since summer of 2012. And this final relationship ended up being the longest as well as the worst of them all. Eight years ago, the very thought of giving up on looking for a woman to spend the rest of my life with would have been incomprehensible to me. But by now, the past several years have caused me to become a far more cynical and jaded man than I ever thought possible. And I have decided I am sick of the disappointment of being repeatedly having my efforts and expectations let down due to reasons outside my control.

As someone who has been burned too many times for eerily similar reasons, I implore anyone who is reading this who may be considering pursuing a relationship in the future to please heed my words.

1. Do not seek a relationship with one who hails from an abusive family background.
2. Do not do so with someone plagued by any symptoms of PTSD or other trauma induced disorders.
3. Avoid relationships with anyone suffering from severe mental illness. And most importantly, any combination of the above.

Being disappointed too many times, I cannot in good conscious actively seek out a romantic partner anymore. It’s not healthy to keep doing this to myself. And I cannot begin to convey my frustration with having to give up on a desire I once valued so dearly. They say every bread has its cheese. Whoever the bread to my cheese may be, I just can’t be bothered to try to find them anymore. I’m done searching.

This has been a vile year for me and I can’t hate it enough for what it has given me and taken away. If I didn’t have The Lost Element to give me something to focus my creative energies on, I don’t know what I would even be doing with myself right now. Quite frankly, I’m not even really sure of what is that’s keeping me going anymore.

2021 better be when everything starts to get better. 2020 can’t end soon enough.

Comments ( 10 )

Thanks for the advice, it’s something I will definitely take into account.

May this year burn in history books and may we rejoys in the coming new year. Stay strong and Good luck thanks for the advise!

Ain’t that the truth.

I disagree with the PTSD part. I've been in the army since before I even graduated high school back in 2012, enlisting my junior year, and I've been on 3 combat deployments since. I dont believe that PTS is a disorder myself but I'll admit I got some issues, but I dont think that should keep some nice girl from wanting a relationship with me, or at least try.

I've been in 2 failed relationships myself, first one cheated on me during my first deployment and the second blamed it on me being gone so much but I gave my best for both. I'll agree though that in a romantic relationship both need to give 150%, as well as learn to put up with each others quirks, it's part of life. So on that note I hope someone good for you comes along and your willing to give them a chance. I like to tell people that to reach the gold you first gotta dig through all mud and shit. Good luck man.


If the version of you that we get to know in The Lost Element is anything to go by, the idea of you having no one in your life to love is pretty heartbreaking.

All the more reason to go to Equestria.

The me of The Lost Element is very different of how I am now because the world of Equestria, at least in the show’s prime, is a world I can’t be pessimistic about.

Even in the darkest of times there is light, and where there is light, there is hope. For when something bad ends, something better always comes. Please do not give up hope for a better tommorow, even if it is difficult, a bright future sometimes needs to be earned,but never lose sight that there is always a reason to smile even in the worst of times.


Damn, that sucks. The good news is that a lot of the craziness of 2020 has clear expiration dates so 2021 should definitely be better across the board.

As for avoiding relationships, it's not ideal but the unfortunate truth is that it really is the smart thing to do right now. You may want to look through this youtube channel to get a feel for what's going on and some advice for how to move forwards. I won't pretend it's all sunshine and rainbows over there, but building a better understanding of the reality of the situation should help you move on with your life.

Also, one other generally important thing to remember about relationships is that both people generally need to have their own lives in order first in order for the relationship to be successful.

P.S. I'm curious about your career difficulties. I assume there are major differences between the two of us, but I may still be able to offer useful advice since my career is in good shape.


It definitely is a disorder. My father is a veteran, on the hush-hush kind of mission in the Middle East back around Desert Fox. His jeep hit a landmine, killing all but him, and leaving him folded in half - snapping his spine. The recovery team took the bodies and left him there despite yelling out for them. He had to crawl, with only his hands available, through the desert to his team's villa as its only remaining member.

The PTSD he's suffered since then has severely strained our family, even causing me my own long-term lesser trauma issues. He's finally on the medicine he needs, but the instability and damage the event caused him scarred him mentally and emotionally for life, giving him fits where he becomes hypersensitive to any imagined slight or blows up any small discomfort into a full-on psychosis and imposter syndrome. Growing more frustrated and withdrawn until he snaps as the only indication of what's coming in a day or two. Many of our doors are broken, many walls still have holes punched through them. Or when he threw a gun down in front of my mom's mother and yelled at them to kill him because clearly they were planning on it by speaking with each other in the dining room happily.

Which is a shame because he's normally a happy, fun-loving man, whose family is his highest priority and love, and he wants nothing more in life than to provide for us and laugh with us, so even he hates when this happens as 'he' takes a backseat when it comes on.

Please do not join the ranks of people who don't take PTSD as seriously as it needs to be. After all, we lost an extremely large number of our boys who went to the sandbox since the 2000s only after their return.


Humanity, I disagree with the people who are disagreeing with your advice. As someone who's been through... perhaps far too many relationships, I can tell you that your advice is correct. It may seem heartless, but a relationship is TWO (at least! - more as applicable) people. If one is uncontrollably going to be an issue in the relationship, it is not a relationship worth having. You are there to hold up your partner, your partner there to hold you up. If either fails, the relationship fails, and it's going to be a painful and stressful mess that causes more harm than good as it approaches the crash and burn status.

So my advice to you is don't look for love. When you look for something in people, you're almost always going to find the ones who seem like they're what you want, but come with lethal undercurrents in regards to the proposed relationship. Instead - just keep an eye open. As unlikely as it sounds, you're more likely to meet someone more suited to you through random interaction than you are by being on the prowl, by desperately searching, by always paying attention to the feeling of 'needing a relationship'.

Put it out of your mind and let it come naturally on its own. Worked for me - relationship after relationship with damaged people who latched onto me because I treated them kindly, then once I emotionally empowered them and helped them deal with their issues most of them betrayed me, leaving me for others, or becoming a parasite that wanted to keep me for the way I treated them while sleeping around on me. But now, I've been happily married for eight years, and I met my wife by falling asleep and waking up to her drawing on my face. It just happens on its own, you need to only be aware of the opportunity rather than go looking for it, or fervently wishing for it - that by itself can create an air that drives potential prospects away whether you realize it or not.

I can completely relate. Last year was my major year for relationship and mental health issues. A second relationship ended this year due to issues around Covid restrictions, and some general incompatibilities contributed. I also had plans to get back on my feet after some mental health issues last year led to me quitting my job.
I have to admit I haven't been the best person to be dating for a while myself, so I understand your concerns with dating people with similar vulnerabilities. I've been the other side of that situation as well, and I know how not fun it is.
But just as I've been using lockdown time to bring myself onto an even keel, and maybe be able to meet somebody as good for me as I am for them, I hope you'll be able to relax, look after yourself, and recover from this god-awful year. However you content yourself in living your life is fine, whether you find love again, or not, or anything else.
Here's to 2021. We'll get back to something resembling normal eventually.

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