Starting at the bottom · 5:43am Feb 8th, 2022
I suppose everyone reaches a point in their life where everything seems to peak before consistently and persistently trailing downward in a spiral that never ends. For me, that spiral started in mid 2018 and has never let up. And anyone who has kept up knows what the highlights of that descent has been.
November and December of 2021 was the most miserable holiday season I have ever suffered through in my life. The holidays of Christmas and Thanksgiving at least provided their moments of respite, but every moment between those specific days have been consistently marred with an unrelenting misery for me. It’s gotten to the point where for the past few months, I’ve internalized the habit where I never leave home for work without a full flask of booze on my person to fall back on if things go to hell after my shift ends should my day get shot to hell out of nowhere.
As awful as any year can be, the arrival of the new year always carries with it a beacon of hope. That at the very least, with spring on the horizon, it’s a new year and things can start off strong and leave the crap of the previous year behind.
But my year could not have been off to a worse start if it tried. And me contracting Covid-19 was the least of my issues with the start of this year.
Those who have noticed a stark drop in my productivity for the last four months of 2021 probably know what I have said regarding the condition of my father in summer of 2021. Until nearly the end of the year, I put The Lost Element on hiatus until Volume 3 was prepared for printing. Thanks to the assistance of my patron Me4, I barely reached the deadline in time for Christmas and provided a copy of Volume 3 to my parents along with a bottle of spiced wine and my father’s favorite scotch.
My timing could not have been more apt. Just tonight right after my shift started, my mother sent me a text message detailing my father’s condition.
At this moment, my father is expected to not live to see past the next 30 days.
It is a complicated situation to find yourself in when your father is on his deathbed with something as vile as ALS killing him when you have been on difficult terms with him for the past decade. For as much as an unapologetic arrogant irritable bastard he could be, I would never wish this on him. ALS is an evil disease that robs you of your ability to enjoy life. A disease that should not exist, yet does as if out of spite. And I am left…distraught over recent events.
My father does not have long. And I have no idea what the future holds or how to handle it. Life does not come with a manual. At this point, The Lost Element has become an anchor for me. Something to focus my creative energies on in all this misery. Something to keep me sane. Life sucks, but I can only endure until…lord knows what happens.
Thanks for the shoutout. I just wish it was in happier times. My God, man. At some point you have to wonder whether there can only be so much misfortune before it runs dry and you can pick up the pieces. One can hope.
Man, I am really sorry about the life you are having right now. Not everyone's life will be pleasant. I hope you are going to be OK. Best of luck.
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and the condition your father is in.
As the others have said I wish you well and lots of luck
Ouch. That really sucks.
Unfortunately I'm the wrong person to ask for advice about your father, and I also can't promise that'll be the bottom given all the other problems, but the good news is that these spirals never go on forever and once things do truly bottom out it will get better even if the how isn't immediately obvious. That said, I may be able to give useful advice on some of your other problems if you want to talk about it, presumably in PMs.
Я к сожалению не чем не могу помочь вам. Но желаю всего хорошего
Sorry to hear about the news Humanity and i don't want to sound like the sort of person whos always like 'just believe etc etc', though even if things seem dire, theirs still a sliver of chance it might end up going well, So I do hope that your Father condition improves and that you take care of yourself.
when you can, go see him, talk with him, and enjoy the time that is left. it is the best thing one could do to with what is going on. having not done so with my grandparents is my biggest regret. it will tell him and show him that you still love and care for him even with all the bad he may have done, you still love him. as for the drinking, my father is going though the same thing, and i know its depression over not having them to go talk to nor visit when they need the help, and or the stress of work. we are all here for you to vent to, won't push us away at all.
To a lesser degree I know how you feel. My father has Alzheimer's at 67 and he is declining FAST. He sometimes forgets where he is and mom is in denial about the whole thing. It may hurt, it may hurt a lot, but I would recommend trying to patch things up with your Dad. At least try to come to a point where you both can agree to disagree. Even if he doesn't remember it, it will help YOU because you will know you tried your very best. Believe me, there are few things worse than regret you can never take even try to fix.
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I’ve long since come to terms with the fact my father is never going to own up to his mistakes. He does not have the capacity for that level of humility. He found out I’m afraid of him years ago and knows why I am afraid of him. Instead of trying to make amends, he just rolled with it and accepted it.
I just saw him minutes ago. Already looks like a corpse in a casket. For all the permanently unresolved bad blood between us, I still cried. I’m still here if they need me.
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I won't force you to do it if it's too much, but at least think it over before it's too late. And if there's anything you think needs to be settled, I suggest you write down a list and read some of those things to your dad and hope he has a good life beyond wherever he's going.
Darklords right, whatever bad blood you have, if there's even a shred of a chance to settle it or just say your goodbyes to him I say you should at least be there for him in his final days if nothing else. Let him know regardless of ypur fear you'll still be there when he needs you most, even if he's too stubborn to realize it. I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother because of her having Alzheimers and didn't find out until two months after her death
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That's awful. When I was little, my dad had to take special lessons to learn how to act kinder around me; turns out I was afraid of him because of how angry he could act when something went wrong. I wouldn't call it so much anger issues but I would blame his training as a Police Officer.
If you don't know it there is a wonderful song called "even if". It is a Christian song that I enjoy that speaks very closely with how life can be for many people. It's the message from that song that has kept me going for a long time. I'm not sure if it will effect you but I hope it does. Hope you have better times ahead.
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My grandmother died from alzheimers this past summer. I hope he is having better luck than she did since she died from starvation and dehydration. She refused to eat or drink anything and couldn't form coherent sentences in the last week. For the last three days she was alive she just slept in bed untill she passed in her sleep. I sincerely hope he doesn't get that bad and he passes peacefully like she did. Please have good relations with family and friends. It's the best way to get through something like that.
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No longer finding pleasure in food or drink is something I find incomprehensible.
5637658 Thank you.
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No problem, as a word of advice it will be very crucial that when he does pass you or anyone she is familiar with are there for your mother. We have had to work hard to keep my grandpa happy after his wife passed. Isolation after marriage can kill all on its own.
5638311 That shouldn't he an issue. My sister and her whole family live just down the street and they visit almost every day.
I didn’t know the author of The Lost Element had such a bad life. I thought my life was horrible for the past 4 years, but it seems like Humanity’s life is even worse than mine, which makes me know that I’m not the only one who is alone in this kind of feeling. Although we do share something in common, as you said that the spiral in your life’s downfall began in mid 2018, the same with mine.