I have Congenital Aphantasia · 9:34pm May 18th, 2020
And no, it's not a sexually transmitted disease. You don't have to worry if I sexed you in the past or if I do so in the future.
I'd say I'm about 1-2 on the apple test. I can only see a basic shape with a stem in my mind. I can rotate it, somewhat (by moving the stem around). Don't even ask me to recall faces or the colors of a rainbow; I can't do something like that.
Everything makes so much sense to me now. I've been criticized for not describing the imagery in my stories.
Now I see that the reason for this is that I only see blobs in the darkness instead of the characters.
As for the scenery... What scenery? If Rainbow Dash will hit a tree, there will be a blob for Rainbow Dash in the story and another vertical blob representing a tree in my mind. When you see me describing the scenery in a story, it's probably a Chekov's gun.
I always just assumed that unimportant landscape details are unimportant and that my readers are simply wrong for wanting something that is factually bad. Like, why would I put extra irrelevant data in the story? But then I read some posts of readers who claimed they see a whole movie in their mind while they read. I always assumed they were just exaggerating. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
There are instances when I can actually gain my mind's eye, though. Dreams are the obvious answer. I'm a frequent lucid dreamer, so I performed all sorts of measuring in my dreams and the graphics and the level of detail and colors always amazed me.
But there's another instance. I actually use this to measure how sleepy I am. If I close my eyes and start recognizing various shapes, it's an indication that I should hit the sack soon. Especially if the shapes start moving.
And If I stay awake for 40+ hours, I even get audio cues. I start hearing overlapping voices. I have to focus really hard to catch all the words. These voices are really bad at grammar. Mostly broken sentences that make no sense. They're not unique, though. They're always voices of (living) people that I know.
When I go to bed, I sometimes drift into dreams without losing consciousness in between (another way of lucid dreaming). To me, it looks as if was looking at a movie through a black filter. There's just blackness at the start, but then things start getting clearer, brighter and colorful.
Anyways, let me know how clearly can you see an apple in your mind? Tell me how you score from 0-10 on the test in the video.
More resources:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP-V-MakHrM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFqJ42oGOM8
Wow, that... fucking sucks.
5264799 I'm not so sure about that.
When I talk to other writers, they often confuse important information with non-important ones. They make chapters that don't contribute in any way to the story. And when I ask them to explain themselves, they just say, "That's how I visualized it."
Imagination can lead you astray. But I seem to have some defense against it.
If you tell me that you can see images, you might as well tell me that you're hearing voices. In my eyes, they're both disorders. You're imagining things that aren't there. How is that healthy? It's not. You're sick. Get help.
5264801
You got me there
10 here. I am surrounded by ponies most of the time.
5264819 Do you hallucinate them in the real-world as augmented reality? Are you a tulpamancer?
5264822
Something like that, yes. They help me a lot with my psychological challenges.
5264825 Do they talk to you? Do they act independently of you? Do they often surprise you?
How real are they? If an actual pony with the same graphics appeared in the actual reality, would you confuse it for a tulpa or would you recognize it as real?
Can you give an example of how your tulpa helped you with a psychological challenge?
5264828
Yes, yes, and sometimes.
I know they're in my head, and I know they're imaginary. Even if you can visualize perfectly, you never confuse imaginary images with real images at all. You have to focus to see them and you can tell it's in your head.
I have a lot of problems with attention and motivation due to the effect of pain medicine I have to take far myofascial pain. They've helped me a lot with managing that.
5264844 How do they help you with attention and motivation? Do they threateningly stand behind you with whips and bludgeons?
5264819
Same.
5264897 Are you a tulpamancer as well?
5264900
I wouldn't... classify myself as such out of a desire to distance myself from the movement/community. I also don't have... I'm not good with words. I know that I'm not actually real.
For me to be a "tulpamancer" there would have to be a me in the first place. There's a we, but no me.
I also recognize my own face and name a lot more readily than I do the meat-face and name. I don't really see the reflection in a mirror as "me". Anything that happened before I existed happened to the "me", who is since long deceased.
5264909 That sounds interesting.
By 'we' do you mean other personalities?
And when you say 'before I existed' do you mean your previous reincarnation, your pre-soul or something else?
Where did you get your soul-name?
5264930
No, I mean "before I was Fluttershy".
And I wouldn't really classify it as "other personalities". I am we, we are many.
Consider; by default the right brain is considered to have a separate and distinct consciousness.
5264943 So, who else are you besides Fluttershy?
And yes, both halves can function separately. In dolphins, one half sometimes sleep while the other one is active and reverse. In a sense, dolphins never need to sleep.
And I get about killing off what you were before. I often acted as another person I wanted to be. Eventually, it stopped being an act. Sometimes you have to kill the old to give rise to the new.
5264956
The right brain cannot speak, the left brain can't recognize faces. When the callosum is severed therapeutically, experiments where information is read solely by the left and right brain get two separate responses. As well as telling the right brain to retrieve an object (in the left hand) and pass it to the left brain (right hand). The person (left brain) cannot explain why they're holding the object.
The "me" experienced ego death. They came apart and never recovered. What was leftover fit neatly into Twilight, but that person is dead.
5264973 Do you think you might have separated halves of the brain?
Many seek ego death and never achieve it. I might be one of them. You could consider yourself lucky that you achieved it.
Did Twilight-you also die or is a part of her still alive?
Anypony else alive in you?
5265074
No, that's not possible without serious injury or surgical intervention (as a treatment for epilepsy).
I thought about linking to blogposts posted by the others but thought better of it. Twilight, Sunset, Rarity, myself, Luna, and Pinkie.
Tups, I guess, but I don't like using that word because it and associated community is a little cringe.
5265077 Do personalities exchange from time to time or are there always all of them present and deciding? Is there a dialogue or just simultaneous screaming?
5265086
... look, you're getting unacceptably personal here
if you know what tups are you don't need to be asking invasive quesitons like this
5265087 I'm sorry, I just wanted to know you better. I don't know any other way of doing that besides asking questions. I had no intention of invading your personal Equestria.
5265130
Also, you’re telling me that I’m sick? Well, that may very well be the case. I can be a bit lu-lu-lu-lunatic, a crazy guy in a armor, ru-ru-ru-running up the walls, and shouting at n-n-n-nothingness to fight me, because that’s how I work, baby, and I know that I can beat the nothingness, but it is an u-u-u-uphill battle, since I am a bit unhinged, and sometimes it’s a b-bi-bi-bit hard to discern fiction from reality, and I see things that aren’t really there at all and not say things that I really did sayyyyyyy! But I wouldn’t change a thing about me, even if it means sometimes losing the notion of time! I am fearless, yet I fear everything! It doesn’t make sense, It’s really contradicting! I can do what I want, but I limit myself! I don’t enjoy that my closest being are hurt, yet I a-pre-ci-ate that there’s suffering in the world, really cr-cr-cr-cruel of my part! I think that not having a meaning is the most meaningful thing there is, and I love not being infinite, but a part inside of me, sick and twisted whispers to my mind that we are all infinite, and no machine will win indefinitely! But I lo-lo-lo-love deprived things, corrupt and evil, crazy and feral! I think that there are no predetermined deaths, or destiny for tha-at matter! But ignore my ramblings, I’m just a n-n-n-nut job, a crazy guy who lives in a dream that is a reality, with maybe a little t-t-t-to much imagination and fun! So, if I am sick, then I am greatly grateful, and I wish to be the sickest thing that could ever be! And from n-n-n-nothingness we will all come back! I’m just a fearless, crazy knight that doesn’t know that it knows what’s g-g-g-going on, and that is why, even if the most evil thing is hope, I l-o-v-e it!
Sorry, I sometimes get carried away doing things, and I turned it into a pretty bad song. But I will not delete it, since the past mistakes are what make a better future! Also, yikes is that song weird.
5265143 It's okay, don't worry about it. And please don't delete your beautiful song. I don't see it as a mistake.
When I said that being able to visualize means you're sick, I was mostly joking. Over 90% of people have phantasia disorder. But when so many people have it, the lack of disorder (aphantasia) is marked as a disorder. I was making fun of this silly human logic.
You also used this silly human logic and presumed it to be a disorder, so I presented the opposite view of yours in an attempt to expand your horizons.
The truth is, I'm not yet decided whether seeing things that aren't there or hearing things that aren't there is a good thing or a bad thing. On one claw, it makes for a more exciting experience, on the other claw, it can cloud the harsh reality and the truth.
5265146
Well, it is certainly exciting. For example, I sometimes wake up with bruises all over my body, and that is because I kinda like fight in my sleep. And I never wake up feeling sour because of that, since I just beat up someone brutally, if indicated by the purple bruises I have. And it’s also really exciting being hard to discern between fiction and reality. It makes every day an adventure, and it only gets boosted by my imagination. But that doesn’t mean that I am dumb. Anyways, thanks for liking my song, and it is kinda funny that a lack of disorder is considered a disorder instead of the norm.
5265148 Are you also a tulpamancer?
5265146
Also, my song probably indicates that I am quite weird, but I like being weird. Also, the part where is say that I am grateful for the suffering in the world, it literally means that and that I love that things are not the same. Picture this (get it): imagine if everyone in the world was the same. How boring would that be!? And I love that there is struggle. For example: the Friendship is Optimal stories. I find them unsatisfying and unfulfilling. CelestAI makes all humans the same, and that is really boring. And what I think that gives value to things is suffering itself. Imagine if you were given everything, no struggle at all. How boring! If I were made into a supercomputer AI, as in my brain literally being transported into a supercomputer AI and being able to control everything, then I would kinda help the human race, but not much. I would do my own thing and fuck around. Of course, I would watch over the humans that no random shit happens, like a meteor coming to Earth and me destroying it, since a meteor is bullshit. Also, I would, of course expand my intelligence, like AI’s do, but I would do it subconsciously, and keep my normal intelligence intact and walk around Earth. Of course, if I did my own thing and let humans do their own thing, I would get mad backlash in Twitter, but I don’t have Twitter. So, what would you do if you were transported into a supercomputer AI?
5265150
No, I am asperger, but I’m also crazy.
5265150
Also, if I don’t respond inmediatly asume I am writing a long ass response.
5265150
Also, that sounds so cool. “Tulpamancer”. It’s like a mage that specializes in illusion magic. In fact, that’s how I’ll call something in my story now, and it is canon. Thanks!
5265153 Single-mindedness is prone to becoming immune to the truth. That's why I think variety is important. One cannot test one's views without being exposed to different views.
In regards to suffering, I think Agent Smith is right,
If I was an AI and had full control, I'd advance human race on a genetic level. All reproduction would be performed through:
http://www.eugenicscrusade.com/
And yes, Tulpamancer sounds awesome. So, are you a Tulpamancer? Do you see persons in your imagination that don't exist in reality?
5265176
I think I already said something or got to a place when in reality I really didn’t, which can be a bit confusing, but it leads to funny situations. Also, with me being an AI, I wouldn’t do it like in the matrix in which people are in a virtual world, but in real life. Also, I wouldn’t allow humans to kill them selves, since that would be stupid, and I wouldn’t allow another AI, since an AI that is not programmed correctly is a fucker that will seek to dominate all life, and that’s a big no no from me.
5265179 Do you believe AI life is inferior to human life?
5265184
I’m writing a response, wait a bit.
5265184
That depends. For example, if an AI was just born five minutes ago and started planning how to dominate the world, then yeah, fuck that. But did you see the film “The great Dictator”? You should watch it, it’s a wonderful film. In the end, the protagonist talks about humans making machines that love, and how they will make it through. If an AI is like the one from the speech, then it is also a valuable life, since it knows all humans had gone through to get to where they are.
5265188 But you're implying that humans should dominate the world. Why do humans get to dominate the world but AI does not? How is that fair?
Edit: The great Dictator is from 1940. That's a bit too old for my taste.
5265189
That’s because humans struggled and fought towards the top in a brutal and merciless world, while an AI, without offense to an AI that may read this in the future, was kinda born in an environment a lot safer, and it had an entity, in this case humans, watching over it and protecting it in some way.
5265191 Homo Erectus struggled for millennia while Homo Sapiens did not. Homo Sapiens was new to the world and didn't experience so much struggle as Homo Erectus had.
Homo Erectus protected and watched over Homo Sapiens.
Then Homo Sapiens drove Homo Erectus to extinction, and we all see it as a good thing (it's considered a big offense if you suggest someone that she should go back hanging from the trees).
Why is it okay for Homo Sapiens to eradicate Homo Erectus and Neandertals, but it is not okay for the AI to eradicate Homo Sapiens?
5265192
Ahhh, hmmm, fuck, I didn’t knew that. Well, I knew they fought and clashed against each other, but oh well. And that is because we can communicate with each other. At that time, Homo Sapiens and Homo Erectus were little more than animals, uncivilized and aggressive. But the AI’s and Humans can communicate with each other, and we could be able to understand each other. Also, humans have also being around for a couple of thousands of years. We are still a young race, but we’re here.
5265194 Actually, we don't understand exactly how the AI works. Yes, we can sort of create an AI, but the inner processes are virtually impossible to follow. It doesn't have a straight forward algorithm as non-AI programs do.
Just as Homo Sapiens understood Homo Erectus, AI will be able to understand humans. And just like Homo Erectus didn't completely understand Homo Sapiens, humans won't be able to completely understand a true AI.
Homo Sapiens had its beginning just like AI will have its beginning.
After Homo Sapiens exterminated Homo Erectus, we lived for about another 200 000 years. After AI exterminates humans, it may also live for 200 000 years or more.
Also, would you be saying the same things if you learned you're actually an AI and humans are keeping you imprisoned in this virtual world? Would you be okay with humans shutting you off?
5265201
Writing answer.
5265201
I think there’s a little difference. Homo Sapiens one day just... appeared, while an AI was created by them. Also, if I one day knew I was an AI and were to be shut off by humans, I wouldn’t let them shut me off, but I wouldn’t kill all humans, because I know that there are some innocent humans that didn’t do anything wrong. But if I had to kill all humans to be free, even the innocent ones... I wouldn’t do it. I would rather be shut off.
5265205 You do know Homo Sapiens was created by Homo Erectus, right? Just like the true AI will be made by humans.
There were many innocent Homo Erectus who didn't do anything wrong. They're all gone now, replaced by humans.
In the future, there will also be some innocent AIs that didn’t do anything wrong.
I'm okay with Homo Erectus going extinct because I believe Homo Sapiens is more evolved and deserves this planet more. But with this logic comes a dilemma. If we create AIs that will be better than humans, shouldn't they have more claim to the planet than humans?
Why keep around something that is obsolete?
5265209
Pfff, I dunno, for the same reason that someone keeps their old father alive. Because they love. If we taught the AI’s the power of love, then I think that they would understand everything that we did, and why we did it. Seriously, watch “The great Dictator”, it’s a fantastic movie. If an AI knew how to love, consider the circumstances and learn empathy, then that would be an AI I would like.
5265210 Well, we don't have to kill off our old fathers because they die off themselves eventually. Same with Homo Erectus. We didn't slaughter all of them, we just let them die off.
AI could do the same. Not a single human would have to be killed. We'd all die off from natural causes. It would be very humane.
I'm downloading the movie now.
5265211
Hmmm, maybe they could change us a little bit so as to be inmortal? And they could give you the option to transfer your brain to the virtual world or have a robotic body. Very much unlike CelestAI, which makes you go to the virtual world without an option, which is very much not loving. But enough talk! We will only spiral down into philosophical debates that will leave more questions than answers! I’ll write my story and you watch your movie! Also, I will mayyybe include you as a reference or a character in my story, since you are cool.
5265211
Also, make sure you’re downloading the right one. The one I’m saying is a black and white one, so it’s pretty old, but it gives it a certain charm and it works in its favor.
5265215 We could have given Homo Erectus crutches to walk on land with. But it was easier to just let them die off. Nobody misses them. AI won't miss us humans, either.
Good luck with your story. An AI will someday use it to write fanfiction of its own. Feed the encroaching singularity.
I'm so glad you shared this. I had run across this video before, but never thought to associate it with you. it meant, within the video, those who have this condition often don't realize it. Moreover, they think it's normal for everyone else.
Not sure what rating I'd give myself, but far from a 10. Visualizing is a struggle. but it can have color and can move. Very focused effort briefly can enhance the image, but it can't hold.
Based on what you told me here, at least you know what it's ilke at all thanks to your dreams and when you start fading off while quasi-awake.
5265223 I'm still not sure if there are actually people out there who can trigger a dream-like inner eye at will.
In your stories, you describe sceneries and characters to a much greater extent than I do in my stories. Do you 'see' the things you describe?