Rage Review: Resist and Bite (Prologue) · 8:39am Mar 21st, 2020
Introduction: This, um, unique gem of a fanfic came to my attention in a thread on another site, and has nothing to do with the actual Rage Reviews group. The story itself is available here.
Description:
After the final song of My Little Pony friendship is magic, ...
A curious basis for a chronology, but okay ...
... the creatures of Equestria are now living happily and peacefully along with their new ruler Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Actually, based on the evidence of character aging in the final episode, Princess Twilight's been in charge for some decades by that point. But okay, "new" as compared with the millennial rule of Celestia ...
But all of the exuberance has came to a daunting conclusion when the Chinese People's Liberation Army invaded their land for an undisclosed reason.
Those bastards! First the Wuhan Coronavirus, and now this! Is there no evil too vile for the Chicoms?!!!
And now, all of the creatures in Equestria are either being enslaved or held as prisoners as science projects by the aliens. And the army is being lead by a lieutenant general named Jin An Rong (金安荣) and he has used Twilight's Castle as a prison for the creatures of Equestria.
Converted it into a prison, no less!
But, all hopes were not lost until an eighteen years old teenager named Charlie Lam from an M.I.T campus in Australia endows succour to the creatures of Equestria and help take their land back along with a unicorn mare. He will also get a traumatizing upgrade from Twilight.
Oh no. It's one of those stories. Let's see how Marty Stu, I mean Charlie Lam, does.
Prologue
I'm looking at the Prologue of the story, and -- oh my.
The Chinese PLA doesn't recognize griffons when they see them, instead mistaking them for "eagles." Yeah. Just your slightly-larger-than-average six-limbed, four-legged eagles with the hindquarters of cats! Nothing odd to see here, move that column forward!
Ponies, for their part, don't realize that trucks aren't alive. This despite the fact that in canon Ponies have steam locomotives that pull carriages, and that motor-trucks are in any case modeled upon non-motorized trucks that we've actually seen in use on the Show (mostly in Manehattan).
The Ponies are shocked that the Chinese have ranged firearms. This despite the fact that they would have already used said firearms further south, and the Ponies themselves have ranged firearms (just not personal longarms, nor ones capable of semi-automatic or automatic fire).
Is the whole Equestrian armed forces just a few guys with spears?
In general, why no apparent Pony or Chinese reconaissance? No Pegasus scouts? No recon choppers or drones?
The Chinese blow down the main gates of the castle with a hand grenade. Not a "demo charge." A hand grenade.
Lest one imagine that the gates were merely blown ajar or open (ludicrously improbable with a hand grenade), they are explicitly described as having been "obliterated."
European castles had massively strong main gates, for the obvious reasons. I'm guessing Equestrian ones are made of papier-mache and fond hopes?
At this point, it occurs to General Jin to talk to the Equestrians. Who apparently speak English. Not Mandarin or Cantonese. English.
The Equestrian Guards then try to fight, but General Jin kicks the leader of the detachment in the face, putting him down with a "bleeding muzzle." The other Guards are "traumatized" (rather than "shaken") at seeing this (apparently, a race of sapient ungulates never considered the possibilities of kicking in combat, despite the fact that the Show has more than once depicted them doing exactly that).
Nevertheless they charge to the attack.
Jin then beats several Guards up with his fancy foot action. I'd complain more about this except that General Jin is obviously a major villain and the Guards are just Mooks, albiet Good Guy Mooks, so ... meh.
He apparently beats them up unarmed rather than shooting them because he wants to impress them. Or someone.
Jin then threatens to break one of the captive Guard's hooves unless he tells him where the Princess is. A little pain convinces the Guard. Then Jin breaks his hoof anyway because otherwise he might lose his membership in the Despicable Villains' Union, or something.
(I have issues with the terminology "break" applied to a hoof, but I'll let it pass for now).
Inside Twilight Sparkle's throne room, Luster Dawn was crying endlessly in front of her mentor Princess Twilight Sparkle. And she and her friends tried their best to cheer her up.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Oh, for the love of all that's holy, can you just stop blubbering!
(I wish she'd say that, though it would be out of character).
Everypony in the room turned around and saw a very unique bipedal being they have never seen before. It was wearing a green suit, it has dark armor on it's chest level, a dark helmet was strapped onto it's head, it's has a mask covering it mouth and it also had metal pads strapped onto him.
Why the facemask (we've seen no use of chemical weapons by either side yet), and why above all the intense focus on metal pads?
Spike was the first to react when he saw the unknown invader. He walked up to him with a spear aimed directly at it's face, but the invader showed no signs of anxiety.
SPIKE (thinking): I'll avoid using any of my formidable natural weapons, and instead menace the invader with a spear! Yeah, that'll work!
And the view got him very disorientate as well because how does the invader have a picture of him? And where was it from? Has it been spying on him and his friends without them knowing?
SPIKE (thinking): Woah! I don't remember consenting to have my picture taken! How could they even do that? I mean invading Equestria and blowing Ponies' heads off is bad enough, but spying on me? How dastardly!
Here Spike-In-Name-Only, I'll explain it. There's a traitor, or a spy sneaked in ahead of the main invasion, or some sort of interdimensional viewing device, or some more mundane magical or technological device involved. Clear now?
Oh, and murderous invaders don't always ask for consent, if that is really what's bothering you. That's part and parcel of "murderous invasion."
Spike wasn't able to finish his sentence when the invader elbow striked him in the face. And Spike was sent crashing onto the floor roughly with a bruised face, and one of his teeth fell out as well from the metal pad. And everypony in the room were shocked at the invader's exertion.
General Jin exercised his elbows until they became like unto things of IRON!!!
Did you know that General Jin can elbow-strike his way through the frontal armor of an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank? It's true!
I said this already, but this shouldn't be possible against even Baby Dragon Spike, let alone Big Buff Heroically-Built Spike. He has armored scales and presumably the requisite tough tissues underneath required to make the armor useful.
Rainbow Dash then sent the invader a petrifying glare.
Too bad it's Fluttershy who actually has the ... well, you know. I guess Dashie just forgot to read her character sheet again.
Dashie flies at Jin who uses his Wu Xia Magic Judo (tm) to grab her and throw her to the ground. As we've discussed before, this shouldn't be possible, given the incident with Dashie and the Red Dragon from "Dragonshy." Eh, maybe she's slowing in her old(er) age?
Rarity and Pinkie Pie were infuriated when they saw the invader injuring their friend.
RARITY: Ooh, you can slap Spike around all day, and I don't give a figI! It's not like I ever liked him at all, even in the past! But hurt Rainbow Dash? It.
PINKIE PIE: Yeah, Spike's kind of a drip, but Rainbow Dash is awesome! You're a big meanie!
APPLEJACK (thinks): Hmm, should I be riled that the invader just trounced my true love? Naw, I'll just mosey along slowly into combat ...
Author, how can you miss so much about established character relationships in one short description?
The white pony was the first to reach the invader. She jumped up and attempted to kick it in the face. When Jin noticed the attack, he responded with a punch to the female unicorn's chest, and the force of his punch made the female unicorn grunt and crashing into her pink friend knocking them out cold in the process.
Several quick points:
1. This is a run-on paragraph. First subject is Rarity, then after the second sentence a new paragraph logically begins with subject Jin.
2. The final sentence is a run-on sentence. It should be two sentences, one ending with "chest" and the second being reformatted as "The force of his punch made the female unicorn grunt and go flying back into her friend, knocking both of them out cold."
3. The choreography makes no sense. Pinkie Pie is fleeter of foot than Rarity. It's not obvious why the two are lined up conveniently to allow that two-for-one punch. Rarity is a martial artist. Pinkie Pie is a combat precognitive. Pinkie Pie is physically more resilient than Rarity. Oh, and how would Jin take a while to "notice" Rarity attacking him, when she's attacking him from the front?
When Applejack and Fluttershy noticed that they were the only ones left ...
Um, no they are not "the only ones left." What about Twilight Sparkle and Luster Dawn? Did AJ and Fluttershy forget they existed?
They got into stances and charged themselves directly towards the invader. And when Jin noticed their temerarious attempt, he jumped up and delivered two back kicks at their faces which sent them flying. Fluttershy was sent crashing into the wall, and Applejack was sent flying out of the window.
FLUTTERSHY (thinks): I guess I'm going to have to attack head-on now. Oh, if only somepony was here who had some sort of mind control powers! But nopony like that exists!
APPLEJACK (thinks):I wish there was somepony here who was good in a hoof-to-hoof brawl. But I don't know anypony like that!
Also, you don't "get into stances" and then charge. A "stance" is the posiure from which one executes an attack of defense. I wish there was someone here who understood how both posing and martial arts worked, but she got knocked out in a poorly-choreographed description of a fight.
Twilight looked at her fallen friends with a disquiet expression and saw that Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were rolling on the floor with so much soreness on their bodies and Lil Cheese was checking on her mother, and she doesn't knows what was happening to Applejcak since she got flung out of the window.
If they're "rolling on the floor" they are not unconscious.
When did Lil' Cheese enter this scene? And when did Luster Dawn leave it?
If we assume that the Laws of Gravity are still working, Applejack probably wound up somewhere beneath the window.
Once Jin closed his distance between himself and Princess Twilight Sparkle, he jumped up in the air and delivered an excruciating back kick to her chest. And the force of his kick sent Twilight sliding on the floor roughly with a bruised chest.
TWILIGHT (thinking): If only I was able to fly or project a magic shield or had the toughness of a large Earth Pony. But only some sort of Alicorn would have those attributes!
Jin smiled in satisfaction after that attack.
... he remembered all the fun, fun times he had back on the family farm, beating up horses ...
Then, he slowly approached the fragile Princess.
JIN (thinking): I'll have to glue some of those pieces back on her. She's so fragile!
"Ó, duìle, nín hé nín nàxiē cuìruò ér fāfēng de shēngwù bù huì shuō huò tīng bù dǒng zhōngwén. Zài zhèlǐ, ràng wǒ wèi nín fānyì yīngyǔ. (Oh right, you and your fragile and cretinous creatures of yours don't speak or understand Chinese. Here, let me translate in English for you.)" He told her.
JIN: "Moo goo gai pan Khitai walla walla bim bam, a Elbereth Gilthoniel!" (If you knew Chinese you'd be tougher and smarter, like me!"
The invader said in a deep voice which sent chills down to Twilight's spine.
TWILIGHT (thinks): It's bad enough that you just Curb Stomp Battled me and my friends, but what really scares me is your deep voice!
"I have successfully occupied our priority target Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Wow, this fic got really rapey all of a sudden!
And contact the swat team and police force on the way as well because we need their assistance to watch them while in prison and working.
A "SWAT" (Special Weapons and Tactics) team is part of a "police force." The police force of a military unit is called "Military Police." I'm not sure why ordinary soldiers couldn't be trusted to simply guard prisoners, though.
We'll be there shortly lieutenant general. Along with some ponies, yaks, those weird dragon things, bugs and many more.
"Those weird dragon things" ...?
Yeah, it's not as if Chinese people have any concept of dragons!
After that, lieutenant General Jin An Rong tucked his walkie talkie back into his belt and sent Princess Twilight Sparkle a hazardous glare.
Twilight Sparkle quickly pulled a lead shield up between them to protect herself from his hazardous glare!
And some members of the Chinese swat and police force have cuffed the ponies, dragons, yaks, bugs, eagles with bodies of a lion and lion tails.
Again, why are griffons so difficult for the Chinese to grasp? Especially since some of the Chinese, and most Griffons, can speak Equestrian?
Jin An Rong stepped on the tiny stairs near the throne chair and looked at the creatures of Equestria. He then gave them his speech in English.
Tiny stairs? No, we know from earlier in this chapter that General Jin stands about as tall as Twilight Sparkle and Spike the Dragon, so the stairs are about normal-sized for Humans (though big by Equestrian Pony standards).
"Alright! Listen up all you fragile creatures!"
"Yaks not fragile!"
Someone had to say it.
Dragons are even less fragile. Though apparently Metal Pads can knock one out with his Magic Wu Xia Elbows (tm).
"All of you are now our prisoners. And the reason for that is because all of you have provoked damages to our capital, nearly destroying it and taking away many innocent lives as well as many casualties! So now, all of you will be enslaved in your own capital and will build a city here!" Jin An Rong yelled.
Um ... what?
A nameless "yellow mare" points out that they didn't do anything like that, and General Metal Pads has her shot dead on the spot.
Alright men! All of you will bring the creatures outside and get some of them to work on building giant walls and buildings!
What, just random "giant walls and buildings" in random locations? Seriously?
General Metal Pads makes freaking Mao Tse-Tung look like a planning genius by comparison!
After that, they began to drag the cuffed up creatures of Equestria including Twilight, Luster Dawn, Twilight's friends, the grown up CMC'S and Young six outside of the castle.
Okay.
Luster Dawn has blinked back into existence. Somehow the CMC and Young Six are now here too, even though none of them were before. Maybe they were elsewhere?
Has Author stopped to think that the kind of "cuffs" Humans make wouldn't hold a Dragon (who could bite or burn through them) or Changeling (who could shift into a form that could slip out of them)?
General Jin then asks his men:
Do you guys think that you can renovate this palace as a prison?
Actually, that's the easy conversion. Renovating a prison into a palace, now, that would be hard!
Jing An Rong then turned around and faced Princess Twilight Sparkle's throne. He scrutinized it for a moment then came up with a great plan. He pulled out his pistol and aimed it at it. He then fired four shots at it.
*BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!*
The whole throne shattered into pieces when the hard bullets collided with it which made Jin smile again.
This is a throne sturdy enough for a horse-sized Pony to sit on for long periods of time. Author, do you really think that four shots from a handgun would "shatter" it? For that matter, bullets are designed to put holes through things, not blow them to bits.
And why is Jin so amused at the fact that he can destroy precious works of art? Are the Chinese all insane barbarians in this storyverse?
Wow. Just wow. Dare I read more of this?
"This despite the fact that they would have already used said firearms further south, and the Ponies themselves have ranged firearms (just not personal longarms, nor ones capable of semi-automatic or automatic fire)."
In what episodes/issue did they show fire arms in the show or comic again?
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Cannons.
But I meant that the Chinese would have used them in their initial clashes with Equestrians. I might want to change that, because Story seems confused as to whether it's starting in Ponyville or Canterlot.
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... and I'm reading Chapter 3, and now the castle in question is the one at Ponyville. I have a feeling Author revised the location at least once.
I'm glad to see you back, and thank you for this fantastic review!
Given how unusual and superhuman General Jin is, I'm thinking he's actually called General Djinn. After all, the tale of Aladdin is set in (a version of) China.
And I'd say Princess Twilight and Luster Dawn actually did vanish from the scene by teleporting... except that why would they then teleport back just as unprepared? Does General Djinn have an anti-teleport screen that delays and reflects the teleport?
I would actually put it closer to 10 years than twenty, mostly because Pinkie's daughter is still so very young (as indeed are Big Mac's children) and for the most obvious signs of ageing, in Twilight and Spike, we have no way of judging how long it would take them to get that way (meanwhile Rarity has grey in her mane, but grey hair can start at a very young age, even assuming she didn't die it that way to make herself look distinguished).
What pit of blackest night did this story climb out of?
Good review, might read more later. My brain hurts a bit now though from the prologue.
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Oh ... it gets worse.
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You have a point.
It's very possible that Pinkie Pie, given her precognition, knew all along that she would be needed for frequent missions during the period between Friendship Is Magic and The End of the End, and in consequence deliberately avoided falling in love and getting married, since even a non-precognitive would be able to predict that a consequence of this might be pregnancy. It's also possible that Pinkie fell in love with Cheese Sandwich anyway, way back in Season 4 when she met him, and that she also knew that he'd wait for her.
So in that case, right after "The End of the End," Pinkie probably stotted off right into Cheese Sandwich, got married, and at some point an explosion of impossible party-pony sex ensued (see "Her Special Gift" for the Shadow Wars Story Verse version of the debris left right after Pinkie and Cheese's wedding night). And, in due time, foals.
If Lil Cheese is, say, 10 years old, and he was conceived right after The End of the End, then "The Last Problem" takes place 11 years afterward. (Personally, I like Sketch's concept that Pinkie and Cheese have a lot of foals: they strike me as a passionate, loving couple who also love children. Especially Pinkie, and it's usually the female who most controls fertility).
My main reason for thinking it's more like 20 years is that if the Show started with the main characters in their late teens / early twenties, and the time period from Friendsip Is Magic to The End of the End is about 5 years, then the characters are in their mid to late twenties by the end of the show.
But by "The Last Problem," the Mane Six have all visibly aged. With the absence of the immortal Twilight Sparkle and the very long-lived Spike the Dragon, the Mane Six all have visible signs of age -- facial wrinkles and greying hair. If Ponies age like Humans, they are at least in their mid-forties by now.
The Young Six are now all full adults, with the exception of the long-lived Smoulder who is late-adolescent like Spike is now. At least two of them (Yona and Sandbar) act married to each other.
So that's why I'm thinking a 20-30 year gap.
I've been plowing through this story out of purely morbid curiosity.
It's good to know I'm not suffering alone.