I Wrote That?! #1: Tales Of A Pessimist Pony - Chapter One · 3:40am Oct 7th, 2019
I'm bored enough to look back at how I wrote at 19 and see how edgy/much of a horrible writer I was. The way I see it, if I can laugh at myself and critique my past work, then maybe I won't make the same mistakes again. Either way, feel free to skip this blog if you don't care, or come on in to laugh at my expense! I won't cover the whole story. Just some particularly bad/dumb/predictable/maybe good lines of mine.
And we start with... Tales Of A Pessimist Pony. My first attempt at fanfiction.
Let me preface by saying that this was inspired by this story. Good read and a fantastic self-insert [if you like self-insert stories]. Without that story, I probably wouldn't have written anything. So thank you and I'm sorry for ripping you off outright. But hey, lesson learned.
Let's begin...
I reach over to grab my glasses, but for some reason can't reach to where my nightstand is. Funny, last I checked, it was still right next to the damn bed. Ah, I don't need them. I was just going to take some Excedrin and maybe grab something cold to put on my head and neck.
My body feels worse for the wear. I find crawling is the only comfortable way to get around. Why am I in so much pain? I asked myself. What could I possibly have done last night? I don't do much, maybe some basketball here and there, but nothing too major. I'm not a person to take huge risks like skydiving or cliff jumping, so some massive pain throughout my whole body threw me off. But the sooner I get some medicine in me, the better. Slowly, I inch my way over to my bedroom door, and prepare myself for the blinding of the century, as the huge window to my right brings in a lot of sunlight.
Okay, I get that I need to stay confused enough to learn that I'm a pony rather than go "wHaT?! i'M a PoNy LoL cRaZy" but this writing just sounds desperate. Nice try. This wasn't good enough.
Still a bit weak from that strange occurrence with the sun, I stood up to get a look at my surroundings, but only for a good ten seconds, because I was stopped by excruciating pain in my legs. Writhing in pain, I attempted to cradle my leg, but couldn't for some reason. I couldn't reach it. Were my arms worse for the wear? Everything seems to be working against me. I thought. My head, my arms, my conscious, and now to think of it: literally everything. It certainly got my mind off my headache. And this barn. And everything else for that matter. God, this really hurts…
"What the hell's going on?" I ask myself. "Why is this happening?" Two questions that I can't answer.
Ooh, he's tough. He's not soft like those other ponies. He can curse. Bro, you can't have your edgy personality and be an OC in a children's show. That spells disaster. Also, I believe that I plagiarized casually borrowed this line from that story. Sorry.
"I've got to figure out where I am," I say to myself. Easier said than done. It seems to be all forest around this abandoned shed. That's why no one has touched this place. I thought. It's in the middle of a damn forest. Why was a barn ever here? Who would have lived here? I do a full circle and it's all trees. Peering into the trees and hearing various noises, I make a realization.
"This place looks dangerous," I say quietly, "I'd better stay here until I can…"
Right on cue, the barn collapses.
Plot convenience! Wow, doesn't this guy have some bad luck? Sympathize with him, please. He's just lost and... oh, forget it, I can't even pretend to care about my OWN character. Also, I made this guy red! Almost unsalvageable until I said he had dark brown hair. You were this close to the edgiest OC. Don't make characters red and black. Or my alternate, white and blue. Or any color. These are hard to do well.
Here we go. One step in and it is immediately darker. There are plants of many colors and small animals that scurry away from my foot, er-hoofsteps. The flowers and weeds grow tall in this jungle. Eventually, I pause and stumble upon these beautiful flowers.
Gee, I wonder where we are...
"Wow, these ones are… interesting," I tell myself, "but why do I recognize these?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bird fly right above the flowers and then land on a branch. I admire the sight of other life. It opens its beak, about to sing a song of its own, showing the other birds its music prowess, but instead clucks like a chicken. Well, that was quite an experience. I mean, where else could you see and hear that phenomenon? So why did it cluck like a chicken? Maybe I was hearing things. Or maybe it was those flowers. But how could flowers do that? Certain plants can make you suffer allergic reactions, but nothing like that. Why do those look familiar though?
Come on! Why do I have this innate feeling like I know what these are? I shouldn't have any idea of the ecosystem in here! Is this some kind of joke?!
…
Wait a minute, I remember now. That episode where they unknowingly ran into that patch of it. Poison… joke, I think is what it's called. So, in a way, it was a form of a joke.
All right, that's enough. "If that was Poison Joke, then this must be… the Everfree…" I said, putting two and two together. But now something else hits me: I know some of this world. But I did not know exactly where I was in here, nor could I accurately describe it. Well, damp is one way I can put it, everywhere I walk greeted by a squishy sound, as mud gathered onto my hooves. I tried to shake some of it off as I walked through this surprisingly dark forest.
And here we have cardinal sin #1, ladies and gentlemen. Waking up in the Everfree Forest. Why is this bad? Because:
- It's edgy
- It's predictable
- It's a great excuse to 'lose memory' or 'suddenly wake up in without knowing who or what you are'
- It's edgy... wait.
- Dark, spooky forest that is conveniently close to a main character.
I hear snarling coming from behind a bunch of trees. A timberwolf? More than one, most likely. The beginning of "Piece by Piece" echoes through my mind as I now acknowledge what may be my short time here. How embarrassing. I get killed five minutes into this fantasy. Here they come. Three of them, it turns out, charging right at me. Run, damn it, run!
I hate myself. That Slayer reference is so edgy it puts razor blades to shame.
I got a good ten feet, but they end up covering much more ground than I do, not surprising though. Also, I am not quite used to running on four legs. The leader hits me with a lot of power. (THUD) Ouch. Right into a tree trunk, then into a pit of mud, and I scream in pain, face down in the mud, as my back took the full force of the blow. I get up, and try running again; this time with a bad back. Not a chance though, as one bites my back-right leg, his large teeth sinking a low blow near my hoof, rendering my ability to run completely useless. Agonizing pain then stops me in my tracks and I fall on the rough forest floor, screaming in pain.
I can't even walk, let alone get up and escape. Only one option left: If I play dead, they might… I started to think, but recognized the chances of survival, oh, who am I kidding? These things don't kill for sport, they kill for food. I'm as good as dead.
One more painful throw. I sensed it coming as one picked me up by their sharp teeth and cocked their head back.
(WHACK) This time into a stone. This one hurt so much more. I try to scream, but this time it just knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't. As I lay in the dirt, eyes closed in pain, unable to move and breathe normally, I hear the growling get louder and louder. Now, I feel the slobber of the middle wolf, ready to finish me off and begin his light snack. Defenseless. That's all I feel right now. I'm dog food. Closer and closer and closer they get, ensuring me that I will truly die. Their breathing is intense.
Just eat me already! What the hell are they tenderizing me for? I suppose, detail-wise, this was decent, but still, completely out of character. Man, I couldn't even get speechless characters correct. How the hell did I not get downvoted into oblivion with this?
Then, it instantly stopped. My eyes opened at times, now with blurry vision again, and I could tell they looked back, stopped growling, and instead began whimpering. These menacing creatures are now cowering in fear. Something is scaring the hell out of these wolves, and I can't see it, but am not optimistic. Great, something bigger, I thought.
They start sprinting out of there; the scampering of the wolves grow more and more distant. Well, whatever frightened those things off, I sure as hell don't want to mess with it. Hopefully, whatever it is won't eat me. The wolves were gone. Well, now I just sit here and die, I thought as I let my mind slip in and out of consciousness, during which I see flash images.
One shadowed figure… coming towards me. The stone… is getting…. further away. Am I… moving? The sky is… becoming visible. The… moon. Night. Something… was dragging me... Probably to my early grave…
Who on earth could THAT be? Who lives near the Everfree, has an innate ability that can practically control animals, and cares too damn much about everyone.
Beats me.
I can't even write this anymore because I swapped favorites again. Sorry, Fluttershy fans. It was a good 2 years but I've jumped on board the Applejack train. Right at the end, too!
Wow, one chapter in and I could barely get through it. See you on the next one!
If you'd like to roast me or my writing, please do. I love a good roast. Fuck me up!
Well, there are worser fates than downvotes. And the fact that there are much edgier fics out there.
Also, (no hard feelings; you literally asked for this) I gotta roast you real quick.
Why the heck am I a much more successful author at age 18 than you started out as at 19? You freaking My Little Dashie-lookin' Chuck E. Cheese lookin' high-as-heck big-eared brat. Why do you have to put sound effects in parentheses? Why does your OC look like a Where The Wild Things Are color scheme? Get the heck off my screen, you ugly little rat-face E-thot! Why do you include obvious nods to the audience? You're bad at building up the suspense because the situation he's in calls for the most cliched Deus-Ex-Machina in MLP fanfiction. We already know what'll happen in that kind of environment. Why does every author have the same idea to have their character wake up in the Everfree even if they haven't read a single word of fanfiction? Why do you have to hop on the Applejack train, of all ponies? Fluttershy is Best Pony, and You Are Going to LOVE HER! IMMA REALLY TAKE MY BELT OFF AND BEAT YO BOOTY MYSELF!
...Where's your booty at? Lookin' like a plank of wood...
Also, okay, there's some dark evil threatening Equestria, and instead of the universe sending someone worthy to Equestria like the National Guard, the Pope, or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the universe has to send a DEPRESSED, HORNY TEENAGER! This is some Donald Trump levels of incompetence.
This is like saying I'm not bad for smoking weed! I just smoke Crystal Meth. I'm salvageable.
Also, why does every OC act so tough at first but easily gets downed by timber wolves? Timber wolves are like the lowest kind of monster you can slay in an RPG to level up.
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I genuinely mean it when I say this:
Thank you so much for existing and being amazing. You are truly one of a kind.
Thanks for the roast too! I miss things when I critique myself. I want to stay humble even if it's on a fanfiction website.
Also, sorry for switching favorites. Again.
Also, every OC story has to focus on the OC instead of his casual presence being there. The Mane Six are pushed out of the light and all attention is on this emo kid we don't care about and never heard of before. Get the heck off my planet!
Also, are we going to ignore the fact that, like the push of a button, A TEENAGER GETS SUCKED ACROSS DIMENSIONS TO A POP CULTURE WORLD? That's gotta be painful!
And then the OC pulls out some Magic Mike moves on the mares and woos them all to his harem! Fake-as-heck Wayne Brady-lookin'... But I can't even go there! Wayne Brady is crispy as heck!
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No, thank you! I mean, I came here for two things: plaguing existence, and making people laugh. And I'm all out of existence to plague...!
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You are succeeding wildly at making people laugh, my friend. Never stop being great!
Also, yeah, that story was bad. And to get back on topic, if it had been downvoted to the extreme when it started out, I probably would have been discouraged from visiting the site. But people are nice.
Nowadays, I don't care. It's just a button to me now. Stories are stories, not symbols of power or dominance over others. You taught me that lol.