Harmony is... · 10:17am Apr 24th, 2019
Harmony is 5AM inspiration and me SCREAMING at the side of poor Krickis' sleeping head like some kind of nerd instead of sleeping.
Harmony is feeling bad, unwanted, excluding and... support flowing out. People I've never spoken to, people I want to speak to more, people I wish I could be friends with!
I wish I wasn't the way that I was. I'm snarky, often acidic and acerbic. I'm highly opinionated.
None of these are things that exactly endear me to other people. But my secret is... a fear of being rejected.
My usernames / character images are not at random, they're all ponies I rather identify with.
Like Rarity, I strive to be generous with my time and whatever little I have. I am frequently inspired to create. But I also have this nagging fear, this overwhelming anxiety that whatever "masterpiece" I create will not be met well. That people won't understand it, or that it will get that painful red button applied in great measure. That when I put myself out there on display, show people a true piece of myself, something that I have bled and sweat and cried over that it will be met with a resounding "meh" or even worse, criticism.
Like Sunset I strive to leave behind the angry filly I grew up as with every step. Like Sunset I don't have much in life- and frequently feel alone or lonely. Unwanted. Like I'm not actually part of the group, and not wanting to put myself out there for fear of rejection.
Like Pinkie Pie, I see a great deal of humor in the world around me, and I try to measure up to the ideal of spreading joy. It hurts when... I cannot do so. When that bitter, rejected, acidic side of myself rises and I stare in absolute horror in the mirror as whatever violence bubbles forth from my mouth like toxic gas from a swamp. Like Pinkie... I fear that when the joke drops I will be the only one laughing. Or that I will not be, and I'm only kept around for a good laugh.
Like Starlight... really see the same as Sunset. Plus general social awkwardness and fixations on things that nobody really cares about, and the proclivity to go off on long opinionated tangents about things... I fear that people who do accept me into the circle only do so out of social obligation, and I forever feel like I am on the outside of that circle. Or that I'm inside but not a-part-of.
In my offline life, I am most like Fluttershy. I am taciturn, I am quiet. I am skittish. I revel in speaking to new people, or being around people, for brief bursts when I am emulating the Pink... and then I am exhausted from the exertion of pretending to be an extrovert to the point where I snap at my girlfriend and just want everypony and everything in the entire world to just STOP for a second and let me catch my breath but-- the world turns anyway and I'm kept from retreating into my head where it is nice and safe and cozy.
Like Twilight I... never had friends growing up. I had everything bright, shiny, new or exciting suddenly taken away from me, like I was punished for having anything good. Once upon a time there was a filly who loved the world of books more than anything else because it was an escape from parents who fought or Mommy Dearest who locked her little filly in the closet when she was tired of her... whose first and for a long time only friend was a pegasus toy stolen from her sister and a drawing of a pegasus who was everything the filly was not-- who had wings that could take her and the filly higher than high and faster than fast away from the reality of abuse and neglect and into a magical world of her own creation, where she was simply enough.
Surprise was the first voice I heard in my head. She sounded rather like me actually, but had a drawl as thick as delta valley mud. My Daddy was the only person in the whole world who wanted to hear about her. Who wanted to talk to her. Who treated her as if she were real and... when I came in splattered with mud he would... ask me what me and Surprise had been up to that day. I would be silent, but that drawl would come out of my mouth and Surprise would tell my Daddy all about the adventures she'd taken the filly on.
And then suddenly it didn't matter. Telling a teacher at school that I'd been playing in brambles to explain away a cut on my face left by a shot glass exploding next to my head. Being the weird kid nobody talked to. In his arms, I was safe with Surprise.
Those moments of pure peace are what I think of when I think of my father. Not... visiting the hospital to claim his corpse. Not lowering him into the ground and saying goodbye for the last time. Not realizing on my sixteenth birthday that he wouldn't be calling to say Happy Birthday. Not calling his number to hear his voice on the answering machine and getting the dreaded this number has been disconnected.
I will forever be five years old, a tired but happy filly in the arms of my dad. That... angry, nasty, hateful mare... that's not me. That is someone even I am terrified of. I'm just a crazy girl who can't even be a girl without some snots accusing me of "using my gender identity as a shield".
Look at you, Rarity. Off-tangent and crying. A thousand words that few to none will ever even read. C'est la vie, darling. I suppose 6AM is the time in which we pour ourselves out into strangers, hoping that at least one person will take a sip?
To Morning Sun, whom I have known forever. I am truly, honestly, from the bottom of my soul, sorry for the way I have acted towards you in the past. For the way that I act and the hateful things I say when anger rears its ugly head. You have always been right, and I should have always taken a step back and a deep breath. I miss when we were friends, and I hate that you now cannot stand to be near me, even in cyberspace. Truly, you are the reason why I do not go to events- I simply could not stand to physically be next to you and relive all the things I have done and said to you over the years. It would kill me.
To FOME. Every notification I receive from you elicits a brief frission of pure joy. I wish we could be better friends, and I am deeply sorry for (I feel like) the way that I clamor for your attention. I'm sorry that I raised such a fuss over Villain Exchange Program.
To Wanderer D. I'm sorry for being such a snot. I'm sorry that the way I behave scares off other people. I want to be better friends with you but-- I feel like there's too much bad blood surrounding it all for that to ever happen. Who wants to be friends with That Girl.
To Heartshine. I am not a smart girl. I do not know what love is. But I think I once felt it for you-- which is understandable just being the way you are. I'm sorry for being me in all my meness. When I look at how I personally broke our friendship and made you dislike me, I honestly... really hate myself.
To Rarity-EQM. I'm sorry that I offered something I wasn't prepared to give. I'm sorry that I was shallow, and I hurt you. It makes me happy when I read about you doing well without me in your life.
To Krickis, my best friend. I wish I got along with your friends so we could talk more. Being a part of your server made me happy, and I'm sorry that I broke it.
There are many, many, many others. I could stretch this out to the full length of The Untrotted Path if I wanted to. But I won't, and I'll sum up with a blanket statement. I have gone through many things in my life. I have done many things in my life, many of which I am not proud of. Being overly proud, or arrogant, or mean-spirited, or hateful is at the top of the list. I'm sorry that I allowed my emotional baggage or whatever I was going through at the time (in the course of my run here, that has been drug and alcohol addiction, kicking that, nearly annual unemployment and stints of homelessness.) affect the way that I interacted with you. That was unfair, and cruel.
To my dad... I'm sorry that I haven't visited you. I'm sorry that I haven't grown up into a mare you could honestly be proud of-- even though you'd be proud of me anyway. We always quoted the one soliloquy from Rocky; "It's not how hard you hit, it's how hard you can get hit and keep getting up." I'm sorry that there have been times that I've been hit and I have wanted not to get back up.
To Posey. I wish I had seen it. I wish I had been there.
To Flea Candy. I'm sorry. I disappeared when we were grieving Posey and... I wish I'd been there for you. I should have been a better friend to both of you.
If you've made it this far, you deserve a treat my darlings. The actual intended reason behind this post, before I went off on a long tangent and probably said some frightening things.
Sunset’s smile faltered, but spread anew. “It’s a letter, to the most important part of my life, before CHS and meeting you girls.”
Fluttershy smiled, softly as she did everything. Not as widely as Pinkie, or with Dash’s brazen cockiness, just the corners of her mouth raising.
“Tell me about it. Everything.”Sunset took Fluttershy’s hands in her own, and took a deep breath.
“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria… There was a pony who shone as brightly and as radiantly as the Sun itself, and the filly who idolized her…”
Inspired Rarity#2082, signing off.
No need to feel bad about your interactions with me. And I'll definitely need to look into Pursuing Happiness.
5048874
There is never a need to apologize for being who one is, darling. Even if that someone is an attention-grubbing whore.
Nevertheless, I wanted to. It feels good to get all that out.
Who says I’m asleep
One of these days I’m gonna find us a new server to crash. I’ve joined like two with the intent on vetting them to see if they’re good environments for you, but found each of them lacking for some reason or other.
But on the subject of apologies, and while you’ll probably tell me not to be sorry for it, I am sorry that I’m just shit at one on one conversations and haven’t been the best at replying to you all the time. I certainly hope you don’t think it’s anything personal, because it’s 100% just me being oddly bad at talking unless it’s under the oddly specific situation of text-only group chats...
I stress about carrying conversations so much that I don’t do it well even though I actually could if I didn’t fuckin stress myself out over it (as I do it alright when there’s a group so I don’t feel the pressure). This isn’t to make excuses for not being there for you enough, I just want to be clear with why I’m a flakey ho so you don’t go thinking it’s because of you or something. I love you, ya nerd, and I hope things can look up for you someday.
If I’d’ve been hit as hard as you I wouldn’t’ve gotten back up, period. The fact that you’re still going is a feat in and of itself, and I hope someday you can see that and be proud of yourself.
5048877
i'm not crying you're crying
you heckin nerd
Friendship is never impossible. We can talk whenever you catch me around, I'm not going to ignore you and hey, everyone is different. I understand not everyone has to like everyone for me to like them. It's cool. Let's talk again sometime.
5049085
Still don't know who you are.
5049228
Wish you'd stop dropping strange comments like I'm supposed ta know you