Writing Advice: Character Voice in Dialogue and Narrative · 4:55pm Jan 5th, 2019

It's been a while since I've written one of these, but I've been hanging around in FimFiction's Discord's Writing Help chats, and one of the most common things I've been seeing is difficulty with character voicing. Character voicing is hard. It's what's important to making characters stand out from each other. So I thought I'd write a little blog about some of my thoughts on Word Choice in relation to a character's voice.

I'm going to use some excerpts from stories of mine. Under a Tree, There is Another Sky, The Last Vacation, and some unpublished things.

First, word choice is a bit of both an oversimplification of the concept and not entirely all of it. Word order matters, too. As does choosing when to break grammar, when to ignore character voice (because sometimes they just aren't themselves), and when to pause dialogue for a 'breathing break' to make it flow more naturally. Also, narrative plays a role in voicing - especially in tight-in third person limited stories and first person stories.

1. Definitions:

Tight-in Third Person
This is first person in all but pronouns. The character's voice bleeds into the narrative, and narrative can, at times, read like dialogue or thoughts. It's closer than third person limited (and I'm sure there's a word for this somewhere that describes this exact thing)

Breathing Break
This is a break in the dialogue tag. It separates two bits of dialogue to give the character a chance to react (or other characters a chance) and to give the reader a break. It also helps, in my opinion, to make dialogue feel more real to life, or colloquial.

Banter
Banter is a quick series of dialogue with only the minimal attribution needed to keep who's who straight.

2. Word Choice & Order in Dialogue

Characters, and people, tend to have unique modes of talking. By that, I mean that their path in life has led them to consider ways of saying things that is different from how you or I might say them. A country girl like Applejack, for example, has a tendency to use simpler words, more country-slang, and countryisms because of how she was brought up. She, and many others, also use nicknames and pet-names for others (Sugarcube, honey, sugar, R.D., Twi, etc.). She's also more direct, less apologetic, and even a bit brash at times - but that's not strictly a country-girl thing, that's just an AJ thing.

She looked down at my shadow on the ground, then up at me after a moment. “Oh. Hey, Fluttershy.” Her throaty chuckle sounded strained. Or did it? “Thought you might be R.D. for a sec.”

Some of these demonstrated - nickname, dropping words like "I", abbreviating a word

Fluttershy, by contrast, uses gentler words. By that, I mean she uses a lot of qualifiers, she offers outs, pauses for others to interject, and she speaks in roundabouts to things she considers 'difficult topics.' She tends to be more formal when addressing somepony, using their full name, and tends to avoid pet names or nicknames, but doesn't always use their full name.

“I would like to hear about the tree,” I suggested quietly, bumping into her. “Or I could tell you about the time I talked Angel into wearing a cat outfit for a day?”
"Maybe some other time?" The words left my mouth without a thought as to what they meant. "I mean, it's so nice to hear you talk about your dad. I can tell you two were very close."

It's hard to find good Flutters dialogue that isn't short and timid. But that's also a part of her character voice. Here, more formal speech, no abbreviations, only one contraction.

The point of the above two is to demonstrate the voicing and separate out the component parts of their character's respective voices. There are some caveats.

Some characters share similar backgrounds, and thus it's a little harder to find a truly unique voice for them. There are some things that can be done to help with this though.
Sometimes, it's necessary to break voice for an emotional moment, or something that would naturally break voice - like during a prepared speech.
Sometimes, a character's voice can be somewhat inconsistent either due to stress, plot, or other reasons. A character does not have to speak with the same voice throughout the entirety of a story.

Word Choice, Order & Sentence Structure

For dialogue, grammar can be a crapshoot. People don't talk in whole sentences a lot. One word interjections are common, as are stuttered starts, abrupt stops as someone else interjects with their words... But we can't do that, much, in writing or it throws people off. So we simulate. Let's start with word choice, order, motivation, and the mall.

Let's use a custom made example next to show a few different things from the six girls. We have something we want to express: "I want to go to the mall. Do you want to go to the mall? Let's go to the mall and have lunch."

Soooo boring.

Twilight Sparkle:

I have some things I need to get at the mall, and maybe some of you would like to come along? Specifically some new software from Pearplesoft for my research, a new notebook from Quills and Sofas, and... Hmm. This might take a while. We could have lunch there, too.

(Apologies to Pearple Prose)

Rarity:

To the mall! Clothing sales await. Come along now everyone, and I promise we'll visit someplace you want to go, too. And lunch. Can't forget lunch. There's this new place in the food court I'd like to at least try.

Applejack:

Gonna pop down to the mall. Gotta stop at the hardware store and was thinkin' 'bout lunch. Wanna come?

Pinkie Pie:

The Mall! Food court, here we come! Come on, you and you and you and you. We're going. Right now! Cinnabon on me!

Fluttershy:

So, I was thinking that I need to stop by the mall later today for some things for Angel Bunny from the pet store. It'd be really, really nice if I didn't have to go alone. Would you, maybe, like to come with me? I'll buy lunch, too, if you'd like.

Rainbow Dash:

Hey girls. Just gonna run down to the mall and pick up my new shoes. Thought it'd be cool if we could hang out, too. There's this new place at the food court that sells churros! Come on, it'll be awesome.

Here, we have individual motivations, personalities, and ways of expressing a way to go to the mall. I did take some liberties in motivation, but that's going to be expressed in dialogue too. Motivation is important here. Dialogue lets two characters share each other's motivations. Everyone has something they want at the mall, and food. They all express it differently. Pinkie Pie more directly than any other, and Fluttershy the least direct and forceful of all.

Bantering

Bantering is the fine art of short, quick dialogue bits between characters to show... lots of things, really. Affection, distaste, enjoyment, joy. Here's a few snippets from The Last Vacation with some nice bits of banter.

“Hey, eyes on the road, bub, not on my boobs. You missed your chance.” Rainbow smacked the back of the headrest.
Flash snorted. “You’re gay, remember? I never had a chance.”
“I— You—” She glanced at Twilight, then at Sonata. Her mouth worked soundlessly for several seconds.
Twilight laughed, covered it behind her hands.
“He did not just score a point on me! You didn’t win!” Rainbow smacked the headrest again, but Flash broke into snickering and laughter, growing harder when he glanced back at Rainbow’s face, the car swerving slightly.
“Kinda sounds like he did,” Sonata said.
“Evil!” Rainbow laughed.

Here we have a bit of banter between Flash, Rainbow and Sonata. Minimal attribution except for a mid-banter action break. It's building a little bit of rapport, and in context is the point at which tension between the four passengers (Twilight, Sonata, Flash, and Rainbow) breaks.

This bit of banter comes a bit earlier, showing off Rainbow's and Sonata's childish tendencies when... acting childish. This is about in the middle of building tension between them. The banter is even shorter, louder, and without as much attribution to give it a more playful undertone as in the above.

Rainbow groaned. “She’s evil. I told you.”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Quiet!” Flash’s snapped command froze the argument. “Good grief, it’s like driving around my sisters all over again.”
“Sonata started it!”
“You started it!”
“Seriously, how are you two not related? Quiet down or I’m turning this car around.”

Breathing Breaks

Breathing breaks can make dialogue feel more colloquial. I have a couple examples I'd like to share, both from currently unpublished works, but they should work without much context. Here's the first from Tides of Love (Chapter 4). This is perhaps one of the longest blocks of dialogue I've written, and I could break it up a bit more. Included also are some contextual bits so it makes a little more sense. Let's do that now.

“Thank you.” I pictured myself, my pose, and added in the right parameters according to a training manual Dash had given me: an authentic EUP training manual. I still had it on my bedside bookshelf at home. “How could you tell? It was barely a degree.”
“Instinct, Twilight. And training. I used to be a junior P cadet of the EUP, you know. Gosh… It must have been when I had just turned fourteen. I was so excited to finally be a part of the EUP. And it’s how I met your brother for the first time. He was one of the more senior, junior U cadets.” She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m gushing. He’s on my mind all the time these days.”
“He’s on mine, too,” I said gently, risking gliding closer to her until our wingtips almost touched at full stretch. “He told me about your first meeting once. I think that was… just before you became my foalsitter.”
Cadance chuckled. “And, you know, I was a little nervous foalsitting for a ten year old filly that first time. I was used to foalsitting for foals five and six years old, not nearly teenaged fillies.” She smiled and glided a tad closer, letting her flight feathers stroke mine before gliding back away again.
I flushed. I knew where this was going. “And I told mom and dad that I didn’t need one. I swear, pickle one plant too many…”
My attempted diversion failed.
“I think,” Cadance said gently, her lips quivering as she fought to keep from laughing, “it was more to make sure that you had a steady friend. And I was happy to, request or no. You were the brightest filly I’ve ever known, and I knew from the moment I met you that you’d be something special.”
The flush in my cheeks grew. “I was not that bad at making friends. I had Moondancer and… and…” And my argument fell apart at the first example. “Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” She said with a laugh, quickly stifled. “And no, you weren’t terrible at making friends. You did have a bad habit of not trying to keep up with them.”
“Okay… make friends, yes. Keep friends…” I sighed. “Still learning.”
She smiled. “The real reason I wanted you up here with me was to talk to you like this, as friends before we had to be royalty again, remember what it was like to fly with you, and get away from the pomp and reminders. I’ve had precious little time to myself since we announced the baby, and even less since Shining got called away on…” She closed her eyes for the briefest of instants. “The ambassador from Canterlot will be at the reception tonight. I think you might know her, but maybe not? Starwish? She’s a little older than both of us, so maybe she was ahead of your class?” There was a hint of a twinkle in her eye at that.
I suspected a deception somewhere, but I couldn’t put my hoof on it. “I don’t. I may have missed her. I was rather focused.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s a bit airy, but she’s smart. Just… tap her on the nose if she stares off into space for too long.”
“What, really?” I wobbled as I jerked my head towards her.

I didn't want to include all of this because very, very minor spoilers. But I kinda have to because otherwise the passage is just a contextless mess. Trimmed for posterity to include a bit of flow of dialogue so I don't get a dozen questions of "What? Who's speaking?"

The bold part is what I want to fix.

Here's the rewrite:

She smiled. “The real reason I wanted you up here with me was to talk to you like this, as friends before we had to be royalty again, remember what it was like to fly with you, and get away from the pomp and reminders." Cadance waved a hoof, indicating the looming tower ahead. "I’ve had precious little time to myself since we announced the baby, and even less since Shining got called away on…” Her sigh was lost in the wind, but I saw it, and saw it age her.
"It's okay. I'm worried, too."
Her eyes closed for the briefest of instants, and the tired lines around her eyes eased. “The ambassador from Canterlot will be at the reception tonight. I think you might know her, but maybe not? Starwish?” Cadance tipped her head to the side. “She’s a little older than both of us, so maybe she was ahead of your class?” There was a hint of a twinkle in her eye at that.

Here, I've broken up the two threads of Cadance's conversation, her falling moode first, with an interjection from Twilight. It serves to break up the moment, adds a little more visual detail, and lets Cadance recover enough to be a little teasing in the next bit.

This next piece, I'm not going to change. This already has quite a few natural dialogue breaks. Sweetie is 22 or 23, a rising starlet. Rainbow Dash is in between 30 and 34 for context. It's from a currently unnamed Sweetie-Dash Adventure/Romance inspired by Formerly Committed.

“Every week, or thereabouts.” Sweetie pushed herself away and shook her head. “Why Rainbow Dash? Can’t we request somepony else? Anypony else?”
“Sorry. The rest’ve been assigned to sky patrol. At least, that’s what Spitfire’s letter said.” Stage Presence shrugged. “Look, Sweetie. It’s just for a couple months. Put up with it, get this gold star on your career and move on. It’s not like you’ve gotta live with her.” He laughed his stupid ‘aheh’ laugh. “For long.”
“What.” Her voice came out flat, harsh.
“You’ll need to share a cabin on the airship. There’s not enough room with the equipment, the others, the crew… There was only one cabin left on the manifest. I had to, Sweetie.” He raised a hoof to his chest. “Honest, I didn’t know she was your mortal enemy.”
“Fine.” Sweetie growled and paced back and forth once more. “Look, I’ll try to play nice. But if she sets one hoof wrong with me…” She let the rest of the things she wanted to say, all of them either anatomical or organizational impossibilities, remain unsaid. “When am I supposed to meet her?”
“Uh. Well...”
Sweetie stomped to the door and yanked it open. Nopony was there. “Asshole! I thought she’d be right outside.”
“No, she’s, um. She’s in Ponyville right now.”
“Damnit. What’s she—” She cut herself off. It was, nominally, Rainbow’s home still, though most of her time was spent with the Wonderbolts at their mesa base south of the Rainbow Falls. “Nevermind. Look, these next few gigs, can I just, you know, drop them?”

Here, we've got both Stage Presence and Sweetie breaking up their dialogue all over the place. But the real meaning when I say "Breathing Break" is something like this from that excerpt:

“You’ll need to share a cabin on the airship. There’s not enough room with the equipment, the others, the crew… There was only one cabin left on the manifest. I had to, Sweetie.” He raised a hoof to his chest. “Honest, I didn’t know she was your mortal enemy.”

It's short, doesn't break away from the dialogue for long, but still separates two bits of dialogue that would otherwise rush right through without much of a pause. It gives the reader a moment, and just a moment, to absorb the last before the next bit of dialogue comes rolling in.

Breaking Character Voicing and Staying in Character

And now. Some of those points. This is an excerpt from later in the Twilight First Person story when she's giving a prepared speech. Her voice is different, and the words she chooses are somewhat stilted. She's not conversing normally, she's expounding, but she's not altogether comfortable doing it in front of the press. Spoiler tags for a minor plot point in the story.

As soon as I stepped through the door, cameras flashed in a brief, quick strobe, then another, more scattered strobe as the enchanted filaments recharged and discharged again. “Good morning, everypony,” I said as Cadance stepped out to stand beside me and Star behind both of us. Four guards stood at every corner, unarmed but watchful. “I imagine this is quite a surprise.”
A few chuckles and murmurs floated up.
“Bear with me. I’ve never done a full press briefing quite like this before.”
“I’ll be moderating,” Cadance said, leaning in front of me briefly to speak into the crystal amplifier. “Please, you know what topics are off limits, don’t push those bounds.” She leaned back and settled into place.
“I’d like to make a brief statement first.” I cleared my throat and plucked the deck of cards out from underneath the podium. “First, I am a crystal pony. That, you can see, but it’s been confirmed magically that I’m no different from any other. Aside from, you know, being an alicorn.” I coughed, and a few ponies tittered, but remained silent, the only other sound that of pens and quills scratching on parchment and paper. “What you see is the result of a magical experiment I conducted. The details of that experiment are not to be made public knowledge, so I will not answer any questions here. I will say that I was already on my way to becoming a crystal pony through the acclimatization process you all are already familiar with.
“The experiment cannot be repeated, nor do I suggest anypony attempt to force this kind of change upon themselves. Cadance has been unable to determine if there are any other changes that I may undergo, despite her knowledge of the process, and her close association with the magics that caused the accelerated change. I am currently under her care, and her watchful eye."
I took a breath and scanned the crowd. Everypony was either watching me or paying attention to their writing. I moved to the next set of cards.

This is already stilted from the way Twilight was speaking with Cadance from the earlier example. Then, it was between friends, and she took more breaks to do things. Here, she's speaking almost by rote, and nervous about her first real press briefing. This was a demonstration of when to break spoken character.

Alright. Moving on to the last bit. Character voice as narrative. I'll be using There is Another Sky for this one. And it'll be relatively short.

Character Voice as Narrative Voice

Specifically third person narrative voice. First person is already understood to be mostly, or all, in the voice of the character, which is why it can be hard to write that character's voice consistently throughout, because you will be tempted to break voice to make something clearer. Don't.

This is from the tight-in perspective of Answer Jim about 1/3 of the way through the story.

“Aw, come on, Answer. I know yer there!” He sounded like a pig. Fat. Greasy. Wallowing in his own filth.
“Don’t you come no closer, Sour.”
“That any way to treat a neighbor?” Sour’s footsteps kept coming.
“I’m warnin’ you.” He cocked the hammer, checked the chamber, and clicked off the safety. The final click sounded ominous in the hallway.
“Heh. I’m armed, too.” Jim heard a hollow thoonk and a sharp crack. “Nice ol’ shotgun.” The footsteps stopped, then moved away. He heard a creak and squeal of wood on steel. “Saw you got your door locked up tight. Someone else kick ya out?”
Celestia! She hadn’t let him in, or he wouldn’t be here. Must’ve followed his tracks. “Heh. By a right mean ol’ bugger, too. Why you think I’m out here, riskin’ my skinny ass?”
“Oh?” Sour sounded amused. “Do tell.”
“Yeah. Some punks outta Vegas, I figger. Big ass machine gun, more small arms than I cared to count. Lucky I was out scavengin’. Saw em.” Talking too much. Jim coughed. “If I’m bein’ neighborly, I’d be a poor neighbor if’n I didn’t warn ya.”
Sour was quiet. It was a poor lie. He knew Sour knew it was a lie.
“I reckon so.” His footsteps continued away. “You always was luckier.”

I treat grammar very loosely here in the narrative. Dropping words, mussing up order, sometimes no subject even. Sometimes sentence fragments. It's very much in the voice of Answer Jim. I think it adds to the voicing of the piece. It lets the narrative and dialogue flow together more easily and, I think, more naturally. Some people won't like it, though.

Really, it depends on the type of story you're trying to write.

An emotional tale like "There is Another Sky" can use the tight-in limited third person to great effect, drawing the reader more into the world and making the short journey more meaningful and still allow switching characters when Celestia’s viewpoint, a more formally correct perspective, takes over.

An adventure like the SweetieDash, though we haven't gotten to adventuring yet, can use the dialogue breaks to great effect by making the dialogue more active and engaging, letting it be a notion of word and movement in the mind.

A more slowly paced, intimately told first person tale like Tides of Love can vary the voice over time as the characters grow, as events unfold, or as things happen that require them to adapt and step outside their comfort zones, breaking their character voices, even if only briefly.

And a story about the bonds of friendship, like The Last Vacation can use banter - that quick, verbal fencing - to great effect, building a quick rapport between characters as they trade blows.

I know this is already a long blog, so I'll wrap it up with:
Does anyone have any questions about the ideas here?
Suggestions that I may have missed or misrepresented?
Any questions about other facets of character voicing and depiction that I may have missed?

Until next time then, Toodles.

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