July Update · 7:43pm Aug 1st, 2018
So another month gone. I know hardly anyone reads these anymore, so I'm really just doing it to keep myself accountable and keep a record of sorts of my writing progress. This has been a pretty bad month for everything, really. This is kind of the lowest point in my life.
7/1 - 100
7/2 -
7/3 -
7/4 -
7/5 -
7/6 -
7/7 -
7/8 -
7/9 -
7/10 -
7/11 -
7/12 -
7/13 -
7/14 -
7/15 -
7/16 -
7/17 -
7/18 -
7/19 -
7/20 -
7/21 -
7/22 -
7/23 -
7/24 -
7/25 - 1000
7/26 -
7/27 -
7/28 -
7/29 -
7/30 -
7/31 -
Total:1100
Pretty pathetic considering my last two months. That one thousand won't really ever see the light of day either. It wasn't a completely dead month like most of the last two years have been, but honestly it might as well have been.
Honestly, I can say without a doubt now that this is the darkest point in my life. I thought I hit the bottom in late 2016 after a suicide attempt, but I didn't know how good I had it back then. It's really mostly my own fault. Because of my job choice I've pretty much entirely isolated myself and haven't been able to make new friends, and all but one of my old friends I was actually close to has moved on. All I really have now are a long list of acquaintances that don't really care if I disappeared or not. At least two years ago I had a handful of really close friends and was about to meet the girl that would be my best friend in 2017. Now though... well I wouldn't bring this emotional garbage onto fimfic if I had any other outlet, really. At this point I kind of doubt anyone actually reads through these entire things if they open them at all, so I guess it feels better hiding in here rather than bringing it up to some stranger I don't really trust, even though I'm kind of opening it up to 2000 of them. I don't know.
To top it off I'm on the very edge of getting fired for the next little thing I mess up on, and barring a long list of details about the incident, I'm going to be unhireable at any other job in the industry and be saddled with 4,000 dollars of debt if that ends up happening. I gave up a lot to take this job so I could build up money for the future, but now it might end up being for nothing if something bad happens, which considering the last two years of my life is the most probable outcome. Needless to say it's a lot more stress to deal with.
In June I was holding up a lot better. The world was harsh, sure, but I still had some things to look forward to. The death of my dog changed that. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to coming home to someone that was always happy to see me, that always wanted to see me and was just giddy to have me around. I know he was just a dog but just having something make me feel like I was worth having around meant a lot, and now even that's gone. My entire life has become nothing but adversity and negativity. All the things that did bring me joy are slowly drifting away, and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
I just wish something good would happen for once. Or that the bad stuff wasn't so debilitating. Or really just for it all to be over. Everything feels so distant now, like I'm just looking back at the memories of all the things I used to love so much and having to go forward with nothing else to go on.
I know this probably just irritates people and I should really just keep it to myself, but I guess I just want to try to get it out at least. I'm sure most people just see it as attention-grabbing, and maybe it is. I don't really know what to do anymore. People generally just shy away and brush it off anyway. The attitude is usually a subtle "go away and deal with it yourself", or some token sympathy before they take the chance to start talking about themselves instead. Whatever. Been a bad month, basically. Bad three years, really. I know none of you followed me to hear any of this, so basically updates might take a while. Sorry.
Hey it helps to get this stuff out even if it is to just a group of random people on the internet. And hey some of us do care what happens to you. And are here for you. I know you probably won't believe it but not all of us are bad. And I really do hope things get better for you.
Have you considered getting a new dog. I know it won't be a replacement for the one you lost, but the genuine affection that dogs give can do magic. I know that I wish I'd gotten a new dog after the other passed away
Don’t give up.
Life can be hard sometimes, but we should always find a reason to keep moving forward. It isn’t over until it actually is over. Whenever you feel like there’s nothing left for you, please believe me when I say that there is always something left. It may seem like there’s nothing, but you have to summon the courage to find that something. And before you even know it, it will come to you.
I really don't know what to say. Wish I knew the magic words but I don't. My ma would say life is a series of peaks and valleys. LONG valley, but tou always must have hope. We are here for you. We will always listen.
Hopefully, each day gets just a little bit brighter.
We don't want you to leave. We love you for being you. We're there for you here on fimfic, Discord and wherever else we can be.
Sure things might be bad right now but usually the only direction you can go at this point is up. So work hard and do what you love to do, by then things might be a little bit better, but regardless. I think I can speak for all the followers who read these that we're here for ya, no matter what
Uh, no, it's good to get it out, and while the initial follow is for your writings, I understand the author is more important than the stories (s)he writes. Following on FimFic isn't solely about keeping track of the stories you publish (though that is probably the intended function) but is to also connect with the author. That's why I'm at your blog each time one comes out. So we're always here for you, and that's not just out of sympathy, pity or obligation as a follower, but genuinely as a group of people that actually care. The most I can do right now is offer best wishes, and better luck for the future. The silver lining of being at the bottom is that the only direction is up.
It’s not attention grabbing- fuck that.
Don’t ever be ashamed here. You are a talented, awesome son of a gun, and you certainly deserve better. Sure, none of us know the half of what you’re really going through, we’re only given this snippet, but we are here for you. We’re here because you’ve given us at least some source of enjoyment through this site. You’ve given us your time, your effort, and now you’re sharing these feelings and thoughts that you deem to be pathetic. They’re not though. I don’t have any advice or words to share that could somehow turn your entire situation around. I really don’t, because all I can do is hope things get better and that you’ll be able to push through all the bs. Just know that there are people who do appreciate you, that do care about you, and only wish the best for you going forward.
/hug.
Hang in there. Life gets dark sometimes. Sometimes for longer than we think we can handle. But so long as you perservere and take it one day at a time, you can push past it towards better times. Don't let the dark times win.
I know this doesn't mean all that much, coming from someone who can't truly understand what you're going through. But all the same, I'm rooting for you.
take as much time as you need you can always come back if even if you quit for a while but if you start getting more and more stressed you might become a danger to yourself hang in there and take all the time you need to sort yourself out ;]
I know you don't know me, but for what it's worth I read the whole thing. There's no shame in taking the time you need to get yourself in order. If that means putting things like Fimfiction on hold, so be it. We'll still be here when you get back. As someone who's dealing with similar emotions as you are, I think I know where you're coming from. And about the whole attention-grabbing thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with venting or asking for help when things get hard. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably an asshole and should be disregarded.
I don't really have anything helpful to say except that you're appreciated by me for your stories. Keep going, no matter how long and cold the night gets, the sun always rises in the end.
I don't see a single commenter here who doesn't support you.
I sympathize closely; the last four years have all felt like an extraordinarily long bad dream. I've been looking forward to respawning at a savepoint prior to Aug 2014... fuck, it's almost the anniversary of the end of my life as was acceptable... but I know that this is real life and there's no such thing as waking up or going back to a good save/restore point or back in time...
And last year my dog Mandy died too. She was truly considered a person in our family. I grew up with her from elementary school thru to my last year of college. I understand what that love is that you are afraid others don't know about or wouldn't understand... she wouldn't let me stop petting her the entire morning before she passed... . Whether someone believes animals are truly capable of such intimate familial bonds, or if they subscribe to the philosophy that they're simply too naive to stay mad at you, there clearly is truth that animals, our pets or companions or animal friends, however you want to call them, can be so precious to us, so important in our lives.
Anyway, we all clearly accept your situation, and I hope you don't feel so pressured to maintain schedule for writing--Use the stories for your own betterment, be they an outlet for your emotion or your own way to stay organized: what's important is that you are accountable only to yourself, not us.
We all wish you well.