Eventually · 5:48pm May 20th, 2018
In our daily lives we must have hundreds of different things we need to do, and stacked on top of that all our life goals we want to get accomplished eventually. It's only natural some things slip through the cracks, some things that we just put off until another time. Sometimes it'll take a week, maybe a month, or maybe you put it off for years until we decide it's worth doing. Or maybe we just leave them in the closet to slowly wither away and die like some old outfit we bought and decided we'd wear it one day.
Of all people to fall victim to that deadly trap of workaholism, I'd imagine Applejack would be the most susceptable. Her life revolves around that farm. She had a wonderful life with tons of friends that loved her though, so how could that possibly ever happen? Things like this aren't supposed to happen. Friends are supposed to be forever, and in the land of Equestria, dreams don't die, they just get put off for a little while, right?
It starts off small at first. When you're in high school or college just about every day seems unique and interesting; something new is always happening and there's a massive amount of new people you can meet and make friends with. But eventually things begin to go missing. Friends you used to have seem to have disappeared, goals you said you'd get through get forgotten about, and the pile of paperwork on your desk seems like the only thing you can realistically get done that day. It's not a big deal though, you can get through this and have some fun some other time. Meet your dream girl/guy some other time. Get in shape and learn that new hobby some other time. Hang out with friends and build relationships some other time. You can be alive some other time.
No place is it easier to say these things to yourself than after college. You've got a job now, and that constant stream of money is ridiculously nice to have, isn't it? You can buy a lot of nerd shit or dragon dildos with all that cash. But seeing those numbers grow in your bank account starts to become more and more of your life. You've got weekends off to live though right? But just this weekend you'll watch some tv and play video games and think about going out next weekend. Your friends will still be there and you'll still have a chance.
Nature doesn't change. Every Autumn the leaves will fall off the trees, every day the sun will fall below the horizon, and every single minute that passes is another that you will never be able to get back. No matter how hard you try you can't stop the march of time. Every single person has faced that unrelenting flow and not one has ever made it out alive. We know we only have so much of that precious resource before it runs out, but it's often only an after thought. You don't really know what you've got until it's gone.
I wouldn't say I'm not wise enough to avoid this trap. In fact I've probably fallen into it harder than most. Throughout the past year I've done a lot of saying "some other time" or "tomorrow" without it every actually happening. I'll write that story or novel tomorrow, I'll hang out with old friends tomorrow, I'll reach out to those important to me some other time. I've got time, so I can take care of other things first, or maybe just take some time for myself, right?
When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot because of my dad's job. We never really stayed in one place for more than five or so years at a time. This was long enough to make some friends but after we moved they never really lasted. I'm sure you know how it goes. Proximity means a lot and when you don't have it anymore things tend to fade away. However I always had one friend that lasted. I met him when I was just ten years old. We bonded over a death in the family that connected us through my mom's home town. We talked about naruto and ninjas and played Ratchet and Clank all night the first night I met him. Ever since that day I didn't waste much time hanging out with him when I was in town together. Over the next ten years we were as close as best friends could possibly be. I shared everything with him and he confided in me as well. We pulled each other through hard times and become closer than I honestly could ever have imagined I could be with another human being.
Unfortunately, due to growing troubles in his own life and my own overly abrasive personality, as you might have read in a blog post a year ago, he decided he didn't want to be in my life anymore. This was definitely a shock to me, and it affected me heavily as the period of time after that was pretty depressing to say the least. He eventually unblocked me and I assumed he was open for me to contact him again, though never reached out to me. I later learned through my brother when they were working together that this was because he thought I was mad at him, which most definitely wasn't the case at all, but I digress. It no longer matters now. After the months of my own misery, I concluded that it would be best to reignite our friendship when I was in a better spot and had improved myself a lot more. I'll have plenty of time to catch up with him, I told myself, he's living a great life with plenty of friends so he doesn't need me as much anymore. I kept waiting for the right moment, just biding my time until I thought I was finally ready to have a healthier relationship with him and everyone else really. A couple months turned into another year, and I thought, just a little bit longer and I'll be there. I've got time, I can wait, right?
Unfortunately, that time won't ever come. Three months ago my best friend committed suicide.
Needless to say this is the most devastating thing I've ever heard in my life. I've been broken up with by girls that I loved more than anything, had beloved pets die, been turned down for jobs that I'd been hoping for for years, and a litany of other life disappointments, but nothing has ever hit me harder than hearing that I'll never be able to talk to my best friend again. When I first heard the news it was like white noise had envoloped my entire being. This couldn't be reality. There's no way he would do this and there's no way things can't go back to normal. It has to be a joke, right? It has to be. I kept dreaming about him in the days to follow. I dreampt I got to talk to him again. I vividly remember talking to him about having this terrible dream where he killed himself, and he laughed. "We've got each other, dude, why would I ever do that?" Reality was my nightmare.
All that time I'd spent thinking that I had plenty of it, and that I could just hold it off for a few more months until I was ready, was now nothing more than a waste of wishful thinking and selfish desires to impress. Would I have reached out to him eventually? Maybe. Now I'll never know for sure. I could've been there to give him someone to talk to, someone who cared that he was still alive and would tell him it would be a mistake to make this choice. But I wasn't. I waited. I told myself some other time, that I still could do it later. Now I can't and never will. I lost the person I considered the closest friend I'd ever made, someone I considered closer than family, because I told myself I'd do it later.
Maybe I couldn't have stopped it. What he went through before the end was an experience that I might not have been able to help, but it still leaves me wondering. I honestly would've put money on me killing myself before he ever did, considering how many times I'd tried before, but as much as I want to bargain with reality, you can't change death. There's no magic gate you can walk up to and pull the dead back through to the land of the living. No matter how much I yell at the unrelenting passage of time it will never flow backwards to give me another moment with him, nor will it allow me to go back and change anything. I've never become so acquanted with the impermanence of life and the subsequent permanence of death before now, and it's left me a lot to think about.
We hear things like yolo and just do it and think "yeah, that sounds good. Let me toss this half eaten sandwhich across the classroom." None of us really internalize these ideas though soon enough. I know every one of you reading this has something you've been meaning to do. Some dream you've been thinking about working on but haven't gotten around to yet. Or maybe it's someone you want to talk to or somewhere you've wanted to be. Time is a precious commodity, more precious than any currency you could ever have. You can earn back lost money, you can recover from bankruptcy, you can even pull yourself out of absolute poverty, but no amount of work will turn back the march of time and give you back your time. Let this be a cautionary tale; don't end up like me, don't end up like Applejack. The hardest part of doing most things is starting them and the pain of discipline will always be better the pain of regret.
Most people want to die without regret. Most people think they have time to rectify their mistakes and improve themselves so that they won't regret the life they've lived. I can't ever say that now. My friend's death will follow me to my grave as a dark scar that won't ever heal, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
Don't let some other time mean never. Eventually? Eventually you'll run out of time. Eventually it will be too late. It won't happen until you make it happen, so what are you going to do now? That's what matters.
Thanks for reading.
That's very rough what you've gone through. Hats off to you for mustering what it takes to convey such a powerful message at the end of it all up until now. With some good advice about taking initiative in the present instead of waiting until the ever-receding "later".
Been a while since I checked my feed, it's good to see you again. I know you probably haven't heard from me in a long time, but you've got respect from me as well, Holy.
I’m not sure what to say to this or whether I even should. Saying sorry doesn’t seem like the right thing to say or what it would even mean. I can say that I will take what you have said to heart though. I hope you’re talking to someone about all this, even if it’s only to vent. Though I guess you already did that through your story. In the end, I just want to ask you to, please, keep moving forward.
My grandfather has Alzheimer. Last time I heard he had trouble remembering grandma. That was months ago. I will visit him in about 3 weeks. I hope I still got time.
I don't know if I can say whether or not I feel the same...... And well all I can say for you is Keep Looking Forward... Always Remember the good times your friend and you had
Yeah... Yeah.......
All in all you're just another brick the Wall.....
Never forget them man. We all lose people we care about, one of the worst feelings is forgetting. Their voice, the food they ate, playing games and watching that one show you hated but they loved because they asked you to... never forget. We all meet again eventually, god bless.
Not me. I have no meaning, no purpose, and no direction. No dreams, no ambitions; I'm content to sit and rot.
Hell, the only time I buckle down and do something important, is when I'm backed into a corner, and left with no alternative choices to make; I don't act until I 'have' to act.
Thank you for sharing the pain of losing a loved one. just putting it out there for internet strangers has to be tough opening your self like that again.
are you going to change your lifestyle now?
are you going to hit your bucket list?
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My lifestyle has changed drastically since his death. My regret over not acting and wasting time has led me to a pretty major career change and actually forming a positive future for myself. In my mind I have to live well for both of us now, since he can no longer experience the future at all, or at least, do my best to try to change things for the better. It would be a disservice to him to mope around and be depressed about it, despite how much I'd like to. Just more wasted time, really.
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I haven't seen your name around in quite a while either. Still kicking around Fingerbang?
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I am. Haven't been around FimFic much but I'm trying to increase my presence here as much as I can. I do write a few stories and I keep the tab open a whole lot.