How To Not Cook Like a Fucktard #4: Making Time for Risotto · 1:18am Jan 2nd, 2017
New year, new recipe! And today we're going to talk a little bit about risotto.
For those of you who don't know what risotto is (holy fuck, were you born under a rock? How do you not know what risotto is, read a damn book!) this is a dish that consists of a soft, creamy, sticky rice, usually mixed with cheese and served as a side dish. It also happens to be a labor of love, and takes quite a bit of effort. I promise, it's worth it. It's a salty, warm, smooth, comforting, often cheesy food (if you compare risotto to cum, I swear to fucking god...)
You may be curious as to what sets this apart from other rice dishes, and most people would tell you that it's creamyness is probably what does it. But there's more. The rice, as it cooks, isn't steamed, and it isn't made with water OR with milk! It's made with broth/stock and wine. Ah, see, you knew there was alcohol involved in this! The broth and the wine both give the rice an amazing and satisfying texture, and doing it right is infinitely satisfying emotionally.
A very basic risotto takes an hour to two hours to make, with constant though easy attention, and involves wine, stock, rice, and a little olive oil or butter. That's it. Consider it some time you can set aside to vent or relax while you cook, it's a really low-stress dish. You can make a metric fuckton of it, and it keeps for a few days, so if you want to impress with your cooking for a group, this is sometimes a good way to do it. But today, I'll be giving you my favorite recipe, which is a little more advanced, blasphemous, and ornate, and looks pretty brilliant. If it scares you to do something this intricate, you can take out all the extras and just go with the basic ingredients I mentioned, or add your own stuff! It's up to you.
Oh, and my recipe involves drinking. So get ready.
Garlic Parmesan Radish Risotto
Cook Time: 2 hours, including prep time
INGREDIENTS:
- 3 tbs butter
- 3 tbs olive oil
- 5 cloves (or so, can be a little less) minced or pressed garlic
- 3 tbs finely chopped chives (dried or fresh)
- 1lb finely minced red radishes (you can use less, but I like lots for my tastes. Should be cut about the size of grains of rice.)
- 1/4 cup redwine vinegar (you CAN use less, this is mostly for cooking)
- 2 cups rice
- 5 cups stock (READ HOW TO MAKE IT HERE!) I recommend duck stock for best results with this
- 1 medium container of powdered or shredded parmesan cheese (less if you don't like things cheesy, this is to taste. It doesn't even need cheese if you are lactose intolerant)
- 1 tbsp finely chopped fresh basil (can use dried instead
- 1tbsp black pepper, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder various Italian seasonings to taste (about 3 pinches of each?)
- 1/2 OF A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE
Remember, this recipe is minorly blasphemous. This isn't traditional by any means, and it gives the risotto a bit of a thick, cheesy, and almost sour flavor. The radish also adds a texture that changes the texture from mostly smooth to both crunchy and smooth. Still, this is how I like it. Feel free to modify or make a simple version.
DIRECTIONS:
1. Brown chives and garlic in butter and olive oil in a LARGE frying pan, think well over 18 inches across. Add redwine vinegar as you do this, slowly. You want to wait until the garlic and chives are light brown, not burned. Oil turns into smoke really easily, so keep the heat fairly low.
2. Add rice. Mix until rice is coated with the grease and the garlic and chives. Keep on low to medium heat, don't burn this stuff.
3. Immediately add the white wine, slowly, stirring it in. Wait until it's absorbed, stirring it on and off so it does not stick to the bottom.
4. Add radishes and all other spices. Stir regularly. until it's all mixed together.
5. Slowly, over the course of an hour (or so, might take more time), add all of the stock and parmesan, stirring regularly until absorbed fully. You'll get the sense that the rice is absorbing as you stir, so keep checking on it to make sure it isn't sticking to the bottom, burning, or staying hard in some places, not in others. As you do this, the rice should form a sticky, paste-like mix.
6. During this time... now, this is important... you will drink the unused half of your bottle of wine. You read that right. You have an hour or more of chilling, so throw something on your phone or computer by the stove, kick back, and start drinking. I recommend watching Star Trek: TNG on Netflix while you stir and wait, though try not to burn yourself.
7. After an hour, start taking little bites of the rice. Once rice is tender (as is the radish, though it should stay a little crunchy) serve. Should come out a light pink color if you leave the radish skins on, which I always do. You can garnish it with radish or in any other way you like.
And tah-dah! You've made risotto!
I like my food to be pretty, damnit!
BONUS INFO:
- If you want green risotto, add spinach! You can cut it finely and mix it in when you'd mix the risotto, and it will get a greenish color. Children will NOT eat it.
- You can add any cheese to this, and many different sorts of alcohol. I have added cheddar and whiskey to risotto before, and it's been amazing, especially with a touch of mustard. Be creative, try new things.
- Vigilance is the name of the game here. Add things slowly, stir well, don't let things burn. If things are burning or the rice won't get soft, add more liquid to it, either stock or wine. If all else fails, even a little water will do. You will have to stir a lot, so let's hope your arms are ready for it.
- Some people get drunk on half a bottle of wine. That's not really helpful, I know, I just think it's really funny.
- This dish is GREAT for people who want something creamy without any lactose in it AND it can be made for vegetarians and even vegans with a little modification. The wine, oil, and the stock are the keys here, and you can use vegetable stock instead of animal stock without much trouble.
-If you give this to your girlfriend, and you do it right, she'll think you'd an amazing cook. Also, you can make it in advance and then wait for her, though it is BEST served right away after you're done. Ensuing sexual gratification not guaranteed.
That's all there is to it. See? I told you I'd be getting more complex with things soon. It's all uphill from here!
Now get cooking.
-Pencil
I use vodka
Wine is for the real fucktards
Born in a hospital, but have you tasted hospital food, I doubt they could pronounce Risotto in their kitchens.
Where is a like button, why can't I hit a like button.
Press this one if to show the world you want one http://nooooooooooooooo.com/
Who the fuck has cheesy cum? O.o
4365660
Don't google dick cheese.
4365691
Hey! You can't tell me what to -
...Oh God...
4365560
Wine gives the rice a nice flavor, particularly with radish. NOW, if you want to drink vodka instead of wine as you cook? Oh yeah, that sounds like a good time.
I hate rice.
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I'm sure the feeling is mutual on the rice's end.
In which case, just drink the half bottle of wine instead.