Sample of "Equestria: Civil War" rewrite · 11:18pm Sep 27th, 2016
Fast as lightning, sharp as a sword
Here's a clip of a rewrite for chapter 2 of "Equestria: Civil War". I decided to go through with the idea of having a new character take on much of Celestia's position and lines, so as to keep the harshness necessary, but keep Celestia in-character.
Here it is:
“Aww, don’t be such a frowny-puss!” Pinkie chirped. “I don’t think it really was that bad!”
“Pinkie’s got a point,” Applejack added, nodding. “There’s really nothin’ to fear. I mean, there weren’t any casualties, thank heavens. And there couldn’ta been that many—”
“Twenty-six!”
The girls (sans Starlight) all turned in the direction of a new, deep and commanding voice. The owner was a sleek grey Unicorn stallion in full golden armor that had followed Princess Celestia into the conference hall. “Twenty-six injured ponies,” he continued, “crawled out of the splintered rubble that was once Ponyville’s City Hall.”
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight beamed, ignoring the stallion. “How are you this afternoon? It’s been quite a while, hasn’t . . . it . . . ?” The stern, somber look on the princess’ face made Twilight fall silent.
“This isn’t a social call, Princess” the stallion said sharply, aiming a sharp gaze at her. “You know exactly why you’re here.”
“Uhh . . . who are you?” Rainbow Dash blurted out from her seat.
“Excuse me, are you a Princess?” the stallion snapped with a low growl beneath his words. “I don’t see a horn on that empty rainbow head. So I suggest you sit down and shut it.”
Before Dash could get up to protest, Twilight intervened. “Excuse me, sir, but I think that’s a valid question. I’ve certainly never met you, and I’d like to know why you’re here and why you think you have the right to treat my friends so scathingly.”
“Considering your track record, Princess,” the stallion bit back, “you deserve all the venom you get. And for the record, my name is Thunderbolt, and I am the Captain of Celestia’s Royal Guard.”
“That’s bull!” Dash got up from her seat and hovered above the table. “Twilight’s brother is the Captain, not you! You’re totally full of—whoa!” She was cut off when she was enveloped in a deep blue aura and thrown back roughly into her seat.
“Sit your skinny plot down, young lady!” Thunderbolt bellowed as the same blue glow surged for a second on his horn. “Did it never occur to you that Shining Armor’s current living quarters prevent him from fulfilling his duties in Canterlot? Of course not, most of you prefer to think after you do stupid things!” Almost everypony jumped at the sound of Celestia clearing her throat loudly. Thunderbolt glanced up at the princess, cleared his own throat much more calmly, and continued, “Suffice it to say, I have replaced Shining Armor, as he is no longer available for this job. And because I work security detail in his absence, it is my duty to assess security problems in Canterlot, and recently, all of Equestria.”
Twilight glanced between the princess and the new Captain, feeling her heart throb in her chest. “Soooo . . .” she asked nervously, “I assume you didn’t call us all here to evaluate my progress in Starlight’s friendship lessons?” At this, Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “Ehehe . . . okay, I guess not.”
Celestia and Thunderbolt walked further into the room. The princess’ mane and tail billowed behind her like a flowing gown, and the captain glanced around the room with his head slightly bowed, as if he were aiming his horn instead of his eyes. Once the two reached the end of the table, Celestia stopped before taking a seat; Thunderbolt stood dutifully beside her. His horn glowed, and a gemstone materialized out of thin air in front of it. He placed it carefully on the table with his magic, then gave it a light tap with his hoof. In an instant, the stone itself glowed, and projected a large, square patch of light directly above it. The square patch of light, much like a film projector, showed a scene to everypony present.
A scene of a dainty-looking cottage in Ponyville, hanging twenty feet in the air and slowly rotating. At this, Fluttershy gasped.
The scene quickly flashed to Sweet Apple Acres, then ten feet deep in ice, when Thunderbolt quietly and succinctly recapped the scene: “Discord.”
Fluttershy fidgeted in her seat, and Twilight felt an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach.
The scene flashed again, and it showed a distanced shot of Ponyville, then covered by an enormous magical dome of energy. “The Alicorn Amulet,” Thunderbolt said. Twilight barely caught a glance of Pinkie gently rubbing the corner of her mouth with her hoof.
Another scene flash, and it showed the outside of some kind of school building in the dead of night. In a smoldering crater in front of the building, a strange, sunny-orange, primate-like creature emerged, covered in grime and eyes swimming in tears.
“Sunset Shimmer,” Thunderbolt said before the scene changed again, this time to the scene of the destruction of Ponyville’s City Hall building three days prior. “Starlight Glimmer,” he continued. Starlight released another faint gasp and sunk down in her chair.
“Okay,” Twilight pleaded, her hooves shaking. “That’s enough. I know why we’re here.”
“As well you should, my former student,” Celestia finally spoke as the projector stone blinked, then extinguished the screen.
“Beggin’ your pardon, Your Highness,” Applejack stepped in, “but how did you know about all this stuff?”
“These are all memories magically implanted into this stone by witnesses of each event,” Thunderbolt supplied the answer. “I was sent to find ponies who’d seen Discord’s joyride through Ponyville and Trixie’s takeover mere days earlier. The Canterlot High incident was only slightly harder to capture, but since you, Princess,” he snarled at Twilight, “made access to that world so effortless, it proved to be much easier than I’d thought. As for the incident three days ago . . . there were plenty of witnesses for that.”
“Look, I understand your intentions,” Twilight pressed, getting up from her chair, “but none of these things were in my control. I mean, I did my best with what I had—”
“Evidently not,” Thunderbolt said sternly. “These are only four events of known threats to Equestria that you were involved in. And if you haven’t wrapped your pretty little lavender head around it by now, then you should know that they all have one other thing in common . . . you enabled them all.”
Does this work a little better? I'll post another clip soon, to give Thunderbolt a bit more depth and not make him seem shoehorned in. Thanks for your input.
Stay quick, stay sharp, and thanks for reading.
I am so looking forward to this.
Y'know, the fact that you have to go out of your way to put "sans Starlight" and you put so much effort into actively hating her means that you care about her being there or not. She's still winning, bro.
Ha! I have got them!
4230024 This is getting old.
4230029
Luv u 2, fam. ;)
Also, no retort. Whatever that means to you.
I love Thunderbolt! Best character in this story!
Eh, not a fan of this change. The whole point of the "civil war" trope is about beloved and popular characters forced to act against each other. Now it's Twilight Sparkle, the main character, versus an OC. That removes the central conflict. I mean, switch out Celestia if you want, but then she needs to be replaced with another important and beloved character to keep the gravitas of the story. Luna maybe, certainly she has more perspective on this issue than anyone.
4230421 You misunderstand. Thunderbolt is taking Celestia's role, not Moon Dancer's. The conflict still goes on as is, I just wanted to make Celestia appear more unbiased while keeping a strict viewpoint on the situation at the same time.
4230472 Ah, ok. If the conflict is Moondancer vs Twilight and the other Princesses aren't taking sides, then it's still pretty balanced.
4230499 Exactly. I may have to bring in Cadance and Shining Armor, though, but we'll see what happens.
I whant to snap his neck and Cook him in oil....is that bad?
4230566 Not necessarily . . . .
4230572 Thank god i tought i was a bad person
4230579 Nah, it's okay. Also, thanks for the fave!
4230589 no prob
First voice that came to mind for Thunderbolt was Nick Fury- did you do that intentionally, or is the voice just fitting for how he speaks? Either way, I feel it now gives room for Celestia to do something else without compromising her character, so I'd say it works
4230627 Oh, good. That was the plan. As for the voice, I didn't really have anything specific in mind. But if you took that from it, that's fine.
This is already much better, imo, good job.
I think this works better. Celestia is trying to stay neutral while her captain does all the talking. I wonder if this will be Tunderbolt's only role.
4230421
I wouldn't see Luna on that role. She turned into Nightmare Moon (her jealousy and resent allowing the Nightmare to corrupt her), and was forgiven after the events in the first 2 episodes, without any form of punition.
4230499
I'd still prefer an alicorn on both sides, which would allow both of them to be balanced, and there's an alicorn I would very well see supporting the new law.
4230504
Shining Armor, though, while he'd agree for Flurry's safety, I personnally think he would refuse to take a side, not wanting to put his sister through a certain event from Canterlot wedding again, and neither his LSBFF nor his wife would urge him to go against one of them. But that's just my POV.
This captain sure is peeved against the 6 mares who did so much for Equestria and saved it several times. One thing to consider is that Celestia is the one who brought Discord's statue to the mares for them to reform him.
4230945 There has to be someone out there in Equestria who believes that heroes should be held accountable. And yes, Celestia did bring them the statue, but the Mane 6 could just as easily have sealed him back up in it. They're just as much at fault as Celestia is; more so because they once had the power to stop him, and didn't use it.
This scene is much better so far.
Better than Celestia being a complete jerk.
Sans starlight?
Lightning sword...
img02.deviantart.net/069b/i/2015/340/6/0/do_you_wanna_have_a_bad_time__by_dillanmurillo-d9j74wo.jpg
4231722 God!
All it means is that she was the only one who didn't turn around! Give me a break!
4231878
What? Wait...you don't know, do you. That Skeleton's name is Sans. One of his famous or infamous quotes is "Do you wanna have a bad time."
4231888 Oh.
Undertale . . . .
Sorry.
I didn't mean to flip out like that. I'm just tired of people criticizing me for the characters I hate, and I thought that's what this was. I'm sorry. 
4231901
Yep.
It's okay, I understand, if I didn't know what that was and someone showed it to me it would have come of as antagonizing as well. No hard feelings :)
4231909 I appreciate it. Thanks.
4231914
Your quite welcome. Come here pal *hugs*
4231921 *Hugs back*
4231929
In all seriousness the hug is completely sincere. But the opportunity is too good to pass.
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT DUNKED ON!!!