CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #17 — Persephone · 3:37am Jan 24th, 2016
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Title: Persephone
Author: PresentPerfect
Found via: Requested review
Short summary: Mrs. Harshwinny returns home after the Equestria games end. Thankfully the only thing waiting for her is normalcy and routine, exemplified by one particular pony.
The Title/Description: The title doesn’t really mean anything to me. If it’s a reference to something it is over my head. (The first I thought of was the Persephone from Grecian Myth, but that doesn't make any sense).
The description is functional and adequate. It is slightly contradicted by a minor point in the story, but that’s not really a big deal.
Genre(s): Slice of Life, Character Piece, Mood Piece, Serious Crack Shipping
What does this story do well?: This story’s first strength is its characterization. It characterizes Mrs. Harshwinny succinctly but effectively. It does this by making note of numerous small details. Things like referring to food as “mild” (with a positive connotation), being measured and maintaining appearances even during dinner with her spouse, and the lingering descriptions of the house. A series of little details can build up to paint a complete picture, and this story does a good job of that when it comes to Mrs. Harshwinny’s character.
Another way it characterizes Harshwinny is through her interactions with her spouse, Prim Hemline. The way she interacts with and describes Prim is muted, but still loving. Like the descriptions of the house, food, and routine, it all combines to create a solid picture of the character, without being too blunt about anything.
All this detailing and filigree gives the story a lot of verisimilitude. The story sells its ship and sells its mood. It feels grounded.
I also like the idea that married ponies share the same family name, even if it doesn't receive any explanation and contradicts the show. Maybe when two ponies get married they pick a name together and stick it on their current name? That'd certainly fit the tone of the show, if not the details.
Where could this story improve?: This story uses some awkward choices when it comes to construction and pacing. There is a lot of passive voice. Many sentences are phrased in a way that seems intentionally designed to make them as anemic as possible. Rather than using a direct internal monologue or italics, the story phrases Mrs. Harshwinny’s thoughts and observations in a very roundabout, disconnected way. There is also some very blunt pauses where the story note the appearance of particular things or characters.
This might be intentional, either to sell the mood or the character’s viewpoint, but it is a major contributor to the glacial pacing of the story. The story is only ~1,600 words long, but it seems to drag on. The tone, mood, pacing, and construction of the story all make it feel longer than it is. Things like the abundance of little details help characterization (as mentioned above), but they also rob the story of any sort of momentum or impetus. Things like Harshwinny’s asides give insight into her character, but they are phrased dully and further slow the story.
Finally, Prim Hemline doesn’t really do much or receive much characterization. This is to be expected, perhaps. After all, this is a story about Mrs. Harshwinny, and the viewpoint character is inevitably going to be better-characterized. It’s simply a matter of logistics and screen time. This also matches the idea that her stability is what forms the basis of their relationship. Yet given how important Prim is to Harshwinny’s characterization, her flatness contrasts greatly with all the detail given to Harshwinny.
In a single sentence: A story that presents romance and it’s characters very well, even if that means making them boring in the process.
Verdict: No vote. I once introduced a friend to It’s Blitz, an album by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Upon hearing the title track, she said it was the sort of music she could fall asleep to. She meant this as a compliment; the song was mellow, sold its mood, and she found that peaceful.
This story reminds me of that. It is not designed to tell a story or to entertain: it is designed to sell a mood. It certainly accomplishes that goal; it’s as slice-of-lifey as one can get. If one is looking for that, then I have no problem recommending this. Since that type of story isn’t for me, however, it’s not something that I had any strong feelings about.
Do you have any examples of this? I'm interested.
3708946 Examples;
It's the same as the difference between describing someone speaking (He yelled at the manager) and actually quoting/recording what they say exactly ("You are a scrawny asshole!" he said to the manager). The former is more disconnected/distant, while the latter is more immediate.
Like any stylistic choice, they each have their uses. I felt the constant use of it in this story, however, made the pacing and tone too monotonous.
3708957 So if I understand you correctly, 'She suspected Prim of buttering her up' lacks nuance and intimacy next so an alternative like 'Prim was probably buttering her up', and thus lends a more sterilised, formal air to proceedings, and too much of this flattens the impact of the narrative?
3709009 Yes. Though I would instead use something like: Prim is buttering me up, Harshwinny thought.
This puts the reader as close as possible to the character's thoughts. In this example, we are experiencing them directly, rather than having them described to us.
Now, again, this sterility and distance can have valid applications. Particularly for a character like Mrs. Harshwinny, who is sterile and distant. Particularly for this story, which seems to be going for a mellow, disconnected mood. When it comes to character pieces, however, I think that its use needs to be appraised carefully. A more direct connection to the characters and variation helps engage the reader, and I think this story was lacking reader engagement (for this and other reasons).
I apologize if I'm not explaining myself clearly enough, but it's obviously a bit of an abstract, subjective idea.
3709061 Oh no, it's perfectly clear. I just haven't know all that nay people to pass comment on it this way. I'm a huge fan of taking tight control over a third-person narrative this way.
Where we probably disagree is that, over time, I have found people too often use direct interior-monologue as a lazy way of telling information directly, rather than a more appropriate and more nuance method of showing it. Thesecret1 will probably have something to say on this topic, as we had very, very long and detailed discussions on the relative merits of it.
But in the end, the final analysis is always one of whether it worked for you as a reader, and in this case, it clearly didn't.
Thank you! :D
3709214 I generally find that about first person narration; it's often used as a shortcut to excuse tell-y or lazy writing. Like any writing technique, of course, being commonly used ineptly doesn't mean the technique is inherently bad.
3709271 The example was just an example; it's not meant to be an example of good writing, just to illustrate what I was talking about
One reason its hard to explain how the story sets that mood is because it uses lots of different stylistic touches to accomplish it. I used the phrasing to illustrate it because I think it and the passive voicing are the major contributors to it. You're right that said examples may not be the best, however. Like I said, it's a hard thing to describe.
As I mentioned, different stylistic quirks have their pros and cons. I'm not saying using these phrasing and constructions is wrong in this context, just that it didn't work for me.