Critique Review: Merry Hearth's Warming, Luna · 6:19pm Dec 9th, 2015
Oh, Mr. Groban… The things I would let you do to me.
… Are you done, fangirl?
You are simply jealous because you were not born with the voice of an angel.
Pfft, I could sing like that if I want to. … I just don’t want to.
That is the same excuse you give for not raising the sun every morning.
Well, I could, if Celestia gave me a chance.
And taking over Equestria?
Obviously, I could do that to.
And being a successful writer?
Shut up!
Hello, everyone. I am the Critique. It’s Hearth’s Warming time still!
The holiday that everypony loves. Celestia loves it, Computer loves it, Discord enjoys it, every pony seems to enjoy the festivities of giving to one another through the magic of friendship. Hell, even Luna finds a way to make the holidays work for her. And what better way to show that then in Merry Hearth’s Warming Luna by Foals Errand
Why spend more time on this holiday than I want to with an overly long introduction, let’s take a look at it.
Our story starts with Luna waking up from a long nap. Well, at least the story wasn’t rude and slept to us walking in.
There it hung in the sky; her gorgeous white orb drooping against the red and yellow dawn. Luna had always slept during the day,
Well, that explains this scene…
And bronies wondered why she never appeared in anything before that.
Luna prepares for the day, since she is trying to transition from a nocturnal creature to a creature of daylight. A transition that is proving difficult for her. However, she claims that she and Tia are closer than ever.
Not to mention that she actually gets to appear in more than just a quick cameo in the season 2 finale.
After shaking the water all over her bathroom, Luna beamed at herself in the mirror. Much better. Now that I’m clean, I’ll go and join Tia for breakfast before lowering the moon.
Yes, Luna, let’s tell ourselves what we’re going to do and then do it.
Luna goes down to breakfast while passing a few of the guards. Luna questions the purpose of her guards, since they are completely invulnerable.
Luna wanted to roll her eyes at the displays. She had heard Celestia’s reasoning for this several times over, but in Luna’s mind it boiled down to one thing: These mortals felt that her sister and herself were vulnerable.
Clearly it’s impossible to defeat Luna and Celestia in any situation. I mean, look at this scene where Celestia is clearly able to outdo her opponent.
Clearly Celestia is a master strategist.
She wondered idly how the guards would react if they were ever to see Celestia in battle. The thought made her snort back a giggle with a delicate sniff before she opened the door and stepped inside.
They would probably get their asses kicked by an entity that feeds off love and her little minions. But that could never happen. Also, this story only takes place after the episode ‘Hearth’s Warming Eve.’ Chrysalis hasn’t technically happened yet. Which still makes her disappearing act in the finale a tad off, but whatever.
Celestia explains that her guards are preparing their Hearth’s Warming tree in the other room and has invited Luna to hang up decorations with her. At first, Luna is enthralled with the idea. But then Luna hears the word ‘gift’ and she starts to panic. Ugh, another one of these ‘I forgot your gift’ stories. Yawn.
Okay, okay, these types of stories can be good, but honestly they’ve been done to death. They need to add something new in order to get much from me. Hopefully, this story can fulfill that promise.
After Celestia leaves, not without trying to persuade her sister to join the festivities, Luna follows her to see why Celestia is all about the holiday.
While Luna is spying on Celestia, we get this brief scene…
The guards nodded to each other and the tree stopped moving. They bowed their heads to Celestia, who grinned. “Oh come now! For just today can we not be equals? After all, Hearth Warming celebrates the three tribes coming together in friendship! Does it not?”
One unicorn glanced at the other who shrugged, before both of them removed their helmets, dismissing the enchantment upon them which revealed them to be two mares. One of a lemon yellow coat with a sky blue mane, and the other a dark blue with a silver mane. “As you wish, your highness.”
Celestia took the helmets in her magic, setting them aside. “I take it that calling me Celestia is out of the question?” She chuckled at the horrified looks she received and shook her head. “I thought so. After all, I can’t even get Twilight Sparkle to call me Celestia. Well, the tree is up, but there is still much to be done!”
I’m trying to find something wrong with this scene… Not because I think that the story is bad… at this point, but because I don’t believe the writers can capture Celestia’s personality. After all the stories I’ve read where she’s either an idiot or a sex tool, can you really blame me?
First, Pinkie Pie is written well and now Celestia? Truly, it is a Hearth’s Warming miracle!
Don’t get too used to those!
And then we … um… cut to Celestia’s point of view… with no indication of doing so? What?!
Luna watched, still safely hidden, as several boxes were discerned. Celestia opened the first one, revealing a green plant of some kind. It was a circle with what seemed to be small balls growing within it. So engrossed in this new plant was she that she failed to notice Celestia approach her hiding spot until it was too late.
Celestia hung up the wreath and smiled down at Luna who was her normal self once more. She had hoped Luna would follow to sate her own curiosity. Perhaps she could even entice her into helping. How best to do it though? Luna is still so nervous around other ponies. Think, Celestia! Think! Ah yes! Slowly she backed away seeing Luna’s attention on the boxes.
So, wait, is this story taking place from Luna’s point of view or Celestia’s? I know it’s third person, so there’s probably no rule that technically says you can’t do this, but it sure would make things easier if you did! I honestly got lost during this scene because I thought that Luna had snapped and talking about herself in the first person, but it's actually Celestia.
If you’re going to jump perspective in a third person story, fine. But could you at least give us a heads up?
Also, there is no other point in the story that it jumps from Luna to Celestia and then back to Luna again. It is just there to serve this one line. Could we not find another way of doing this without jumping heads? Describing Celestia’s face as Luna looks into her eyes. Like windows into her brain that is pumping a new idea into the white alicorn’s head.
Celestia spots Luna and asks her to help with the decorations. Luna helps rigging up the lights and helps hang up wreaths. How much fun can we have decorating the place?
You would not know, you have never done it.
And I don’t plan to.
After decorating, Celestia … somehow, convinces Luna to dress up as Rudolph with Celestia as Santa Clause.
Celestia opened her mouth to correct Luna but shook her head with a smile. “Say Luna? Would you be willing to do something silly with me?”
Luna cocked her head. She wasn’t certain what this ‘silly’ meant but if it was something Celestia wanted to do, it couldn’t be so bad. “Of course, ‘Tia. We would be overjoyed to perform this silly with thee.”
“We take it back, we art not overjoyed to do this silly!” Luna frowned, putting a hoof to her chin as the picture was taken. Celestia had convinced her to put on fake antlers and a red nose. While Celestia herself had tied on a white beard and placed a red stocking hat on her head. It had white fluff around the brim and a ball of white fluff at the very top.
Pfft… Okay, I admit… That was pretty funny.
And I hope you enjoyed that scene, because that’s all we get of it. I would say it was rushed, but it had to be there to be rushed first.
Luna spends the whole day trying to decide what the best gift would be to get her sister, but doesn’t manage to come up with anything. Except in a young girl’s dream… That we never see or even mentioned until this point, so…. here you go.
Luna goes down to their private quarters to spend Hearth’s Warming with Celestia. Luna says that she wants Celestia to be happy and thus that’s why she’s spending the holidays with her. Celestia is happy to be with her and hopes that she can enjoy the festivities as well.
*Ahem*
… I think this is supposed to mean something to me, but I don’t care enough to say it.
Celestia’s gift to Luna is actually a journal that Luna had been keeping before she became Nightmare Moon. Apparently, because I guess Celestia cares about her sister and wants her to have the best life she can have. Pfft, what a fucking loser!
Luna gives Tia the photo they took from earlier, only with a few additional arts and crafts touch.
Yeah, unfortunately I wasn’t able to find the modified image, but just imagine some seven year old arts and crafts around the project and you’ll get the idea.
And so our story ends with Luna and Celestia spending the season together as sisters.
This story is… average. I guess. But that’s just it… It’s not something left an impact on me.
The reason why I say it’s ‘just okay’ is because there’s not really that much substance to it. It’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but there’s just not a lot in the way of plot. And I’m not saying that every single story has to have a ‘fate of the world’ plot. But at least something would have been better than nothing.
I get the feeling that the story was supposed to focus more on Luna’s gift for Celestia, but it never really followed through on it very well. It just kind of glances over it with a single sentence and never really gives it a chance to develop into something causing intrigue.
The plot is a bit too simple in my opinion and doesn’t provide much suspense or even worry.
In a strange way, it has similar and yet different problems to last week’s review. Their Hearth’s Warming had the problem of not focusing on Applejack, but having an interesting idea for a plot that is never really built up.
This story has the focus properly on Luna and Celestia, but doesn’t have anything besides that. No plot, no intrigue, no dilemma or lesson to be reached by the end. Which makes me wonder what the point of all this was.
So, is there anything good?
Well, a lot of it came from the characters themselves. Luna and Celestia. They are both portrayed very well in this. To the point where you almost don’t notice the lack of plot to begin with.
If someone were to ask me what I think of Celestia and Luna and their relationship as sisters, this is kind of what I think. This is the best portrayal of the two as sisters I’ve read in a long time. I know that’s not exactly saying much because I purposely read bad fics, but trust me when I say, it’s really close to how I think of them in my own stories.
They’re very different, with Luna being more reserved, more out of fear of herself than anything, while Celestia is more outgoing, taking more risks because she’s seen the longer lifespan and lost many. She knows how to live for the moment.
That being said, they are very similar as well. They both want what is best for their ponies and for each other. And it shows when Celestia wants Luna to be more involved and Luna wants to not let her sister down. The two complement each other well as sisters and this story does a good job at showing why.
The strength of the story comes from these two characters, not because of a conflict. With that said, there’s not much to this story without it either. The characters are all it has. And as much as I love the characters, they aren’t interesting if nothing is happening.
It’s like watching home movies about a party where absolutely nothing goes wrong. You only watch them for the memories and while this story is adorable at doing that, as escapist fiction, it doesn’t have much to offer.
It’s funny because I was almost considering giving a thumbs up, despite that. And then I thought about it some more and decided that there wasn’t anything there that I haven’t seen in holiday stories. Now, sometimes that can be just fine, but this seems like the bare minimum of effort went into the story parts of it.
If you are okay with not much substance and just want to see Celestia and Luna be cute, there is that. But for the rest of us, I’d like a little something more.
Have a good day, guys.
Uh, Computer... are you okay?
Well, I'm the one with the spaceship... we'll see how that goes for you.
Hey, I do it all the time... It gives the voices something to talk about.
Well, not every story has to be ground breaking, and not every story has to be a steaming load. Though, it is nice that you've only had to deal with average stories instead of really bad ones... probably a mercy considering what you're going up against next month.
Yeah, holiday stories can be tricky beasts from what I've read. Like you said, you've got to bring something new to it for it to actually matter. It can still be fine and dandy as far as cuteness or humor goes (and this applies across all forms of holiday media) if it has no substance, but it's not going to actually matter. Even certain fluff I've read on Fimfiction still told a story that mattered more for other reasons; the one that immediately comes to mind is a Nightmare Night trick-or-treating one-shot I read for a Poniverse contest starring Celestia and Luna. It was complete fluff in every sense of the word, and very similar in that all they really did was trick-or-treat, but it still mattered to me more than this could because they were fillies, so it was simultaneously a look at what they could've been like as kids (even if it's not my head canon that they belonged to established royalty when they were younger, but that's beside the point). Point is, that circumstance created an interesting element of the story. This just sounded like stuff happening that one would completely expect, without anything to actually care about.
As a quick aside, the Royal Guard thing weirded me out. I know that some authors like to not just joke about the Guard all looking the same but to actually explain it, but I really don't like it when people do try to explain it. My thought is when you try to explain why they all look similar in the show, you're just going to come up with very convoluted explanations that don't make much sense. Why oh why would Celestia have her military go out of its way to enchant all of the armor so that it made all of the suited guards appear not just to be the same white or grey shade... but also all stallions? That's so completely unnecessary it hurts my head trying to justify. If you want mares in the guard, just have them be mares in the guard; an enchantment and stipulation like that makes no sense whatsoever. But that's just me.
I will say, the few visual details you shared from this did not particularly impress me. You know from reading my stuff I love me some richly detailed scenes, and the ones you shared just seemed like... eh. The grammar itself wasn't bad or anything, but this is the holidays we're talking about, everything in a place like Canterlot Castle should feel warm, and vivid, and like it's going to make me want to curl up on the couch next to a fire with a warm cup of hot cocoa. This:
Does not really make me feel anything, and that's DESPITE knowing what cute picture it's referencing! All I get from this is that the author knows how to tell me what a Santa hat and beard looks like, not actually make me care that Celestia is dressed like this. Considering I've only read your review and the snippets you provided from this, it might sound like I'm being nitpicky, but I'm just trying to reiterate what you said. Holiday stories have been done to death and it takes some real effort to make something that's not just superficially cute or funny, but really makes you feel something. This just doesn't seem to do that from the way you described it. Like you said, it's like watching a holiday home movie, except it's not even your own family. Thanks for the lovely review, 'twas quite enjoyable to read!
Well, I see my little fic got a review! I love those always fun to read. Yeah this was just a sweet and adorable story of Luna's first holiday home and i'm quite proud you think I what was the quote?
And yeah it was basically home movies without a video camera. Have a great day!
What, you don't narrate your entire life?
3606186 Thank you for reading the review and taking the time to answer to it. I really do appreciate it.
I hope I get to read more of your works in the future. I'd really love to see what other interesting stories and characters you can come up with. Until then, have a great day.
3606634 No, I do not! I say as I type in the words on my keyboard in hopeless denial.
Who said that? I ask myself, not realizing that there is a second voice in my head. One who is really annoying.
3605766 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! For a while, I was on the fence about giving this a thumbs up just because of Celestia and Luna. Because they were done well. And it was a holiday special. Maybe I should have been more lenient with it, but to be honest, it didn't leave much of an impact on me.
Anyway, thank you for commenting and I hope to hear from you soon. Until then, take care.
3605654
Oh... Mr. Groban... I can be your cuddle buddy any day.
Yeah, considering what I've got lined up for next month... Probably should be giving these guys more leniency.
I think he already is.
Speaking of witch, I know I can be a bit of a scrooge about Christmas, I must admit is does inspire some good music. That is for those that happen to like that kind of music, and I do.
And I think we can all use something a little Hearth’s Warming. Well, I know I could.
Again!
I swear, it seems some don't even watch the show. How many time has Celestia been defeated, and Twilight had to save the day? I can count the moments on more than one hoof.
OK. Good point, however Celestia was defeated by her younger sister in battle, and Celestia had to use stronger magic to win. If she didn't, there is a good chance Celestia be dead, or imprisoned if she survived the fight.
I would say, Luna is stronger than Celestia. I don't think becoming Nightmare Moon made her stronger than she already was. To me the form change was more of a change in character. After all, she is the only one of the two sisters that can control the dream world, and she did create an entity she felt even her sister could not defeat. That is power right there. Still this is just all a big guess from me.
Like start up ship fics.
And "I am God to you fools!," type of stories.
Well, the latter ones are not so good.
I did not find something wrong, for say, with it, but this is the second story I saw that had magical armor that made mares look like stallions. I personally don't like that idea. It is to me sexiest. It make it seem like stallions can only look tough and intimidating, and mares need magic to look tougher. Tell that to the adult dragon Fluttershy made cry.
It's still nice to enjoy the moment. Wile it lasts.
Oddly enough I didn't get lost. It did look like it was from Celestia's point of view to me. Maybe I am just odd like that.
One of the hints to me was the sentence started with Celestia, and the second said "She," and the third "Perhaps she could even entice her into helping." Implying to me that it was all from Celestia's point of view, but that's just me.
OK, that could have made it confusing.
Trust me, you are not missing much. And this is form one that has to empty out over 25 large 2x,3x,5x boxes full of ornaments each year. It looks nice after, but what a drag doing it.
The only thing I could see Luna being happy about this, is for her to see possibly how much happier she is now then she likely was before, and it would have been written how miserable she was before her change into Nightmare Moon. Not exactly what I would call fond memories to reflect on during the holidays. But what do I know. I rarely give truly sentimental gifts.
So, it is over???
Yes, I was expecting the story to get back to that part. Mostly after Celestia gave her gift to Luna. Might have thought that would have struck a cord with Luna that she has yet to get something for her sister.
I would not call that making the story bad, just missing something that the reader might feel was important, as I did.
I could live with that.
But I do tend to like the simple things, almost as much as the dramatic. Just depends on what it is. I feel I might actually like this story.
It also seem to be a little like how I made them out to be within my very first story with them in it. But I think this story possibly did a better job than I did with mine.
At least one reader liked how I made them in it.
I have been accused of showing a lack of substance before. Who knows, maybe this story will appeal to me. I think I said before that I like the simple things anyways.
3605654
You too!
Why, What is next month? Or should I ask?
I definitely feel I am missing out on something here.
3605766
It did for me as well. Story wise, I guess it is OK. But I didn't care for it. Personal preference.
No, it is not just you. I though much the same, be it a little different.
That is what I had hoped for within my stories. To get the reader to feel "Something!", seemed the most some felt was regret in reading them.
But, at least a few did like them. So not a total loss.
3606186
Cool! Yes, it dose seem nice to have a story where one can enjoy the characters in them, even if they are just being casual. Far better then those that kill the experience by representing those in it poorly. And I don't mind short and simple for a story. I made at least two that are short and simple, myself.
3608429
Well, best to be honest about these things. Any witter that cares for their story would likely appreciate it, as it seems Foals Errand did.
3608438
Now I really feel like I am missing something.
Oh' good review by the way. I do think I might like this story. Just for the simple fluff.
3609121
Mykanuary
3609770
No.
I might have to skip that month. Not that I don't think it will be funny, but a whole month of that guy, I think I will pass.
As for ships are concerned with MLP I prefer the one with Big Mack, and Marble Pie. And it looked like Pinkie was purposely trying to set them up, for being so much alike. But that is just how I saw it.
Also a google search into Pinkie's family, google brought up links specifically on Big Mack, and Marble Pie. Though as google tailors searches to each user to a point, others might get a different result.
Even with all that I would not begrudge those that thought Big Mack and Limestone Pie should be a pare, even if I don't see the connection personally. Hell, for all I know that paring with Big Mack, and Marble Pie might have been a one time thing on the show, and nothing more might become of it. And even if it does, it still does not mean others can't enjoy any other paring within their own stories.
This Mykanuary Guy, as the Critique put it, is like a six year old who just needs to grow up.
As for him mot wishing to take any criticism, there has been a few I had not wished to take from others, such as one telling me I don't know adult writing, even though I did not make my writing specifically adult in nature, it just had some questionable content that I felt I had to have marked as adult. That comment he gave, that my story was not adult, was not bad, in of itself. It made me think he did not read the story though.
But mixed with extra comments like I am a lonely miserable person with no friends and needs to know how to talk to others in order to makes friends, and my story is the equivalent of shitting into a bowl and calling it art. I told him that's his opinion, and I don't agree with it. He was not happy that I did not agree and told me, (I am not using his exact words) that his words are not just an opinion, and that he is one who would know. It was all a little much to me, in full context of all his words to me. And the guy was clearly talking nonsense to me, if he thinks he knows my personal life. I felt the guy was being a troll, and I told him so. He did not like that either. Oh, well.
There was far more to this I am currently not getting into. I am just saying it is one thing to take some criticism from a person, mostly constructive criticism. It's another to expect a person to put up with another persons crap from another. All just because one wises to exerciser that little thing called free speech to others, in any way they wish, without enduring any reprisal for it, as if one did nothing wrong. It seems like something this Mykanuary Guy needs to learn himself, as well as a few others I have come across. Harassing others, and getting followers to do the same, over a cartoon shipping is childish to me. If the Critique wishes to bash this guy for being a twat, more power to him. But I might skip that month, it's just not my thing.
What is my thing, is that Digimon cartoon. Humm... A wile back. I have not seen it for some time. I saw most of the first show, missed most of the second, but have recorded on DVD all of the third, including some of the movies. As far as favorites, Mine was Renamon in the third show. In the second show, I though Black War Graymon was sick. That is, quite a powerhouse. He was one of my favorites in the second show, even though he did not show until much latter.
I also got the Nintendo adventure game on Digimon. Don't ever get it. It was as if the game was made by those that did not even like Digimon, and the game was made quite annoying. You waste your money getting it.
3613026 I can respect that. And I know that people can be dicks on the Internet; it's that veneer of anonymity that allows people to be truly nasty. Heck, I slide into that at times whenever I do a review of something I don't like. The guy who you had the conversation with sounds a lot like a troll, and dealing with trolls sucks.
The best advice I can give is not to bite. It's really hard, but it usually pays off. Reply to the comments that say "Your story needs a little work in these areas" and avoid the ones that say "ur story sux!!! You suck!!!", and you'll go far. Mykan himself has been on both sides of the argument, trolling those that don't support the ships he likes while getting defensive at anything that isn't worship of his "awesome" writing skills. Though he goes a bit further than most people responding to trolls; instead of just getting angry, he tries his best to metaphorically kill the person who criticized him (this is the guy that had Cadence miscarry because she had the gall to have a happy marriage, and thinks that friendship and trust is for losers). People have tried to help him for the last ten years or so, but he refuses to change.
I know this isn't much, but I hope it helps in some way.
3613257
No, it's a lot, for so few words.
Actually that is great advice!
I made the mistake of trying to reason with this guy, only for him to get even more obnoxious with each new set of his comments to me.
In the end I deleted the hole conversation. Possibly not the best solution, but it has been done.
Again, great advice. And I try to. Not everyone likes my replies though.
I could ask if you did see the Critique's review on one of my stories, but I see you did.
In light of everything said about it. I very much liked the review, and very much considered many of the other comments everyone else gave. Though I should have posted my own comments about that under the review, rather than in spideremblembrony's mane page. Would have made a lot more sense if I did.
None of what was said made me upset (I was a bit surprised, yes.
But far from upset. 
), The comments made me rethink what I did in the story instead. This might give a guess at what kind of comment's (or lack of good and/or helpful ones) might actually piss me off to a point.
That is a horrible thing for him to say. I do spend most of my time alone, but that is by choice. I would never tell others to not have friends or make meaningful relationships, do to my own very personal choices in life.
Now a story having Cadence miscarry to have a tragedy in a story is okay by me, so long as it is for the sake having such a great tragedy for the story to partly revolve around that subject. But to have it in a story just to spite a loving relationship, is to me in bad taste.
Much as I told the one who written 'Derpy's Finest Hour', it's not the cruel death that was given to Derpy in the story I did not like. As I am sure you know, disturbing things is an interest of mine.
It was the message behind it I did not like. If it was done by an unknown group of ponies that were disturbed (Really fucked in the head already.) and hateful ponies, or others of the like, that killed Derpy in the way they did, and created a real story behind all of that, it might have been OK to me. I gave my dislike to the story because he used the town of known ponies in a hate bashing of Derpy. Just to make his point, hate bashing Derpy is OK, and should be done. That I did not like.
That is much of what I thought, and mostly why I think I will skip next month. But after, Oh' boy!