Mykanuary: Davis and Kari: A WEDDING STORY · 6:06pm Jan 7th, 2015
IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! IT’S FINALLY HERE!
Sir, what is here?
The best time of the year! The greatest month in all of Equestria!
Sir, we just had Hearth’s Warming.
Oh, this is even better than Hearth’s Warming! This is the golden month of my life! The month I have been waiting for for an entire year! A comedy reviewer’s gold mine of jokes! It’s…
MYKAN MONTH!
Mykan Month?
Yes, Mykan Month! The one time of my life where I dedicate an entire month to the ever growing insanity that is Mykan!
Ah, Dakari King Mykan, what is it about you that makes you so lovably despicable?
Well, to answer that question, we must travel back to a simple time, before bronies existed. Yes, a scary time to be sure.
While most of the information I could find on Mykan was on a website that I will not be giving an address to, I’m not sure how much is accurate because of my limited amount of time actually dealing with Mykan.
Though I will be mentioning my brief moments with him during the course of the month. However, let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if half of what I’ve read is true.
Mykan is a fanfiction writer of the worst caliber. Not because his stories are bad. Although don’t get me wrong, they are. Really bad. Really, really bad. But because he is so obsessed with himself that he thinks he is never in the wrong and cannot be challenged. Anyone who thinks differently is automatically evil. He feels betrayed by anyone who disagrees with him and does not worship him. He has the maturity of a 6 year old when it comes to criticism, even going so far to call someone who gives criticism and I quote “a moron”
Now, this is in response to a video review I did on his crappy story. Now, I don’t want you all to get riled up and attack Mr. Mykan! That’s not why I’m here! Besides, I call myself worst things than ‘moron’ on a weekly basis! The point I’m trying to get across here that Mykan doesn’t take criticism well. I’m sure I’m not the first critic to be called ‘moron’ by Mr. Mykan and with any luck I’ll be called even worst things.
I’m too happy about that, aren’t I?
He often writes about shows that he enjoys. Well, I say ‘enjoys’, but in his own words, he writes them to ease the pain he feels when watching the show.
See, the thing about Mykan is that he hates change. He refuses things to change and wants them to always stay in the same situation they’ve always been. Whether this is because of fear or hatred, is really unclear, but the fact is, Mykan hates change. So, anything that is different or growing is automatically bad in the eyes of Mykan.
The most prime example I will get into later this month.
But where are we going with this? Well, I’m glad you asked because there is a show that causes Mr. Mykan quite a bit of grief. Digimon!
Ah, Digimon! So many childhood memories come flowing back to me! I loved this show as a kid! The giant monsters battling other monsters, the deep storylines, the compelling characters! It was a quality show! Was it the best out there? No, but I’d like to think that there definitely some quality if you looked hard enough. It wasn’t just a big brawl of giant monsters, though that did help. It was about a group of friends working together to save the world, with brawls of giant monsters!
Yes, I like giant monsters fighting each other! Get over it!
Now, I admit, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually sat down and watched Digimon. So, my memory isn’t exactly the best when looking at it. Fortunately, for me, we live in an age where people smarter than me have done full reviews of the seasons of Digimon, such as JesuOtaku.
If you haven’t seen her videos yet, go check them out. She got some good videos before she retired.
But I’m getting off topic, Digimon is a tad confusing show. So, I’ll try to briefly explain. Digimon is about a group of kids who end up traveling to a world of cyberspace called the Digital World. This world is inhabited by strange creatures made completely of data called Digimon that can grow and become stronger by interacting with humans. Mainly children.
These children are what are called ‘Digi-destined.’ Yes, they used a lot of ‘Digi’ puns. ‘Digi-volve’ ‘Digi-vice’ etc.
These children bond with their Digimon companion to battle evil Digimon to save the Digital World and the real world.
That’s the cliff notes version. So, where does Mykan fit into all this? Well, in series 2 of the series, two characters stuck out in the mind of Mykan. Kari, the resident Mary Sue of the show. And Davis, the main protagonist of Series 2 and a guy who is as dumb as a sack of rocks, however, not to the point of unlikeable. Well, not completely.
It was hinted that two might be interested in each other. And by ‘hinted’ I mean, Davis had a thing for Kari, but Kari wasn’t into him. So, the attractions were never really there. Hell, even the show itself lost interest in this school crush after a few episodes, dropping like a bowling ball on Mykan’s foot.
Now, Mykan wasn’t too happy about that, since he thought they were Digi-destined to be together. Ha, ha, ha… Okay, my only Digi joke for this review. I promise.
Thus, where his name comes from ‘Dakari’. Someone who ships Davis and Kari. On the other side of the coin, another character who Kari had a much closer relationship in the show named TK was a part of the team. While it was never romantic, they were much closer because they had known each other for years.
These were called ‘Takaris’. Mykan didn’t like Takaris and waged a war on them. He flamed everyone on Fanfiction.com who shipped Takari and had his followers do the same, getting many of them banned from the website.
Now, there are rumors that state that this never happened, but based on Mr. Mykan past historical actions, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that this did happen. He would later return to ask the two shippers to get along, though he would state that his shipping was better in every way.
Hypocrisy much?
Now, you’re probably all wondering what my standpoint on all this is. And you know what? I don’t really fucking care! Like I said I was too interested in the big monster fights! A show that had a giant lizard shooting fire from his mouth!
A phoenix that could shoot meteors from its wings!
And Digimon equivalents of the Devil, Dracula and Kefka from Final Fantasy 6!
Was a tad distracting!
So, he continues to whine about how this couple never happened and how it should have happened, and Wah, wah, wah!
But showing, as I’ve stated repeatedly, is better than telling, and what better way to see what kind of a man Mykan is than through his writing, since most of the characters he writes are just mouthpieces for his own beliefs. That was proven with the Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn and it’s sure to hold true in today’s story.
So, let’s start our month off with A Wedding Story: DAVIS AND KARI by Dakari King Mykan and I welcome all of you to the first ever Mykan Month!
Not exactly the most creative title.
Well, what would you call it? Mykanuary? … Actually, that’s not bad. Write that one down.
Kari was no longer the young child of light she once was, she was almost a full-grown woman, she was 22
She had a breast size of Double D.
Probably wouldn’t help at this point.
she was in college and…she had a boyfriend.
She was a Digi-destined. She was a 4.0 student. She was the one girl who really liked Taco Bell.
Yeah, the first sentence really starts off like a documentary. It just says ‘she was this.’ and ‘she was that’. God, I’m almost missing the old days of when stories just said ‘The sky was blue over Ponyville.’
I SAID ALMOST!
No, it wasn't TK
This is a Mykan story, TK is the villain in this story and not just a friend who could be happy for them. Don’t believe me! Well, here’s a choice pic from Mr. Mykan about his thoughts on Takaris as a whole.
Yeah, he’s not bias, isn’t he?
God, that would be like people fighting and arguing over who is the best pony! … Wait, people do that… Never mind. Bad example.
So the story continues with the biography of the characters, including Davis, who wanted to open up a noodle stand. Way to go for ambition there, buddy. But hell, as long as he’s happy, I guess I shouldn’t judge him. At least, he’s achieving his dream.
Kari and Davis start dating during her years of college. I guess, his career doesn’t exactly need a higher education. And why would it? In the show, apparently, his noodle business was a huge success and earned him lots of money and a booming business.
It’s canon. It’s apparently canon.
And Davis uses his vast wealth to send them both to the finest college in the world. Look, I know that Kari is going to grow up to be a teacher by the end of the shows standards, but why the hell does Davis have to do everything? This doesn’t make Kari seem like the independent character from the show. It makes her seem like she can’t even cross the street without some big strong man by her side!
Oh, but I’ll get into that more down the road. Trust me; it’ll be worth the wait.
Also, why does Davis need college? Wouldn’t college be a waste of time for him? He’s already successful and he’s doing what he dreamed of doing! What more could he possibly want from life?
Oh, he ends up sharing a dorm with Kari! Now it all comes together! He wants Kari’s sweet ass! Not an unfounded desire, if I do say so myself.
They even slept in the same bed together, but even though it was tempting, they decided not get all pushy-pushy.
They were both loyal to their virginities.
Oh, god… He’s going to write sex later in this story, isn’t he? God, this is going to be a miserable experience, isn’t it?
Still, with So much money, and so many possibilities, but Davis seemed to only be using the money to spoil his girlfriend.
Hr bought her really expensive gifts. Such as expensive Jewelry,
How monotonously monotonous!
“All the things a girl could want.” said Kari. “Davis, you spoil me.”
The moral of the story, kids. Money can buy love! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this next sentence!
Davis, who was 23, just snickered. “I know I do.” He said looking into her eyes. “My job is to get you what you want.”
“If you want to become a preschool teacher, I will make it so that you will.” He went on. “You want me to save the world; I'll save it all right.”
Kari hushed Davis with a kiss, and when they separated, “and I'm glad for it too” she said.
Material possessions! Who needs actually chemistry and legitimate love for one another when you can just buy your way into a woman’s heart!
Clearly, I used the Naked Gun clip too early.
So, they graduate, and they spend their night in New York. I have no idea why they are in New York and not in Japan, but I guess when you are the most wealthy noodle owner in the world, after a FUCKING YEAR, you can just afford a plane ticket for two from New York to Japan, stay there for several years to earn the degree necessary for teaching, and somehow still maintain your business.
First fucking chapter and I’m already at 1000 words of review! Jesus Christ, this is stupid!
So, after that, they go through a romantic night together. This would be romantic if we spent more than half a sentence at each event they attend. This is literally how their date goes.
They went to see a romantic play, followed by a romantic dinner for two and dancing, took a stroll through park, and finally, they rode to the top of the tallest building in town.
Oh, yeah. You can just feel how well these two mix together. About a good as mixing bleach and vinegar.
The view was just breathtaking.
The soft roaming hills, and buildings as far as the eye could see, the stars were shining like crystals in the night sky, and the moon was full and bright.
Not exactly breathtaking, but these are some of the few decent lines I’ll give this story. Well, at least by the story’s standards. Enjoy them while you can, because there’s more stupid on the way.
So, Davis proposes to Kari and then says something completely idiotic!
“Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Please say yes, for you'll make me another one of the happiest men in the world.
Well, way to put the pressure on her, asshole! Geez, I know Davis in the show said some pretty stupid things, but come on! He can’t be this dense!
But Kari doesn’t find this rude at all. Of course, she doesn’t.
Kari threw her arms around Davis neck, and kissed him hard.
And then she ripped his tongue out of his head.
“Oh Davis, this is most romantic night of my life!” cried Kari,
Yeah, thanks for telling us that, rather than, you know, showing us! I know I’m a broken record, but dear lord, I just want to be shown shit! Is that too much to ask?!
“Oh Davis” cried Kari, “Yeas, I'm listening.” Davis answered.
I thisth Davisth isth having a listhp issthue!
The next day, Kari and Davis had packed up all their things, and bid farewell to all their college buddies.
What?! De, bu! Rum! Huh?! What college buddies?! We never saw any college buddies! As far as we know, the only people they interacted with was each other! Are these just people in their imagination?! Or are they talking about their Digimon?! Those aren’t college buddies!
If you’re going to tell us something, at least have it make sense!
They were going home after 3 whole years of college in America.
What the hell?! Are you saying that he started his noodle stand when he was 18?! Two years later, he’s 20, when they actually start college?! And three years pass?!
He started his noodle stand at the age of 18?! How the fuck did he accomplish that?! Where did he get the finances?!
You know, what if I have to nitpick this entire point, I’ll be here all day! Moving on!
So, they get on Davis’s private plane. Yeah, apparently, Davis is now Tony Stark, where this line happens.
But Kari and Davis were in the master bedroom, located at the back of the plane. Kari and Davis were already in their pajamas and ready for bed.
Oh, god! IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT HAPPENS?! I’M NOT MENTALLY READY!
Before going to bed Davis had called His older sister Jun, and Kari's older brother Tai telling them to meet at the airport tomorrow at 8:00am sharp.
Oh, good. Crisis averted.
Tai and Jun were never happier to hear their younger siblings were coming home at last. True they did write and call every now and then, but it just wasn't the same.
Davis and Kari missed their older siblings. Especially knowing, Tai and Jun got married just a little while ago.
Eh… What? So, let me explain this for those of you who haven’t seen the show. Jun, Davis’s older sister, has never shown any interest in Tai, Kari’s older brother! First off, she was into another character, but she gave up on him when it became clear that he was into another girl! Then she went for another boy, and it sure as fuck wasn’t Tai!
How is it that the guy who doesn’t remember that much about Digimon can do a quick Google search on the characters and find inconsistencies?!
How are they married?! Why are they married?! Why do these characters suddenly have romantic feeling for one another?! Fuck if I know! The story doesn’t bother to tell us!
And then we get Mykan jerking off to Davis.
Don’t believe me? Read this…
The thing was, when graduation came, people realized that she was Jun Motomiya.
The older sister of Multi-Billionaire, Noodle-king, not to mention the most powerful Digi destined in the world; Daisuke Motomyia.
The people of the college school board were so honored, that they already gave Jun a Doctor's rate, even though she was supposed to start out as a nurse.
And it goes on like this for several paragraphs, stating ‘How awesome Davis is.’ And ‘How much cooler he is than you’ and ‘How much Kari should get inside his pants’.
Jesus fucking Christ, how much masturbating to this idiot can you do in one chapter?! Yeah, I’m still on fucking chapter one!
And another thing that bothers me here, we mention that Tai becomes a diplomat on his own accord. He does everything himself. Jun, however, can’t even get her degree to become a fucking doctor without her little brother. Without a male! Fuck! Are you serious?! … Nope… Nope, I’m saving it. Saving it for later.
And another thing! Why would doctors just give a medical degree to someone just because they were related to a powerful person?!
That’s really fucking stupid! Again, it’s not Jun doing this on her own as an independent person, but as someone who can’t do anything… Nope… Save it for later, Critique… Save it for later…
Oh, god. I finally made it through the first chapter. Can I stop now?
The plane starts to land when the pilot gives me a saving grace…
“This is your pilot speaking. We hope you had a pleasant trip, in a few moments we shall begin our descent at Obadiah airport!”
“So please fasten you seat-belts, and No Smoking, Thank you!”
Well, she didn’t say anything about drinking, so bottoms up! The only way this would have been better is if the pilot had said…
Good morning, this is your captain speaking. I just wanted to let all our passengers know that we are experiencing engine trouble. And by engine trouble, I mean our engine is on fire and causing us to plummet to the ground at a high speed in which none of us will survive. Hope you all have a pleasant four seconds of your lives. Thank you for flying Air-Critique. Have a nice…
Kari and Davis were so excited, that they looked outside the window. Japan never could have looked so pretty from way up in the sky.
It was as beautiful as the Beauti-flors. What’s that? You don’t know what they look like. Well, since Mykan was too lazy to tell us what they looked like, I’ll show you.
Anyway, they get off the plane and make their way to the rest of the airport where they meet up with Tai and Jun.
The pair of couples shared a warm series of welcome-home hugs, and then switched to their in-laws. Davis and Tai even did an up-high down-low boy routine.
Followed by the too slow. To which I can say the same about this story.
So, Tai and Jun take the pair to their favorite morning buffet. However, it is clear to Davis and Kari that the two are hiding something. Well, I’m glad it’s clear to them, instead of the fucking audience! You know, the people who are reading the damn story! Don’t you think you should make it obvious for them to figure out that something odd is going on! You don’t have to tell us what is going on, but at least have it make sense how we reached that conclusion!
They don’t act any differently to how they would normally act! So, how the hell are we supposed to know that something is up?! How are the characters?! You are giving characters information that they couldn’t possibly have!
We get to the buffet and there is something that I have to address. The spacing between who is talking in this story is terrible. Sometimes each of the characters get their own paragraph. Which is fine. However, sometimes characters share paragraphs with other characters who are talking! There should be a new paragraph every time a new person speaks! I know this is a small thing compared to what we are yet to face, but it is still worth mentioning!
The group sits down and while the gentlemen grab their meals, the girls have this little conversation.
“I can't believe you actually did that.” giggled Kari, “You better believe it.” said Jun.
Jun had been talking with Kari about how she had almost blackmailed Tai into sleeping with her.
… … …
“Of course he knew I was only joking about t he blackmail,” said Jun, “But he looked as though as if I was serious.”
… That’s not funny, you sick fuck.
I mean, really?!
Blackmail?!
Is this how Jun managed to get Tai to marry her? By blackmail?! That has to be it! That’s the only way that would make sense! … And that would actually make for a much better story than this! Will that be touched up on? Of course not! The story is not that clever!
“Davis?” asked Kari, “Did you know your sister nearly blackmailed Tai to sleeping with her!”
“I sure did.” said Davis.
Um… What the fuck?! Why is Kari laughing at this?! This is pretty fucked up shit! Also, isn’t Davis usually the one who is left out of the loop out of sheer stupidity?
Oh, I forgot. This is Mykan’s version of Davis where he is a messiah. He’s never wrong, knows everything, is successful at everything and anyone who disapproves of him is clearly evil.
Could we all just pretend I reviewed it and I get to cut my losses here? Could we all do that, please?
“You told Matt, that you wouldn't tell his big secret unless he dated you…Now need I say more?”
Wait, so this girl not only blackmailed Tai, but also a kid named Matt? … How fucked up is this girl? Also, ‘unless he dated you’? So, Matt wanted her to tell his secret but she wouldn’t? Then why not tell it yourself, asshole!
So, Davis accidently let’s slip that they are getting married and … the way the narration put it, I think this is supposed to be an intense moment where Tai and Jun are supposed to build up that they might be against it, but… Why? There is no reason why Tai and Jun would be against it. Fuck, they are already related to each other, technically! Why would this be a dramatic moment for the story?! Is this supposed to invoke the Romeo and Juliet trope? Dude, that works because they are a different family! Or at the very least, have a good fucking reason why their families won’t let them be together! They are technically the same family! … Would this count as incest?
The point is, this big tense moment that you are trying to build up is unjustified and serves to only waste our time!
Tai and Jun express their happiness towards Davis and Kari getting married. Davis and Kari start making out and when the turn to Tai and Jun, they find out they are gone.
What the hell? They didn’t hear them get up and walk out! What, did Tai and Jun get beamed up the U.S.S Enterprise or something?!
Kari felt her anger in her brother disappearing as she lent over, and kissed Davis softly.”
Yeah, I can just feel the anger coming off her! Can’t you?! Can you feel the anger?! CAN’T YOU JUST FEEL HOW ANGRY SHE IS BY THAT SENTENCE?! CAN YOU?! CAN YOU FUCKING FEEL IT?!
Huff… Thank you, Computer.
You are quite welcome, sir.
So, chapter three starts with our two leads making out. Meanwhile, someone breaks into their home, through their front door which I guess wasn’t locked, and steals the keys to their apartment. You know, you guys must be very trusting if you guys leave your doors unlocked comfortably.
Also, Davis, you are a freaking multi-billionaire! Why the fuck are you living in an apartment, when you probably have a mansion?!
Kari decided they just couldn't go home yet. The day was young, and Davis had loads of cash to spare.
My only hope for this story is that Davis becomes broke by the end of it due to him blowing money carelessly and his business going under and we see him and Kari dying in the streets of hunger or turning to crime. At least then I could have Bonnie and Clyde story.
Don’t know who those are? Look them up!
They arrive back at their place, where they discover their keys are missing. The door has a sign on it that says,
GO TO YOUR SIBLINGS HOUSE!!!
Geez, you don’t have to yell! What is this? The Royal Canterlot Signature?!
So, Davis and Kari go to where Jun and Tai live in a very nice house that Davis paid for. Because Davis is Jesus. No, I’ve got it! Davis is the Grand Ruler.
I’m not kidding, guys! This is just Davis as the Grand Ruler before the Grand Ruler even existed. This is exactly how Mykan views himself. He can do no wrong and he has the power of the universe. Where in the Grand Ruler’s case it was actual dominance over a kingdom, Davis is his wealth.
I would not be surprised if Davis ended up growing three horns on his head by the end of this! That is how freakily similar they are!
They enter a house with all the lights shut off. Gee, I hope this isn’t a surprise party or anything, shortly after they announced they were getting married. I sure am wondering why the lights are out. I’m pretty sure there is no one else…
“SURPRISE!!!” they all yelled out at once.
AHHHH! Ha, ha, ha! You guys got me! You really, really got me! Ha, ha, ha. Now, I’ve got a surprise for you all.
I HATE SURPISE PARTIES! I HATE THEM!
So, they have a big party celebrating the new couple and this story is still going. Only chapter three guys. This is easily becoming the longest review I’ve ever done and nothing has happened. Dear lord, this story is dumb.
Kari did the same with Yolei, and she and Davis noticed her stomach was a little larger.
“Ken?” said Davis, “You didn't!”
Well, that was damn insensitive, you little prick! They’re married! They can bang and have kids whenever the fuck they choose! I don’t think they have to go through you, Grand Ruler! Oh, I’m sorry, Davis! I forgot which story I was reading for a moment!
The party goes on with Davis telling ‘How awesome America was.’ And ‘How great his noodle company is’ and ‘How everyone should suck on his cock because he’s the greatest’! You can suck my cock, Davis! I know he’s a bit of a dimwit in the show, but he’s never been this unbelievably arrogant! And what’s worse?! Everyone is fucking okay with sucking his dick!
Dear lord, can we please move forward with the plot?! I would kill for something to be killed! Mainly, Davis!
Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Kiss!!!!” they all begged. Davis and Kari couldn't fight it, so they brought their lips together; the crowd went wild.
Why would they fight it?! That’s all they’ve been doing for the past two chapters! You could write a book on all the kissing they’ve done! Why would they fight something they’ve been doing for nearly the whole story?! Was it because there was a crowd there?! That didn’t seem to stop them from making out in the restaurant where they were in public!
Urgh! Anyway, the story then takes a break by giving us the long list of things that each of the characters will do at the wedding. This would be interesting if any of the characters were actually focused on, getting to know them a little bit better and exploring them, but unwritten law of Mykan fan fiction, unless your character is named Lightning Dawn, Beast Boy or Davis, you aren’t getting any screen time!
So, the wedding plans are made, with a large group of characters you don’t give a shit about, and Davis and Kari set their wedding date to April 15th.
Oh, god! You mean I have to wait 3 more months before I can finish this shitty ass story?! I won’t make it that long! I’ll be lucky if I can last another 3 minutes!
The story skips ahead several months, thank god! This story is long enough as it is.
The wedding day is upon them and as per ‘tradition’; the groom may not see the bride for 36 hours. If he does, bad luck will fall upon the relationship!
Oh, no! Not bad luck! We can’t have bad luck on this perfectly, amazing, flawless, stupendous relationship, that is better in every way than any other relationship ever!
That superstition was dead years ago! However, couples choose this because they feel it adds to the excitement and anticipation of seeing the other after what seemed like so long.
Davis and Kari were determined not to let that happen, and so far seemed to be good at those issues.
They never argued over anything, Davis was more than willing to let his own life go to help Kari.
Anything Kari liked, Davis learned to enjoy, and vice-versa, although Davis would rather do Kari's things only.
And here is where the biggest problem in this story arises from people. The relationship between Kari and Davis is so ungodly perfect, that there is no conflict in it and no compromising!
I’m sorry, that’s not how human relationships work! A strong relationship is not about not ever having an argument or not having a spout or disagreement! It is about remaining together, loving each other and respecting each other, DESPITE the disagreement!
And this story never goes that route! We never see the struggles that they have to endure! We never see the qualms that they go through! We never see them debating about what to do and the choices they make!
No, it’s just this paragon fantasy world of “Whatever you want, dear”! I’m sorry, that’s not how a relationship works! The phrase is “For better or worse. Through the good and the bad.” Well, life throws bad at you, people! It’s going to happen! Even if you find the right person for you and they are perfect in every way, bad happens! And when it does, a disagreement happens and conflict happens and you two argue!
But just because you argue, doesn’t mean that the relationship is over! It’s a test of how strong you are and how strong the love you have for one another is!
And that is why this relationship between Davis and Kari is so incredibly weak! I wouldn’t believe it for one moment that they could overcome a disagreement because they’ve never experienced it! Their love for one another has never been tested and never will be tested!
So, when I see Mykan preach something like this…
Davis and Kari were like the PERFECT-COUPLE, Nobody could find another pair like them not for a million years
All I have to say is that, nobody will find another pair like them in a million years, because they will never exist! This couple doesn’t exist! It will never exist! This kind of human being interaction, even with the two most perfect people on the planet, will never happen! Conflict happens! But conflict isn’t always bad! Conflict is a chance for change! Conflict is a chance for growth! And as we have established, Mykan hates conflict! Mykan hates change!
So, this PERFECT-COUPLE that you preach on about… is a joke. It’s a fucking joke.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah… suffering…
The day finally arrives where the … the groom and bride can’t see each other for 36 hours?! Haven’t we been through this plot point already?!
And our PERFECT-COUPLE are shocked by this. At least they have one thing in common; they both have the brains of a retarded slug.
Fortunately for them, they can still have their bachelor and bachelorette parties!
he promised Kari not to dance with any stripers or drink too much.
As if that was any easier, Davis didn't even like the smell of alcohol, much less drinking it.
Trust me, Davis, if you knew what story you were in, you’d be an alcoholic by the end of it. If you want to start now, I’ll introduce you to my AA sponsor.
Davis never drank nor smoked.
Because he is just so perfect! And don’t take me to saying that anyone who doesn’t drink or smoke is pompous. Nor does choosing to do so make you any less good. That is a personal choice that you make. But this story has to tell us that Davis is SO good, and SO pure, that he is just so amazing and we should all be like him and SCREW YOU, STORY!
Kari was looking forward to her girl's-night out too, she promised she wouldn't drink so much or dance with naked men either.
That too was easy, because she didn't like naked men who weren't like Davis.
I don’t know, Kari. I could probably give Davis a run for his money. After all, once you go green, you never go back!
I deserve that.
Kari couldn't wait drop her virginity, and take Davis on, but didn't tell him that.
Because if you’re a virgin, you’re a loser!
So, they get back to their apartment, because apparently mansions would be just too much, and the time has come to say goodbye.
“I wish you didn't have to Davis.” Kari cried, “I don't think I can stand to wait 36 hours for you.”
“I know we can do this Kari.” said Davis, “Just know, that I love you, and even if were apart, I'll always be with you.”
With how much time you two have spent together, I’m not surprised you guys would act like this. And yeah, I know that sometimes it’s hard to play this part for the wedding, but it’s not like anything bad is going to happen.
Kari closed her eyes and looked deeply inside of herself. “Farewell, my Knight-of Courage.” She said to herself.
“You have done many remarkable deeds.”
Then she went inside, and got ready for bed.
We found her 36 hours later where she had time to think and she figured out what story she was in and jumped out the window. … Either that or she was kidnapped by Bowser. We aren’t really sure which.
So, apparently, Davis is so fucking paranoid about running into his wife before his wedding day, that he manages to get Izzy (the residential genius of the show) to turn their cellphones into tracking devices so they don’t accidently run into each other! … Well, I guess when you are fucking Batman (or at least have the finances!) you can just do that!
Thanks to the money Davis sent for her, Kari and her Bridal Shower had been doing quite a lot that day.
They went swimming, Horse-back riding, (What is it with Chicks and Horses anyway?)
All those girls with their ponies, and their friendship, and their magic! Pfft, you’d never see guys into that kind of stupid stuff. Never in a million years.
What are you six glaring at?
Davis and his bachelor party were living like it was on sale for $19.95 plus tax.
They did go swimming too, but they also went flying on gliders, (What is it with us Guys and Wings too?)
Girls, fly on gliders too, you know!
And if he wanted to go for an obvious ‘manly’ stereotype, wouldn’t football or monster trucks be more appropriate?
Kari was getting a little shaky, “I can't believe it.” She stuttered, “Not much longer to go before I'm Mrs. Daisuke Mototmiya.”
Really? Because it feels like it’s taking fucking forever!
“Easy Kari, I know how you feel.” Said Yolei, “If there's one thing Ken and I know about marriage…”
“Is… Good things take time, but great things, they happen all at once.”
No. No, they don’t. Now, admittedly sometime great things can happen all at one time. However, most of the time, things take time to become great. To make something great usually requires effort and putting time and dedication into something to make it happen! Which is more than I can say for this piece of shit!
Yolei wasn't the only one who knew of what marriage was capable of. All the other girls had their own experience as well.
Only Yolei was the only one of them who knew about what every woman wanted… a baby.
Not every woman wants to have a child. Some women are perfectly comfortable with not having children. That is a personal choice every woman has the right to make. Just another thing on the long list of things that Mykan does not understand!
And now is the part of our story that is basically a middle finger to anyone who liked TK in the show. Take a look at this.
TK put a comforting arm around his shoulder, “No Davis, it isn't a dream, this is really happening.” He said.
“Davis, look at me, and pay attention this is very important.”
“I may not be married yet, but I did date Kari for a time, and even though we broke up, my feelings for her are still there.”
“Now that I've seen how happy you've made her, I can see golden things in the future for you two.”
“What are you getting at TK?” asked Davis.
TK smiled, “I'm saying, that you've earned Kari love in ways that I can hardly dream of. For that…”
He held out his hand, “I admit defeat in our rivalry.”
Because that’s what this is all about! Being better than TK! Being better than anybody else! Being so good that you have to proclaim yourself better than others to make you feel powerful! This is a huge message from Mr. Mykan. That anyone who thinks opposite of him is an idiot. Anyone who thinks differently should kneel down and worship him in defeat because he’s right and you’re wrong.
There’s a reason why I choose Motorhead’s King of Kings to represent him, because this is how he views himself. Bow to the king or he’ll take your head off. To him, because he has power he can wield that power over others like a tyrant.
That makes me sick. It makes me sick to see a human being treat others with such distain and such distaste like this. Because I was taught that you respect one another, even if they are different. You use your power responsibly and to help others, not lord over them.
But, you’re probably sick of my rants by now, so let’s just try to continue with this story.
Davis and company were back at Tai's place. Jun had not come home; Davis allowed her and the girls to crash at his place to be close to Kari for tomorrow.
I’d love to crash at your place! Crash it with a tank that is!
They stopped by in the yard near the meadow and were so captivated by how it looked.
“Well… My work here is done!” said Michael, and what a well done job he'd done as well.
Oh, look it’s Buddy Rose before there was a Buddy Rose! … Oh, god. The Grand Ruler? Buddy Rose? Does that mean… there’s a Rhymey?! Oh, god! I wasn’t prepared for this! I need more time to prepare! I can’t take his rhymes! I can’t!
So, it’s the night before the wedding and GOD, HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I ENDURE THIS SHIT?!
Kari starts having a nightmare about evil Digimon attacking. This holds no water in the story itself because the story mentions IT’S ONLY A DREAM! How the hell is this building tension?! How the hell is this building any kind of drama for the story?!
Jesus, this is longer than most the stories I review, and nothing has happened! Think about it! Davis proposes to Kari, Davis and Kari tell others about the wedding, plans for the wedding! That is all that has happened! In 6 chapters, nothing has happened!
I just want to leap into this story and start murdering people just so we could have a plot about a murder mystery! At least, give us something! A giant monster battle?! Death in the family?! Kari having second thoughts?! I don’t care at this point! ENTERTAIN ME!
So, Kari has her little nightmare where Davis dies, but again, as the story tells us, it’s just a dream, so nobody gives a shit.
And then we cut over to Davis, who is also having a nightmare. Oh and if you thought the last chapter was insulting to anyone who liked TK. Here’s a little something for you!
Kari was asked if she would take Davis as her husband and she said… “I Don't!”
The crowd gasped in shock, the minister dropped his bible, and Kari told them why she refused.
She said that she still had feelings for TK, and wanted to be with him. She dropped her bouquet and ran over to him.
The kissed passionately, and then rose up into the sky, and then flew away on a cloud.
And then they lived happily ever after and flew up to God to get out of this piece of shit. Oh, if only I could do the same. Hell, I’d take Hell at this point, as long as I get away from this story!
Davis was absolutely 100% entirely… DESTROYED!!!!
No. But he’s about to be!
Right after Kari and TK flew away, Davis found himself in the dark void of the Shadow-Realm.
Davis, you must play card games to save your soul! Now, summon your Kuriboh!
I brought you here.” Said a dark damp voice, it was DEATH himself.
Oh my god! Does that mean Equestrylvania is crossing over into this story?! Sweet merciful god, does that mean that Death and Actrise are going to be running around Japan looking for pieces of Dracula while fighting the Digi-destined? Because that would be fucking awesome!
Unfortunately not, Death claims that he lost the only woman he loved and because there aren’t any more fish in the sea, Death takes his soul.
Dude, I don’t think that love is Death’s department! This is as stupid as Spider-Man’s little tripe with the devil!
So, the boys rush in after hearing Davis’s nightmare and calm him down. Again, no drama or tension was added to the story and these scenes will never come back. Great waste of our fucking time!
The next morning Kari tries on her dress, without even mentioning the nightmare, as if it never fucking happened, and finally this stupid ass wedding as well as this stupid ass story is starting to get moving!
And I have 4 chapters left to go. I’m going to need some more alcohol.
So the wedding starts and Mykan gets really sadistic with this line about Kari’s dad. Take a look at this.
Kari's dad even wished he was the one to give her away, but his legs got paralyzed in car crash two years ago.
So he had to sit in a wheelchair, but he and his wife did have front row seats.
Jesus fuck, that was dark! Why the hell would he write about Kari’s father being paralyzed from the waist down? Oh, I get it! So, that Tai could be the one to walk Kari down the aisle rather than Kari’s fucking father!
Geez, can I please go hear the father’s story of how he got paralyzed and the struggles he had to go through to deal with this?! The physical and psychological trauma that he had to endure as a result?! Because that sounds like a better fucking story than the one I’m currently reading!
Holy shit! I can’t believe he is so wrapped up in his own perfect little world that he has to maim a parent just so he can get exactly what he wants! And yes, I know that these things happen, but why did this have to happen in this story?! There is no reason for it! It doesn’t further the story, it doesn’t enhance the plot in any way! The story of Davis and Kari is not made any better by this decision! It’s just a stupid, weak and downright cruel way to get Tai to walk Kari down the aisle instead of her father!
Blow me!
So, they go through the wedding ceremony, and Mykan actually gives a thought that I’ve been thinking throughout the entire story.
Davis, Kari, and the crowd were getting anxious. They wished he would just skip over all that stuff and get to the good stuff at once.
That’s what I’ve been saying about this fucking story!
“Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?” The Minister asked.
Tai stood up proudly. “I do,”
The crowd was indeed supportive to that, and also extended regrets that Kari's dad wasn't the one because of his legs.
Oh, good. I almost forgot that Kari’s father is crippled for no fucking reason. Thanks for reminding me!
So, they go over their vows and shit, I don’t care; I’m still waiting on the booze to kick in.
And they are declared Mr. and Mrs. Motomiya.
And that was Davis and Kari’s wedding, Jesus fuck, was that a long one.
The story is poorly written, the pacing is…
Sir, you still have three more chapters.
… What?
There are still three more chapters waiting to be read and reviewed.
Um… I can’t.
Is it because the book is supposedly possessed by the devil?
Hey, that one time, I swear I wasn’t lying!
And this time?
… *holds the book up to his mouth and opens and closes it while he speaks* Oooo, I’m the deeeeevil! I’m here to devour your sooooouls!
Seriously, sir?
Please, don’t make me review the rest of it! Please!
Sir, you have already started. I highly recommend finishing it.
… Fuck my life.
So, onto chapter 8, I guess.
We get to the reception and we get this line that was almost entertaining, and not for the reasons the author intended.
Yolei, at the rate you're going…” Davis joked, “…you'd probably eat yourself to death, and still not be satisfied.”
Everyone laughed, but Yolei didn't really care, she was too busy stuffing her face with meatballs.
Yeah, Ken’s meatballs!
How did you…?
I have more than 2 mechanical arms, sir. I think that was established.
Right then… Moving on.
So, they go through the long, LONG list of gifts from every character. These would actually mean something if you knew who the fuck these characters were. Or better yet, what these characters mean to Davis and Kari?!
“But Critique, you handsome, amazing, good in every way pony that everypony wants to bang, if we watch the show, we already know the characters. So, why would you ask to know the characters?”
Because this story does not represent those characters well if you’ve seen the show. If you had seen the show, you would no doubt raise your eyebrows asking yourself, “They never behaved like this in the show”. Or if you haven’t seen the show, you wouldn’t be invested into what is going on because you honestly don’t give a shit about the characters because you ultimately know nothing about them.
A good story would give you a sense of caring for these characters, even if you’ve never seen the show. Even if you’ve never seen the show before, by the end of the story, you should want to. The author should try his damnedest to make a story or a fan fic that gets people who haven’t heard about it or probably weren’t interested, actually say “Hmm… Maybe I will check it out.”
But no! This story doesn’t do that! Instead, it just glorifies this one character who we know nothing about and frankly, could give less of a shit about!
Davis very carefully opened his gift from his bride, inside was a small little radio that seemed to have small a computer on it.
“Kari?” said Davis, “This is… “The Music Maker.” It was a very Rare and special Song-machine powered by satellite.
All Davis had to do was type in the name of any song he wanted, and how he wanted to hear it played.
Most people call it the Iphone! It’s shit! Though, this was made in 2005, so I’ll let it slide.
So Davis uses his magical song device to sing a romantic song to her. The song lyrics are so unfitting of the moment that I actually am going to give you part of the lyrics.
Picture this for me. Imagine you are on your wedding day, the supposedly happiest time of your life. You have just married the man (or woman) you love with all your heart and want to dedicate a song to him/her.
Would this really be the song you pick?
-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely
So Lonely and sadly alone
There's no one, Just me only
Living in my life of stone.
-I work really hard and try to make friends
but nobody listens, no one understands
Seems that no one takes me
SE-RIOUS-LY
-And so…
I'm Lonely
*Sniffles* Really Lonely
Poor little me
Good fucking god, where do I begin? First off, this is the song that plays in Davis’s head when he thinks of Kari?!
That’s just… stupid! When he’s around her, he’s lonely?! What kind of fucking sense does that make?!
Secondly, Kari is completely okay with this?! Kari is okay with her being around Davis causes him pain?! She… She is a complete fucking moron! And Davis is no better! As far as I’m concern, they both deserve to be decapitated!
Third, the lyrics are awful! ‘So lonely and sadly alone.’ Repetitive much?
Fourth, you are singing this while in front of all of your supposed friends?! Good god, the lyrics are about him being alone and no one understanding him! That is literally the lyrics to this song! And he’s singing this to his friends?! What sort of messed up fuck is this guy?!
Seriously, look at some of these lyrics!
-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely
So Lonely and sadly alone
There's no one, Just me only
Living in my life of stone.
-I work really hard and try to make friends
but nobody listens, no one understands
There's nobody I can relate to
I'm the Smartest, most clever, most physically fit
But nobody else seems to realize it
This… this is Mykan! That explains fucking everything, doesn’t it?! Davis is rotting in a ditch somewhere and Mykan has replaced him, making everything think he is Davis! Just like the Grand Ruler brainwashed every dumbass unicorn in his dumbass nation to worship him as a god, Mykan in this story has murdered Davis and tossed him in a ditch, because the Davis from the show would never been this unbelievable negative!
In the finale of the show, when everyone was confronted with their greatest fears and doubts, it was Davis who managed to guide everyone to focus on the task at hand and battle the villain! Not because he was better than everyone else, but because he was hardheaded! He saw what was important and focused on it, not bright enough to allow for distractions or the possibility of defeat!
That was why people who are fans of Davis liked him! Not because he was an emo who wanted to cut himself every five minutes, because ‘No one understands me’ ‘I’m so lonely’ ‘I can’t make any friends’. Try being pleasant with people and get your head out of your ass!
Fifth, thanks for the lyrics to a song, THAT I CAN’T HEAR FROM TEXT!
Let’s see if I can do that!
*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*
You raise me up, so I can snipe your head off!
You raise me up, so I can shoot at you!
Through my scope, I see your brains fly outward!
I laugh at you, while you bleed on the ground!
***
Oh, wait if we’re playing by Mykan’s rules, I have to sing about how I feel despite there being no evidence that I feel that way. Let me try that again.
*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*
I love this story! It’s so much better than yours!
It is so good! I want to fuck it all day!
***
Wait, what’s that? You want more singing? You don’t?! Well, that’s too fucking bad because our story decides to give us another fucking song!
And it’s as bad as the last one!
Just as pointless and nonsensical as the last one that has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the story!
It’s just another chance for Davis to show off his angelic vocal cords, that I’m pretty sure he didn’t have in the show, so everyone can fucking worship him like the Grand Ruler levitating his bags to his fucking hotel room!
So, we begin chapter 9 titled…
Virgins No more
…
Wait! Guys! Don’t leave me! I can’t review this part on my own! Don’t leave me!
I'm so Lonely, so Lonely
So Lonely and sadly alone
So they arrive in Hawaii where they make their way to their hotel room for their honeymoon.
They strip down and… Oh, god this is it. Computer, divert your eyes. Save yourself. Get out of this madness before it begins!
And just when you think they are going to get it on, the story cuts it out, as if it was afraid it wouldn’t know what to do with it.
It just cuts to them covered up and panting. So that sex that was promised at the beginning of the story was a lie. Though to be fair, did any of us really want this guy telling us the proper way to have sex?
Finally, the last fucking chapter. Let’s just get through this.
A few days pass for the newlyweds and they decide to finally go back home. When they get home, they find that they have a huge mansion provided for them. Because apparently, Davis couldn’t just buy a mansion. Why not? He’s bought everything else in this fucking story!
A few years pass and they show the characters together for their big reunion at the end of Series 2, but this time Davis and Kari bring their son and daughter around.
And if you thought there couldn’t possibly be anymore jerking off to Davis in this story, the author manages to get one last sentence in.
As For Davis…Well; he became so successful with his Noodle-Carts, that so much was made about him.
Movies, TV shows, TK, who was a novelist, even wrote about him in his latest novel.
But what Davis loved most of all, was a song published about him and his business that he could listen too on his Music-Maker.
Davis would later go on to commit suicide because he realized his life was a joke. Now that’s an ending.
And then a song plays about how great Davis is!
-So move aside, make way.
For Daisuke Motomiya!
'Cos he's gonna make your day.
Daisuke Motomiya!
He's the one we adore.
Daisuke's the hero next door
Because Davis is so great and is so fantastic and SHUT THE FUCK UP! I HOPE DAVIS GETS CANCER IN THE FUCKING SERIES JUST SO FAN FICS LIKE THIS NEVER GET WRITTEN AGAIN!
If you like Davis as a character, fine. More power to you! But don’t shove him in everyone’s faces if you don’t mind!
Where to even begin?
Let’s start with the overall plot of the story! Or the lack of one! I don’t expect there to be some grand fate of the world plot here, but I, at least, expect some kind of conflict that makes me invested in the story and the characters! This story LITERALLY had no plot whatsoever. All it did was give us a wedding that nobody actually cared about, because nobody was actually invested in what was going on!
The characters are awful and bland! They all seem like cardboard cutouts of the characters from the show rather than the show’s characters we know and love! It’s made even worse if you haven’t seen the show since you barely get any time with these characters and many of them aren’t explored, so you’re left wondering why most of these characters matter. Davis and Kari are probably the two that get the most screen time, but these two are nothing but planks of wood as far as personalities go. Davis is nothing more than just a mouthpiece for how Mykan’s life sucks and that he should be worshiped for not doing anything! Davis is just a tool to be used to express how Mykan is and how he views himself, rather than being the character from the show!
The dialogue is terrible! People say words, but most of the time it’s either plot related (or at least what passes for a plot in this story) or something that relates to ‘Davis being awesome’. There are, admittedly, one or two good passages, but nothing to save the overwhelming bland and sometimes tedious dialogue.
The descriptions are all over the place! Sometimes actual effort was put into it, like the wedding dress. While other times, I have no idea what the fuck is going on or where the hell we are! Again, many of the important details are pretty much glanced over! Many of these points could have been used to develop the characters or plot, but the story pretty much doesn’t care about that!
Another huge problem with this story is the pacing! MY GOD, the pacing in this story! The story starts with Davis proposing, then it all leads up to the wedding with nothing happening! Hell, the wedding doesn’t even take place until 6 chapters later! This wouldn’t be so bad if something was happening in-between all that time, but nothing does! The only, ONLY piece that could have made for some interesting drama in this story, the nightmare sequence, was glanced over! It happened, it had no effect on the characters, and was never brought up again! This should have been a big moment for the characters, questioning if they could risk going through the pain! Yeah, its weak, but it would have been better than no plot at all!
And then we have the romance. The ungodly weak romance. Put aside whether you are for “Takari” or “Dakari” for a second, the story of Davis and Kari, in this story, is unrealistic at best. For all the talk about THE PERFECT COUPLE, I never once got a sense that they were madly in love. Yeah, they acted like they were in love, with the kissing and the sex, but that’s not what real love is about! They never really interact with each other on a personal or professional level, they never have any issues revolving around them, and they never have any disputes that could go through the growth of their relationship! It’s just a paragon that can’t exist!
And then of course, that leads us to the big issue that’s been hanging over this story since the beginning. The sexism.
Allow me to explain what I mean. Looking back at the story, did you all notice that Davis is always the one who got the praise? It’s Davis’s wealth. It’s Davis’s power. It’s Davis’s greatness.
But what about Kari? There’s never any mention of Kari doing anything. There’s never any mention of Kari being loved by everyone. There is never any mention of Kari’s greatness and all that she has accomplished.
And you know why? Because she is a woman. She is not given any kind of credit for anything she could or might do, because she is a woman. It’s not Kari working hard to achieve a college education that she earned! It’s Davis giving it to her! It’s not Kari trying to balance her life between paying for college through scholarships, grants, loans and a job while still keeping up on her schooling! It’s Davis giving it all to her! Not even Davis’s own sister, Jun, was able to get her medical degree without Davis!
All Kari is to this story is the girl that Davis is in love with! All Jun is to this story is the girl that Tai is in love with! And the overall message of Mykan’s Davis and Kari: A WEDDING STORY is this…
If you are a woman, you are useless. You are pointless. You have no worth. You cannot achieve anything without the support of him. You are nothing but a prize to be won. And you should be grateful that God allowed you to bask in Mykan’s presence.
Mykan… You must be so proud.
I would like to extend an apology to all my female viewers who have been offended by this man. You did not deserve that.
Dakari King Mykan is sexist. There is no other way around it. And if this story hasn’t made that relevant by now, then I’ve got three more that might!
Have a great day, guys!
Big thank you goes to Iowaforever for giving me the idea for the name of this month. Thanks brother.
You what isn't in this Digimon story? Digimon.
Happy Mykanuary, everyone!
You could write a book... a lot of books on that subject.
Fun stuff.
That actually happened to you? Whoa...
CHAAAAANGE?! YA GOT CHAAAAAANGE?!
I'm sure 99% of people on the internet share your interest.
Sure it is...
And thus the madness begins. Get your popcorn ready, everyone.
Just like my stance on shipping in... well, most everything, really.
Wow, and I thought my descriptions of people were bad...
Ellipses... only make you... sound pretentious... or like... Shatner.
then again, I use them a lot, but usually not in this way.
She can go there with Dipper.
... I don't even know what happens in that story and I'm already treating it like Legend of Skye Dumbass
Why hello there, Ron; how's the Death Eater business going?
Biased? I think yes.
Guess he took Uncle Iroh's advice a little too literally
Wouldn't he still need some training so he didn't make some stupid mistake and cause his business to sink like the Costa Concordia?
Mykan's blatant misogyny is rising, I see. When does the racism show up?
I'd say there's something wrong with this, but then again co-ed dorms have existed for quite some time in certain schools so there's no real weight to my objections, if I had any
My God, the grammar errors in this thing are painful to read! "Hr"? A capital S on that "so"? That "but" that serves no real purpose whatsoever and only makes the sentence even more clunky?! REDUNDANCY ON THAT EXPENSIVE BIT?!
Clearly.
Also, the misogyny is growing, as it seems that Kari is scheduled for a somewhat less stressful job than saving the world. because far be it for a woman being able to save the world.
images1.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Avatar-Kyoshi-earthbending-1149412_480_480.jpg
... please don't hurt me. I'll get back to writing that story.
Wow, that was fast. Wish I was on their program, I'd be done with college by the end of the month.
Besides, New York is overrated anyway. Everyone goes to New York, it's like Baby's First Tourist Destination. Go to somewhere like Washington DC, or go to Europe. Or better yet, stay in Japan, or go to Korea or Thailand (it'd probably be cheaper than going to America) because that's cool too.
... not making a September 11th joke; that'd just be in bad taste.
What geography book is he reading, because I don't think there are "Rolling hills" near New York (someone correct me if I'm wrong; I never got a good view of the city from above)
The cliche is strong with this one...
Why am I not reading that story?
Oh no, I totally agree with you there.
I'm not even dignifying this with bad porn music.
Of the three major protagonists I have written for (read, the ones I have the most material for), I would say that I know what it's like to be tempted to write about how awesome they are and how they could beat everyone senseless with one hand/wing/hoof tied behind their back. But I don't, because I have a story to tell, not a shrine to build, and sometimes flaws and failure are more fun to write than strength and success.
... HOW MANY CHAPTERS IS THIS THING?!?! My god, not even Secret of Queen Annalese did this much fawning over its Mary Sues.
That is a freaky skull-flower
I noticed that as well. The "Enter" key is not too far away, people!
And that last line is filling me with dread...
I would if I could, my friend.
Only if they're related by blood... or adopted...
So TvTropes was right and Everyone is Batman?
"Mwa ha ha! I will steal the keys to this apartment, which should really be on the owner's person, even though I have just broken in and am free to do whatever I want until the cops arrive."
Why doesn't he take anything of greater value, like money or electronics?
Also, this is TK, isn't it?
And for being a Digimon fic, we haven't seen much in the way of references to the little buggers or any other aspects of the universe besides the characters. I mean, you can have Star Wars fics without Jedi or other Force users, Avatar fics without Benders or Bending playing a major role, or fics in the Marvel or DC Universes without superheroes showing up. They have a chance of going wrong, but as long as they acknowledge that they take place within their universe then they have a chance at being enjoyable. This, though, despite one or two references to Digi-whatever this could just take place in the real world... not likely considering how bad it is and how improbably most of the events are, but STILL!
I give it 4 to 1 odds
When did that happen? From what I read, it seems like they're still engaged.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/warhammer40k/images/e/e9/Exterminatus_Retribution.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130419190839
... I loathe the "Friends intruding on people's romances" cliche. Done right by mature adults who know their limits (like in Guide Me Home) I can tolerate it, but when it's done like this, when everyone acts like a brain-dead middle-school kid, it makes me want to run out and burn a Hallmark store to the ground. Do people have no respect for other's privacy, that maybe they don't want to be put on display for everyone's amusement? Do they realize that spying on people and teasing them about their love life causes more damage than good? No, all they care about is what they think is fun, that everyone should just be open and snogging their significant other 24/7 for the world to see, that teasing is a perfectly good way to go through life.
GROW UP, MYKAN! THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS PRIVACY AND RESPECT! THE WORLD ISN'T JUST A BIG SCHOOL PLAYGROUND, WHERE YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SHIT LIKE THIS!
...
Okay, I feel better now.
My feelings exactly. I applaud you
Get me my salt.
I'm guessing stripers are those dudes who paint the lines on roads. Guess they were too cheap to hire strippers.
Hmm, I have a feeling I've read this sentence before. God, Dumbass and
AnnaleseBlack Hole were more butch than this chick.Another one of my pet peeve tropes.
Nah, Bowser wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. At least Peach can do something other than fawn over Mario.
You'll find out soon enough, you misogynistic racist.
Yes. And what happened to the stripers?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Your misogyny is rampant, Mykan. There are other things women want, and not just in fiction (although I could rattle off a few dozen off the top of my head, more if I sat down and thought about it for awhile)
Why stop there? Send a mean text to the Decepticons, leave the phone at his place, and run like hell.
Do the La-La-La-La-La!
And then Mykan loses his shit even more. What was he smoking when he wrote this chapter, because I want some!
Really? That's how long this story has been? It feels longer...
HOW DOES BEING IN A WHEELCHAIR LIMIT ONE'S ABILITY TO WALK THEIR DAUGHTER DOWN THE AISLE. HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR, HE CAN STILL MOVE!!!
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE! (sets them all on fire)
This made me laugh. Thank you, I needed that after the last... what, seven chapters of bad?
Better go find Cookie Dough in
OceaniaUnicornicopia!Again, kudos. Good stories should keep the reader interested and make them want to learn more.
Funny thing, something like this happened at one of my cousins' wedding (well, the party the day before, but whatever); someone had this really depressing and out of place poem about breaking up yet still being in love with the other person. It was weird.
RUN FOR THE HILLS! BAD SEX SCENES ARE COMING!!!
AND FINALLY, IT'S DONE!!
Fun stuff. Maybe then we'll see his racism start to develop.
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT TEEN TITANS GO WAS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD RUIN ESTABLISHED CHARACTERS SO TERRIBLY!!! Actually at least with Go they just Flanderized the Titans to the point of insanity! With this it's just fucking rewriting all of them into some weird "idealistic" take on them that some idiot who probably is a skip and a jump away from going postal at his job and killing everyone there because they DARED to disagree with him on something would write!!!!!!!
This is arguably WORSE than My Little Unicorn if only because at least with that you didn't get to the actual MLP stuff until later! This..... This....
No... Ignore bad story!!! Must find distraction!!!
Ah........ There we go
2706840 I noticed that too. Because that's not what the author cared about. It's sad, really.
I was looking forward to some mindless monster fighting.
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I really didn't pay it any mind then and I won't now. He can say what he wants. To me, they're are just words for a sexist, bigoted individual who would rather hate people from looking at things from a different point of view.
I try to be as sadistic with my characters as I can get away with. I know that life can be a bitch sometimes and I try to do the same with my characters. Just because I think putting the world on their shoulders, you find out more interesting things about said character when they are at their lowest point.
I didn't mention it in the review, but the Digimon do actually appear in it. However, they have such little impact on the plot that I didn't bother mentioning them since their only role in this story is to talk about how awesome Davis is.
But yeah, you could have cut the Digimon out of the story and no one would have been able to tell the difference. About halfway through it, I forgot it was even a Digimon story.
By the way, I didn't make this Yu-gi-oh reference lightly. There are actually stories of him in the Yugioh universe as the greatest duelist whoever lived.
Yeah... weird is right.
Thanks for reading the review as always. Too bad that the rest of the month is going to be just as bad as this one, if not worse.
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I remember when I used to do that... except I never put it down on paper... well, I did once, and I got a 3/5 on that project. I haven't written about that topic since.
And will we be seeing any of those fics in the future?
2709059 Not this month, but we will get into more of that kind of insanity with many other self-inserts. Mainly, every Mykan story ever written.
2709488 fun stuff
A whole month of Mykan?
You poor damned magnificent fool...
2713270 Well, somebody has got to be the fool. Might as well be me.
And do you know why? Because, according to him and I quote "I am a guy, I prefer to write for males anyway because I am a male."
No, seriously. That is what he told me in a convo I had with him once when we had a three day battle o the minds about his stuff. It is quite interesting.
Oh, tell me you will do chapter 16 of Starfleet three (That is where Twilight dies) .
2720072 I will eventually get there, but I want to get through his season 2 stuff first and then we got the movie to go through and... wow, I've got a lot before I get there. Oh, but don't worry. There's still plenty to be angry about.
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Oh, believe me...I know. I have seen things. I just think, Starfleet 3 is the worst of the whole lot. Not just because of Twilight's death (though that is the tip of the iceberg) but because of the mind rape, the scene where GR banishes all who are not him, the chinese sterotypes...
*becomes frozen* elipises? Sorry, just got a bad flashback to another bad fanfic writer. The pain.
WHAT??????
Alos, I had to check, and thank Celestia on high, they didn't come from Donkey Kong Country or Seasame Street. Also, I wouldn't worry about a lemon scene from mykie...he thinks sex is icky. No, for reals.
Well, I'm late. Ah, Digimon. I never could get into it, it just felt like Pokémon without the child or animal abuse... I can still here my poor Pikachu cry.
And they already seem fake. Also, I wonder how Mykan writing erotica is going to be.
1. You're a reviewer of fan fiction, how is this concept new to either of us?
2. You reviewed a story where Sirloin Green is made out of ponies who had lots and lots of sex while being cooked alive. It can be much worse.
Hey, at least she's getting something out of this loveless relationship. All Bella Swan got was several injuries, death, and demonic resurrections.
How I felt while writing my review of Sonic Rainboom and Rainbow Factory.
All clopfics ever. And yet also describes our jobs perfectly.
WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!
A bit sudden, but I'd feel happy for-
... The Hell kind of porn have you been watching?!
I've had more romantic nights alone with nothing but popcorn and a bad comedy.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, MYK?!?!?!
Best summary of being a comedic reviewer ever.
That's an awesome mental image. Iron Man with some of the cooler Digimon!
Oh, don't be scared. It happens to all little boys when they grow up.
And nothing of value was lost.
... Is that a skull? I had my suspicions, but I didn't think nature was this intent on killing everything.
... Did he just play sexual assault up for laughs?
How the Guardian and Friends writes Scootaloo and Bab Seed.
WE don't like logic 'round these parts, boy. Now, get back to watching Davis act like an idiot.
That's a bit insulting to our intelligence. Rule one of being successful: Never insult the ones who make you so successful.
That actually would have been an interesting twist.
The story's so bad it's affecting his memory! My God!
Okay, Davis needs to die now. Luckily, I have my shotgun and revolver ready!
BLAM!
I shot you in the foot! With the revolver! Were you made of glass?!
This comic sucks!
Oh, how I'd much rather watch AT4W than read anything Mykan writes...
No! As much as I hate Team America, this song was one of the few funny things about it! You don't get to steal songs!
... To Hell with it. I'm staying with you, Critique.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/272/c/b/i_regret_nothing___doctor_who_gif_by_pepper124-d811pin.gif
I think we deserve some porn after putting up with this crap.
Anyways, good review!
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My suppressed memories! How could they return?!
Why do I see this when you say that?
stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/4704975/dr-applecheeks-is-a-creep-o.gif
Thanks for reading. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to take a few moments with my therapist about Dr. Applecheeks.
2721567 Brilliant!
So... would you say you're so lonely...?