Critique Review: Shepherd of Fire · 9:27pm Nov 25th, 2015
Wow! That was some of the best adventures I’ve ever had! Don’t you think so, Computer?
Sir, must I read from the script word per word?
Yes, you must! Now shut up and say your lines!
So, you want me to shut up and say my lines?
Just fucking do it!
*Huff* Yes… What wonderful adventures we had. You saved the universe hundreds of times over with your amazing skills.
Worst actress ever… I mean… Of course, I did! I am the most amazing pony in the universe!
And the sex you gave was the best. All of the sex was. In fact… Seriously, sir, you are going to make me say this? You are not fooling anyone.
Just say the damn line!
In fact, you are so good at it, that Rarity should be lining up to suck on your cock.
Damn right she should.
Hi, everyone. I am the Critique. You might be wondering what happened to me last week. Well-
He got lazy and decided not to do a review last week.
SHUT UP! I mean… No… my dear Computer. Clearly my sex is so amazing, I fucked with her memory. No. I was in an alternate dimension where I picked up today’s story. It turns out that this story is actually that world’s reality. … And I feel really sorry for that world, because this story is pickled cock!
I know this will be the third story that is obxiously bad in a row, but I’m just in such a horrible mood after not reviewing for a week that I need something that’s doubly awful!
And that’s what this story is and the description of the story is a perfect place to start this review.
Sometime in the distant future, on an impossible day, the Void; linked within the Space-Time Continuum is opening from another point in time creating a paradox in the process.
Aaaand, we are already in deep shit.
Look at the first sentence! According to that semicolon, that first part is supposedly an independent clause! It’s not even close to independent! If it were, it would have some kind of a verb! Something that the Void is doing! It’s just saying that ‘Sometime in the future, the Void.” That’s not a complete sentence!
Use a semicolon to connect to independent clauses together!
Oh, and get used to seeing that stupid punctuation because it appears quite frequently.
As Equestria is at the risk of being erased, their only hope lies within the heart of a stallion Earth Pony; Star Blade. Now he must stand side by side with his closest friends, the Mane Six, as Equestria's past, present, and future depends on it.
Star Blade! A surprisingly less stupid name than Stargazer! Though not by much!
While Equestria's future is in his hooves, his own future lies hidden within in a great power held secret for a long time by Princess Celestia.
Oh… this is going to be some much needed therapy. In fact it’s going to be so therapeutic, that I might actually want to see a therapist when I’m done.
Our story begins with an introduction to Star’s character.
My name is Star Blade, I'm an Earth Pony from Ponyville. I may not look like much, wearing a leather jacket and rusty old watch, but I am full of action and adventure, and the cutie mark shows it.
The Cutie Mark being! … … Um… This?
Yeah, I have no fucking idea what his Cutie Mark is supposed to look like. We are actually not given anything that would suggest what it would look like. So, how are we supposed to know that it is ‘full of action and adventure’?! Full of shit is more like it!
Besides being adventurous, I also had an interest in studying the stars, their constellations, and a lot of their meanings. I may seem like a regular pony, and I thought so too, but as time went on I started being involved in things I never thought possible.
I started my adventurous journey with roleplaying BDSM! I found I was very fond of the submissive role!
And today is the day where all of that has brought me... where it's all been leading me to.
Based on the rating system, about 1 like for every 10 dislike.
As for the rest of the story, why don’t you fill in the blanks since we’ve read these stories together a hundred times?
I’m an OC named {u]Walnut Breaker (ridiculous name). I’m friends with the mushy (adjective) six. And I’m the only one who can do (verb) the Mario. (noun)
Our story begins properly with a flashback of 2 days before the important stuff happens. And I’d like you to keep a tally of all the times there will be a flashback in this story.
Flashback count: 1
This one shows us that Walnut is discovering some kind of supercomputer.
What?!
Not you, sit down!
And this supercomputer shows all the possible timelines of Equestria. So, the TARDIS then.
The story then introduces us to Pinkie Pie. She’s the pink one if that helps. The one I always bash on.
Pinkie Pie, an Earth Pony, and the most cheerful of the Mane 6. She is a very good friend to all the citizens of Ponyville. Any time there was a celebration, holiday, or birthday, Pinkie was there to make a fantastic party, hoping that they leave with a smile on their face. She is also very random at times, which ends up with everypony laughing with her, leaving her as the harnesser to the Element of Laughter.
Now, a lot of writers bash on this description of characters within the show. And I don’t mind it, because it could possibly allow new readers to see the character. However, my issue is when you TELL us rather than SHOW us! Though I guess the story does attempt to show us in the next flashback.
Flashback count: 2
Apparently four months ago, Pinkie Pie baked a cake for Walnut. Though it’s extremely short and doesn’t seem to present all the qualities of her character. She gives him a cake and claims it was a lucky guess. Where’s the randomness? Where’s the friend to all citizens of Ponyville?! If we were just introduced to the character in this story as an original character, I wouldn’t believe anything this character is supposed to be because she hasn’t acted like it! Just saying your character is this way doesn’t make us believe it!
I could claim that I’m the nicest pony in the world, but until I start NOT kicking cute and cuddly animals for laughs, nopony will believe me! And I’ll kick anypony who says otherwise!
We then cut to the introduction of Applejack where it mentions that she has a family and she is the Element of Honesty… And not much else. Look, I know Applejack is the least interesting of the main six, but could you as least try?! Look how you made Applejack feel.
And now she’s gonna break your kneecaps.
And to add insult to injury, during that same flashback, that feels like it has to indicate a one even though the timeline hasn’t gone anywhere.
Flashback count: 3
Applejack, another Earth Pony, and the most hardworking of the Mane 6. She is in charge of the farm nearby Ponyville with her family members, Big Macintosh, Applebloom, and Granny Smith. I learned from her that being honest gets you in the least amount of trouble, and it turns out… it’s true… because she harnesses the Element of Honesty.
FLASHBACK – 4 Months before the Present Day
"Look at him go!" Applejack said as she and her family watched me help with getting the apples... my way…
Yes, it has a flashback to the present to tell about Applejack, only to flashback to the same fucking point! Do you realize how pointless this is?! Why don’t you just introduce them all in one flashback?!
Anyway, like I said about insult to injury, Walnut seems to be really, really good at farming apples for the Apple Family. So much so that Applejack just sits on her ass all day sniffing her own farts while he does all the work. Only to come up to him with tears in her eyes saying
Oh, thank you, your majesty! I could have never have bucked all those apples myself! Even though my family has done this for a least 2 or more generations! Might I suck on your walnuts as a reward for being my hero?!
Oh, you sick fucks! I was talking about these walnuts!
Pervs!
We move on to the introduction of our next character on the Wheel of Main Six, Fluttershy. And guess what? We get a flashback months ago stating what wonderful thing Walnut did for Fluttershy.
Fluttershy, a very calm, sensitive, yet helpful Pegasus. Unlike any of the other Pegasus kind, she spent most of her time on the land instead of Cloudsdale. She’s always willing to help a lot of the woodland creatures in need, almost like a park ranger, which explains so much why she harnesses the Element of Kindness.
FLASHBACK - 3 Months before the Present Day
I was running for Fluttershy's house. She rang the bell at her house as loud as she could, which meant that an animal was hurt and she needed help.
Flashback count: 4
Turns out Angel was hurt. Gee, I wonder how that happened…
And Fluttershy has no medication for him, so what does she do? She feeds him to a hungry dog!
"You came to the right pony! Come here Copper!" I said as I called my dog; Copper
Walnut: I’ll put him out of his misery.
Oh, thank you! You are the most wonderful pony in the universe! Can I touch your wiener?
DOG! She meant dog! Of course she did! Not every joke I do has to be a sexual one!
And, our hero mentions a new invention he is working on that will of course make him super-special-awesome!
"Ah not a problem. Anyway, I gotta get going. I still have to continue working on the mechanical wings prototype." I said as I gave Copper a treat.
Wait, I thought Angel was the treat. Well, I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat all of your carrots. Not much meat on you.
We then get to Rarity and it seems like the author couldn’t find a lot of nice things to say about Rarity. I noticed Pinkie Pie got all the attention thus far with a lot of her personality at least being defined.
Sure, he failed to show us it, but at least it put in some effort.
Rarity, a unicorn that happens to be very good at making dresses. While she enjoys making dresses, she also loves to find jewels that she can collect and use for her dresses. She tends to complain at some times, but don’t let that fool you, as she harnesses the Element of Generosity.
This just feels like the author doesn’t like the character and just kind of throws it together hoping that nopony who is a fan would noticed! Well, I did notice, thank you very much! And Applejack isn’t even my favorite!
And as typical in these situations, Rarity makes an awesome suit that makes Walnut look incredibly dashing, handsome, radiant, hot, sexy, and other words that these authors use in these situations. I could sum up every single OC/Rarity scene with three words. SUIT! HOT! FUCKME!
Oh and it takes place in a flashback. Because of course it does.
Flashback count: 5
And then we meet Rainbow Dash who is put on a pedestal and praised like the goddess above as he rubs his face into chest. Don’t believe me, why not look at this sentence?
Rainbow Dash, a Pegasus from Cloudsdale and the closet friend of mine from the Mane 6. She has a lot of potential when it comes to activities such as racing, flying, etc. She’s never appreciated losing to ANYTHING… While she has an attitude at times, she always is willing to help anypony when told, as she harnesses the Element of Loyalty.
… Playing a bit of favoritism, are we?
OH, SHUT UP! WHO ASKED YOU?!
And our characters have a moment by…
WHOOAH! INCOMING!!!" yelled Rainbow Dash as she was falling, with her wings tied up.
"Don't worry, I got you!" I said after catching Rainbow Dash.
Wait, what?
"Why is it you get the wings here and not me?" asked Rainbow Dash with a bit of an attitude.
"Well that's a way to thank someone. Oh and to answer your question, these mechanical wings are the reason I'm up here teaching you, and making sure you don't fall to your doom." I said after she asked the question.
Wait, huh? What?!
"You don't need to worry about me. If I'm ever falling like that, I'll know how to handle myself." said Rainbow Dash as she got back on her hooves.
"I hope you're right, because I may not be there to save you one day." I said as I landed.
We were both silent for a moment, until Rainbow Dash said, "Thanks..."
What, what the fuck?
I looked towards her as I said, "I'm sorry?
"Thanks... for saving me back there. I know I was a bit of a jerk back there. But you're right, I should be thankful for you saving me." said Rainbow Dash with a smile.
"That's what I like to hear. You know what's best, even if you don't want it to happen at times." I said, also with a smile. "Anyway, lesson's now over. How about a race to Ponyville?" I said as I prepared my wings.
Okay… Stop…. Just … just stop… Okay.
Okay… Where do I fucking begin? Hmm?
This is probably the worst of all the scenes that we’ve seen so far! First off, what the fuck was with that opening?! Rainbow Dash, one of the best fliers in all of Equestria, somehow gets her wings tied? What fucking context is there?! There is not one single shred of evidence that shows Rainbow Dash being in some kind of trouble or how she got there!
Was this some kind of bondage game gone horribly wrong?! I thought Walnut was into the submissive, not the dominant!
Second, what the fuck was that line about ‘How come you get the wings?” from Rainbow Dash?! Did you not notice the two fucking limbs growing out of your fucking back?! Or were those just for decoration in case you needed to hide your face in embarrassment because you’re a fucking twat?!
Third, what the fuck are you trying to teach her?! How to fly when her wings are tied up and she’s falling to her death?! And she only fails if she goes ker-splat?! I think the Rainbow Factory should hire you! It’d save them from some awkward questions! You could just say ‘Hey, she didn’t learn to fly while she was a crippled. Not my problem.”
Fourth, what the fuck was with the completely forced as fuck lesson at the end?! She should be grateful you forced her into a situation where she was completely helpless and you would only save her if she opened her wings for you?! Well, I’m glad you're not my spouse! You’d probably shave my balls off because the apple pie wasn’t up to snuff!
Just add a fucking count to the flashback counter and let’s move on to hopefully something less stupid.
Flashback count: 6
And finally the Princess. She doesn’t get a name in this. She’s so unimportant to this author, she might as well just be her title. Princess.
Flashback count: 7
We then cut back to 2 days before present day with this line...
And here they were… my own friends, holding me down, in hopes of preventing me from knowing a fact far worse than any other disaster… my own future… and yet they never even knew what it was yet…
My story is going to be panned by everyone because … seriously, do I really need to go into much detail?
We finally flash forward to present day and we are finally done with the flashbacks in this story! … Oh, sorry? Did I say story? I meant, CHAPTER FUCKING ONE!
Seriously, I hesitate to even like one flashback per chapter! And this story uses 7 of them in the same fucking chapter! And they barely establish anything that couldn’t have been established in a straight timeline! These flashbacks reveal nothing, give us nothing, teach us nothing, and just serve to waste our time introducing the characters that haven’t changed from where they were four months ago! So what was the fucking point?!
Walnut asks Rainbow Dash and the other characters- I guess they get to be there; they should feel honored- about some prophecy about the void opening and how it’s messing with the space time continuum and only he can….
Zzz
zzz
zzz
zzz
Whoa! Sorry everyone! That explanation was so good that it lulled me to sleep.
After waking up from my nap, Walnut and Rainbow Dash head to the castle of Canterlot.
"Good morning, Princess Celestia. It’s very good to see you." said Twilight, making her introduction to Princess Celestia.
"Hello Princess Twilight Sparkle. It’s good to see you too." said Princess Celestia, returning the favor.
"Twilight, good to see you!" said Prince Shining Armor as he gave Twilight a hug.
"Good to see you too!" said Twilight, doing the same. "Cadence, I can see that you are doing well." said Twilight, to Princess Cadence.
"Indeed I am doing well." said Princess Cadence, replying to Twilight.
Good morning, Twilight.
Good morning, Critique.
Good morning, Applejack.
Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Twilight.
Yes, good morning… So, there’s something important we need to…
Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Applejack. Good morning, Twilight.
Good morning, Fluttershy.
Good morning, Fluttershy.
Yes, we’ve said that three times… Now, it’s really important that we…
Good morning, Critique. Good morning, Fluttershy, Good morning, Applejack. Good morning, Twi-
WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
We then flashback to
Flashback count: 8
a time when Discord attacked Walnut and tried to kill him. Well, I finally have a reason to root for Discord, since he’s about the only character who reflects the desires of the audience. Celestia claims that Discord is attacking him because of spoilers.
It turns out that Walnut knows what happens in Game of Thrones and all the characters who died and Discord is really cross about it.
Celestia takes Walnut and his friends to a dungeon beneath the castle where she wants Walnut to stick her hoof down her hole…
IN THE WALL! Come on, people! Just because I set them up, doesn’t mean you have to think like that!
Carefully, I placed my hoof into the hole, as a bright light shined through. I took my hoof out, and the hole closed. Just seconds after, we all saw something rise from the center of the vault. It was a cylinder platform that had what looked like a chest on top. Celestia then placed the chest off the platform and on the ground.
So, it unlocks a super-special-awesome place that only Walnut can unlock and it gives them the seventh Element of Harmony.
"This is an Element of Harmony, the Element that started it all…" said Celestia as she took out the crown.
"WHAT?!" said the Mane Six with surprised looks on their faces.
"This is the Element... of Leadership." said Celestia.
Okay, story, let me go get my boot! Apparently, you didn’t learn your lesson the first time I kicked you!
First off, why does there need to be a seventh Element of Harmony?! Don’t we have enough of those running around?! And if there is, how were Discord and Nightmare Moon defeated? Or was their attempt at using the Elements of Harmony so feeble, that they gave up out of pity?!
Second, ‘Element of Leadership’? At least when other stories use the seventh Element bullshit, it at least makes some semblance of sense. Using virtues that people can apply to their everyday lives. Hope, love, sacrifice, tolerance, etc. Leadership? What does that do for you? Make you shout orders better?! And what happens when Discord makes you do the opposite? You just do what everyone tell you and lack authority?!
Discord, you take his leadership! I’ll order him to jump off a cliff! He’s an earth pony; he won’t survive.
So, Celestia explains that the Element of Whatever-I-want is more powerful than all the Elements of Harmony put together, because we wouldn’t want me to be invested in this character, now would we? Instead of the other characters that I’ve grown attached to by seeing their flaws and character.
She explains that Walnut must use the Element of Leadership to defeat Discord once and for all. But Walnut isn’t sure he has what it takes.
"How should I trust you that I must do this?" I asked. "I'm just a regular Earth Pony with nothing special in particular at all."
There is no middle finger in the universe big enough for this job!
We then cut forward four months, apparently the thing with Discord just kind of solved itself. Kind of strange really. Considering that Discord was on the side of the Main Six after Princess became an alicorn princess, but what do I know?
At this point, a meeting is going on between Celestia, Shining Armor and Walnut. Walnut apparently knows everything about what is going to happen on what is called the Day of Descension. How he knows this when this has never happened before is anyone’s guess.
Actually, he discovers it in a prophecy that no one else bothered to read. There’s a metaphor here, somewhere…
And it reads that only the Element of Leadership and its bearer can stop the Day of Descension from destroying all of time and space. But fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, they know the exact time, date, and location that the fucking void is going to rip apart the world. The void must have sent them a ETA from fucking Facebook.
The group leaves to battle the void and Celestia says a line from Doctor Who.
He is a very close friend of mine… the only problem is that I know more about him now... yet he barely knows me at all" said Celestia as we were out of sight from the meeting room.
So, I guess Celestia is now playing the role of River Song and Walnut is now a doctor. Kind of unoriginal, but let’s see how this story runs with it. I’m going to take a guess, however, judging by the rest of the story. Not good.
We then flashback to eight months ago-
Flashback count: 9
where Luna discovers this character who is named the Shepherd of Fire. A Shepherd, I hope, brings all the fires of hell to this world and burns it to a crispe. I’ll get my video camera.
Apparently, this Shepherd is some kind of time traveler who knew Celestia and Luna before, but has somehow lost his memory and that he will hurt Celestia and Luna in someway that he can’t remember…
Oh, fuck it! I’m not even sure what the hell is going on anymore! I gave up about halfway through chapter one. See? This is what happens when you involve time-travel in a story that has no idea what the fuck it’s doing! I try to put the timeline together and it just confuses me! It’s like the story wanted to do a time travel story, but forgot to build a solid timeline first!
Anyway, we flash forward to another flashback
Flackback count: 10
We go to two days ago where we discover that Walnut is actually Rainbow Dash’s father. Which is kind of bullshit since we clearly see Rainbow Dash’s father in one of the episodes prior to season 4, but whatever… Nobody cares about that and just wants to see what other stupid things this story can come up with.
Walnut explains to the Main Six about what is going to happen on the Day of Descension.
During the Day of Descension, in days, the domain of the Divided delivers denizens devising dastardly dilemmas destroying dates departed and destined. While dutifully, dashing daredevils dive dauntlessly to defend the day.
Damn it, disregard the dunce!
Done with alliteration.
After that, the void finally arrives and Walnut sings the song of the Divider.
Yes, I’m a Disturbed fan. Deal with it!
Anyway, while the void starts to suck away all life in this world, not that the story hasn’t done a good job of that already, Walnut claims that only one pony can jump into the void and save the world. Which comes as a surprise to our heroes, even though the prophecy pretty much stated that one pony has to die within it.
"Star Blade please… you can’t leave us, not like this… we’re your friends, and friends always stick together till the end." said Twilight, crying almost endlessly.
But after a couple minutes, Princess got over him.
Silence… nopony spoke, not even a single sound was heard but the gateway to the ancient realm still opened, until I heard those words from Twilight that I would never forget before I left,
"I forgive you."
I forgive you for selflessly sacrificing yourself and dying a horrible death so that the rest of us can live. … Bitch…
We then get a flashback
Flackback counter: Unable to give a fuck.
Oh, great! You broke the flashback counter! Good job, story!
So the flashback shows us Walnut before he met the main six, showing us his lifestyle, how he came to be, the struggles he had to endure, the family and friends he lost in his journey of self-discovery before -
Nah, I’m just kidding. It shows him instantly befriending the Main Six.
Also, and I just noticed, this… the story switches to Princess’s point of view. It has never done that throughout the entire story. In fact, it confused the hell out of me to the point where I had to read it several times because I thought there was two Walnuts running around.
"My name? It's Star Blade, best parkour athlete in Equestria!" said the stallion, striking a pose.
"You do parkour? That usually takes a lot of time to learn?" I said.
"That is true, to most ponies. Me however, it's just as simple as watching for a long time and it comes right to you." said Star Blade.
Pfft, but of course. Just like flying comes naturally to Rainbow Dash, to the point where she never has to do anything in order to achieve difficult flying feats. Like the Sonic Rainboom. She just does it on her first try…
I’m sorry, at what point was I supposed to like this character again?
Suddenly, Luna disappears and a Royal Guard shows up to ask the Main Six for help. Oh no! What happened to Luna? Was she kidnapped by the Nightmare Forces? The Griffins to be turned into a sex slave? Pinkie Pie to be cut into cupcakes?
TWILIGHT - PRESENT TIME – 9:35 PM – 8 hours and 20 minutes after the closing of the Void
"Twilight? What’s wrong!" asked Princess Celestia as I walked into the castle.
"Princess Celestia! I'm so sorry!" I said, bursting into tears. "It's Star Blade... he..."
Oh… Enough of that plot point then.
Princess and the others go to Princess Celestia to find out what happened to Walnut. Princess drinks the potion from Zecora that allowed her to see into the past and she sees that the author has completely retconned every single scene that she saw before by putting Walnut talking to the characters, for no fucking reason!
This is probably the laziest form of changing the past to fit in your character I’ve ever seen!
When Princess comes back, she realizes that Celestia has just made up this whole story about Walnut and is planning on taking it to her publisher after Princess reads it.
"Oh my gosh, I didn't think that Star Blade would be awesome enough to have his own book! Not only that, it's history! said Rainbow Dash, before she gasped in realization. "Which means... I'm learning... I really am an egghead aren't I?"
No… I’m not kidding… You’re really reading this…
Princess agrees to take the book and proofread it. Only to discover that Celestia had accidentally written one of the worst fan fictions I have ever read.
This story sucks!
For a story that boasts about time and space with a grand adventure, this is the complete opposite of those!
The time and space thing is only told in flashbacks, not that it even counts since they are thrown together so poorly and frequently, that’s it's hard to keep track of what is going on! Not to mention that the flashbacks have no point to them to begin with. This story could have honestly been told in chronological order and really, nothing would have changed! Most of them are just to introduce a character anyway, with very little build up!
Most of the plot points in this are pretty much glimpsed over and completely forgotten! The Discord going rouge?! Yeah, where the hell did that go?! Luna disappearing? Yeah, what became of that?! She clearly comes back later in the story! So where the hell, was she? Was she just taking a shower and nopony knew before it was too late?!
These plot points could have been used to develop the character of Walnut, who I will get to in a minute, but the story doesn’t bother with that. It rather would ignore those things and hope that the audience tries to focus on the Void plot that the story keeps building up. Which frankly isn’t done that well either.
The Void thing is pretty much glanced over for all the build up it had! For 4 chapters, we build up this Void as this big, terrible, powerful thing that is going to change the shape of Equestria for all eternity, even if they do stop it! And what happens? A single pony dies! … Whoopity fucking do da!
Way to raise the stakes to the fucking limit!
This should have been the big climatic exit to how much build up it had, but it felt like the story had advertised this great comedian and all he did was fart into the microphone, give us the finger and walk off.
It wasn’t satisfying at all!
And then there is the character. The OC in this story is just awful! He’s bland, underdeveloped and has no chemistry with the Main Six, despite supposedly being best friends with them. The character himself has no personality and only serves to be a character that is so desperate for audience attention that he makes the other members of the Main Six more pathetic to make himself awesome by comparison!
That’s not good character building! You make your character good, despite the Main Six, by bringing something new to the table, that they don’t possess! Not making weaker or more pathetic so that you can look better!
Overall, this story is a mess! With no ambition, no goals, and no endgame. It’s just there. And it completely shows. The author didn’t care about this when he wrote it and I don’t care about it now, even after reading it.
Have a good day guys. Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a turkey leg with my name on it!
I'M NO LONGER ALONE.
Respect, man!
Well, this can only end badly.
Also "Pickled cock"; is that in any way related to spotted dick?
Space is warped and time is bendable.
But that's not the only problem with this sentence. What does the author mean by "Paradox in the process"? Process of what? Is this a harbinger that this is all going to be told in present or future tense (something that is a major turn-off for me when it comes to stories)?
Shouldn't that be "two"?
Gary Stu orgy party at 6.
Ebony Dark'ness Dimentia Raven Way called; she thinks you need to polish your introduction.
Don't have your characters introduce themselves like this. Their personalities, abilities, equipment, etc. should be described through dialogue and observations, not a giant text dump right at the beginning of the story. It's amateurish and let's us know you're not really putting too much effort into these characters.
Also, leather apparel in a world where most animals one would make leather out of are sapient. That's... dark. Like, Warhammer 40K dark.
Also, your first underline for Walnut is broken.
You already have one, but I'll start my own. 1
But not as much as Spike.
Thank you for summarizing everything that anyone who has ever watched the show already knows. No, I don't mind that you think we readers have the memory of a lobotomized squirrel.
Also, 2.
And that's why no one believes you.
3
*whack* OW!!!... Sorry, that was just me being hit with a bad transition. I should wear a helmet or else I might get a concussion.
So, we're up to like, what, four flashbacks and we still haven't gotten to the main plot yet?
Wish I could drink, this is painful.
Soon my ascension to full Gary Stuness will be complete. Mwa ha ha...
When I need to use flashbacks, I use one per chapter. And they're scenes unto themselves, which do a lot to expand upon characters and such.
Heck, God Empress is one giant flashback.
The sarcasm is strong with this one.
Everyone
1. So our special snowflake can be even more special and snowflakey without actually putting in the effort.
2. The seventh Element is either long range, or is a fake to throw bad guys off. Probably the latter.
3. Or this.
Ah, but he's got his robo-wings. You have to get rid of those first... either that or get some skeet shooting practice. Your call.
When Squirrel Girl does this, I find it amusing. When this loser does it, I find it frustrating.
Why? Because Squirrel Girl runs on Rule of Funny; I expect her to beat up the likes of Thanos and Fin Fang Foom off screen because it's funny. This, however, is supposed to be a serious story (right?), and Discord is a major threat (not to mention the main character just got a brand new power he's never used before). We need to see it in action, and he needs to test it out a little before he commits to use it. This is just a big cop-out so the author doesn't have to show his special snowflake exerting himself; he's just handing the world on a platter to the guy so he can look awesome without the effort of actually showing us why he's awesome.
New writers out there, don't do what this author did.
Yeah, "Don't read stories like this".
The Shepard of Victory was busy in a better galaxy.
Yo Dawg, I heard you like flashbacks...
Dutifully, I might divulge.
I think we're on 11, but I could be wrong.
Guess long exposure to these stories has turned the Critique into a carnivore... honestly, I can't blame him. This story is just a cluttered mess that even the Doctor couldn't pick his way through. Maybe your fortunes will improve, but I'm not so sure.
You know I was kind of hopping you would do this one. I've been interested to know what Shepherd of Fire was about ever since I read the review of it's semi-squeal Quest of the cool Pony on Rage Reviews. A story that is, somehow, even worse than this one if you can believe it.
3568771
3568251 Favorite Disturbed song? GO!
3569909 There's a sequel to this?! ... Oh, Christ...
3579106 Hell and/or Infection.
3579454 Warrior, Indestructible, Innocent, Hell, Infection, Vengeful One, The Night, Inside the Fire, Enough, Perfect Insanity are the ones I like, but my favorite is probably What Are You Waiting For.
3579758 NICE.
3579106 Never Again.
3579928 Ah, yes! I remember that one! A good one indeed.
My own computer decided to save you from another lengthy response by me to another review of yours. This time.
I had a lot written, then this page for no good reason, all on it's own transfers to another page, and I lost all I written. And I was near the end of this review.
I am not going to even try to write all of that again.
I will just say, this did look like another self insert, by a writer with a God complex. It looked like one from the start.
As usual, I found this review entertaining, as well as something to try and learn from.
I look forward to the next one.