Real Life, and What Comes With it, Part Two · 8:09pm Nov 21st, 2015
Hey.
How’ve you all been? Hope you’re all enjoying your November and slow transition into the winter months. My envy goes out to those in the upper midwest expected to get 13’ of snow here shortly. I love snow.
Anyway, why I’m blogging:
I’m sure you’ve all noticed how inactive I’ve been recently, especially after I had so many plans to write my ass off for three stories over October and two writeoffs that never happened for me and this NaNiPoWriMo that i’ve quite literally ignored since day one.
Life’s been… interesting lately, in both a wonderful and equally anguishing manner, and I need to get these feelings off my chest. I hope you guys don’t mind me spilling a bit of my heart out on here.
I met a girl. Around the start of October, when I moved back home for a job—my first in my career (hospital laboratory! Woo!). Job’s great, what I’ve been looking forward to for years, but I never expected to meet a girl in the lab across the hall that could just sweep me off my feet so wholly at the same time. These last two months have been both a beautiful dream and a nightmare.
We spent the first half talking, which eventually turned into what I saw as dating. Life was perfect for a solid two weeks, until she made me aware that she didn’t see all the fun things we’d done as ‘dating.’
I can get being shy and not wanting to fully express her feelings, but to hear that still hit hard, and coupling that with very little texting interaction, which has been the main form of asking her out, that has almost completely fallen to the wayside makes it hard to know what she still thinks about me. Whenever I’m with her, she’s still appears just as interested in me as when we started, but the lack of communication outside of that is still concerning. She’s been sick the last like nine days with a bad cold of some sort, but without her committed word of ‘dating’, I can’t shake that slipping, slipping, watching her fall away feeling.
I’m afraid.
Inaction, and she could simply fade out of my life. Overaction, and I risk pushing her away. Leaving it to seeing her at work is the safe plan, but that comes with the possibility of turning into nothing more than part of her routine, which could potentially lead to making me ‘just another guy’ in her eyes. And all the while I’m sitting here with little to busy myself with each day, wanting to occupy myself to some extent with anything and everything I can get my hands on to avoid said overaction.
Writing had become too hard to do, because the process of sitting still and thinking that comes with writing leads to thinking of her rather than ponies (reading’s even harder). Even video games have been hard to focus on, Fallout 4 the only thing that has been able to immerse me enough to get my mind off her.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I still had my friend base with me, but they all live two or more hours away, and with myself working night shift, it’s pretty much impossible to hang out with them. And I have almost no friends back home due to being away for five years (college/grad school).
Physical fitness has jumped way up the totem pole. I’ve bought one of those doorway pull-up bars and resistance grippers and I got back into running more consistently, but working out only takes up so much of my day. I want to stay calm about it all, but it’s near impossible to do.
Why does love hurt so much?
If you didn’t tl;dr that, thanks for reading. I feel a little better having written all that. Not looking for drama or hugboxxing, but comments and constructive thought are definitely welcome.
Anyway… I’ll try and get back on this high horse, rediscover my single-life hobbies, if only to keep myself from ruining this beautiful, delicate work of art I’ve stumbled upon. I might have something new for Mother Dearest up soon, or a short comedy oneshot I thought of the other day.
Also, I just found out thanks to wikiwalking off Present Perfect’s new blog that the guest singer for today’s episode is the lead singer for a throw-back classic rock band, and good god is she phenominal. The Deafening is now one of my favorite bands. Seriously, go check these guys out.
You can always talk to me if you need bro. You have my number.
Ohshit I know that feeling all too well. Being powerless is the worst thing ever. Hope everything turns out well.
Also, goddamn that's some sweet music. All the Joan Jett and Pretty Reckless flashbacks.
Drunken insomniac love guru ACTIVATE!
I'm sure this will be punch-me-in-the-face obvious to you right now, but the worst thing for your own sake is uncertainty. You don't know where she's coming from. You don't know how she really sees you. She's not letting you in. And that really sucks, but more importantly, it is not sustainable. Leaving yourself in this limbo state for weeks or months will drain you even further. Let's put a pin in that for a second.
As you've surmised, this girl is really special, and you really want to get closer to her. But you also seem to have identified that she's really special and already a part of your life. Being her friend is less desirable to you than dating perhaps, but you really would hate to lose her altogether, having her avoid you at work.
One thing I'm not clear of, thanks to the late night, is what has and has not gone down. You mentioned she doesn't think you're dating, but the context is important. Does she not think you are currently dating, or did she say she does not want to date?
If she simply does not think that you're dating, given the above points, what you really need here is closure. I won't pretend that I can find the words right now, but the jist that you need to convey is "look, you're special and I like you, I'd like to take things a bit more serious. If you feel the same way, great, but if you don't that's fine too. Just say the word and I won't press the issue anymore." The sort of reverse-ultimatum of "if you just want to be friends, let me know. Otherwise I'm going to throw my hat into the ring".
Getting shot down hurts. A lot. But a rejection means closure. Closure means that you can put these feelings behind you. Not in a day, and not without pain, but it's now possible. And if you approach it right, she'll see that this is your goal as well, and will respect your maturity and sincerity in this. Hopefully. Love is always a gamble, after all...
The two of you have a rapport. You have an established relationship. She should know—and you can help convey—that dating her is not you trying to get into her pants. It's cuz you care about her. She's special. She... [spins hands] makes you feel whatever poetic nonsense is going through your mind at this particular moment.
If she doesn't feel the same way about you, it may take a while for you to make peace with that. But even platonically, she'll still be awesome in your eyes. She deserves to know that.
And it sounds like you aren't forgetting, but in all this, don't forget to take care of #1. Exercise is good. Reaching out to others is good (i know you said RL is scarce at the moment, but like, this blogpost is good). Writing is understandably difficult when you're emotionally compromised, so don't fret over serious projects, but some short scenes could feel cathardic. Don't neglect the fact that your life has so much more meaning outside of this one aspect of heartache. Of course, securing closure will help you here.
Wish you the best of luck in this, man. Really do. It's not a pleasant place to be. Gird yourself for the worst, but hope for the best.
Good luck with your situation