cleverpun's Concise Critiques · 9:20pm Sep 27th, 2015
I go into every story hoping for something that will be worth commenting on. Unfortunately, not everything warrants prolonged critiquing. This is especially true of fanfiction, where many writers are still learning and improving. Here is a selection of reviews/critiques, in two sentences or less. All of these stories were found via the featured or popular boxes. Unlinked stories are rated M and are extremely NSFW: they may be found via the author links.
The Evening Sonata: Horrifying Mind Worms are Magic by Daniel-Gleebits: Attempts to be dramatic, but is undercut by melodrama and grimderp. Either bad horror that involves wonky sex, or bad erotica that does not understand how to handle unorthodox fetishes.
Friendship is Mind Control by Wintermist: Has severe pacing problems and characterization issues. The word foreplay goes on forever, and the attempt to make Twilight's corruption believable falls flat.
Obedient Little Pets by Storm Butt: Lacks focus: it switches between so many situations that all of them become equally boring. This is exacerbated by the very awkward pacing: despite being nearly 7,000 words long, everything feels skimmed over.
Wait After Knocking by Arwhale: Verisimilitude is crucial for a story about such a topic, and neither Twilight nor Spike are written well here. They feel unrealistic and bland, and a character piece is only as good as its characters.
I know there's already plenty of reviewers who specialize in groups of shorter reviews, and that porn being poorly written is nothing surprising. I read a lot of incompetent stories this week, however, and thought it might be interesting to try something different. Particularly since I'm usually a verbose person.
It's a shame about "The Evening Sonata", I've found very few stories of the sort, not just within the fandom but around the web. At least we get the original that inspired it, which I found to be quite high quality:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/279277/equestria-girls-horrifying-mind-worms-are-magic
I think I just can't find a way to search for it properly, but I've been trying pretty hard and all I could get was "Adaptation" by Tabico, which is quite good. If anyone knows where I could search, or have a few story recommendations, I'd be quite grateful.
3425348 The original had the same problems as its spinoff. Which I suppose makes it a faithful addition, but it also means both stories are equally bad.
3425425 Eh, I liked it, do you know of any good examples of this kind of story?
3425552 Do you mean a horror story with sexual elements, or grimdark porn that is actually erotic?
3425633 The second.
3425645 Not really
Eh...
3696238 That's how I felt about the story, yes :P
3696254 Hey dude, it's your opinion.
3696401 If you would like me to extrapolate upon my opinion or offer more concrete areas of growth for you, then you will need to say so instead of making passive-aggressive jabs and vague comments.
If you only commented to acknowledge my criticism without responding to it, then you don't need to be rude about it.
3696697 How am I being rude? I know how being on the internet kinda makes you think everyone must have some malevolent purpose behind their messages, but that's not the case here. You're reading far too much into it.
If you imagine me offended by the fact that you didn't like my story, then be assured that I'm not. I harbour no delusions of universal popularity.