CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #6 — To Be A Mule · 6:36am Aug 17th, 2015
Title: To Be A Mule
Author: archonix
Found via: Royal Canterlot Library feature. Also, archonix was one of the first people who ever left an erudite/engaging comment on one of my fics, so there’s that.
Short summary: A son and his father have a discussion about racism/classism/-isms.
Genre: Import Fic, Melancholy
What does this story do well?: This story’s foremost strength is how it manages to give personalities to its characters in a very short space of time. There is a distinct sense of who the two characters are, even though we only spend a brief amount of time with them. They are archetypal without being dull.
The story is also written well. It’s a bit hard to get a sense of the perspective at first, and there’s the occasional typo, but overall it’s very easy to digest. Sentences flow smoothly, actions and dialogue are balanced well, and the prose moves at a reasonable pace.
Finally, the story doesn’t feel contrived. Importing human values and attitudes and allegories into Equestria is always tricky. It runs the risk of being unsubtle or insensitive or blunt. Discrimination is a tricky topic to address even in original fiction, and importing it into Equestria is no less difficult. It requires subtlety, both to avoid contradicting the show and to maintain willing suspension. I think archonix manages that in their portrayal of exclusion and racism/classism.
Where could this story improve?: This story’s foremost problem is that it is not truly a story. There’s just not enough here. It feels like a scene from a larger story, rather than a complete work. It presents a situation and ideas and themes, but only briefly, dare I say superficially.
There is a conflict, but it is so muted that it has no impact on the reader. Neither Dilly Daliér (the main character) nor his father have any particularly engaging developments throughout the story. Obviously, being too explicit about it would have ruined one of the stories strengths. One can explore a topic, however, while still being subtle and tasteful.
I often say that good art asks questions of its audience. This feels like the setup for a question that never comes. I notice this story has several listed sequels, but one seems to be dead and the other doesn’t present much of a connection from the description alone. There's certainly a lot interesting things to explore here, but this story doesn't explore them.
In a single sentence: A scene from a larger story that doesn’t stand very well on its own.
Verdict: No vote. This story feels unfinished. It presents context and buildup for a conflict that never happens. It discusses a situation that sparks strong feelings, but only in the briefest of terms. There is power in leaving things to the reader; asking a question without giving an answer is one of the most incredible things art can do. I think this story, however, doesn’t give enough to make an impression. There’s certainly room for projection and speculation; I could make a point about how Slowpoke is the one enforcing the class differences rather than the unicorns he is lambasting, or how the arbitrary presentation of discrimination reflects real life, or numerous other academic-sounding observations. That room for analysis might be why the RCL featured it. Without more to the story, though, there’s simply not enough here to provoke real discussion, or to ask real questions.
Yup. The lack of a 'complete' conflict is something that seems to crop up nearly continuously in fanfiction. It's one thing to write some fun scenes and character interactions, but the 'X-Factor' that turns something into a larger narrative is a concept that people don't seem to grasp as easily as I'd assumed was common. Given how much else I had to learn about writing, and even basic grammar, it's a small comfort that years of roleplaying had taught me that skill many years ago.
In fact, you can see almost exactly the same conversation in my review for the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group yesterday – essentially 'if you're fine with exposition-heavy fluff, knock yourself out, otherwise there's not much to see'.
But so many people really are happy with fluff that it's hard to say it's actually a failing, rather than knowing your audience (or simply writing for yourself).
3326430 Fanfiction definitely has very different conventions and standards than fiction as a whole. Things which make no sense, which are one-note jokes stretched out to a few pages, or which violate fundamental writing conventions can succeed in fanfic in ways that they simply can't in original fiction. Whether that is because of the audience, the freedom/constraints that that working in an established setting provides, or the internet-published nature of it, I wouldn't be able to say.
I read your review, and I'd have to agree. As someone who started with original fiction and then tried fanfic, I don't really have much tolerance for stories that lack a concrete arc or conflict. As you phrased it, "low-stakes" and "no-stakes" are two very different things that cater to different tastes. It is okay to write and read stories that lack conflict, if one wants.
This story, however, is concerned with exploring an idea. In that context, I think its lack of story arc is still a detriment. Even exploratory stories need to be constructed well, to deliver information and engage the reader. This story banks exclusively on the situation sparking questions, and that relies on/caters to a very specific audience.