Critique Review: Under the Stars · 5:05pm Jul 22nd, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Today we’ll be looking at a romance fic that supposedly sucks at romance fics. I’m not making that up, that’s in the description.
Your classic i'm-not-who-I-say-I-am love story. A mare and her coltfriend are out, and he turns out to be not who he really is.
I suck at romance fics.
Okay, this is one of my pet peeves. Don’t ever tell your audience that you suck. I know you want to be humble and you want to not your audience expect too much. And… that’s exactly the problem. I already don’t expect too much from the story, so you tainted my expectation and probably the overall result of it.
Maybe putting it at the end of your story after someone has read it, allowing them to judge it for themselves without any prior opinion on it.
With that out of the way, let’s review Under the Stars by Ace Pilot
Anyway, our story begins with a pony named Whirlwind who is about to go on a picnic with her coltfriend, Toasty Marshmallow. Not exactly the most masculine name I can think of, but it’s better than Beefy McBeefstick.
He invited her to a picnic at sunset, at a hill overlooking Ponyville. The hill had no special name, as some would think, as it was just an ordinary hill with a nice view.
Why does everyone assume that hills have their own special name? I know some do, but some hills are just, well… hills. Or is this supposed to be like Make Out Reef from Spongebob?
Whirlwind raged around her house, looking for the right stuff to bring. He told her not to bring anything, but she didn't trust him with cooking.
Why?
Something I’m noticing in this story is that Whirlwind seems to be telling us a lot about her relationship with Toasty, rather than showing us. I don’t really believe that these two are in love since I really don’t have any evidence to back it up. Because of this, it’s hard to get invested with them since I don’t get to see the chemistry between them or any interactions they have prior.
Anyway, Whirlwind gathers up some food to take on their picnic and goes off to meet with Toasty.
Toasty, it seems, is already at the hill where they’ve chosen to meet and Whirlwind notices that he’s not his normal self. This would be more interesting if we had gotten to know Toasty beforehand instead of getting to know what he’s not like.
Toasty looked down, obviously expecting the question to be asked, and dreading it.
How was it obvious that a question was going to be asked? Does he do something with his ears that indicate that? A little explanation here would be great.
The night begins to fall upon the two as they enjoy their time together, sure wish we got to see that. And then we get this weird image…
Whirlwind was laughing, as Toasty had just dropped his sandwich in the grass. The ants had come and hauled it away, but were unable to get it in their underground nest. They broke it apart, piece by piece, and took it down the hole. All Toasty was able to do was watch.
Toasty: Well, nothing left to do but let the ants take it, I guess.
Whirlwind: You’re a million times their size!
Toasty: Yeah, but they used to pick on me at the playground.
Toasty is solemn, but not because of his stolen sandwich. He says he has something to confess to Whirlwind and then rather than ease her into this big secret, he just exposes himself as a changeling rather suddenly.
Well, better to rip it off like a band-aid, I guess.
Actually, this scene coupled with what Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2 thought Changelings were
Makes the scene with the ants a little bit funnier.
Whirlwind: Wait, you're a changeling?
Toasty: Yep.
Whirlwind: But aren’t you and ants the same thing?
Toasty: For the last time, they picked on me when I was a child!
Toasty (Drone is his really name, but I’m calling him Toasty because it’s funnier) is ashamed that he lied to her and revealed that the only reason initially he did this was so he could get close to Whirlwind to absorb her love. What he didn’t count on was Toasty falling in love as well.
Toasty says that he understands if Whirlwind doesn’t love him anymore, but Whirlwind, rather quickly, forgives Toasty for lying to her and trying to use her. Well, Cadance and Chrysalis made up rather quickly, so why not?
So our story ends with them confessing their love for each other. Aww… that’s precious.
Anyway…
Now before I get any emails about how I didn’t seem to rage very much during this one, that’s because for what we got, it really wasn’t horrible. It was far from what I would have liked, though. But it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen. Honestly, more length and proper polishing and this fic probably could have ended up being enjoyable.
But as short as it is, it’s over too quickly to be invested in the characters. There isn’t much on personalities either, with only Whirlwind getting spots of a personality here and there.
This story would have been more interesting if it had began from the start of their relationship rather than the end of it where they confess their love. That way we get to see how Toasty treated her when he first met her and see the transformation (no pun intended) where he does start to develop feelings for her.
It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen this thing in Fan Fiction, but I feel like what we got here was a missed opportunity.
It’s obvious some passion went into it and I honestly believe that if more time was dedicated to it, it probably would have turned out pretty okay.
Overall, these things keep me from giving it a positive rating. It was just over too quick for me. For a quick read, maybe you’ll find more enjoyment.
Have a good day guys.
***
Hey, guys. Sorry for the extremely short review this week. I'm a little swamped at the moment for the next couple of weeks with work, school and other reviews that I'm trying to do. So, I apologize for the short review this week.
Next week will be a longer review and then hopefully my schedule will be balanced enough that I can get these reviews better. So, that's all I've got. Thank you for your time and I'll see you at the next review. Until then, take care.
The link to Ace Pilot is broken.
Anyways, great review!
Awesome! Thanks so much for reviewing my story! I actually get your points, as long as the little side dialogue being absolutely hysterical! Thanks again!
Nice review. And take your time; no need to get overwhelmed
Take your time dude. Best of luck to you
The ants
Not the ants
Noooooooooooo
3260359 Should be fixed now.
3260437 I'm glad you enjoyed it. And you are most welcome. Feel free to request another review anytime.
I hope this helps you in your endeavors.