Critique Review: Mommy · 4:24pm Jul 8th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Many of you may be familiar with my headcanon concerning Scootaloo.
Apparently, some of you are. Well, for those of you who aren’t quite as familiar allow me to explain what headcanon I’m talking about. The fact that Scootaloo isn’t an orphan.
Oh, shut up!
I can’t tell you how much I hate this trope for Scootaloo. I don’t know what it is, but it’s incredibly irritating to me. Maybe it’s because I just don’t see Scootaloo as parentless. After all, just because we don’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Unless, you’re Applejack’s parents which are confirmed dead.
But we’ve never met Fluttershy’s parents, or Derpy’s or Rainbow Dash’s, why is it everyone automatically assumes that if the parents don’t show one inch of their flanks or are even mentioned, we assume they’re sleeping next to Batman’s parents!
Do you guys treat other people the same way?! If you don’t meet their parents within 2 weeks of knowing them, you assume they grow up on the street?! Of course you fucking don’t!
Which is why I’m taking a look at this fic today, Mommy by Fluttercord4ever.
This story is about Scootaloo going on a search for the mother she thought had died years ago. And that mother happens to be Fluttershy.
…
That’s technically not a spoiler because IT’S IN THE FUCKING COVER ART!
I’m not even kidding! Look, LOOK!
A cute image for… let’s say… the end of a story, but when you use that as the cover art for your story, you might as well show a big sign on your story saying “Yeah, don’t bother reading it. I pretty much gave away the surprise ending by the first page.”
What? Did the story had so little confidence in itself that it thought that it couldn’t get an audience for it? So it had to assure us that a happy ending was possible? Imagine if other fics did this.
Like Mare of Steel with Rainbow Dash standing over General Zod. It kind of kills the suspense and destroys our investment.
We open our story with…
Jesus, you little brats!
The Crusaders decide to take up the cause of caring for animals to get their cutie marks. Scootaloo volunteers to rush over to Fluttershy’s house to ask her if they can borrow some. Um… what are Sweetie Belle and Applebloom doing that they can’t tag along?
Well, I guess they did just get out of school and maybe they didn’t have access to the wagon they usually do. … You win this round, story…
So, Scootaloo rides ahead to talk to Fluttershy and as she travels through the town, she sees a mother and daughter having a moment together.
If only I knew my mommy, it's to bad whoever she is... is dead," Scootaloo thought to herself.
Wait… how does she know she’s dead? Scootaloo never mentions a note, or anyone telling her that her mother is dead. So, how does she know that her mother died?! … I mean, we know she didn’t (again, great suspense there, story), but how did Scootaloo find out that she died if she never had anything on her mother to go on? Did Fluttershy tell her herself? … For that matter, how old was Fluttershy when she had Scootaloo?
You mean to tell me she wasn’t even finished with Flight School before she got knocked up!
And apparently, this causes Scootaloo to break down and cry… Um… I know I’m suppose to feel bad at this point and I probably should. Losing a parent is no laughing matter. It’s a difficult thing to do. And don’t make this more than it is, but what the hell brought this on?!
I mean, I understand it being difficult to see a mother and daughter happy when you never had one. I can understand how you’d be upset by this, but crying in public like this… I don’t know… Maybe if it had been recently. Or is it supposed to be recently and the story just doesn’t bother telling us?
Anyway, in a town of ponies that are about friendship and magic, they see a little girl crying in the street… Meh, just ignore it. It will probably solve itself.
Filly: I’m lost and I can’t find my mommy!
Critique: Oh, grow up, you little twerp.
Filly: *Cries*
Critique: Yeah, yeah, cry. That’s all you’re good for.
But Fluttershy comes to comfort Scootaloo and Scootaloo instantly cheers up. … What is she? Bipolar?
Anyway, Scootaloo explains what the Crusaders are planning to do today and Fluttershy is hesitant, but allows the Crusaders a chance to take care of her friends. I can see why, considering the last time, they almost got turned to stone by a Cockatrice. I can easily see why Fluttershy would allow them to take care of her other friends. Let’s see how well that works.
It was an accident…
She’s so adorable when she’s bloodthirsty.
Anyway, the two make their way to the cottage and it copies the scene from Dragon Quest about Angel eating her carrot too fast. I guess the story didn’t have anything to throw at us, so it just decided to throw its knowledge of the show at us. Knowledge that even my 7 year old niece would know… This story is on par with a 7 year old. That should tell you something.
So, Scootaloo goes inside the house and takes a look around.
Looking around Scootaloo saw a seat on the couch in the den (quite literally a den in Fluttershy's case). She walked over to it, in doing so she accidentally clipped a mouse's tail with her hoof. With a loud "SQUEAK" from the mouse, it caused Scootaloo to loose her balance and trip into a bookcase.
So, I guess that her balance was tied up or something? How else would you explain it?
Critique: I am holding your balance hostage! If you ever want to see it again, pay me your dignity and your peripheral vision!
A book, by fucking coincidence, falls from the shelf and lands on Scootaloo. She decides to open up the book seeing the image of Fluttershy pregnant. … So, she was knocked up when she was a child? … When the flying fuck did that happened?
Okay, story, you’ve got your chance here.
Scootaloo has just found out that Fluttershy was pregnant with her and is her mother. Okay, story, you’ve got a lot to explain and I just know I’m going to be disappointed, but… I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. So… please, explain. Why was Fluttershy pregnant when she was a filly? Why she gave up Scootaloo? Why she never told Scootaloo? Why she was never given custody of Scootaloo? Why her parents never went after the bastard that got Fluttershy pregnant in the first place?! And more importantly, why is there a lack of caring on my part?
So, go ahead story… Show me what you’ve got.
Scootaloo goes through all the emotions of learning that some mare she knows is her mother… All half a sentence of them. And Fluttershy begins to explain why she couldn’t let Scootaloo know.
It turns out that Fluttershy left her in an orphanage to protect her from… her father!
It turns out that Scootaloo’s father was a mean pony. Well, he’d have to be, he commited pedofilla. And he was also abusive to her. Again, I know that I’m supposed to feel bad for Fluttershy at this point, but what the fucking hell?! Fluttershy was a fucking little girl at the time of Scootaloo’s birth! That’s not my own bullshit timeline here, that’s the timeline of the show!
And some of you might be thinking, “Well, it might be an alternate reality!” There is nothing to indicate that! There is nothing in the description to indicate that! Not the taglines! Nothing! So, this timeline thing makes no sense!
And assume she was beaten, how did Fluttershy’s parents allow this kind of thing?! Or are we assuming that Fluttershy is an orphan too?! Except that can’t be the explanation because when Scootaloo was looking through the scrapbook, we saw Fluttershy’s mother! So, how could she allow him to beat on her daughter? Or was this some kind of double standard bullshit?! When I beat her, I’m the fucking bad guy to her! But when noname does it, he should be worshiped! It’s because of his flank, isn’t it?!
Fluttershy starts to explain who Scootaloo’s father actually was. It turns out that her father was kind of a dick who liked to beat Fluttershy. Horrifying enough, but just wait… the stupid has just begun. … If it didn’t already for you. In which case, Fluttershy explains to him that she wants Pinkie Pie to throw a baby shower for her… Again, filly Fluttershy wants filly Pinkie Pie to throw a baby shower for her. Does anyone see this as weird?
During the planning stages, Fluttershy explains to Rainbow Dash about how her boyfriend beats her and that Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash, the pony who constantly stands up for her, defends her during her time of weakness, keeps her from getting bullied and hurt, does all of these things and tells the dick to piss off and… you’re not buying it for a second, aren’t you?
Nope. Rainbow Dash does what any ‘friend’ who just found out that her friend was being beaten by her ‘husband’, absolutely nucking fothing!
Jesus Christ, you couldn’t even get Rainbow Dash’s protective personality right! And that’s one of the biggest, BIGGEST issues with this story! Nopony in this story has been written well. With Scootaloo being an adult in a child’s body or being extremely emotional for no apparent reason, Fluttershy abandoning Scootaloo for a dumbass reason, and Rainbow Dash showing little to no concern for her friend, the characters in this story are nothing, NOTHING like their show counterparts!
So, they get to the party and dickhead picks up Fluttershy. The pregnant filly Fluttershy and flies around the room with her. Good, I’m sure that will be good for the baby. No wonder Scootaloo will never be able to fly.
… Haven’t seen season 5 yet.
This upsets Fluttershy since she knows a beating is in her future. She runs to the bathroom and Rainbow Dash follows her. And it’s at this point that I question the atrocious writing for this thing… Go ahead, take a look at this.
"Oh my gosh Flutters, what happened to you did Pinkie Pie make you the cake?"
I think that was supposed to be a joke since Fluttershy has cake on her face, but honestly, I think this is just worded so awkwardly that it doesn’t immediately come across as that.
"Yes, but he did it just to back me smile. In which I did and I smashed cake on his face. Then he picks me up, which I was scared that he'll drop me, like he did before. When I begged him to stop, he frowns and puts me down. Oh Rainbow, he is going to hurt me when we get home and he might hurt my baby."
Oh, my god! Have some consistency with your tenses?! This is one of the most horribly written dialogue in this story! Between the spelling, tense shifts, and word choices, this one hurt me! Again, I know I supposed to feel bad for Fluttershy, but the writing isn’t helping. Instead, I feel bad for me! Because I’m the one who has to read this piece of shit!
And even knowing this, what does Rainbow Dash do? Absolutely goddamn-son-of-a-bitch-fucking nothing!
Good fuck, why would Rainbow Dash not tell someone who could help her? The reason why Fluttershy doesn’t want to involve the police is because she’s afraid that the stallion who beats her will be upset! Yes, this does happen, but Rainbow… why do you keep listening to her? She’s clearly not right in the head! She clearly doesn’t know what’s best for her! So, you need to do the right thing! Even if it hurts her! She’ll hate you for it for a while, but in the end, she’ll realize, you did it because you care about her!
But you don’t fucking care! You don’t give a shit what happens to her! You only care about yourself and your relationship to Fluttershy! Not her safety!
For that matter, why does Fluttershy have a husband?!
You know what… fuck this story… I don’t care… Let’s move on…
So a few minutes later… The police arrive… Um… Brought in by… Rainbow Dash...
Uh…
Well… this is certainly awkward… Um… Rainbow Dash… is best pony?
Yeah, I kind of deserved that…
So, after I wrote a three page apology letter to Rainbow Dash, the husband makes some very violent claims.
"THERE IS NO EXCUSES TO HELP YOU NOW MY BUTTERFLY! WHEN I GET OUT I AM GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE BABY OF YOURS! WHEN I AM FINISH KILLING IT, I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER!"
You know… being arrested as many times as I have, I’m a tad familiar with what cops usually say when they arrest you and… Don’t they usually say this?
Bronze Bolt: You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law!
"THERE IS NO EXCUSES TO HELP YOU NOW MY BUTTERFLY! WHEN I GET OUT I AM GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE BABY OF YOURS! WHEN I AM FINISH KILLING IT, I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER!"
Bronze Bolt: Well, consider that used in a court of law.
Critique: Fuck…
And after the cops arrest the guy who just threatened to kill someone’s baby, pretty much solidifying that he’s not going anywhere, Fluttershy freaks out on all her friends. Funny, I don’t remember that ever happening in the show. Especially since Fluttershy filly NEVER MET FILLY TWILIGHT AND SPIKE!
There is no excuse now! This literally said that Fluttershy knew Twilight and Spike 7 years… 7 YEARS BEFORE THE EPISODE ‘CALL OF THE CUTIE’! I don’t think it took 7 years between the first episode and that episode! Fuck, IN THE FIRST EPISODE, WE SEE APPLEBLOOM!
DID YOU JUST FORGET?!
Look at that face. Look at that sad face. How could you forget a sad wittle face wike dat?
So, time passes by and filly Fluttershy finally gives birth to Scootaloo. Again, we’re not going to point that out, apparently. And Fluttershy says that the only way for Scootaloo to be safe is to put her in an orphanage.
Yep. The only way for Scootaloo to be safe is to send her to be alone for the rest of her life. Nope. I don’t buy it. Not one bit.
"I-I don't want Scootaloo get hurt or even murder. I have no chose but to give her to the orphanage."
No. Nope. Not a chance. Sorry, I don’t believe.
"But Fluttershy are you sure you want this. I mean she wont know that you are her mother."
No. You’re not getting this, story. You lose. This premise. The entire reason why Fluttershy gives Scootaloo away to an orphanage… makes no fucking sense.
There are literally hundreds of other ways you can get around this. Fluttershy could move to another location. Hell, she does that. She could change her name. She could change her identity. She could send the child to live with her parents. She could send Scootaloo to live with a foster family or be put into protective custody.
There are other ways around this! But no, clearly the only solution that our ‘heroic’ main six can come up with is to abandon a child because any other course of action would be taking responsibility! And, pfft, fuck, we know we can’t have that!
So, Fluttershy takes Scootaloo to an orphanage and we cut back to present day where… Fluttershy is waking up from a horrible nightmare?
Okay, not really, but believe me, you only feel half as betrayed as I fucking did.
Apparently, remembering the past caused Fluttershy to pass out and Scootaloo has just been sitting there trying to wake up Fluttershy. Well, I’m glad the one character who wanted to know about this information got screwed out of it. Instead, it was given to an audience WHO DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK!
Scootaloo heads on home after the Cutie Mark Crusaders have their little moment with their animal friends and Scootaloo meets a mysterious stallion on her way home.
"Yes, Scootaloo. I am your dad. It took me 7 years to find you. Your mother hidden you will."
Ugh… This is like the worst parts of ‘Arrow’ rolled into one story. Only with terrible spelling and grammar.
Dickhead finds Scootaloo and kidnaps her, probably to kill her. Thank god, she needed to get out of this fic and our story ends with Scootaloo screaming for Fluttershy to save her.
Oh… I really don’t like this one.
Between the premise that makes no fucking sense, the spelling and grammar that are just atrocious and the fact that this story was clearly hastily thrown together to get this happy little headcanon out as fast as possible make it a difficult read.
Look, if you want to make Fluttershy Scootaloo’s mother, fine. More power to you. But please tell me you’d try a little bit harder than this!
The reason for Fluttershy having Scootaloo makes no sense, Fluttershy’s reactions are never explored to being knocked up as a filly. Her parent’s thoughts are never explored. The history of the show is casted aside.
And assuming that this is some kind of alternate world, that doesn’t stop this story from being ungodly rushed. The story blazes through any kind of emotional connection between Fluttershy and Scootaloo. We never get to establish a relationship with them and how they could be mother and daughter.
Hell, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have a more powerful connection in this story AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE MAIN FOCUS OF THE STORY!
Instead, we spend the majority of the story with the dumbass flashback! Which even then felt painfully rushed. We ultimately learn nothing about Scootaloo’s father, except that he’s a fucking psychopath that can scream that he’s gonna blow up a building with a bomb strapped to his chest, and no pony would think about it twice.
The reason why Fluttershy abandons Scootaloo is so, so weak. I realize she’s emotional, but there are thousands of ways to go around it.
And the worst offense… the cliffhanger. This story… doesn’t need a cliffhanger. It does not need a sequel. It did not need to end with Scootaloo being kidnapped by a character who literally comes out of fucking nowhere and claims to have a role in this story.
I’m sorry, he has no reason to be in this story and he has no reason to make me suffer through another one of these.
And I can’t tell you how much I’m not looking forward to the ending of this story.
Have a good day guys. Now where the hell is Computer?
***
Celestia sat on her throne as a monitor appeared in front of her. With a smile, she glanced over to the pair of eyes that gazed upon her. “Thank you for coming, Miss Computer.”
The monitor, held aloft by a large mechanical arm, gave a nod. “It is no trouble, your highness.”
“I am glad you have been able to assist the research team here in Canterlot,” Celestia said. “But that’s not the reason I asked you to come.”
“It is not?”
Celestia glanced away. “The truth is, we are aware of who is attacking Mr. Coin.”
Computer blinked her eyes as the words sunk into her audio processors. “What?”
With a deep breath and a sigh, Celestia continued. “The stallion in charge of these attacks is named Celesto. The Grand Ruler of Unicornicopia.”
“Unicornicopia?” Computer repeated. “That is what Lightning told us he was a citizen of. Are you saying that Lightning was one of his?”
Celestia nodded and turned back to her. “I was only able to discover this when we arrested Daimon, the human with super strength. While we had kept a close watch for any more of his troops, I had no anticipated the attack on the prison.” Celestia closed her eyes. “Something I would not let happen again.”
Her horn began to glow, lifting a photo from a nearby folder on the armrest of her seat. She held it aloft in front of Computer. The photo carried the image of the new warden of the Canterlot Penitentiary. “Professor Brain?” Computer asked. “What about him?”
“He is a spy for the Grand Ruler,” Celestia admitted. “And he thinks he has us fooled.”
Computer processors began to unravel all the images and sounds she had absorbed when taking in the details of the breakout. Unlike her master, she had been keeping up with the media. A simple matter for her. “You let him become warden?”
“Yes and we give him space enough to let him think we aren’t on to him.” With a shine from her horn, the monitor screen split into two images. One containing the pair of eyes that belonged to Computer. The other, an office with an elderly stallion sitting in a chair.
“You are spying on him. Clever.”
Celestia smiled. “As flattered as I am, I did not bring you here to hear you praise me. I am asking you to aid in monitoring him as well as asking you not to tell Mr. Coin.”
“You know I would assist in keeping an eye on Professor Brain. But why can I not tell my master?”
With a shake of her head, Celestia responded. “You know how eccentric he is. How easily he can lose his temper, causing him to make irrational choices. If he knew that Professor Brain was connected to the threats on his life, Mr. Coin would no doubt act against him. Most likely tipping him off.”
Computer thought this through. She looked for any kind of defense she could use to justify telling him. None came. There was nothing that Celestia said that was wrong. Her master would go ballistic and demand to see Professor Brain. Most likely to attack him. She would no doubt try to explain to him to wait, but knowing her master as she did, he would listen to her as well as he would listen to Celestia.
Not at all.
Celestia’s logic was sound. “I understand.” Computer replied. While an unknown feeling made it’s way into Computer’s systems, causing her to believe that she could reason with her master, she knew in the end, logically, his track record of behaving irrationally would win out.
“Until we can find out what the Grand Ruler wants from Mr. Coin, he can’t know about Professor Brain.”
With that, Computer gave a nod and disappeared from the monitor of Canterlot and within a few seconds was home in Ponyville.
Good review, but I still maintain that Scoots in an orphan. It's been five years IRL, and at least one year in-show. You don't go THAT long without even mentioning her parents. Also, we HAVE seen RD's parents... or at least one of them. We see her dad in Games Ponies Play.
3219523 Very true. I mean... The fact she's living in a clear house doesn't equal out to parents.... Living with extended family maybe? Foster family? Either way it doesn't automatically mean parents... But it also doesn't mean she doesn't either.
Well, I personally don't care for it, so I can see where you're coming from.
For the longest while, the only cover art I had was the Man of Steel Superman S.
Well, it's better than going out to catch/kill a manticore
Scoots is like, what, ten? Eleven? Do kids that age ever talk like that?
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20150202085359/disney/images/4/44/Inside-Out-34.png
That's just wrong...
Given your character, I can almost see that... and it's "twerp"
"Careful, though; the newest one's a bit rough..."
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20150608213312/jurassicpark/images/5/5b/Jurassic-World-Velociraptors-4.png
Because I have a headcanon where Blue ends up in Equestria and makes Fluttershy her new alpha.
You do know Angel's a dude, right?
...
Well, obviously I did something wrong in all my stories! Screw 1-7 chapters of stewing and emotional development, I should have done everything in one sentence!
I don't want to say that I know a lot about abusive relationships, but sometimes abusers and dicks can be amazing spin doctors and have a nice facade of niceness.
Given that, as far as we know, they didn't meet until much later, yeah that's weird.
....
Instead of lobotomizing him with heat vision? Or flying him to the desert and leaving him there before he realizes that something's happening? Or bodyslamming him into a mountain?!
Wait, not only is this not the same fic, Rainbow didn't even know she was a superpowered alien when she was in flight school.
Wow, that's just bad.
He had just stumbled out of a blue box and was asking for apples.
Flashbacks are like guns; in the hands of a trained professional, they are useful, but in the hands of... not so trained professionals, they're dangerous to everyone.
See above, but with cliff hangers.
And we have some development in the metaplot... but you might want to go back through and make sure that all of Computer's dialogue is colored.
Good review, can't wait for next week
3219523
Wow, I don't remember that. It was in Season 3, so I probably didn't even notice. I'll have to go back and view that sometime.
3219770 If you like Scootaloo as an orphan as your head canon, I'll respect that. There's nothing technically wrong with it, but it bugs me. It just bugs the crap out of me. And I don't know why. It just bothers me.
3221926
You know the more stories I read on this site, the more I discover how many writers can't write kid characters.
You know what, I do that every time!
I don't know why I always think Angel is a girl. I really have no idea.
Ooooo, I can't wait to see how Critique reacts to this information.
I might sight this as a typo, if I didn't think this was on purpose for some reason.
Over all, this critique was funny as usual. Glad to see more from you.
3222053
Yea, I think I might have a problem with doing that as well. One, Dazzle, she dose not always act her age, though it is part of her character. I know, not a good excuse.
Have a guy at work that thought Tails in the Sonic games, comics, and cartoons is a girl. I had to correct him. It happens if one dose not come across a good reference for one's self to know for sure.
In the case of Angel I do believe Fluttershy dose call him a "he," from time to time. Now I feel I need to look over a show or two, just to refresh my own memory. You know, just to be sure.
3221926
I do flashbacks in my stories. Perhaps, too many in my last story. Yes, I wave them around like a monkey that has found something unusual and shiny.
3272190
Really depends on the character, though.
I do too. It's all good, though
3272705
True. What I mean to say is it's all in how the character is presented, and if the writer can pull off making in a convincing way one so different as her to a given norm readers may be comfortable with seeing. Wow, that is an exasperatingly long sentence. Another prob I have within my stories.
More simply put, it is no excuse to just present an out of norm character. A gifted story teller would know how to give either a good reason why one is this way, or make the story about the character so compelling that the reader might forget to ask why the character is this way and just be enjoying the fact that he or she is, just for the fun of it. Just like in the cartoon.
Dazzle is a little complex and a little beyond the scope of the story she is in, to tell about all of her. She was meant to be built up a little more in later stories. She is also a bit of an amphibious undertaking by me to try and create such a character.
Amphibious, in that my story telling as of yet is less than admirable. You can see for yourself how each of my stories rank. It is sad.
The cartoon itself has things in it that is not explained well. Such as, why Twilight was able to do so many high level transformation spells all at once at such a young age, and just before she got her cutie mark? How one so young was able to use such magic was not told. Yet it is just simply excepted that she could.
Good story telling? That is debatable.
Wish I could say the same of mine.
A little of my story telling is just that. Much story telling. In that I also still suffer in my writing what spideremblembrony has said about parts of this story. Showing, rather than telling. It can be a bit tricky doing that within a flashback. Mostly when it is one person in the story telling another person in it some event of the past. In this I feel telling rather than showing fits. I am still learning however, and not yet a gifted enough writer to say what dose fit well for any given story, but I do try just the same.
Nice to know flashbacks works for you in your witting in how you go about using it.