• Member Since 8th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 9th, 2018

fluttercord4ever


E

Scootaloo always wonder who was her mother was. She always thought she died along time ago, but it turns out her mother was there in front of her the whole time.

Editor- Vale Decem

Sequel- Daddy http://www.fimfiction.net/story/211413/daddy

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Chapters (3)
Comments ( 121 )

4760741 I'll have the next chapter sometime this week. Most likely Wed or Thurs

fluttercord4ever i have a question why dose this chapter say it was put up on 23rd Jul 2014

4760807 ok lol and please make a lot of chapters for this story

4760819 yeah and what to you mean by i'll try

4760827 idk how long this story is going to be. maybe 3, 4 chapters.

4760859 ok and can't you add more chapters then 3 or 4 chapters for this story

4760877 ok and if you can't add more then 3 or 4 chapters for this story then you can always make a sequel for this story that has a lot of chapters in it with Slice of Life tag

4760902 i could make a sequel in the future.

4760914 ok and please make a sequel for this story in the future once this story is complete

4761092 lol i could stare at that for days ans just laugh:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Color me intrigued, well written start can't wait to see where you go from here

i love this story i need more!!!!!!:pinkiecrazy::flutterrage::flutterrage::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:





:yay::scootangel::yay::scootangel:

A tad rushed,but still great /\_/\ just needs better grammar/spelling. I still loved it :D

The notion certainly is interesting, but serious problems hold this fic back to a phenemonal degree.

The first point, and probably most critical, is pacing. Yes, it is hard to think up words to make the story go at a set pace, but until you do so you are going to get nowhere as a writer. Read your work out loud. Let me repeat that: read your work out loud. This is the absolute best way to come to a better understanding of how it sounds to the reader and how you can help them follow the plot threads you are setting up. Not to mention that you are clearly setting up a scenario that you want to happen and not building up the tension as is necessary. The plot here exists not as a natural progression of events but as a way for you to get to the bits you want to happen. None of the characters are doing much of what they would do.

Second is voice. The characters are misutilized here, and it shows. Other than a cliché catchphrase nothing you write here sounds like the CMC. Even from the very title itself, does Scootaloo seem like the type who would use the word "mommy?" Personally, I think that in just about any circumstance something more akin to "mom" or (if you're feeling rustic) "ma" would fit the filly better. Keep in mind that if you want your characters to come alive they have to be real, and the only way you can do that is to make them real on the page.

With both the above in mind I would suggest a heaping helping of tone in your work, to. Read aloud: "The swordsman drew his sword." First of all, it feels awkward on the tongue. Not only that, but it feel repetitious and dry. Compare: "Standing resolute, the skilled blademaster reached to his back and with the slight keening of metal drew his sword". Feels better, sounds cooler, and creates atmosphere that wouldn't exist otherwise. The key to this (and the key to good writing in general) is attention to detail. Don't bog down your work with detail after detail, but even if you are not addressing them they need to be there. The story needs to be real, and you need to make it real, and knowing all the details, then knowing which ones you should present to your audience is the most important part of this.

I would suggest you work on that to begin with. Hell, I'll favorite this story if you like so I can measure your improvement if you ask me to. There is whole lot to storycraft, but starting with pacing, voice, and tone are the building blocks to being a fantastic writer.

“Mother” by MrConradThe Duck ????????

Cute... no adorable. Awwwww:fluttercry:

A little fast paced and could use some corrections and what not, but a good concept all the same. I look forward to seeing where you take this. (^__^)

I like it. keep it up. Fav and like.:twilightsmile:

I like the idea, but it needs a lot of work. 4761619 did a really good job of explaining most of the problems with this fic, just something to think about to really make this fic great. Also it could use a little more editing, there were a lot of mistakes. I'll give it a fave, because I really like the idea of this story, and I really do hope to see it improve over the next few chapters.

Scootaloo said to Apple bloom and Sweetie belle as she started to ride her scooter to Fluttershy cottage. As Scootaloo ride she saw a filly with her mother. They were smiling and laughing. Scootaloo stopped and looked at them with a sad look.

"If only I knew my mommy. It's to bad that my mommy is dead."

Scootaloo said to herself, trying her best not to cry.

"I wonder what mommy looked like? Does she look like me? Is she kind or is she mean? I don't know. If only I had a picture of her or at least a note, so that at least I can have something from her. Why did she left me at an orphanage? Was I just nothing to her? Was i not perfect for her? Oh Mommy I miss you so much."

*eye twitch*
Okay, first off... This feels very OOC for Scootaloo... She would not allow herself to cry in public. Scootaloo doesn't do "sappy". It's "uncool". Second, there are several contradictions in this bit of dialogue. First, Scoots says that her mom is dead, but then wonders if she was left at the orphanage because she was unwanted. Which is it? Third, don't just say what a character is doing (i.e. "trying her best not to cry")... You need to show us through their actions. Paint a picture of the scene using your words. Show us how the look she gives is sad.

As one of my previous English teachers used to say... "Don't just say that the lady screamed. Bring her out on stage and let her do it herself."

4763179 what he said. Also, everything's just too damn zippy. Set a scene, let us get a feel for what's going on. This is just... Stuff stuff stuff, really fast, no building, no breathing.

TLC

Finally! I've heard of this idea of Fluttershy being Scoot's mom so many times but there are so little fics! I am defiantly reading this later. :twilightsmile:

4763443 there's a fair number of them.


4760752 this isn't bad, you may want to find an editor as I counted more than a few mistakes and work a little more on show don't tell

4763522 i agree with you big time

4764987

To effectively communicate with other human beings you're going to need a bit more than a sideways face.

Out of nowhere Scootaloo wonders about her mother. Not to completely harp on you but it feels forced. If wrote this I would make Scootaloo look at some happy (or maybe some unhappy) families.

4761619 This here. This is fantastic advice to all new authors.

Comment posted by Dharkstaar deleted Aug 3rd, 2014

4767484 Thank you for the advice and yes this is in some ways is the prologue. Also thank you for believing in me.:twilightsmile:

4767718 I find it enjoyable looking at the pictures and videos. :twilightsmile: I am glad you liked my story

4767923 dude the sooner you make the next chapter is when I go back to being sain

4767484 I just want to tell you right now that that is not how criticism works. Telling someone that they can't criticize something when they can't prove that they can do better is a bullshit argument. Do you think critics for video games actually make video games themselves? No, not many do. If there are some out there who do, I haven't heard of them.

Criticism is given so that the content creators can improve, and not just to spew hatred. If something has flaws, then those flaws should be apparent. Grammatical issues are still issues, and for some they make the story tougher to read and understand. These problems are not the readers' faults, but the author's.

4767484

Well, you DIDN'T write it, so what point is there is criticizing the author in that fashion?

Criticism is a great way to improve if the creator of the thing criticized isn't totally immature. And I encourage the writer to go on. Even if this turns out a failure (which with a start like this you have to do it intentionally) he could still learn from it.

Honestly, doesn't anyone have any tact anymore or is that a dead or dying thing? Sure, there are grammar issues with this story, but with a little work, it could be something great.

No doubt about that.

Just one other thing, if YOU think that YOU can do a better job at writing a story like this, then prove it. Don't just sit there being an armchair critic.

I'm a bed critic, thank very much. Actually I'm not that much of a critic, and I'm only a jerk to friends.

And want to me to do a Fluttershy is Scootaloo mother story? Well it's sort of a different take, and based on someone else's story but expended upon.

You had only to click on my name to find it out.
If I truly was an armchair critic I would have no stories, instead of the current eleven.
Here it is: Fluttershy's Second Greatest Secret

P.S. I wasn't comparing this story to before you start accusing.

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