How Is This For a Story Opening? · 6:42pm Jun 12th, 2015
I'm working on "Show, not tell," and "Introduce details slowly through the plot rather than exposition dump". Story title and description in first comment.
Monday
It's 5:28 when Erstwhile finally trots through our apartment's front door and meekly mutters that he's home, and I know that he said he might be late, and I know that he's been helping grade final projects, and I know that he has to fly halfway across the asteroid to get here, but I'm still annoyed, because I like being annoyed and his tardiness is an easy target.
"You're late," I grouch as he slides his saddle bags limply onto the floor and staggers into the restroom to wash up, and he loves me so much that he doesn't even try to defend himself from this fact. I sit there dumbly at the table, waiting for him.
A minute later he finally flops upon a stool and for the first time today we look at each other. I'm about to tell him the dinner offerings, but he cuts me off with an unneeded apology "Yes, I know, this was supposed to be a late lunch. I'm sorry. School is crazy right now." And he says it with such a downward inflection that I can't help but feel guilty.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I snipped at you. I'm just hungry."
"You could have eaten you know. No need to wait for me."
"I know," I reply. "But I actually like eating with you, believe it or not." He smiles at this, but returns to staring at the table blankly.
"I made us a fruit salad," I say. "I figured it's hard to go wrong with that. Is... it missing something?"
"No, no, it looks lovely. I think I'm missing something." As if to cue me in, a yawn.
"Ah yes, coffee!" I bounce over to the stove and grab the coffee pot. It's not until I grab a cup from the cabinet with a wing that I realize I've got the pot in my telekinesis. I almost drop it in pleasant surprise, but manage to get both containers over to my coltfriend intact.
"Wow, you're getting better," he complements, half jokingly.
"I should hope so," I say as I sit down myself. "It's been three and a half years."
"That long, really? Time sure does fly."
"Yes it does," I answer perfunctorily. "Now let's eat. I'm hungry."
"Agreed," and with that a mango slice is speared upon his fang.
The Long Lost 576th Element
They say that long ago, when Twilight Sparkle of the Evening Sky ascended to princesshood, she walked among the ethereal plains, and it was there that she received her wings and strength. When Celestia decided it was my time to become a princess, I got a strap-on horn and a gym membership in the mail. My name is Snicker Doodle, and I am the bearer of the 576th Element, Princess of Dandelions.
Seems like a decent enough start overall. Some things:
That first paragraph is a single, four-line sentence. That needs to be broken up, I think.
Any of those times that you have one dialogue descriptor such as this:
I personally would prefer that the "I say" portion be changed to something more descriptive. I know that the character is saying it, so why not use that real estate to build the scene? What is the character doing? That would be more interesting to me.
"I made us a fruit salad. I figured it's hard to go wrong with that." I push the bowl across the table to him, but he's slow to reach for it. "Is... is it missing something?"
I'm also not a big fan of things like "he complements" [sic] or "I grouch", but that's a personal preference. It just seems needless to me. I get that it's grouchy or that it's a compliment. I don't really need to be told again.
3142363
Good advice. Thanks.
3B370Q6230EDDB80FE741700201A994FE8K183700520000080CC733FFF7FFF02107F3FCC004CB2
http://generalzoi.deviantart.com/art/Pony-Creator-Full-Version-254295904
Yes, this is a great example. Just casually mention the asteroid like it's no big deal, just like the rest of the stuff in that list.
This isn't as good, though. It's trying to do things on two different levels, and they don't quite mesh. Why is having the pot in her telekinesis surprising or notable? Because it reveals she's an alicorn; but surely she'd already be aware of that, so it doesn't come across as casual as the asteroid. It's not until later that we learn the in-universe reason why it's notable. I'd suggest putting the "Wow, you're getting better" line first, to help set up that second level, and then having her notice she's holding the teapot.
3142607 ahh, good point
Seems like it would be fun, though the description isn't much to go on in that respect.
3142363
Those are known as "said bookisms". They are considered bad writing because they are, as you said, redundant. The context, descriptions and most of all the dialogue itself should convey that information.
That being said, they can serve to provide emphasis if used very, very sparingly.