The Heart of an Author - The Abridged (And Way Meaner to Fluttershy) Version · 5:54pm Apr 1st, 2015
For those of you who don't have time to read 140k words of pretentious metafictional navel gazing.
Contains actual spoilers for Heart of an Author under the break, if you care about that sort of thing.
This excerpt is stylized after the characterization of Twilight and Fluttershy from FlimFlamFilosophy's Mentally Advanced Series
Fluttershy: “H-hi, Twilight…
Twilight: “Oh, great. It’s you. Look, I’m super busy right now. What do you want, and make it fast.
Fluttershy: “Oh, um, it’s nothing really, I guess. It’s not that important.”
Twilight: “Really? That’s great. Goodbye.”
Fluttershy: “No, wait!” It’s, um, I did have something, and it is important… please…”
Twilight: “Shit or get off the pot, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy: I wrote a book! I um, please look at it for me and tell me what you think?”
Twilight: “... I’m not reading your shitty fanfic. Go home and make Rainbow Dash do it or something.”
Fluttershy: “I’m… not really sure if she knows how to read. And, um, it has to be you who reads it, otherwise it doesn’t mean anything.”
Twilight: “That doesn’t make any sense. It’s a book, Fluttershy. I’m not some magical literary critic who can make you not suck at writing. Find someone else.”
Fluttershy: “Please! It’s, um, really important to me, and it has to be you. You’ll see when you read it, I promise… I’ll do anything!”
Twilight: “Holy shit you are pathetic. Fine, I’ll read your stupid story. It’s going to suck, and I’m going to tell you how terrible it is, and you’re going to go home and cry yourself to sleep. Are you really sure you want that?”
Fluttershy: “Yes…”
Twilight: “Let me see it. Let’s see here… ‘The Legend of Dragon-Mare Manor’? Dumb title. Also your binding is shit, and your mouthwriting is terrible. And… I’m sorry, what? Am I the protagonist of your story? Is this shitty fanfic about me!?”
Fluttershy: “They, um, say you’re supposed to write what you know…”
Twilight: “That’s not literal! And it’s also super creepy! What the hell?”
Fluttershy: I’m sorry… but you’ll still read it, right?”
Twilight: “Ugh, fine! There, I finished it. It’s terrible, you’re terrible. Are you happy?”
Fluttershy: “... You just flipped through the pages, you didn’t actually read it.”
Twilight: “I’m an alicorn princess now, Fluttershy. That’s how we read things. You’d know this if you ever actually paid attention.”
Fluttershy: “O-oh. Well, um… did you solve the mystery?”
Twilight: “Yeah. It was easy.”
Fluttershy: “O-oh. Um, well, did you… get what I was trying to say by writing this?”
Twilight: “Yes, I got the whole thing, holy crap. You murdered all of our friends and me because you’re a psychotic lunatic who’s in love with me, and you wrote this because you feel the same way about me in real life, and got the absolutely brilliant idea that writing murderporn was the best way to express your feelings.”
Fluttershy: O-oh. Then, um, well…”
Twilight: “No. Get out of my house.”
Fluttershy: “But—”
Twilight: “Out.”
Fluttershy: “... Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll be going now. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”
Twilight: “Good. You should be.”
...
I apologize for nothing.
Of course Rainbow Dash knows how to read! How else could she present all those fanfics?
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Is that not proof that she doesn't know how?
I AM THRACKERZOD.
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Hmm... I bow to your perfectly normal and unremarkable equine powers of logic.
Happy April Fool's to you too