Critique Review: All We Can Take and Spike's Heart Problems · 6:35pm Feb 25th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to the last day in the month of love.
Jesus, I am so sick of this month. If I have to take any more of this lovey, dubby shit, I’m going to barf!
But thankfully today’s story is a break up story. A story where to mares wants to be together, but they can’t be because it’s seen as taboo. Or some shit like that, I honestly can’t say I was paying any attention.
So, let’s just get this month over with, so I can move on with the requests that keep piling up. Let’s review All We Can Take by TalltalePony
So, the story starts with Pinkie Pie meeting Twilight at Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight speaks saying this…
"Are you sure?" Pinkie grilled.
Twilight reached across the table and stopped the pink pony's nervous movement. The latter, surprised by the sudden gesture, finally returned her gaze.
"Yes, I'm sure. I think I'd know if I didn't love you."
Well, that’s the story! See you all next week!
No, I’m not even kidding. This story is that brief and short. It’s about Pinkie Pie going up to Twilight and saying that things will never be the same. Things will always be different between them. They’ll never have the life they once had, now that Twilight is a princess.
Pinkie Pie begs to still be friends with her and Twilight says she never wants to see her again.
What the hell?! As well as this story is written, where the hell did this come from?!
Was this a continuation of another story?! Where did this one come from?! There’s no signification about the relationship between Pinkie and Twilight that we know about. There’s nothing to show that they had any special connection to one another! Hell, we know nothing about their relationship!
Maybe Pinkie Pie is ultimately being a creepy stalker!
Overall, a well written, but entirely confused fic. It doesn’t know what it wants to do with itself and has no build up to it. It’s a shame because, maybe this story could have had potential. This story might have been one of those rare fics that was actually good. But it didn’t take the time to build on it.
Now, I could assume that it is because the author wants us to interpret it, but we’re not given a lot to make any interpretations.
Well, that was a dud… Alright, you guys get one more from me… But just one more… Let’s see…
Ah, here’s a good one. Or … bad one I should say.
Spike’s Heart Problem by Octavia1997
Unlike the last story, this story doesn’t have the writing talent for grammar and spelling.
Just look at the description…
spike wanted rarity to go on a date for the longest time. even when they first meet spike loved rarity, and wanted her to be his. after a lot of failed atemps and brutal regections, spike gives up on rarity and love. after twilight finds out about the tragic events, she seeks help from a few determined girls. the Cutie mark crusaders try thier best to help out thier friend spike.
Wow… Just… You couldn’t even try in your description… Why do I get the feeling this one is going to be more painful than having a cactus shoved up my anal passage?!
Oh, and here’s a laugh.
please don't hate that story. if you don't like it then don't read it.
Don’t hate ‘that’ story?! What story are we talking about?! Are you talking about the one I read last week?! I won’t read it! Never again!
This is the dumbest thing in the world! If I don’t read it, how do I know if I hate it?! I can’t judge something fairly until I have experienced it! Now, I can make assumptions! Like I think this story is going to suck balls, but who knows?! Maybe it will actually be good! … I’m not counting on it, but maybe!
"It was yet another Friday night in Twilight's library house.
Bored now.
Also, that quotation mark is not a typo. This is actually one big long quote. A person is actually telling us this story. There is a thing called first person! If you write the story in that style, you don’t need to add quotation marks to the first sentence of your story! Unless the first sentence of your is actually a person speaking, but in this case, it’s the narration.
Outside every pony did as they pleased, the young colts and mares slaved away at their games and the older set slept in their rooms, readying themselves for the workday.
So, young colts and mares were slaves to the game. Not surprising. Just look at how addicting World of Warcraft is.
Must get to level 35 today or… be banished… from …guild…
A few ponies did their work at night and slaved to get it done before sunrise.
Usually those are called sex games.
Spike just sit in his living quarters basking in the dark with a piece of rarity's special order fabric; cuddling it as if it was his child, just as twilight, his mother, did for him.
Spike just sit! Just sit, Spike! Sit!
Good stupid dragon.
Also, names of persons, places or things need to be capitalized!
Anyway, Spike starts crying about Rarity being cruel to him and not reciprocating his love. Funny thing about that is, Spike is like 10! Rarity’s probably in her 20’s! Do you think it’s a tad uncomfortable to have a romantic relationship?! And yeah, I know that in the show Rarity does give Spike a lot of attention, but that feels more big sister, little brother relationship, which Spike takes as something else!
It doesn’t work now, because Spike is still a child and if it did happen, it makes Rarity a pedophile!
The room door was pushed in, hitting the tree; Flutter Shy would not approve of this.
Okay… What the fuck? Seriously, Fluttershy is not even in this story, why the fuck should I care about what she would approve of and what she wouldn’t?! Besides, the door was pushed in, are you saying it hit the treehouse library?! I think the tree can take it!
And if Fluttershy wouldn’t approve of just lightly tapping a tree in the wrong way, I’d love to see what she does at the end of Season 4.
… I’m going to hell for that alone, aren’t I?
"Spike! What did I tell you about that? Ugh sometimes you can be a handful."
Okay, what the hell is ‘that’? Am I just to assume I know what that is?! Is he sleeping in late?! Is he stealing Rarity’s clothes to make himself feel better?! Is he going out in the middle of the night and murdering small fillies?! What the hell is ‘that’?!
So, Twilight tells Spike that the Cutie Mark Crusaders want to help him feel better and in return hope to find their cutie marks.
Spike is at first reluctant, but after a few moments, agrees to have the Crusaders help him. As the Crusaders ponder what to do, Spike ‘hilariously’ reminds them that it is 12:00 at night.
… Yeah, I don’t hear any laughter either.
I mean… 12:00 at night? Why the hell did Twilight wake him up at that time? For that matter, why did Twilight bring the Cutie Mark Crusaders to her house at midnight?! Was this some special Twilight Time for good little fillies?! … God, a lot of uncomfortableness in this review… Maybe I should have only done one.
Also, that scene was completely pointless and only serves to waste our time. Thanks for that story!
The next morning, Spike awakens to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders tailing him with every move he makes.
Apple Bloom continues to follow him, until Spike goes to take his morning shower and he slams the door, hitting her face.
That’ll teach that brat to respect somepony’s privacy. Don’t care if he’s a dragon or not. I’m saying somepony!
"oh, sorry. are you ok?" twilight was a bit concerned; hitting a small filly was not very nice.
As opposed to hitting small colts, which is perfectly legit. That would explain the playground beatings I got and no staff member helping me. That or I started them. But why would I want to take responsibility for my actions? No other character does.
After his shower, Spike goes and pours himself a bowl of cereal and Scootaloo asks him if he wants to join the Crusaders and Twilight for breakfast. And then Spike shoves his bowl of cereal in Scootaloo’s face.
… Okay, that was just rude. What the fuck, Spike?! Okay, I’m willing to let slide the Apple Bloom thing with the door. You just wanted some privacy and having someone constantly follow you is pretty fucking annoying.
But, you intentionally threw your bowl of cereal in Scootaloo’s face! She was inviting you to breakfast! I know having your heart broken sucks! It does! But that doesn’t excuse you from being an asshole! This just seems so uncharacteristic of Spike, even if he didn’t have his heart broken!
I don’t feel bad for Spike! I’m pissed off that he even exists! Maybe this is why other writers don’t put him is stories!
So, then the Crusaders give Spike a test and … What the hell?
1. Are you a nice
ponydragon? Y/N2. are you a smart
ponydragon? Y/N3. have you been in a relationship before? Y/N
4. what is your favorite food?
5. what is your favorite color?
please sign here.
Well, I will admit it. These are questions a ten year old would write. Can’t fault the story for accuracy
Although I would like to add my own question to this test.
6. Are you a dick? Yes/Fuck yes
I think that would complete it.
So, it turns out that the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked him these questions to find a perfect girl for Spike. Because, these are the types of questions you’d see on dating websites and other dating services wouldn’t it? Other missed questions are…
Do you have eyes? What is your tolerance of pain? The value of Pi? What is the object to the left of you?
Clearly, this shows the deep secrets of your mind that would make a woman want to fall in love with you!
They head off to Canterlot because… Luna needed a quick cameo. And then they head back to Ponyville realizing ‘Hey, the plot is back in Ponyville. Why the fuck are we in Canterlot?!’
Way to incorporate Luna into the story! I’m sure that won’t seem contrived in anyway.
Back at Rarity’s, Sweetie Belle and Rarity have an argument… I think… I don’t know. It’s so poorly written I really can’t tell what’s going on. See if you can figure it out, cause I sure as fuck can’t.
um-, sweetie belle, could you please come in here?"
"No, I don't wanna." She rolled off the couch.
Rarity poked her head from behind a door, "what is it this time?"
"Spike." She dropped her head onto the cold unforgiving floor.
Rarity let out a sigh and approached the sad depressing girl, "We all kno-," A velvet pillow hit her square in the face.
Sweetie Belle got up, "No, you don't," she grabbed a small bag and fled out the door.
"Gez, well, didn't that go well?" She looked at the cat hoping it would reply.
Anyway, Rarity goes off to look for Sweetie Belle, she looks at Sugar Cube Corner and… Pinkie’s private island? … Okay, whatever…
Finally, she goes to the library and asks Twilight if she had seen her. Oh, and I guess, Rarity also took a pointless trip to Canterlot. To be fair though, she did at least try to find her sister.
So, they find Sweetie Belle and Rarity and Sweetie Belle forgive each other for the fight they had… I think…
she just remembered, "h please no, don't make me do it. please." rarity widened her eyes.
the little girl just painted at the door and out in a derection.
"fine, but I am only doing it for you," she returned the hard stare back to her sister.
Yeah… I don’t know what that even means, so I can’t really make fun of it.
So, they take Spike back to HQ, (I assume it means the Clubhouse, but that’s never made clear) and they meet up with Princess Luna.
Ok spike, her she is," they removed the cloth from over a girls head, "ta-da."
Spike just looked at Luna, then Scootaloo, then back to Luna "Hey Princess Luna."
Luna smiled, "Please just call me Luna, and I guess I should get going. have a wonderful night." she started to walk out the small door.
Spike just waved good-bye, "you have a good day."
I didn’t edit that! That is literally how important Luna is to this story! My god, she’s not even in it for 5 seconds! Why the hell is she even in this story?!
The plot is not made better with her in it! Spike’s character is not developed anymore! It’s just a waste of time! Something that this story is really good at!
Sweetie Belle convinces Rarity to after Spike when he runs off after Luna leaves. I guess, he’s as mad about Luna leaving the story as the story is.
So, Rarity finds Spike and asks him out on a date. 21st century, fuckers!
And our story ends with Sweetie Belle earning her cutie mark in shipping. The worst kind of cutie mark you can have!
Wow, just wow! This story is a train wreck. It’s plot is stupid, it’s characters are all over the place, and it is half the time incomprehensible. I’m not even sure what it was about. The Crusaders trying to get Spike and Rarity together?
That’s all I can say for certainty. The terrible writing, spelling and grammar makes this story incredibly difficult to read and review. And if it is difficult, than it becomes work. That’s all this story is … work. It’s not fun, it’s not entertaining, I have to force myself to do it and worst, it’s busy work. Work to waste my time until the next disaster.
All I can say is, I’m glad this dumbass month is over. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to relax by watching a little TV.
***
The Critique sits in front of his television set. With the press of a button on the remote, the T.V flickered on.
“One of the escaped convicts of the Canterlot Penitentiary has finally been apprehended. 28 year old, Bright Light was arrested when attempted to flee the country. Officer Wolfe recognized him and apprehended him before anypony was hurt. Bright Light was convicted of 7 murders and was sentenced to life in prison.”
Canterlot Penitentiary? the Critique thought. Isn’t that where?
“This makes the fourth convict from Canterlot Penitentiary that has been put back in prison since the attack. Police say that there are still 36 inmates that are still unaccounted for. If you see any of these ponies, please contact your local police and do not confront them. Many of them are considered extremely dangerous.
An image of faces appeared on the screen, two of them the Critique noticed. The golden horned idiot with the power of the Uniforce and Thunder Ice. His lower jaw dropped and his eyes widened. He shook his head violently. “No. No! No!” He leaped from his chair and scrambled to his basement, sealing the door behind him. He shook in the darkness as the thoughts of his old enemies coming back to take their revenge. “I need something. Something to defend myself with.” He knew they would return for him and when they did, they would be out for blood.
Hello, sorry I wasn't around for last week's review! So, another hilarious review, and the storyline bit made my day with good ol' "Wolfe"!
I actually thought the Suishy joke was kinda funny. I guess I'll be your roommate in Hell.
Why yes critique... yes you are going to hell for that Suishy joke.
Well, month of love is over; let's see how we finish off
Two mares
... Really?
I mean, I know the shortest novel in the world is only six words long, and brevity is the soul of wit, but this seems even shorter than that...
And Twilight is an asshole.
Also, I'm pretty sure there's more to this than those last lines. You're not Toph, author, and you're not Hemingway; YOU CAN'T BE THAT BRIEF AND EXPECT US TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON!
Well, this won't end well.
Wow, this makes squirrelking look coherent. It's not My Immortal levels of bad, but it's still pretty bad.
A lesson to new writers, and a lesson that I learned from firsthand experience: never do this. You say "Don't like, don't read" and people are automatically going to assume it's bad even if it really isn't. Besides, you should be proud of your work, and be willing to accept criticism from readers.
As opposed to her shopping mall house or her dungeon house.
there are other synonyms for "Worked really hard", you know. Saying "Slaved" all the time is not only repetitive, but it also has some unfortunate implications.
Ignoring the fact that this sentence has no capital letters and is fairly creepy, "Living quarters"? This isn't a royal palace or a ship in the 18th century, so you don't have to write like that in an attempt to sound "fancy".
Maybe...
... Not funny.
*singing* I always feel like, somebody's watching me...
"'Should a man pay for dinner at every date'. What is this, Russia?"
Yes, low, 3.14..., a phone.
"I'm here now"
"Go home, Luna"
"You got it!"
Indeed.
And I thought that my semi-romantic one-shot side story to Mare of Steel had weird ideas on romance.
And Wolfe actually did something competent for once? Truly this is the end times.
2829970
2829922
Well, might as well do what I want then. I'm going to hell anyway, what does it matter?
Is that a bad mentality to have?
2829900 Oh, Wolfe will play a much bigger role. Much bigger.
2830271 Not all the time... but most of the time.
2830044
2830272 Quick question: Does Mykan, or any of the other creators of the OCs have a problem with you using them as villains?
Yay! Plot!
Darnit..Who's Officer Wolfe?
.
That felt a bit flat to me, but its probably just a nitpick.
Its not the worst! ...just the most terrifying. Especially in her hooves.
2830304 Probably. But it would be like using Pinkie Pie in your fan fic. That's basically all this is. A fan fic. With original characters from other stories.
2831107 Officer Wofle is a character from the review the Reaper Files. He'll play a much larger role in this story.
Not going to lie, I laughed at that Fluttershy pic.
I mean I laughed hard.
Maybe we'll be rooming together in hell, hm?
And as for the 'story'... I'm sorry, but my first drafts are better written than that, and I mean from a pure spelling and grammatical standpoint. And you've seen my first drafts.
Also, story did not contain ship tease for Computer and Critique.
I get top bunk!
2831560 Well, considering I fell out of my chair laughing, I guess all three of us are going to Hell.
2831608 That's fine with me, I'll bring my king-size mattress.
2831608 Also, we're going to need some weapons if we want to take over Hell. Any ideas?
2832158 Weapons? Pffft, we don't need no stinking weapons. I just walk up to the devil and kick him off his throne.
2832289 "I love weddings."
2832289 Well yes, but what about all the demons and sh*t?!