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Pinkie Pie isn't the best with words, and she's not sure if what she's feeling is worth mentioning. After all, Twilight is a princess now and has a lot on her plate. It's understandable that she's been growing distant, really, but Pinkie's heart has been doing loops for months.
She has to know: Is it over between them?
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I see some transparent formatting, but there's a slight flaw in how the dialogue is formatted.
The first line could have been spoken by anypony. We can infer it's Twilight, because no pony beside her and Pinkie has been mentioned, and people don't normally talk to themselves in the company of their girlfriend.
However, this deduction is unintuitive and distracting, because Twilight wasn't doing anything in the last sentence, and there's no dialogue tag.
Oh sure, the gears in her head were doing something, and it was a metaphor for her thought process, but that doesn't count, because Twilight herself was not the subject.
Sorry if this sound trivial, but I really value well structured dialogue, and yours is just so close to being outstanding that I am compelled to make this correction.
3408447
There's never a need to apologize for honest criticism, friend! I see your point, and will promptly attempt a correction.
Look at all those deleted comments! Behold, the aftermath of a conversation with a
troll!T.P. does not abide
trolls.So, instead of a trollfest, enjoy some music. This is the song that inspired this fic:
Edit: On second thought, perhaps 'troll' isn't the best way to refer to one who's not here to defend himself. It was an unpleasant exchange; I'll leave it at that.
3409614
I have KoC as an editor for me myself, and I think he's really nice. What did he do to cause him to be labelled as a troll?
3409921
I won't speak I'll of him behind his back. He made good points, I countered, it descended into anarchy. No more needs to be said.
Also,
3409930
derpicdn.net/img/2013/7/25/383770/large.jpg
3409938
Too... Much... Daww...
*implodes*
Heya, TP! I noticed you wrote a new story and just had to read it. I was really excited to see it was about my OTP, and you didn't disappoint!
As far as the story goes, I think you did pretty well. You wrote a snippet of their lives together--a sad one at that--and I think you succeeded with it. I had read it this morning before going to school, and I must say I was thinking about it all day! Got me a bit teary-eyed, though I can relate with what was going through the characters' heads. I might not have been so affected had it been about other characters, but that point aside, I really liked this one-shot. The emotions going through Pinkie are tangible, and while I felt a bit annoyed by her asking Twilight to spend more time with her (not that I don't understand or it has anything to do with your writing; it's in-character, but the character's behavior bothered me), you kept the realism. Twilight's sure to get tons more busy now that she's a princess, and considering Pinkie's character, we know she'd feel a bit lonely--especially if they're dating.
Part of me really wishes they'd gotten back together in the end, but the other half thinks this one-shot is perfect the way it is.
However, as far as criticism goes, I'm not sure that something of this stature would be able to keep them from ever seeing each other again (as friends or otherwise), and much less Twilight saying that to Pinkie's face. I can see her getting frustrated, but I'd think she'd be more forgiving considering what she's been studying this whole time. The Mane 6 have gone through a lot together, and I imagine they could stick through just about anything. Perhaps some more details about why Twilight's so adamant about breaking up would make it more realistic. I can see them having problems prior to the events in this story, but they'd have to have been going on pretty long and be pretty bad for this to crop up. I hope that makes sense.
Also, this part near the beginning:
This may or may not be credible, but I think there could have been better words to put in place of these two. Perhaps other words could express more of the emotion clear in the dialogue.
Besides that, I really did enjoy reading this! However sad I am now, you did a great job, TP! This one goes in my favorites bin, and go ahead and have a like.
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O hay! You know I've been wondering whether or not you'd hate me for writing about your OTP in such a way. Glad to see I haven't stoked your ire.
And yep, good points as always! I'll definitely keep them in mind next time I try something like this. There was someone else here who made similar points, but he ended up being... unpleasant about it, to express my feelings toward the affair without making a general judgement about his character.
And yeah, I was wracking my brain about how to go about the opening after the first, generous person to point out speaker ambiguity said something. Still not sure about it myself... I'll probably change it a few more times until I can get it down. May have to restructure the opening entirely... Hmm. I'd love to hear suggestions if you have any. That opening has been more trouble than it's worth.
Took me a little while to get around to reading this. Hmm.
Either there was something seriously fucked up about the relationship here, or something off with the writing. Within the span of a thousand words, Twilight goes from
to
without so much as a fight in between. Just a simple request from Pinkie to spend more time together!
So basically Twilight comes across as being a colossal jerk here. If she's sincerely willing to walk away without ever talking again, then she's been lying to Pinkie this whole time about her feelings, and she's been too cowardly to initiate the breakup herself — but she's more than happy to yank Pinkie's heart out through her throat the instant that Pinkie brings it up. That's friggin' cold. Once upon a time, it might have been, but at the time of this story, that's not love.
If that's the case, there's definitely a story in that — but it should be a story about that, about what drove her to that behavior, and why they were so dysfunctional. Probably should be at least 3x this length and go back through some of their history to show what led to this.
Could also be that you weren't meaning to be quite so harsh on Twilight here. If so, I'd hope you could make her more honest about what's wrong, or at least more honest about the fact something is wrong, or at least lampshade her lies by having Pinkie gets confused: "what was all that about you love me, then?" Because we readers want the same questions answered that she does. Why? Why, Twilight, dammit, why.
Hope that helps.
Best,
H
3427420
Aw, you don't need to keep looking at my little old stories. I appreciate it though.
And yep, you're not too far off with your first explanation! I'm actually relieved it came across without me having to say anything directly. Score!
Forgive me if I do a little victory dance. I'm certainly taking your criticism into consideration in the interstices of my moonwalking.
And my questions about characterization still stand! You can't wiggle away from me that easily!
3427456
Ah, ok. Thing is, from a storytelling perspective, readers have no clue that Twilight is lying. We're arriving in medias res. We have to take her at her word.
Or do we?
As is, when the story contradicts itself, it's bad. We start out with Twilight apparently invested and Pinkie being insecure. This sets up the reader rooting for Twilight to smooth things over. When, all of a sudden, Twilight becomes, well, evil, then it's a little unsatisfying to have been rooting for the wrong person, and there's no clue within the story itself as to why this sudden flip is taking place.
edit: Also, w.r.t. pony canon specifically, Twilight is actually not a jerk, and the whole Elements of Harmony thing means her drop-kicking of her friend is particularly incomprehensible. When you deviate from canon, you've gotta explain how it got there.
> And my questions about characterization still stand!
Yeah, I know.
I'm not sure I can do them proper justice. Would you be okay with me blogging them (at some point, like, next week, I've got a convention coming up and gotta wrap up ponyfic for the week and pack) and throwing the questions to my witty and handsome commenters, who could give you a wider variety of answers?
3427500
Ah, I see. I never considered that it mattered for whom the reader was rooting. Yes, yes. Very nice. That's going into the advice vault!
And no, haha. I know that was a lengthy one; don't worry about it if you can't get around to answering. I was just poking fun at ya. However you feel best to go about it, or not at all if you're too short on time, is fine with me. I'll just catch you next time with a more concise question.
And convention and pony fics, eh? Busy, busy! I have to thank you again, then, for finding the time to bother with me at all! You're a true pal, H!
Wow Twilight is cold in this story. Dropping a marefriend who helped you get your title. Harsh.
Harsh Twilight. That's totally not cool
I did a reading of your story! I hope you enjoy it! Fanfic Reading