Oneshotober Reviews, Part 4 · 4:19pm Nov 27th, 2014
Adding this to blogs for the duration of the contest: my son has been entered in a contest to be the next Gerber baby. Votes and sharing would be appreciated.
The last set of Oneshotober reviews is upon us, and… I'm running a bit late with it, aren't I? Admiral Biscuit has already done his own look back on the challenge. Just feeling like I'm falling behind, you know?
I'll just blame my work schedule.
And for the record, during the second set, I went and downloaded all of the fics on my list as epubs. None of you will escape, not even by deleting your fics.
None of you.
This is a day later than promised thanks to Admiral Biscuit. You’ll figure out why further down.
76. Harvesting With a Friend
by DiamondBurritos
Some Rarijack friendshipping about harvest time. Alright.
I'm actually going to go into a bit more detail than usual again here, because it seems the author would genuinely benefit from it, should they happen to read it. Thus, I'm going to be looking at this as an editor more than a reader.
First off, the grammar is pretty weak. The first sentence is not only a comma splice, but very long and awkward. It also uses “probably” in the narrative, which is what we call an empty modifier, because it adds no meaning to the words it's attached to. The second sentence is a fragment, despite its length. You need an independent clause somewhere in there. If you can't select one section of that sentence to stand alone as a complete thought, it's a fragment.
Writing a character's speech as heavily-accented as this (the infamous Apple Accent) makes it harder to read. Not only is the reader translating your non-standard spelling, but it also comes off as an extremely thick accent, one that other characters would have trouble understanding.
There's also an issue with pacing, here. Despite this being a slice-of-life one-shot, pacing still defines the speed your story moves at. Here, Applejack is supposed to be realizing that the task she's set out for herself is more than she can handle alone. The problem is, we've only been at it for about four sentences. To the reader, it feels like she stepped into the field, picked three or four pumpkins, and then had second thoughts pretty early on.
You don't really give any reason for why AJ would go to Rarity first. She's pretty clearly the worst choice. Why not Twilight, who could magic the job done in seconds? Why not Pinkie or Dash, who'd work at least as fast as AJ herself? Or even Fluttershy, who wouldn't complain, at least, even if she was slow. Heck, put the Cutie Mark Crusaders' youthful energy to good use. You'd just have to promise them one pumpkin apiece to get their pumpkin-carving cutie marks with. Even Spike, who at least has that ridiculous work ethic and is easily bought.
The first sentence after the break is another one of those long, awkward run-on sentences. It could easily be broken up into two or three separate thoughts.
Things like “clearly annoyed” are very blatant telling, and best avoided. Applejack putting a hoof to her forehead and sighing should convey annoyance well enough without you informing the audience of your intent.
And here's something you do enough to be noticeable. Using excessive descriptors is something this fandom calls “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome”. It's rare to find a place where describing a character as ”the adjective noun” is a better choice than just naming them. Unless you need to keep the identity a secret, go ahead and use “Applejack” or “she” in every place you'd consider using “the orange mare”. Making the reader think about who that description applies to each time you bring the character up is just a distraction from the story.
The sentence where those last two appear is another fragment — while “the orange mare let out a sigh” is a complete thought, you separated the two with “and”. There's no active verb in the first part of the sentence.
Rarity changes her mind really quickly, considering how much she disliked the idea at first. Plus, if it's only going to take a couple hours with help, and she doesn't need them for a week, it seems like she could have gotten it done by herself over the next day or two without too much trouble.
You're missing a comma after the break. This happens a few times, but it was most noticeable here.
There's another big run-on sentence where they start cutting the vines. You can't just keep connecting thoughts with “and” indefinitely. The whole bit is a little confusing, too, because you never show what it is Rarity does wrong, nor how AJ corrects her.
The pacing issues are at their worst in the next section. The crows come out of nowhere, cause a problem for a few sentences, then get chased off. Rarity is upset for a few sentences, then gets cleaned up. For what seems to be the climax of the story, it feels like nothing of any importance has actually happened.
And the wrap-up at the end just kind of… happens. There's no real conflict resolved. No character growth. No change at all, really. It leaves the reader wondering what the point of the story even was.
While this is definitely better than some of the stories I've read, both in and out of the Oneshotober challenge, it's still a very amateurish thing. You have potential, author, you just need to work on your basic writing skills.
Recommended if: You want some very slice-of-life Rarijack and are forgiving of errors.
Avoid it if: Fast pace and grammatical errors would turn you off.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
77. Twilight eats Sonata's Taco
by Admiral Biscuit
Guess who wrote innuendo humor! That's right, Biscuit wrote innuendo humor!
Unfortunately, this particular flavor of gag usually isn't to my liking. On the other hand, Biscuit is a good author. I also considered making this intro an innuendo gag myself, but wasn't sure where to go with it after starting with gag flavors.
And I have to at least give Biscuit credit for not going the usual route of dragging out the innuendo-that's-obviously-going-to-be-innocent gag out for the entire fic like most of these do. However, that leaves relatively little for the story to actually do. The bulk of it is just Twilight musing on how the human world operates, with a final section that serves as a lengthy setup for the title gag. It's well-written as always, but unless the wind-up to that title is something you expect to be inherently funny, there's really nothing to see here — there are maybe two other jokes total, and neither are the laugh-out-loud variety. I think all I can really say about this is that nothing happened to make me particularly dislike it.
And finally, points off for use of Faust as a deity.
Recommended if: You're a big fan of light humor and innuendo fakeouts.
Avoid it if: You need something more to your stories.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against, though I admit that this mostly comes from my personal disappointment with the story.
This one looked interesting, but in the end, it failed to really connect with me. While there are few if any technical or stylistic issues with this fic, the core of the narrative is Twilight's descent into insanity, and it doesn't convey that well. There doesn't seem to be any reason for what happens to her, no lead-up or anything. She just starts having a minor visual hallucination one night, and by the next afternoon she's dissociative and catatonic. The problem with this is that we're just seeing a thing happen to the character. There's not much for the reader to follow along with.
Maybe if there was more time to build it up. Maybe if we saw Twilight's own actions cause or worsen her condition. Maybe if there were signs that she ignored. Something to give the reader more than “and then Twilight was crazy.”
Recommended if: You want a psychological darkfic and aren't terribly concerned with the “why” of things.
Avoid it if: You need something to engage you in the story beyond what happens to the main character.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
79. This is Me...
by 2006midnight
Fluttershy pens a suicide note in which she expounds upon her self-doubt and explains that she's never seen herself as kind, but simply too weak to stand up for herself, which others misinterpret at kindness.
I'll not go into the actual themes of the story, as the comments suggest that this is a work rather close to 2006midnight's own feelings, and I'd prefer to not unintentionally disparage those. What I will discuss, however, is why this particular style of writing is ineffectual as a story. I know I've been rather hard on 2006midnight for doing these, and in part it's because, over the course of writing this review series, I've read a good number of expositing sadfics, and I've gotten a bit tired of them. However, this sort of writing is also a very weak way of presenting a story.
Of course, the author might be venting her own feelings, but in my experience, those are best typed out, saved, and set aside for a few days. Then, once you've distanced yourself from where you were when you wrote that, open it up again and have another look. Is it something you could turn into an actual narrative? I'd say most of the time, it will be. And I imagine 2006midnight's writing style would lend itself well to such an endeavor. But we still need something to actually happen. To be shown how the character is feeling via their actions, and how those emotions impact their daily life. In the end, perhaps you could even have the character overcome those very emotions you'd been struggling with, and reach a sort of catharsis in that way.
What's wrong with what these stories do, then?
Well, imagine you went to a play. We'll go with something well-known and say you went to see The Tragedy of Hamlet. However, upon the play beginning, the cast didn't come out on set and start their performance. Instead, the actor playing Hamlet comes out alone, in costume and carrying a stool. He places the stool in front of a microphone, sits down, and begins to explain to the audience that he fears his uncle has murdered his father, that his sister is going mad… He sits there and, in telling the audience why he's so upset, covers the entire play's plot.
In the end, you take away the same basic information as if you'd watched the play normally. You know what happened to Prince Hamlet and why. But, because you didn't see him actually struggle with and overcome (or, as this is tragedy, be overcome by) his problems, you've had no investment in the story, and failed to connect with it. You've lost any emotional weight those events carried for him. That's the problem with pure telling.
I won't tell you to stop writing, or say that there's anything inherently wrong with venting your emotions through what you write (I myself have some things I plan on letting Trixie say for me in an upcoming story I'll get to someday). However, if you're looking to improve your writing, and want to create things for others to enjoy, you need to do more than having your characters serve as a mouthpiece to your own feelings. It's a crutch for your writing, and I think you'll produce some very solid and worthwhile things if you can get away from it.
Recommended if: You seek a depressed and hopeless Fluttershy and don't mind some melodrama.
Avoid it if: You have a low tolerance for telly stories.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
80. Campfire Stories
by Admiral Biscuit
Alright. This is a big occasion. This is the first story from Biscuit that I'm giving a one to.
Allow me to explain.
While there are some minor issues with the text itself (for example, I found the opening confusing because there were places where it seemed “was” was used when “wasn't” was meant, and vice-versa), these aren't enough to warrant a low rating, particularly considering the quality of the writing otherwise. The problem is, there just isn't anything to this story. It falls into the same trap that Twilight Eats Sonata'a Taco did. The vast majority of the narrative exists solely to set up a joke in the final lines.
And this can work. After all, I gave that story a two. But when the entire gag is in the premise (as is the case in both of these stories), it needs to do one of two things — either have a very funny premise, or else build the finale up far more than is reasonable. The former is what Sonata's Taco went for, and we can all get at least a brief, immature giggle at the double entendre. The latter is commonly known as a Shaggy Dog Story, and often, the joke is on the reader for wasting their time on it.
Unfortunately, most of the setup here is just a bog-standard HiE story where our anonymous male human protagonist winds up in Equestria for no given reason, and winds up friends with the Mane Six. That the Mane Six are present, but go totally unused because the story skims over them rather than allowing them to take part in the buildup, is all the more disappointing.
What we wind up with is just 9 words of humor after 1,176 words of meandering, pointless rumination. If that meandering rumination had been more engaging, it might have rated higher, but as it stands, it's a major let-down after how good Biscuit's other HiE fics have been. A one-liner political joke just isn't enough to justify it.
Recommended if: You think a long setup for a one-off joke would be worth it.
Avoid it if: You need purpose to literally every other line of the story.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against, but it really depends on your sense of humor.
81. Fluttershy Donates Blood
by Ianpiersonjdavis
Well, this was cute. It's a pretty basic slice-of-life, but it's characterized well and makes a good statement in favor of blood donation, without having any really noticeable flaws. At first I was actually questioning the details of the characterization, as Fluttershy seemed slightly too fearful, and Twilight slightly too oblivious to others' feelings. But the library is still standing, and the only villain mentioned is Nightmare Moon, so those portrayals would be perfectly fitting for a Season One story, and I don't recall anything suggesting it would be set later in the timeline.
I wavered between a Three and a Four for this, because on the one hand, it really could have done more with the premise, and it feels just a bit too short thanks to that (I was half-expecting a Flutterbat gag, but like I said, it feels like Season One). But on the other hand, it does what it set out to do, and makes a good point in the process.
Recommended if: You want some cute and show-appropriate Fluttershy.
Avoid it if: No reasons come to mind, beyond wanting something actually episode-length.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
82. Playing in the Park
by Admiral Biscuit
First, it feels weird to have Noi be Golden Harvest's little sister. Golden's always seemed like a slightly older character to me, and I would have expected her to be a mother in a story like this, rather than a sibling caretaker. Though I suppose that is technically canon, going by Sisterhooves Social. Oh well. I can accept it for this, and then go back to ignoring it otherwise, like I do many other things in this show (Daring Do is a fictional character in-verse and you will never convince me that S4E04 actually happened).
On the other hand, I like the headcanon of Carrot Cake being her older brother (seriously, I never considered their similar names and appearances like that up until now), and she and Noi have a good interaction in this relationship, so you might have convinced me with this story. However, I'm still pegging Golden and Carrot as close in age and much older than Noi (Asilin has a similar situation — she and her eldest brother are only a year or two apart, while the third kid is 10 years younger than her), and thinking Golden either lives on her own as an adult, or with Noteworthy, who I ship her with entirely because I forgot it was Written Script she stood with during The Last Roundup and thought it was him instead. And now that I've put that ship into two different fics, I guess I'm stuck with it.
Also, I'm supposed to be reviewing this story instead of rambling about ships and headcanon. And it's really cute Slice-Of-Life in the Carrot family. Kind of funny, but in an endearing way rather than the laugh-out-loud variety. The only typo I noticed was “ran” used for “rain” during the shower in chapter two.
Recommended if: Cute tales of children and family interest you.
Avoid it if: No reasons beyond not liking Slice of Life.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
83. Nothing That Means More To Me...
by SonicMlpGamerandArtist
Welp, missing punctuation, comma splices, and typos abound in this one. I'm also less than fond of the characters basing their actions or behavior on the notion “because I'm the Element Of ______, I'm the one who would ______”. Granted, this is Dash arguing with herself, and maybe she'd make that argument in that situation, but it always felt like weak characterization to me. They hold the Elements because they have no need to think that way. They just embody their respective virtues in their own natural actions. Plus, this is more or less what Applejack was doing for all of Princess Twilight Sparkle, parts One and Two, but there I guess they just needed somepony to be the dumb one.
On the argument, the gimmick of a character arguing with themselves is one that works better in a visual medium, where we can watch their reactions to what they say. That's what makes it such a staple of cartoons. In text, it usually just comes off as telly. I've really only seen it done well in a Pinkie Pie fic, where she was arguing with Pinkamena, and there the entire point was that eventually the Pinkamena side was proven wrong. In this case, I was really hoping for something similar. It would have been a stronger story for Dash to actually reach a conclusion that says something about her character, instead of just going crazy from it.
Recommended if: You want some vaguely-dark Dash insanity.
Avoid it if: You wanted this to actually make a point with its conflict.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
84. Con Mane
by Admiral Biscuit
At this point, I'm honestly getting a little tired of Admiral Biscuit stories. I mean, I've read nearly twenty of them recently. Oh well, just another 13 to go, and seven from other writers.
Anyway, the story was enjoyable, if a little short. Not surprising, considering what it was written for, but there it is. I think the biggest source of this impression was the very abrupt ending. A few more paragraphs to wind down with Joe and Charm, or something in the paper the next day when Joe's back to his day job, might have been enough to give more sense of closure. I also noticed a missing word or two, though I suppose cutting off at “how he looked at—” without including “her” may have been intentional, but it flows very badly as written. All in all, a good story, but it just wasn't given enough room to play out properly.
Recommended if: You want action and intrigue in a small package.
Avoid it if: Rapid pacing and a sudden ending are issues for you.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
85. A Stranger in Your Bed
by Admiral Biscuit
Huh. Last Biscuit story I read with a bad Up/Down ratio wound up being really good. Though I suspect we have something of a trollfic in this particular case.
However, it's not really a trollfic, except in the broadest sense. Yes, it reverses the typical dynamic of “human finds pony in his bed” by making it “pony finds human, etc”, but unless you were dead-set on finding the former, there's no real shock here. I noticed there was nothing to indicate that the POV character was a pony until after he discovered the human, and this actually bothered me because it made the story feel like it had nothing to do with pony at all, at first. I'm sure that was intentional to set up a fake-out and convince the reader that this would be the typical PoE fic right up until the reveal. However, the cover image and chapter title already spoiled that reveal, even if the reader didn't guess from the start where this was going. All in all, like Campfire Stories and Twilight Eats Sonata's Taco, the strength of the story rests solely on the concept behind it.
Still going to rate it a little higher than Campfire Stories because at least it doesn't give us the entire Mane Six and then not use any of them, plus I was at least briefly interested in this pony's life. And the stuff about the bathtub was kind of funny, if awkwardly written.
Recommended if: The concept amuses you.
Avoid it if: The above is not true.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
86. Syzygy
by Admiral Biscuit
On the one hand, Sunset has become one of my favorite characters. On the other, the description and comments make this sound like a type of story I'm not terribly fond of.
Okay, fortunately, it didn't go the route I was afraid it did. I expected the typical “character makes a fool of themselves through perfectly-reasonable ignorance” comedy here, so I probably should have paid attention to the tags. This is a brief slice-of-life where the character's confusion is understandable, and the resolution is appropriate to the show — simple, friendly, and without mockery. Aside from one random bystander who was dealt with appropriately by Dash.
Also, this just made ShimmerDash a ship for me. Which is good, because I've been torn between TrixDash or Mauxie. Looks like Maud wins the showmare, cause Dash just picked up a reformed villain (okay, technically Maud did too, but shut up).
I don't care if they're in two different worlds. Pony love knows no bounds.
Also a fic where Sunset is forced to return to Equestria and had to deal with her feelings for a pony who has never met her would be fun.
Recommended if: You like Equestria Girls or Sunset Shimmer, or just don't hate them.
Avoid it if: EQG-haters might go ahead and give it a pass.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
87. Tuna
by Admiral Biscuit
Oh lord a sequel to a crackfic. And Olive Garden. We're going all-out this time, aren't we?
Honestly, this one is okay, so long as you don't mind Luna going full CANTERLOCK. I mean, of course, it's still stupid and random, but what do you expect from a crackfic titled “Tuna”? But the thing is, where Twilight has a very solid characterization in canon, and thus made Twirek weird as hell, Luna has had less canon presence, and is thus a little more flexible. This version of Luna is eccentric enough that I can believe she might go for Tirek, particularly considering it's a pretty random fic to begin with. Plus she has that whole darkness theme, and she used to be a demonic would-be conqueror of Equestria, so they have that in common. Still, it really isn't up to the usual quality I've come to expect from Biscuit, and a good deal of the humor relies on real-world references, like The Olive Garden.
If this gets featured, Rainbow Bob will flay me.
But I don't believe it was, and that is a tragedy.
Also, still not as weird as the Angel Bunny/Spike fic I read once.
Recommended if: You want random and absurd crackfic.
Avoid it if: You hate CANTERLOCK VOICE Luna.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
88. Just Peachy
by Ianpiersonjdavis
This one falls into the same trap that most of 2006midnight's stories have been. In having a character monologue their thoughts to us, there's no real action to maintain interest, and what we get is mostly telling. Monologues can be done well. I've written one myself that got a pretty good reception. But they're rare. The only other one that comes to mind at the moment is Light The Sky on Fire by EquesTRON, and even that has action to it — Scootaloo's thoughts just make up the majority of it. And that's the problem. Most fics done in this style just aren't very engaging, because nothing really happens during them. Further, with Peachbottom regularly reminding herself of the Mane Six's names, the story felt very repetitive.
Recommended if: You're desperate for some more Peachbottom.
Avoid it if: You don't like telling or repetition.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
Also, it seems Peachbottom clopfics are surprisingly rare, considering how suggestive her name is.
It was hard to find some decent chickenbutt art, too.
89. What Used To Be
by SonicMlpGamerandArtist
Okay, this looks like it's a sequel/spinoff/AU to another fic this author wrote. And the comments section suggest we're going to have another character succumbing to madness, just like Dash did in the last one. Not really looking forward to this, on those two points.
First, this really doesn't sound like Spike. Presumably this is either due to events in the prequel fic, or the prequel established this as later in the timeline or otherwise deviated from the show canon. Either way, you generally want a sequel to be able to stand alone to an extent. It's fine if the reader misses references to particular events. But if not reading the previous entry makes the next incomprehensible, it's a problem.
Next, you launch straight from the current scene into a flashback without any indication. No italics. No “***” or horizontal line to separate the sections. Not even a double-space. It just flows straight from one into the other. This is very confusing for the reader. The weirdest thing is that you have “>><<” as a scene break in the middle of the flashback. And then we leave the flashback and return to the original scene without any markers once again.
The final wrap-up is full of emotional telling. Virtually every emotion is spelled out for both characters. And yet, there's so little emotional impact that Spike “losing himself” feels like it's happening in response to nothing. The fact that it's declared with the straightforward “I completely broke down and lost all of my sanity” ends the fic on a dull note, as well.
Recommended if: You really loved the original, I guess.
Avoid it if: You try to avoid telling or questionable characterization.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
90. Wanderer
by SonicMlpGamerandArtist
So the last brony (how does he know he's the last, anyway?) goes to Equestria, but winds up lost in the Everfree Forest until a manticore eats him.
This thing has typos everywhere. I think I was seeing words with missing letters virtually every line. But more importantly, it has the same problem as a number of fics I've done here recently — a character is monologuing to the reader while failing to be particularly interesting. On top of that, it does something similar to SonicMLP's other two fics in this batch in having the protagonist give in to stresses and surrender himself to his fate in a flat and dull conclusion. I guess this was written as a mockery of wish-fulfillment HiE fics, but it's so heavy-handed in dismissing them that it loses some of the strength it may have otherwise had.
Recommended if: You hate HiEs and want them to die.
Avoid it if: Typos annoy you, or you want good pacing.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
91. What Am I Fighting For?
by 2006midnight
While this is definitely stronger than the last few 2006midnight has done, and it avoids her typical style of having a character exposit to the reader for 1,000 words, it does still rely on the two-character dialogue to accomplish much the same thing. However, it would take little work to make it a much more solid story. The main thing is that, while the whole story is about Silver's doubts and loss of direction, it's told in third-person limited with the focus on Celestia, and head-hops into focusing on Silver at times. If the story was told solely from Silver's point of view, it could give a better look at his life and how he feels beyond him just telling Celestia about it.
Imagine the opening if it began with him leaving his last task, frustrated with his life and dragged down by depression, only to run headfirst into another pony. He's angry, at first, because he was already in a bad mood, and now some careless pony has just made his day that much worse. And then he looks up and realizes, to his horror, he was about to tell off the Princess herself.
That lets us explore Silver's emotions in a more natural way that what was presented. I do commend you, by the way, for depicting depression in a proper manner. Though you're still using “a lone tear rolled down his cheek” as an emotional shortcut, and that's never going to be effective.
Recommended if: You want to see Celestia showing off that whole “used to be the Element of Kindess” part of her character that often gets left behind amid all the schemes and trolling.
Avoid it if: You don't care about some OC's troubles.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
92. The Snipe Hunt
by Admiral Biscuit
Welp, we open on Apple Accent and talking heads. Off to a bad start, here. It doesn't really improve as the story goes on. But then again, it doesn't really get worse, either. And it's not that bad. It's just the CMC out crusading and causing accidental property damage along the way, like normal. My main objection to the story is actually that it feels incomplete. Nothing comes of the CMC's actions, when usually, both on the show and in fics, their antics are the setup for a larger conflict centered on the fallout of whatever it was they tried to do this time. Here, they're out looking for “snipes”, play with a pumpkin cannon, and then decide to build their own. That's it.
The title barely had anything to do with the story, as well. The titular snipe hunt was just an excuse to get them out and wandering around after dark.
Recommended if: You want some standard-if-brief CMC activity.
Avoid it if: You want the story to play out to an actual point.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
93. Leave All Your Worries Far Behind
by 2006midnight
So, the opening is kind of cute filly-princess antics, but the pacing way too fast, and, as usual, relies on “tears falling” to show sadness. The entire dream, particularly Nightmare Moon's presence, is over far too quickly, and has little impact. Thanks to that, Celestia waking up screaming seems like a huge overreaction, and a second use of falling tears so soon after the first just emphasises how weak that expression is. The sisters' discussion afterwards is pretty straightforward and bland, and features two more uses of falling tears, bringing us to four times in 1,100 words. While it's nice to see 2006midnight get away from the expository mono-/dialogues, this isn't really an improvement.
Recommended if: You want some filly royal sisters and Celestia/Luna bonding.
Avoid it if: You dislike telling or poor pacing.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
94. Silver Spanner gets her Cutie Mark
by Admiral Biscuit
Here we go. We've had a run of weaker entries from Biscuit, but this one brings us back to form.
This is a nice slice-of-life that serves as a good example of how to engage readers in an OC. Now, of course, Silver Spanner is not an OC, but she has almost no presence in fiction, and her canon appearances aren't particularly common, either. The only thing separating her from a completely original character in this story is her name, really. She has problems we can relate to: bored of school, and certain that her life is going a different direction than what her parents intend for her. But where many character-focus fics featuring OCs (or OC stand-ins like Spanner) try to either get into the character's head before we care about them, or else endlessly fixate on their troubles, this one just has her go out and do things. Her problems are confronted in the process, and we engage with the character in a much more natural manner. There's also some good world-building in the casual racism and sexism that Spanner runs into, but they never dominate the story, instead being presented realistically as just the way those particular characters think.
Also, this has convinced me to finally read Onto the Pony Planet, which I'll probably get to sometime in January, because after I finish the Oneshotober blogs, I have another pile of fics I want to do reviews for.
I work in retail, and I'm trying to read and review about 50 stories totalling over 300,000 words between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am an idiot.
Recommended if: You like background ponies, cutie mark stories, or slice-of-life.
Avoid it if: Genre dislike is the only reason I have.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
95. One Day
by 2006midnight
So, we're back to the expository monologues again. The story doesn't focus on sadness like many of these have, and overall aims for a far more positive tone than we've been seeing. On the other hand, that whole monologue was actually a bit worrisome. That's the sort of thinking that can lead to Utopia Justifies The Means, and I think it could easily be worked into a darkfic that takes Celestia from her canon self to a Nightmare fall.
Also, a POV issue. There's really only one POV that allows you to point out a character was oblivious to something, without having it be the observation of another character, and that is Third-Person Omniscient. In limited POVs, the focus character can't point it out about themselves because they wouldn't be aware that they're oblivious to something, and they can't point it out about another because they'd have no way of knowing that for certain. And this story isn't properly omniscient because omniscient POV gives equal focus to every major character. In this case, it's all Celestia, with almost nothing from Luna.
All in all, the story is okay, but the monologue and POV issues both drag it down.
Recommended if: Celestia musing on how she sees the world sounds interesting to you.
Avoid it if: You dislike telling.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
96. Twilight gets Stoned and Stares at her Hoof
by Admiral Biscuit
So, I wasn't sure where we'd go with this one. After all, there are plenty of fics out there where ponies ingest illicit substances and then proceed to do strange things, and they run the gamut of genres, though I don't think I've seen a Dark one yet.
Which would be about OD'ing, I guess, so that'd kinda suck. But personally, I'd rather see someone do a pony take on Reefer Madness.
As far as this one? Well, it's some vaguely-comic slice-of-life stuff starring Twilight's OCD, and then she drinks the magic tea. There are some funny lines, and plenty of hints at what else is going on. Clearly, Spike's been on a pretty hot and heavy date. I suspect it was meant to be with Rarity, but Biscuit never specified. So for purposes of this review, somepony else gave him that hickie.
I'm just saying it's possible.
Anyway, it's pretty light humor overall, though there are plenty of funny lines, and Twilight winds up being far less obnoxious than most stoners I've known.
Recommended if: You want a “ponies do drugs” story that doesn't go for full-on trollfic.
Avoid it if: You want some stronger humor.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
97. The Breakup
by Admiral Biscuit
No link: Mature/Sex.
For some reason, I thought this was a Sad/Dark before I opened it, and I was curious as to what sort of non-clop sex fic Biscuit might present to us. Then I saw the “pony rides” thing in the cover art and realized we weren't really straying far from the beaten path here.
And upon reading it, I have confirmation. This isn't far off the beaten path… for a Biscuit fic.
It's a sex-comedy that plays with expectations, in a very similar manner to his other Oneshotober entry, Important Differences. There's no actual sex here, just a lot of very frank discussion and some suggestions of off-screen antics. It's only barely mature, and I'd have gone ahead and linked it if not for site rules on the matter. In the end, it's about the physical difficulties of human-pony relations, and the sad but true fact that none of us would really be able to pleasure our waifus in such a relationship.
Of course, that only applies if it's a mare you're after.
Cadance, you lucky bitch.
All in all, a solid fic where Biscuit has once again made some OCs engaging and likable. It's funny in places, as well, mostly the reveal at the end. And, as I said, there's not really any sex, so all of you anti-cloppers (not that I think I have many among my followers, considering) shouldn't be afraid of giving it a look.
Finally, if you question the anatomical differences posited by the premise in the first place, I direct you to Biscuit himself, and the lengthy blog post/comment arguments he's posted on the subject.
Recommended if: You like human fics or sex comedy.
Avoid it if: Human-on-pony or horse-on-pony gross you out.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
98. Sunset for Sunset
by Admiral Biscuit
And here we finally hit that great nemesis of reviewers: the fic that's actually pretty good, but you find personally distasteful.
I suppose I can't honestly complain too much about it. It's a pretty dark bit of headcanon about how Sunset managed to integrate herself into the EQG-verse, and goes exactly where one would expect it to, from that premise (and the title). I suppose that if I have any complaint about it, it's that it doesn't really feel like a thing that could happen. I mean, maybe it could have with just the first movie, right up until the end. But once we had the second, well…
Just look at her.
She's fucking adorable.
That is designed, from start to finish, to be the cutest smile ever.
I mean, Shining is great and all, but I want this one now.
Okay, in all seriousness, beyond Rainbow Rocks jossing this thing by making Sunset a pretty good person in the end, there's just not very much emotion present here. Sunset is too detached from her situation the entire time. There's only the briefest confusion with her new body and the mirrored ponies, she never seems particularly worried about what she'll do next, and she does the deed without giving any impression of difficulty or emotional strain.
I can't buy Sunset as a sociopath, is what I'm saying. And even if she's being presented as one, it's not in a particularly engaging way.
Recommended if: You want some headcanon that makes EQG a slightly darker place.
Avoid it if: You don't think Sunset was ever murderously evil.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For, but with an admittedly heavy bias.
For the record, Sunset obviously lives in Canterlot, not Ponyville, just like Twilight. That's why she never met her other self. This raises three questions, which someone should write fics to answer:
1. When Twilight comes to Ponyville post-Rainbow Rocks, what happens when she meets Sunset, who's a perfect copy of a girl she knew back home?
2. Just how does Sunset get by if she isn't leeching off of the parents of the girl she murdered?
3. Whatever became of Sunset's Equestrian parents? Do they know the way her tutelage with Celestia ended? Do they know she's alive in another world?
And, I guess exploring the ever-more-broken mind of Sunset if you take this as canon and then proceed through all her character development in the two movies would also be a good story.
99. Sonata grabs Twilight's Peaches
by Admiral Biscuit
0/5, they didn't have sex.
I was going to continue my good run of random pictures here, but I couldn't find even one picture of Twilight and Sonata making out.
I can't tell you how much our fandom has disappointed me today.
Anyway, while you might expect the sequel to a silly, random fic to be at least no better than the original, this one defies that expectation. Kind of like The Rescuers compared to The Rescuers Down Under, except not that good. Because come on, we're talking about The Rescuers Down Under. By the way, does anyone else think that The Rescuers ought to be in the same continuity as The Great Mouse Detective? Maybe even Rescue Rangers, but that would be kind of weird since it was inspired by The Rescuers in the first place.
I should probably stop talking about Disney and review the story.
Like I was saying, I actually liked this one more than the first. The big thing is where the first was more or less a long setup for the double entendre gag at the end, with only a couple vaguely-funny lines in the story itself, this one is pretty consistently funny throughout. Not necessarily laugh-out-loud funny, but the Dazzlings' bickering at least merits a smile, particularly Sonata's inane fixation on her lunch. It makes the punchline the cherry on top rather than the sole focus, and is all the better for being a double subversion, as well.
And now someone needs to use “Cherry On Top” as the title of a Cherry Jubilee clopfic.
Recommended if: You liked the original but wish it had been funnier.
Avoid it if: Anti-shippers and EQG fans won't find anything that changes their minds here.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
Also it kind of begs for a follow-up to show us Twilight's reaction. That can be the part where they have sex.
100-A. The Great and Powerful Trixie Bakes a Cake
by Admiral Biscuit
This is another one that just doesn't have much to it. The majority of the narrative is just Trixie following the linked recipe for a cake, and sometimes singing to herself. There was one part where she had a shower and took the time to check herself out in the mirror. Sadly, the fic didn't linger on this.
Seriously, Biscuit. You give me Trixie with curves and/or cute pudge (depending on how you read that description), have her check herself out, and don't go into extensive detail? It's like you hate my fun.
And yeah, normally I'm very critical of stories that have women admiring their own looks or sexual prowess as unrealistic male fantasy. But this is Trixie. She's a world-class narcissist. If anyone is going to gush over their own appearance, it's her.
Anyway, like I said, outside of that brief scene, there's a whole lot of nothing here. It's an Exactly What It Says On The Tin story with a premise that isn't particularly funny. Further, a lot of the descriptions of Trixie making the cake are lifted directly from the blog the recipe came from in the first place.
Recommended if: I dunno. The title sounds funny to you? You want to read a lot of Trixie talking to herself? You have a cake fetish?
Avoid it if: Main reason is it really doesn't go anywhere beyond fulfilling the title and premise.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
100-B. The Cake
by Trixie Lulamoon
Admiral Biscuit, in response to a comment I made on his blog, said the following:
Also, it's not a complete review of Trixie Bakes a Cake unless you actually bake the cake (unless you're allergic to peanuts).
I accept your challenge, even if it does delay the review blog by another day or two.
Fortunately, we have most of what I need around the kitchen. Asilin bakes more than I do, and even that isn't much. But some of the things in this recipe are things she needs for making Texas Sheetcake later this week, so even if it turns out badly, there won't be too much going to waste. In the end, I'm just spending about $10 on buttermilk, cream, weird all-natural peanut butter, and unsalted butter.
Because I don't bake often (I'm more comfortable on a grill, griddle, or slow cooker), I don't always have the best equipment for it. So rather than using a single deep 9-inch pan, I'm using two shallow ones that are almost 9 inches, but actually slightly different sizes. On top of that, one's lighter than the other, so not only am I guessing at the cook time in the first place, the top and bottom aren't going to cook evenly. Still, I do what I can with it.
Both pieces stuck to the pans, and the bottom came apart as I tried to transfer it. Going to go ahead and blame those on the guesswork involved in the actual baking. The frosting was an issue, too. It called for three cups of confectioner's sugar, but by the time I'd added two, it was so thick and dry it looked less like frosting and more life a pile of malformed muddy buddies. Unfortunately, I didn't take a picture of that step. I did change up the frosting recipe a bit so it would actually come out looking like frosting, but that may have altered the taste a bit.
I'll note I went for the chocolate alternative, but two tablespoons of cocoa in that much frosting didn't really make much of a difference.
It's not pretty, but there you go.
It honestly reminds me of the peanut butter cookies my mother makes for the holidays, but those are best had in small doses. This is like trying to eat a dozen of the things with each slice. The recipe is right. This thing is seriously rich. It's not really for me, but maybe I'll try and pawn it off on my mom or sister.
I think if I were ever to make it again, though, I'd use a plain chocolate frosting instead.
Recommended if: You love peanut butter and have no fear of death.
Avoid it if: You have a history of heart disease in your family.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
101. A Pony Walks into a Police Station
by Admiral Biscuit
So, this is based on this blog post from Estee, which was in turn about this news piece.
It kind of reminds me of Biscuit's story Highway 502, and the similarity has been noted in the comments. It has the same “humans and ponies cross over through thin spots in reality” premise as the first story, and the same generally nonchalant attitude. Here, however, the characters are unfortunately less engaging all around. I liked Highway 502 because I cared about what happened to the characters there, despite how little time I had to get to know them. Here, it just feels like some random cop and some random foal. They just didn't come across as well as the ones in the first story.
Recommended if: You want a fairly well-written take on meme-bait.
Avoid it if: You need strong characterization to pull you in.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
102. Nightmare Night Sleepover
by Admiral Biscuit
Here it is, everyone. The last Admiral Biscuit story for Oneshotober. And also likely the last Biscuit story I'll be reading for a while (sorry, but I've done 31 of them already).
This one is cute, but falls short a bit. It's actually a good demonstration of an issue I had with a couple earlier fics. The best part of this is easily Noi telling her story. It's adorable, particularly how Dinky and Berry keep interrupting her to point out the holes in her logic, and in response Noi just changes the story and keeps going. It's cute, and a perfectly childlike attempt at a scary story. In comparison, Sparkler's story later is pretty boring. Like Campfire Stories, we're given the gist of it, and the rest is skimmed.
When the story plays out in full, we not only get the story-with-a-story, but we also get to see the characters playing with the ideas in that story. Sparkler's story, and Campfire Stories, is missing those character details that make Noi’s story so enjoyable.
Recommended if: You like fillies being fillies.
Avoid it if: Skimming the second story seems like it would be too much of a let-down for you.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
103. One Shot Alley
by Grey Faerie
Okay, I saved this one for last because I’ve been doing them in submission order, but as this was a continually-updated anthology set, I would have either been starting the reviews while the author still updated it, or I would have skipped some, or even had to split the reviews between multiple blogs.
I’ll try and say a few sentences for each one, give an individual rating, and then rate the collection as a whole at the end. I will note, though, that the tags only fit about half of the stories, which is a common issue with anthology collections.
103-A: Behind the Mirror
A nice, solid bit of darkfic about the Pool of Mirrors, which some of you may know is one of my favorite plot hooks, and Too Many Pinkie Pies is one of my favorite episodes. It’s a very clever take on the idea, and doesn’t usually get too overwrought on the emotions. That said, sometimes Pinkie is a bit too dramatic when thinking aloud, and the ending could have been stronger. (3/5)
103-B: Home Horrors
The talking heads here reach the point of distraction, and the writing is pretty consistently awkward in the dialogue, as well. In the second scene, there’s a barrage of pony puns on movie titles, and the only one that really works is “Sawhorse”. The rest all kinda fall flat. The spelling and grammar could use work throughout, and the random insertion of the author’s OC was pointless. You’re never going to endear your audience to a character who’s introduced with “Oh, that’s (author_name). You know (mane_six_name)’s best friend from (other_town)?” (1/5)
103-C: Dancing on my toes
More talking heads, which creates some confusion this time. At first, it seems like Twilight and Rarity are the only ones present, but Rarity’s speech is entirely out-of-character for her. It’s only after a few hundred words of totally-unattributed dialogue that we learn Pinkie and Discord are present, and would presumably be the sources of those OOC lines. After that, the story again has a number of spelling/grammar problems, particularly choppy writing and telling, until the sudden wrap-up kills any humor or forward momentum the story had going for it. (1/5)
103-D: Heavy Arms Snow day
This entire thing is basically just setting a scene, with a few lines of action at the end. The writing is choppy, as well, and the story is prone to telling. I’d say more, but as it’s under 1k words, there’s just not much to comment on, either. (1/5)
103-E: Love this Vine
Telling is the biggest problem with this one, constantly having symbols like question marks or hearts appear over the heads of the vine creatures to express their emotions, and then also going to to describe them doing things “in fear” or “in confusion”, etc. It also feels out-of-character for Discord, who’s being surprisingly kind and considerate. Misspelled words are very frequent, and once again a rushed ending makes it feel like the author forced the story to a close because they got tired of writing it, rather than reaching a natural ending point. (1/5)
103-F: A Book to Read
Another clever idea, if predictable from the point where the narrator starts talking about being happy. My only real issue is that, until the very last line, it has absolutely nothing to do with Ponies, and could be talking about any story at all. It also kind of begs the question of what the point of it all is. The role the “story wraiths” play, the reality of the world of the story, and the degree of free will both they and the other characters possess — I’m not sure if these questions are intentional, but they felt distracting to me. (2/5)
103-G: Two Weeks
DiscoPie, and more blatant about it than the third story had been, though the focus is more on Discord’s interaction with the princesses. Once again, this really isn’t the Discord we know from the show. He’s friendly, helpful more often than not, and just generally tame. His behavior is less chaotic and more just childish. Beyond that, the whole thing is really just a bunch of dialogue with yet another sudden ending. (1/5)
103-H: The lengths of Charity
This one speaks in support of donation programs like “Locks of Love”, but not to the extent that Ianpiersonjdavis’s story “Fluttershy Donates Blood” promotes its form of charity. The focus here seems to instead be on the feelings each of the mane six have about losing most of their manes, and the problems come in how those are presented. In what I’m sure is just a sign of rushed writing, all of them are pretty telly, while also failing to explore those emotions to any great length, even when the story warrants it. For example, Pinkie clearly had the worst reaction to it, but we really only get to see that she’s putting on a false smile. Everything deeper than that is left out. (2/5)
103-I: Winter is coming
Aside from the usual spelling and grammar mistakes, this is just a headcanon dump about dragons, and for some reason the Dragon Empire is analogous to Russia. A few times during Twilight’s exposition, which basically reads like a fictionalized Wikipedia entry, the other characters (usually Dash) comment or otherwise express how boring it is. Problem is, it actually is that boring. Having the characters confirm to me that what I’m reading is dull doesn’t exactly make up for it being dull in the first place. There’s also the question of why the dragons would be dealing with Twilight, rather than one of the more senior princesses. Either way, this is either a dull headcanon infodump or a dull OC backstory infodump. (1/5)
Recommended if: You want to check out chapters One and Six.
Avoid it if: The rest of it really isn’t worth it.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against, but the first chapter merits a look, though it could still use some editing.
There. That’s all of them. We’re not quite done yet, because I want to write a wrap-up blog going into my favorite stories and how the scores break down, but that might be another day or two.
Wow. I preferred Peaches to Taco myself, so I'm glad to see you agree with me on that. :)
I'd just like to state for the record that I do not believe Sunset Shimmer is capable of killing her counterpart. I didn't believe it before I saw the movie, and I don't believe it now that I have.
Debatable. Octavia and Vinyl Scratch probably both live in Canterlot (or not-Ponyville) and were at CHS; Maud doesn't live in Ponyville, and Luna and Celestia both live in Canterlot for sure, so living in Ponyville or not isn't a requirement for whether you've got a clone at CHS.
I suppose it would depend on whether there was a Sunset clone in EqG-verse to begin with, and if so, what (if anything) happened to her. Heck, she could be off in Siput, studying slugs, and will be quite surprised when she gets back to CHS.
That's really a damn good question. That could be the subject of a lot of fics, and was the subject of much discussion in the comments of Syzygy. For the record, I doubt she'd go for prostitution to pay the bills, but I could see her committing petty theft.
If I remember correctly, Cadance was an orphan when Celestia found her; maybe Sunset was, too. Or maybe two somber Guardponies came to her parent's door with a telegram, explaining that she had turned evil and been banished to another world.
In fact, maybe that's a semi-common occurrence in Canterlot. Maybe someone could use that as a story concept.
I did consider that as a possible story, and -- having now watched the movie -- I think it could fit with her desire for redemption, now that she's not evil any more. Of course, it's a lot easier to apologize to
BradFlash for using him and breaking his heart than it would be to her parents. What do you say? "Sorry I murdered your real daughter, but hey! It's okay, because I'm her replacement, and I'm pretty much the same."Also, I appreciate your dedication at making the cake. I don't know if I should be disappointed or cheered that it rated higher than the story.
2619776
I meant that bit to be a bit tongue-in-cheek. But you raise good points on the rest of them.
2619778
If I rated it on the icing alone, I guarantee the fic would have been higher. The cake was better than the icing in this case.
Haha, laziness strikes again. So much other stuff happened that month that in the end, I couldn't do much more than what I ended up with. Anyway, I am happy you found some of it interesting and your review was very good. I'll keep it in mind when I do go back and fix up the chapters.