Oneshotober Reviews, Part 1 · 6:39am Oct 28th, 2014
Oneshotober has become a rather contentious event. It has a reputation, perhaps deserved, for producing unoriginal, poorly-thought-out, hastily-written, and generally unedited fics. But how do they actually stack up?
Because I’m either an idiot or a masochist, I’m going to review them. All of them. Right here.
After all, Present Perfect does this for like every other contest on the site. How bad could it possibly be?
Reviews will be posted in the order they appeared on the site. My own stories will obviously be exclued.
And remember, guys—when I give you a poor review, you can at least take solace in the fact that I probably felt really bad about it. 
1. Breezies vs. Parasprites: An Apocalyptic Meal
by Biker_Dash
A parasprite follows the breezies home and does what parasprites do. Soon, the swarm devours everything and everyone. Not a bad concept at all, but the writing is very bland and telly. There are some issues with repetition, as well. Unfortunately, the dry narrative robs this of any real sense of tragedy. That failure to deliver on the emotions is what really kills this, considering it’s billed as a Tragedy.
Recommended if: You like the idea of breezie genocide and don’t mind bland prose.
Avoid it if: You need your tragedies to deliver a decent kick to the feels.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
2. Every Mare for Herself
by Ianpiersonjdavis
The conclusion of Rarity Takes Manehattan, from Suri’s point of view. Fics that kick the villain while she’s down, or else seek to punish those who seemed to escape justice, are a bit of a cliche. And that’s really all this is. You get to see Coco tell Suri off, Suri get kicked out of the show, et cetera. Rewarding, perhaps, but as I said — a bit tired. It can be telly, too, but most of the story is dialogue, so that never becomes a major distraction.
Recommended if: You wanted to see Suri Polomare knocked down a few more pegs.
Avoid it if: You need originality in your fics.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
3. Wings of Time
by 2006midnight
A word of advice to the author: as soon as you use the phrase “began to cry”, you have just failed to elicit emotion from your reader. That phrase carries no weight, and instead simply sounds childlike. You can go ahead and replace it with “was sad” for all the impact it has.
Anyway. Luna angsts over being lonely and that whole Nightmare Moon thing. She even has a mental chat with Nightmare Moon. Then she goes dreamwalking and visits Scootaloo. After saving Luna from a nightmare, she offers some advice learned from her banishment, and then monologues about her trip to the moon for a few paragraphs while crying some more. In addition on the trite subject matter and dull execution, there are some formatting mistakes that can make the story confusing. The flashback switches the story from Third-Person to First and indicates that with italics. And then includes Third-Person actions during it and indicates those by removing italics. This is a bad stylistic choice to begin with, and when you add that sometimes we forget to remove italics, it makes it even worse.
Finally, this is tagged Sad/Tragedy, and while it does have an overall Sad tone, it ends on a high note, so it isn’t Tragedy.
Recommended if: You really, really like flashback monologuing.
Avoid it if: You’ve had more than your fill of Luna angst.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
4. Don’t Blame the Moon
by Ianpiersonjdavis
The conversation Celestia and Luna had immediately following the events of Episode 2. There are few editing errors here, but those that I do see are pretty glaring, such as misused or extraneous words. For example, “incontinent” doesn’t mean “incapable”. It means “having little or no control”, and generally refers to bodily functions. There’s also a line or two that are questionable in canon. For one, the sisters never lived in Ponyville. Ponyville was founded by the Apple family when Celestia granted them the land. Canterlot was already the seat of the government at that point.
On the whole, there are some rather nice sentiments, but almost the entire story is talking-head dialogue between the Royal Sisters, and it gets dull fast.
Recommended if: You want a very optimistic take on how the reunion went.
Avoid it if: Talking heads bore you.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
5. Tears of Blackened Ice
by 2006midnight
Congratulations, you’re the first winner of the “this title would make a good metal album” prize in this review.
While the prose here is quite poetic, and the imagery it pulls up fascinating, I can’t say I actually understood anything that was happening. It seems like the story gets so wrapped up in painting this picture of winter’s gothic beauty that it forgot to actually have a narrative. I still don’t know if the italicized sections were meant to be simple narration, Rarity’s thoughts, or the voice of something reaching out to her. I actually kept expecting this to be building up to Nightmarity, with how much focus was put on darkness and temptation.
Also, if the title made a good metal album, you could mine the italicized sections for lyrics.
Recommended if: You like dark and poetic imagery.
Avoid it if: You want to be able to actually follow the narrative.
Final verdict: (3/5) Slightly For.
6. Consequences
by Ianpiersonjdavis
Celestia ponders her actions over the past few years, and begins to doubt her capacity as a ruler. While I don’t necessarily agree with this presentation of Celestia, I do understand the points being made. Throughout the show’s run, she’s been a mentor, yes, but the few times she’s taken action herself, everything fell apart (though those who read the comics know she’s a much stronger character there). My only real complaint here is that, while Celestia’s thoughts on recent events are interesting, Discord’s reactions to them would be even more so.
Recommended if: You want to see Celestia in a moment of doubt and weakness.
Avoid it if: Introspection pieces just aren’t your thing.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
7. Their first (spied on) date
by The red knight
And so it begins. I suppose one shouldn’t speak ill of the b&, but this… is honestly better than I expected. Which you shouldn’t take to mean it was good. This is still really, really bad. It switches between First- and Third-Person, the grammar is atrocious, the pacing is all over the place, and it just tries way too hard to be “random” comedy. I will grant that some of the jokes aren’t bad, but nothing really made me laugh. And it even avoids some major newbie writer mistakes like saidisms… at first. The difference in quality from the first two scenes to the third is a great example of why saidisms are a bad thing, and I wish it happened in a better story so I could use it as a lesson to others. Oh, and finally: rape jokes have no place in a story this lighthearted and show-appropriate.
I really think this could have been an excellent Slice of Life story, were it written competently and not rushed so much.
Recommended if: You like SweetieMash and don’t mind poor grammar.
Avoid it if: You like stories that aren’t rendered unreadable by grammar failure.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
8. Master of My Own Destiny
by 2006midnight
Sweetie Belle is lying in bed, having trouble sleeping because she can’t stop thinking about all the ways Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon bully her and her friends. And then she has an epiphany and decides she won’t let them get to her anymore. The sentiment is nice, and some of her expression of her new personal drive are strong enough, but there’s no conflict. Sweetie hits on her answer almost immediately and the rest of the story is just her musing on it. Without even a personal conflict for Sweetie to overcome, there’s nothing here to make us invest ourselves in the story, and that winds up making it very dull in the end.
Recommended if: You want to read a pony motivational speech.
Avoid it if: You need actual conflict to connect with a story.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against
9. Jack's orgins
by The red knight
Filly Pinkie is staying with her uncle, TRK’s OC, and asks for a bedtime story. She gets a weakly-ponified retelling of a Halloween myth. First things first, who or what is Slit? I’m not going to go read that fic you have about your OCs just to make sense of this one. Moving on, grammar and spelling errors are everywhere, Pinkie is just shoehorned into the framing story for no reason, it’s really just a retelling of another story with ponies inserted, and the myth we’re given doesn’t even explain anything properly.
Recommended if: There’s really nothing worth taking time out of your day for, here. Just skip it.
Avoid it if: See above.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
10. Applejack vs. the Auto Bucker
by The red knight
So, this is “John Henry the Steel-Drivin’ Man”, but with Applejack bucking apples against Flim & Flam’s new machine. No, really, that’s all it is. The chapter title is even “A buck driving mare”, which doesn’t even make sense. As with all the TRK stories on here, no editing has been done for grammar and spelling, and it shows—“Appleloosa” is spelled incorrectly two different ways. Braeburn’s supposed to have a broken back, but it’s treated like any other broken bone despite that being a crippling and potentially life-long injury.
And then, halfway through, TRK’s OCs interrupt the narrative to announce that the rest of the story will be a musical. We’re blessed with a weakly-ponified version of the folk song, all the way through John Henry’s Applejack’s death by exhaustion. Until the OCs interrupt again and explain they can’t just kill a Mane Cast Member, so it reveals that she collapsed and was taken to the hospital. And then we get a laughter ending instead.
At least I got a new story idea out of this…
Recommended if: Like the last one, it’s not worth it.
Avoid it if: Just avoid it.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
11. Babs school day
by The red knight
TRK’s OC is the substitute teacher for Babs’s class. Huzzah? Also, there’s an “S” in “Babs”. Another misspelled title. And then I saw one of the characters say “OMC”, and at first I thought it was a typo. Then I realized it meant “Oh My Celestia” and it caused me physical pain. Anyway, the non-Ponyville CMC are taunted by Not-Diamond-Tiara and Not-Silver-Spoon, and then find out they have a sub for their last class. The sub turns out to be TRK’s OC, and we discover Babs has a huge crush on him. Not-Diamond tells the OC that Babs has a cheat sheet, and when he confiscates it, he discovers it’s badly-written poetry about him. So he has to let her down gently because he’s not a pedophile.
There, I just spared you having to read it. I almost wish it had gone the pedo route, just so there’d be something more to this than a dull OC-insert with the usual bad grammar and spelling.
Recommended if: You want to read about a group of fillies who are basically the CMC, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon, except not in Ponyville.
Avoid it if: Basically every other reason. I know I’m getting harsher as I go on, but I just read three of these things in a row.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
12. Will My Soul Ever Rest in Peace?
by 2006midnight
Luna is angsting over her place in Equestria, just like she was in “Wings of Time”, and the entire fic is a character depressed and musing to herself in bed, just like “Master of My Own Destiny”. You’ve got a pattern here, Midnight.
Anyway, Luna’s thoughts are sincere enough, and the themes here could have carried a much stronger story if there was some action to go along with them. It could be Luna struggling against the Nightmare’s lingering presence (even if you already did this in “Wings of Time”), or contemplating suicide, or… Anything, really. The emotions are here, but it’s the emotions alone. They need something to support them. Depressed introspection on its own is hard to connect to.
And, as I said earlier, “began to cry” is a flat and lifeless phrase.
Recommended if: You want some introspective Luna angst.
Avoid it if: You want literally anything else.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
13. Business Card for you too
by The red knight
Rarity’s business is floundering, and OC steps in to help. That’s the setup for a lot of clopfics featuring her (or Applejack, for that matter), but sadly this is just another mediocre comedy. “Randomness” abounds, and there’s a forced running gag about Rarity gorging on ice cream in response to every stressful thing that happens. Grammar and spelling are as unedited as ever, and we suddenly switch from Second-Person to First in the middle of the story. The whole thing about making a “fake” infomercial was confusing as hell, particularly the quickly-wrapped-up conclusion. By the end of it, I still didn’t know if Card was supposed to be a legit businesspony or a con artist.
And seriously, Rarity’s personal spell is a gem-locator. How does she ever run out of money?
Recommended if: I can’t think of a single thing.
Avoid it if: You like stories with spelling, grammar, humor, coherent plots, internal logic, or well-developed characters.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
14. Coil and Humble go to a diner
by The red knight
Two OCs have breakfast at a diner and nothing of interest happens. Well, okay, I guess OC1 runs into his eternal rival OC3, and they have a fight that wrecks a grocery store until they’re stopped by OC1’s roommate OC2. But literally the entire rest of the story is just characters having idle conversation. Beyond a fandom shoutout or two, this whole thing is just three guys I don’t care about dicking around. It’s like Waiting For Godot for the simpleminded or something.
Recommended if: You’re desperately seeking a Dadaist non-story starring undeveloped OCs.
Avoid it if: You like stories where things happen.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
15. Dinky's bedtime story
by The red knight
Ditzy reads Dinky a bedtime story. This might have been a cute Slice of Life, except for… well, basically everything. The framing device serves no purpose, because the story isn’t told through Ditzy’s voice. Character traits are introduced and then immediately forgotten. The story doesn’t actually make any sense in the end, in large part because the bedtime story is three different fairy tales mashed together, with plot points dropped from each one, and the story doesn’t transition well at all. And, as always, spelling and grammar are atrocious (our heroine fights a “hyra”, for example).
And I am now picturing a story using the title “Hyra” where Lyra grows multiple heads.
Recommended if: Nope, nothing to see here.
Avoid it if: All of the reasons.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
16. The orgins of a gator
by The red knight
First up, “orgins”.
orgins
Seriously, TRK, every time you use that word.
I do not think it is spelled like you think it is spelled.
Anyway, so our favorite bland OCs are at Pinkie Pie’s eighth birthday party on the rock farm, and I finally get my answer as to what Slit was in that earlier story. Apparently it’s OC’s pet alligator, just like Gummy. Even came from the same farm. And the OC tells a ridiculously embellished version of how he got his pet that still manages to skip over any potentially interesting parts on account of them being unfit for little filly ears. The result is a nonsensical and boring tale that concludes with the revelation that it could have been even more boring.
Do I even need to mention the spelling and grammar at this point?
Recommended if: You’re somehow fascinated by Coil Guy and WhatsHisFace.
Avoid it if: You don’t feel like wasting a few precious minutes of your life, which you will never get back.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
17. Button Mash Learns How Monotonous Item Grinding Is
by TheExhaustedBrony
Button Mash grinds item drops in an MMO for Sweetie Belle, and fails at it, because that’s what Button Mash does. The story is competently-written enough, but a lot of focus is put on how the MMO plays and how the battles play out. At the same time, the story seems to just cut off at the last minute. The story doesn’t go on to reach any sort of satisfying conclusion. It just stops right about the same time Button is about to have to stop playing.
Recommended if: You like SweetieMash and want to see a bit of light-hearted suffering on Button’s part.
Avoid it if: You’re looking for a story that actually goes somewhere with its premise.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
18. Twilight Sparkle Gets High and Eats All of Her Books
by TheExhaustedBrony
Drug-addled ponies do drug-addled things. This isn’t my sort of humor, but I know some people like it. Anyway, Spike’s growing up and has fallen in with the wrong crowd, namely Flim and Flam. He buys some grass, Twilight confiscates it, and then Twilight gets curious. A very detailed description of rolling a blunt and lighting up follows, and then the title happens. There’s nothing really wrong with this, but like the previous story, it would be better if it had explored its premise further, or at least to a proper conclusion. Does Spike confront her on her hypocrisy? Do they make up about it and both swear it off? Do they become regular toking buddies? Should there be a sequel titled Dude, Where’s My Chariot?
The world may never know.
Recommended if: You like random drug-themed humor.
Avoid it if: As above, you want a story with more meat on its bones.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
19. One Must Fall
by 2006midnight
Discord wins the day during the events of “The Return of Harmony”, and then goes to confront Celestia and gloat. Like most of Midnight’s stories I’ve read during these reviews, this one is well-written, but simply not very engaging. In large part this is because the dialogue, which carries the story, is hard to understand. If I take Celestia’s remarks about there “never being another dawn” literally, they’re false, because we’ve seen that Discord is able to control the sun himself. If I take them as figurative, then there’s no context and I don’t know what she’s suggesting. Does she mean she plays a larger role in the world than he realizes? Will the sun go out? Is it a totally figurative statement about destroying Equestria spiritually? There’s nothing to tell us. Finally, Discord comes off a bit flat here, as well. He’s just being cruel and villainous, and lacks the mischievous nature he usually has on the show.
Recommended if: You want to see an argument/fight between Celestia and an unreformed Discord.
Avoid it if: You hate vagueness.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
20. Tickled pink
by The red knight
This isn’t something I’d generally say, because I think authors should be free to write whatever they choose. But in this case, I have to draw a line. This story should not have passed moderation. This is a 300-word story with 700 words of padding stuck in the middle. The entire middle section about whether or not Twilight’s question was racist was not only pointless, but the worst kind of Random-For-The-Sake-Of-Random possible. Like Fluttershy is introduced with an acrostic of her name, and the word choices are clearly random. And then Rainbow Dash sings, and the narrative explicitly states she is “singing so that I could make a thousand words”. TRK could have just written the word “filler” 700 times and gotten the exact same effect.
Never even mind that from the start, the spelling, grammar, pacing, and descriptions are all so bad that I would have thought this was a parody of TRK’s stories if he hadn’t written it himself.
Recommended if: No.
Avoid it if: You don’t hate the written word.
Final verdict: (0/5) Author Should Be Ashamed.
21. Discussions With a Defeated Queen
by TheExhaustedBrony
Sympathy for the devil stories generally aren’t my thing. I like seeing the villain go through a bit of hell first before they get to be redeemed in any way. That said, despite being blatant in how it’s tugging your heartstrings, the fic is honestly engaging, and Chrysalis’s characterization and fate are believable while being intriguing deviations from what I normally see. Though the emotions can be a bit straightforward and overwrought, this is one of the stronger pieces from this set.
Recommended if: You like villain sympathy.
Avoid it if: You’re turned off by heavy-handed emotions.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
22. Hear Them Calling
by 2006midnight
Apple Bloom and Applejack can’t sleep, and take a walk through the orchards while they talk about their late parents, and how they feel they’re still watching over their children even now. While some of this is legitimately heartwarming, character voices are a major problem. Nothing here really sounded like Bloom or AJ, aside from some uses of “sis” and “sugarcube”, respectively. Finally, the moment where they hear voices in the wind was just too contrived, and their blasé reaction to it made the whole ending awkward. Those last two points are the biggest hit against it, and definitely helped drop it in rating.
Recommended if: You want some sisterly bonding with the Apple girls.
Avoid it if: You’re picky about character voice or dislike heavy-handed conclusions.
Final verdict: (2/5) Slightly Against.
23. Button Mash waits in a line
by The red knight
Another relatively good fic from TRK. Emphasis on “relatively”. Beyond the typical grammar and spelling issues, the constant asides and referential humor wreck the pacing, and leave the story feeling unfocused. There’s also an issue with character voice. Frequently, aside from throwing out a catchphrase or two (AJ saying “sugarcube”, Rarity saying “Darling”), no characters have unique voices, nor are characters distinct from the narration. When that combines with the unfocused story and no-spaces layout style, the whole story just feels like a jumbled mass of words.
Recommended if: You’ve read every other Button Mash fic on the site and are desperate for more.
Avoid it if: Poor pacing, poor characterization, and fandom shoutouts bother you.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
24. A.K yearlings day
by The red knight
First off, the long description: “Daring Do is getting ready for a vacation and I am bad a summaries”
We already knew you weren’t even trying, but do you have to make it obvious?
Anyway, there isn’t much to this one. Daring Do is derping around her house, gets a letter from her grandfather asking her to visit, writes back, and then packs her things. Yep, that’s the whole story. Just ends on that note. All of the usual problems are here, too. Spelling and grammar are atrocious. Characters don’t sound like themselves. Plot is unfocused. Pacing is terrible. And the sentence structure is horribly repetitive, killing the flow of the narrative.
Recommended if: You want a good example of “not even trying”.
Avoid it if: You like stories that required even minimal effort on the author’s part.
Final verdict: (1/5) Against.
25. The Rotting (No link: Mature/Gore)
by Takarashi282
Though written for Oneshotober, this is a 10,000-word story spanning three chapters. I’m not sure you get this whole “one-shot” thing, Takarashi.
So Twilight accidentally creates a plague that spreads via magic. It’s definitely an interesting idea, but one I think may have been better used in a plot that was focused on the spread of, and investigation into, the disease itself. While there’s nothing particularly wrong about having it be a hero’s journey for Fluttershy, the other option just seems to open so many more possibilities. Further, I thought the disease and it’s initial effects were crisis enough, and the addition of zombies and action sequences needlessly distracted us from Fluttershy coping with this emotionally.
Pacing was a bit haphazard at times, and there were several points where characters simply did not sound like themselves. I think the most jarring was the scene with Fluttershy screaming in the rain. I know she’s supposed to be pushed past her limits, but real-world cursing, shouting the entire thing, and melodramatic lines just aren’t her. The story also has a tendency to bring emotions out with little preamble, and it gives the impression this is solely to put more weight onto Fluttershy’s shoulders.
But all that being said, this was one of the stronger entries I’ve read thus far, and though I felt it could have been done better, it was worth the read.
Also, despite the author’s warnings, the gore here isn’t really all that severe. My story “Predator” was a bit worse, I think, and if you’ve ever read a gorefic from Cromegas_Flare, you’ve definitely gone beyond anything you’ll see in here.
Recommended if: You want some disease-themed darkfic.
Avoid it if: You’re a stickler for character voice or dislike awkward language.
Final verdict: (4/5) For.
I think that’s enough for now. I was tempted to do the entire challenge in one go, but this is already sitting at 5,000 words. And as tempting as it is to try and do just the longest review blog ever, I’m going to just go ahead and split it up for the sake of having things to post on a regular basis, and it just being easier to read than all 100+ fics in one sitting.
Expect the next one sometime in the next week, though there’s one anthology entry, so that one I may put off until the month is over just to be sure I don’t miss anything from the author.
>none of my stories
damn...
2560109
Not yet. This was 1-25. Eyeballing it, it looks like yours are numbers 27, 35, 40, 47, and 64.
You'll probably have three or four entries in Part 2, and the last one or two in Part 3.
2560132 neat!
I look forward to it
Interesting.
I wonder what the overall score will be when you do and when you don't completely discount TRK's stories...
run
Oh cool. :O
Hey man, thanks for the review on The Rotting. I highly appreciate your input. It really does help my writing improve, knowing what I've done bad.
Anyways, can't wait until you read Canterlot High School Host Club, because that one was a piece of crap.
(And also, the reason why I split it in three chapters was that seeing a 10,000 word-long wall of text is a little overwhelming, and it's bad for slow readers like me who have to find their place. It was more of convenience than anything else making it that way. I do admit that it was more of a real-life novella than a one-shot. I'll work on that next time.)
I didn't like the first oneshitober, and from what I've seen, this one's hardly any different. But I did enjoy this breakdown. Looking forward to the others.
Humble Pie. The OCs name is Humble Pie.
2602773
I know. I just keep calling them those things to stress the point that The Red Knight keeps using these characters without ever doing anything to endear them to us, and thus they will not be memorable.
I've reviewed about 20 of his stories now, many of which featured those two.
Thus far, I could tell you these things:
1) They're roommates.
2) Humble is related to Pinkie.
3) They have a pet alligator.
4) Coil writes Power Ponies fanfiction.
After seeing so much of them, I should really know more about these characters than that.
2602852 I know what you mean. I feel kind of sad for the red knight, as he's a nice guy in general.