I can't get it out of my head!! · 7:12pm Nov 3rd, 2014
Okay, so as some of you know, I mainly write these stories for my girls, (specifically for my older daughter), and everything I've written so far has been rated everyone (except The Fab and the Beautiful, I was forced to rate that teen even though it won't include anything that would require the rating). I came to this site with my mind already made up that I wouldn't write anything that kids couldn't read, but a little over a month ago an idea suddenly just exploded in my head and I can't stop thinking about it. I am even dreaming of it; last night was the second dream I have had about this story. I have never had a story idea do this to me before. Love Your Difference affected me profoundly, and I wrote like a man possessed, but I never dreamed about it. So, I have come to the conclusion that I must write this story.
It is called The Darkening, and will be tagged as Mature, Gore, Adventure, Sad, Dark, Tragedy, Alternate Universe. It will easily be longer than anything I have written so far, or planned to write for that matter. The problem is, this story is dominating so much of my mind that I'm having trouble focusing on my current stories. So here is what I plan to do. I'm going to publish the second chapter of The Fab and the Beautiful on Wednesday afternoon and then put the story on hiatus. Then I am going to focus all of my energies on finishing Better than the Best because I am really feeling this story and it is coming out relatively easy. I am going to set my Pinkie story aside once again, and once Better than the Best is finished, I'm going to work solely on The Darkening.
What I want to know from all of you is: Is this okay? You guys are my followers and I value your opinions. As such, I want to make sure you guys are cool with me putting The Fab and the Beautiful on hiatus, and setting my Pinkie story aside again. I'm mainly concerned because I have been promising both of these to you for quite a while now, and feel bad that I won't be delivering until much later. I will finish both of these stories, and they will be as good of quality as my other stories, but I just can't focus on them right now. Once I have finished The Darkening, or at least written enough that it is no longer driving me insane, I'll make these two my main focus. Pinkie Promise!
Anyway, I wish to share with you the opening of The Darkening. I know it is quite a large sample, but I want you to be able to get a feel for the atmosphere. I don't really feel like anything in this sample is enough to be considered Mature, so I don't think you need to worry about what you're about to read. I really haven't edited it yet, and it is still a bit telly, but you'll get the idea. I would really like to know what you think of it, so any comments/opinions would be appreciated. Thanks guys!
Twilight Sparkle awoke at the sound of hoofsteps outside of her cave. She unfurled her bat-like wings and stretched before releasing her grip and falling to the cave floor. As she landed lightly on her hooves, her large, sensitive ears told her that there were three ponies approaching.
She took a deep breath. It was time.
The full moon held its endless vigil above as she exited her cave and turned her attention to the three bowing vamponies before her.
Although all four of them were Ascended, Twilight was the first born of Mistress's generals, and was second to none except Mistress herself.
Rainbow Dash, the second born, was the first to rise. "Mistress is ready for us."
Upon hearing Rainbow address Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Rarity stood but remained silent. During a formal meeting such as this, they knew that only Rainbow had the privilege to speak.
Wordlessly, Twilight stepped around them and headed toward the dilapidated town.
They trotted through the dead forest in silence, little more than shadows drifting through the night. Their glowing red eyes were the only sign of their passing as they weaved through the twisted, bare trees and withered bushes.
When they came to a dried riverbed, the four of them spread their wings and soared over the collapsing bridge. On the other side, a small crowd of vamponies were awaiting, and as the four of them landed, they all bowed submissively.
The glint of moonlight on shattered glass caught Twilight's eye as she trotted among the Underlings, and she spared a quick, disinterested glance at the tall, circular building.
The front door was hanging from its hinges, two faded diamonds still barely discernible upon its peeling surface, all of the windows were smashed out, and the tattered red flag hung limp at the top of its spire. At the foot of the building lay a mannequin, the remnants of a decaying dress still strapped to its plastic body.
Rainbow broke formation and trotted beside Twilight. "I wonder what Mistress wants with us."
Twilight kept her eyes straight ahead. "That is none of our concern. If Mistress summons us, then we come. That is all that's important to me."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rainbow nod and fall back into formation.
In truth, Twilight was a little worried by their summons as well. Mistress hadn't summoned them all together in nearly two years, what could have transpired that had caused her to call upon them now?
As they entered the Town Square, the throngs of vamponies surrounding the Town Hall bowed as they backed away and created a path to the door.
One of the Underlings was too slow in its retreat, and with a snarl, Pinkie struck it across the face. With a howl, it was sent soaring through the air for several yards before it smashed into the base of a crumbling statue of a rearing pony.
Pinkie laughed as the broken creature tried to climb back to its hooves. "You've gotta be quicker than that!" Her fangs glistened in the moonlight as she smiled wickedly. "Otherwise, playing with you is no fun."
Aware that Pinkie was about to pounce and bite the injured vampony, Twilight quickly put out a hoof and held her in check. "Mistress is waiting for us. Have you already forgotten?"
Immediately, Pinkie's smile died as she swiftly drew back. "Forgive me, Twilight."
"Don't let it happen again." Twilight turned her gaze to the vampony, knowing that she had saved its worthless life. A bite from an Ascended was poisonous to the Underlings, and would kill them in a matter of hours. "You were lucky this time," she said as it stood up, its wounds already healed. "It won't happen again."
Just before reaching the porch, Twilight's gaze landed on the skeleton lying beside the stairs, and she sneered with contempt.
The pitiful mayor of this town had been too afraid of her true destiny, and had thrown herself off of the third floor balcony rather than ascend to a superior species. Instead of obtaining the strength and immortal life that fate had offered her, she had received nothing more than a broken neck.
Twilight turned away from the wretched remains and climbed the stairs. Walking over the broken remnants of the door, she pushed aside the thick, black curtain that was draped over the doorway and stepped inside.
She had no trouble envisioning this room being used as a meeting place for the town's former inhabitants. It was large and open, with multiple balconies on the second floor, most of which were collapsing, several banners depicting a sun, moon, and even an apple tree hanging in tatters above, and a shredded red carpet spanned the length of the floor.
On the far side of the room, sitting upon the stone throne that Twilight had carried here from Canterlot, was Mistress.
Although Twilight doubted that Mistress was her actual name, it was the only one she had ever given them, and none of them would ever question her about it. Doing so would anger her, and everypony was terrified of angering Mistress.
Her coat was as black as the deepest abyss, her face, which more resembled a bat's than a pony's, was covered in thick brown fur, and her enormous brown wings were easily three times the size of Twilight's own. Her mane and tail had long since disappeared, and her fangs descended to just below her chin.
Mistress's pink, furless ears perked up as the four of them bowed. "I can hear your hearts quickening," she commented in her guttural voice. "Does my summons worry you so?"
"We are just concerned, Mistress," Twilight replied, her head still bowed toward the floor.
A long, thick, black tongue ran down the length of her fang as she grinned at them. "There is no need for concern, my children. Now, rise."
As the four of them stood, Mistress gestured to the black curtain hanging behind her. "I have a special gift for my generals. Think of it as a show of gratitude for your everlasting loyalty."
Rarity cocked an eyebrow. "And what is this...gift?"
"Mortals," Mistress answered.
"All right!" Rainbow exclaimed, but quickly cowered from Twilight's scathing glare.
"Yes," Mistress continued, completely unfazed by Rainbow's sudden interruption. "We have managed to capture four of the living, and they are yours."
Twilight felt her fangs begin to drip with anticipation. The Ascended had long since shed the need to consume blood to live, but they still enjoyed feeding immensely.
How long had it been since she last fed? It had been a couple of years at least. She began to fidget with nervous excitement. She couldn't wait for the taste of mortal blood.
As the four of them started forward, Mistress held up a hoof. "Twilight, I would like a word with you." Mistress turned her gaze to the others, "You may proceed."
Mistress simply sat on her throne and stared at Twilight while the others disappeared behind the black curtain.
After several moments, Twilight grew uneasy. Was Mistress angry at her? Had she done something to offend Mistress? Why was she staring at her like that?
Suddenly, Mistress's wings unfurled, and bracing themselves on the floor, they raised her body high into the air. With three giant steps of her wings, Mistress lowered herself onto her hooves directly in front of Twilight.
Even though Twilight was terrified, she held her ground and obediently waited for Mistress to address her.
Without warning, Mistress wrapped her forelegs around Twilight's neck and drew her close.
Twilight stiffened. She could feel Mistress's breath on her neck. Mistress's bite was as lethal to the Ascended as their bite was to the Underlings. Closing her eyes, Twilight struggled to remain still as she desperately tried to think of anything she may have done to warrant a bite.
"Why are you frightened, Twilight?" Mistress whispered, her long fangs lightly scratching Twilight's shoulder. "Do you not trust me?"
Twilight swallowed hard. "I'm...worried that I may have upset you somehow."
A deep-throated laugh was her response.
"M-Mistress?"
"Always so honest and loyal." Mistress released her and stepped back. "No, Twilight, you have not displeased me."
Twilight sighed with relief as all of the tension left her body.
Mistress gestured toward the curtain that led outside. "Of all the thousands of vamponies in the world, you were the first born. You were by my side since the beginning, and I owe much of what I now have to you and your dedication."
Twilight blinked. This was so unlike Mistress. Why was she telling her this?
"There is a new threat," Mistress continued. "It looms just out of sight. I have seen it in my dreams, but I don't know what shape it may take."
"Could it be Luna?" Twilight asked as her eyes narrowed. "I've heard rumors that her numbers have grown recently."
Mistress shook her head. "No. It isn't anypony that we've faced before." Suddenly, she smiled. "We will talk more on this subject tomorrow. For now, enjoy your feeding, and rest well."
"Of course, Mistress." Twilight bowed.
As she made eye contact with Mistress, her blood red eyes flashed brightly. With a startled cry, Twilight blinked and shook her head until her vision returned, and found that Mistress had vanished from the room.
Twilight remained still, wondering what this new threat could possibly be. Mistress had acted sentimental toward her for the first time since before The Darkening. Could this foe really be so powerful that Mistress's confidence were shaken?
Pushing her worries aside, Twilight crossed the room and stepped through the black curtain. Whatever was coming, Mistress would prevail. Just as she had over every other enemy that they had faced.
It's okay. I read a lot of gory stories.
If this is any indication of the rest of the story, unless you dwell on the gore it should only require the teen tag and gore tag. Now if you were to go into detail about evisceration or gruesome deaths, then I would consider the mature tag.
Also, don't worry about stepping out of your comfort zone. You never know what you might enjoy doing.
Oh, geeze. Any chance you can accept my apology for not getting back to you on the PM? I don't have any excuse, I let myself get sidetracked with other things...
I don't think any of us will hold it against you for delaying your other fics. It seems like your motivation is really pushing for this one and I believe this quote sums it up nicely: "Strike the hammer when the iron is hot."
Again, I apologize for not getting back to your PM or having more detailed thoughts here, but I would like you to know this much, at least:
Though I am usually a bit of a wimp when it comes to the [Dark] tag, this opening makes it feel like it will be one that even I could end up enjoying. I'd also say that it sets up the atmosphere rather well and leaves me very intrigued with wanting to learn the backstory of how events came to be...
2571959
I don't go too far into gore. We all know what happens if someone gets their head cut off or a sword shoved through their chest. I focus on other aspects beside the blood, like the expression on their face as they are stabbed, or how the head rolls away from the body as it crumples to the ground.
2572115
I am tagging it as mature and gore because of the large amount of death that will be involved. And although I wouldn't describe the deaths as gruesome, some are definitely vicious.
As for my comfort zone, I've written stories such as this before. They haven't involved vampires, but I've done war scenes and the like. I've just never done it using ponies, or on this site.
2572146
Don't let it bother you. I figured you were busy with other things, and I don't expect you to drop what you are doing for me.
I wasn't going to say anything about this story until I was finished with the other three, but after having the dream again last night I decided that I just needed to start working on it. I mean, all of the plot twists and backstory came together in less than 2 days. That's incredible, for me anyway, and I can't possible ignore it any longer.
2572236 Heh, when you gave us this little bit. Is it bad that I want them all to die already? Just the way they view life and other things around them, makes me hate them automatically.
2572326
That's kind of what I'm going for, except I'm counting on the love the reader has for these characters to make it tragic. You know how the characters are supposed to be, so seeing them as vamponies, with no memory of who they used to be, is kind of sad...hopefully.
As you'll quickly see, Twilight is different. She just hasn't realized it yet. I think you'll like the direction I take this story, it's gonna be a heck of an adventure.
2572706 If you need an idea bouncer or anything, feel free to PM me.
2572710
I've got this story pretty well figured out, but I'll keep your offer in mind
Can't wait :)
2589574 I can't wait to start working on it
2589663
BD, real talk, I'm seriously impressed with the teaser. It's so... different from what you've written before and everything about it is just so lucid. It's still got that polished charm of your pieces I love though.
2589728
I'm glad you like it. It still needs some work though. If you notice, from the time she wakes up all the way until she looks at the Carousel Boutique, it's all just a long list of actions. No thoughts or emotions come into play until then. I gotta fix that.
I'm happy with it overall, and I love the atmosphere the story has. Words can't even express how excited I am to begin working on this. It's going to be so frickin' awesome!
It sounds interesting