My violent Ex-Wife and Recycling · 2:55am Jun 18th, 2012
Recycling is good for the environment...
I do it everyday, every chance I get....
But I don't do it for the environment...I do it because of my history.
Look.
You don't understand...I recycle because I was in an arranged marriage with an abusive woman.
If I didn't stay with her, her father would refuse to fund my education.
She was a nag and a violent misanthrope who believed man and nature could never live in peace.
She felt used and disposed of.
to her, the marriage was her father's elaborate method of abandonment...he had other, younger, more sane daughters to care for.
And I was in it so I could have a career... a better life...I would profit off her. 
No measure of success on my part made her happy.She detested my happiness. My pleasure caused her pain.
So she took pleasure in my pain.
There was always a trap laid to harm or maim me.
A chair with unscrewed legs.
a frayed wire on a soaked floor.
It was a hazardous living arrangement between her and I.
One day she comes home from the grocer with bread, vegetables and fruit. Among the fruit is a bag of apples.
I like apples. they're an accessible fruit, succulent and balanced between sweet and tart with no tough peels or skin to work through. So of course I pick one up to eat.
I bite into it. It was the best apple I could possibly have chosen. Slightly store-chilled and with just the right layer of water sprayed over it. The juices hit me like an honest kiss welcome in a cold world.
Phoebe hadn't laid any traps for me in a while. I had just become aware of that. I realized I wasn't my usual, cautious self. I hadn't met any real threats in a long time.
Maybe it was over. Maybe we could get along.
I smiled and thought to myself: I was never really good with women. I always wanted to be married though...and have children...live a simple life. She wasn't ugly. If she combed her hair and smiled more often she'd be pretty, even. We were in the perfect situation, being payed to stay together
I remembered--just 4 and a half months ago-- I remembered cracking her dour shell with a joke once.
I said she was the Wile. E Coyote to my Road Runner because she was always trying to get me but never would.
She didn't just smile. She laughed.
LOUD. I remember so vividly because I was so shocked. That laugh gave me hope for some kind of amends
for this bungled co-habitation.
So I was standing there smirking like an idiot when a trail of juice ran down my mouth. I wiped it away like it was nothing, too caught up in foolhardy hope.
I then notice a second trail running down my mouth and wiped it away. I looked at my hand and saw that it was covered in red.
Blood.
I looked on my bite in the apple and saw that the fruity flesh was rouged.
was I poisoned? I reached into my mouth and felt the sting of a fresh cut on my tongue. I looked at the apple and dashed it against the kitchen floor.
I was an idiot...the whole thing...the whole marriage was insane. I was just guy a looking to get by, jumping at the chance to finance a career.
lt was too all too good to be true. I was dealt a nest egg shelled in idiosyncrasy and violence. 
I swore like I never had before and stomped the apple. I stomped and stomped until all that was left was the smear of blood and apple pulp.
I stepped back for a gulp of air. My throat was loaded with a sob, But I grimaced and swallowed it like vomit.
My right shoe felt unbalanced. lifting it up I inspected and saw that a razor blade was lodged in the sole.
I grabbed the kitchen knife and took a look at the other apples. I sliced each and every one to pieces. what was left on the table was a pile of blades and diced fruit.
She knew I'd go for an apple. She'd lain her trap. So subtle was she....
I was panting through my nose. I didn't know what to do. My hands fidgeted around and picked up a safe piece of apple. I tried to eat it but I couldn't taste it. The flavor was iron-like... Couldn't tell if it was from the metal or my bleeding. I spat it out and gripped the knife.
Pheobe had walked, rather quickly back to the bedroom. That's the way I went.
I came to the door and tried to open it. I wasn't going to knock on wood. The scenario was beyond that.
The door was locked.
I kicked. It didn't budge.
There was no way I could give it a clean kick for an easy break in. We lived in a modest flat with two lockable bedrooms and narrow hallways. I didn't have the room for a full swing.
I decided to place my back against the wall, feet against the door and stretched as much I could.
I built and applied pressure to the door.
I could hear it creak and complain, splinter and split.
It finally snapped open with a segment of the frame falling away.
I fell on my butt in the hallway but I was up in a split-second, ready to make her regret-
she had a gun.
I stopped dead in my tracks. in her hands was a pistol. a revolver. 5-shot.
five shots.
kill me five times over.
it would be the perfect murder. An arranged marriage. Husband goes berserk, assaults wife with knife. Wife shoots and kills in self defense.
....
And then I realized
That...
this story had nothing to do with recycling!
I wrote this as part of an inside joke between me and TypewriterError.
I thought it'd be fun to troll you guys with it as well
Yes! You posted it!
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Ha.
180616
I'm so sorry to hear that...
180626 eh I get a good laugh at it thought
180620>>180619
Thatsa me!
MURDER IS FUNNY LOL
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You son of a.....
You got me good. I'm such a gulible guy. BUT I'm darn glad that didn't actually happen. 
180631>>180633>>180643
You had me for a second.
Scaring me to death...
BUT IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, IS IT NOT?
FIMFic was messing up, so I didn't get this until just now. 504 Errors keeping me from reading! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png
SO. MUCH. LAUGHTER. No kidding, I laughed through the whole thing. I knew it was a joke of some kind, so I kept giggling about what the punchline could be.
Hyuck Hyuck. e.e makes me wonder what the inside joke is though
Dang you had me worried for a second there! ....this would be an excellent one shot..
Not a half-bad story, actually. Had some decent tension in there, despite being pretty obvious xD
You bastard you has me going there
Buck! I can't say if I hate you now or have a lot of respect for dragging me so deep into such an amazing story like that, you SUCK! Yet I loved the way you created this......damn...I'm going back to reading more Spike/Rainbow Dash fics damn it!
180715>>180670>>180780>>180904>>180949>>181339
181724 Your welcome, it happens 24/7 with me, of course thats mainly becuase I mouth off to someone...it happens