Main Reviews #5: It's A Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door (spoiler warning) · 5:56am Jun 22nd, 2014
Lookie! It's review time with your old mate, Adren. I know I've not exactly been keeping my promise about reading a story every week, but I haven't exactly made it easy on myself. The vast majority of stories on my list happen to be over 50k words in length; some reach close to or exceed 100k. Between finding time to write five stories of my own (
) and a few life issues, actually being in the frame of mind to settle down and read is quite difficult sometimes.
But enough of that: here I am, my fingers dancing in this 12°C temperature (what even is summer? Apparently most of you are experiencing it), my mind still trying to comprehend the scale of what I just completed a few short hours ago: a tale of old from the pony fanfiction archives, breathed new life in recent times. Three years after its initial online publication, It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door has finally come to rest where it can be thoroughly enjoyed the most.
Author: Jetfire2012 (or just Jetfire as he was known pre-fimfiction.net)
Synopsis:
I suppose it's only natural that "Dangerous Business," as its title is so commonly shortened, should find its way to FIMfiction. This is the premiere destination for MLP fanfics nowadays, and it would seem amiss if a story that so many people have read did not take its place here.
As most of you know by now, this is a story about Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity, going out on a grand adventure into lands beyond Equestria to save the life of Twilight Sparkle. It's about those three ponies growing both separately and together, and it's about exploring just what makes up the world where Friendship Is Magic takes place. It's a story about growth, struggle, and sacrifice. Nopony in it leaves it unchanged.
edit: Updated Synopsis
Plowpony's Day- a day of peaceful rest and relaxation. Or it was, until Twilight Sparkle badly mangled a teleportation spell. It has left her with a bad case of Horn Rot, a disease that if untreated could prove fatal. What's more, the malady is advancing faster than the slow-brewing potion that cures it!
There is one swifter cure: the Beneviolet, a star-shaped flower that grows in the distant Archback Mountains, far beyond the western borders of Equestria. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity choose to undertake the long journey for the sake of their friend. Their path will wind through floes of ice, across gold-tinted plains, into distant forests glimmering with magic. They will learn much about the world beyond their homeland- and much about themselves, as well.
Current length: 146,524 words over 20 chapters, averaging 7,326 words per chapter
Status: Complete
Review: I'm scared, guys. I want to do this review justice. Will you walk with me through this place of wonder?
Okay. Let's begin.
When I logged in back in the middle of April, I naturally went to the front page to see what had graced the feature box. The first sign that there might be something special in there was when I happened to notice that the story in the seventh slot (I usually leave mature off) happened to be the same story that was currently sitting in second place on the new stories list below.
A story with 22 views and... 90 likes??? What the hell???
Naturally, I clicked on it in the feature box. I was greeted with the image of Applejack in dragoon armour, holding a pointed spear, with a rather... interesting description. Unfortunately, it was a description that turned me right off wanting to read it, because it seemed to be blatantly trying to tell me that I should have already read it.
Not a good way to attract new readers, author, I thought, but then I saw the comments:
Oh look what got posted. This sat in moderation for awhile.
I have fond memories of this story.
This was one of the first big fics in this fandom wasn't it? Hard to believe its been so long since it was written. It has a few problems with the world-building if I recall but overall its a pretty solid fic.
Is this...?
Is this truly it?
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh hey, I remember this one. It makes me want to go marathon season one.
Aaaaand you can see where that's going. Page upon page upon page of people lauding praise on top of a freshly posted, complete, 146k word story, with 4x more likes than reads? Huh? The author joined today and already has 30 followers? What? Naturally I asked what the heck it was about, to which about ten other people responded and either told me the gist of it, or simply chastised me for not already knowing. This was a rather new experience for me. How should I—someone who did not enter the fandom until late 2011 and not start reading fanfics until early 2013—possibly know what this supposed classic of the ages was about?
Pretentious story description—which others also called out, including mods—aside, I decided it could be nice to get some history.
Dangerous Business begins with a nice and peaceful picnic between some good friends, with Twilight trying to teach Rarity to teleport. Seems simple enough, right? Unfortunately, Rares cannot get the hang of it, so Twi (or as I should call her, "the lavender unicorn" [more on that in a bit]) rushed home to grab some magical lubricant that supposedly slicks a unicorn's horn and assists with easing travel through the fabric of space-time. Unfortunately...
Boom!
Poor Twilight. Her library-home is partially destroyed, and books and paper are flying everywhere... wait a minute...
Dammit, Jetfire! I had enough of this when I reviewed Antipodes, thank you very much!
Anyway, it soon becomes evident that Twilight has a terrible side-effect of the explosion: she's losing the ability to cast magic.
Oh, and she's gonna die in two weeks as well.
Wait, what?
Ignoring the massive, gaping plot hole that plagues this story and remains in my mind throughout its entire length, I plunged into this story about "the white unicorn," "the sky-blue pegasus," and "the orange earth pony" electing to travel to the far bounds of Equestria and beyond, seeking a flower with ultra-concentrated magical properties to cure Twilight's lethal disease. Even as the journey began, I read in wonder at sheer amount of world-building that went into it. Jetfire creates many, many situations that could quite easily become a lot of peoples' headcanons. The Drackenridge mountain range on the western border of Everfree (which is apparently west of Ponyville as well, but ignore that) holds dangers of its own, and barely into chapter six I found myself praying for the safety of Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack. Now, bear in mind that this is set during (and was written in) season one, just like Antipodes. With oft-conflicting attitudes and their base personas to work with, the constant ensuing bickering and banter between the three mares makes their closer moments seem far more important.
Cross the Drackenridge Mountains after surviving an avalanche, snowstorms and a mysteriously enticing voice deep within a cave, and we find ourselves in the fair, golden country of Gildedale, land of the Daleponies: an expansive, mostly flat land of golden flowers and long grass. The Mane Three pass through this country, amazed at how... empty it is. There's not a house, no sign of any civilisation anywhere at all, save for a single post in the ground warning travelers not to trespass upon the land. Whoops.
Now, we really start getting heavy with the Lord of the Rings references. If by chance you have not happened to have read it before, Gildedale is Rohan, the Daleponies are basically the Rohirrim, or "riders of Rohan" and there are even ponies' names and songs that are based on characters from the story. Take Shield Maiden, for example (an obvious reference to Lady Éowyn), and Ashtail (her brother, Éomer). Turns out that they aren't real fond of visitors, which the Mane Three discover to their peril. Luckily, Ashtail is in just kind enough a mood to escort them back to their home, which the Daleponies are fleeing toward anyway. You see, there's a very "dangerous" threat that roams the Gildedale plains: Komagas. These are like gigantic lizards, referred to in Dalepony tales as having been dragons once, but falling after displeasing a great and powerful god; now they are mindless beasts who attack anything they come across. Supposedly.
Though I still admire the great world-building aspect of this place and its people, I really did feel for a while that I was simply reading a ponified The Two Towers. It seemed to roll around incredibly slow, though enormously descriptive. This feeling actually began to feel like a real immersion-breaker for me; there were definitely points where it did just feel like Two Towers with pony names instead. Applejack was Aragorn, Rarity was Legolas and Rainbow Dash was Gimli when they were surrounded by the Daleponies, in that they pretty much acted exactly as the book depicted them. Ashtail turns out to be the son of royalty (like Éomer), though estranged from his father, Lord Hammer Hoof (aka King Théoden). Their closest outpost is a gigantic wooden stable called Grazezeld (or the golden hall of Meduseld). Finally, the Daleponies seem to be preparing to brace against an incoming attack by the deadly Komagas (who could easily be likened to Wargs or even Uruk-Hai in the sense of the amount of fear they inspire in ponies).
Lots of emotional scenes, personal growth, intriguing dialogue and some brilliant strategising later sees the Mane Three depart with Hammer Hoof's blessing to cross the land. Applejack in particular has benefited from their diversion to Hammer Hoof's domain, earning herself a fancy new magical ability, a slightly less fancy set of armour and even a love interest that she unfortunately must say goodbye to. While I definitely felt a sense of relief from the lifting of the oppressive LotR atmosphere, I found myself really beginning to grow attached to the characters left behind. There's some light hearted moments, before we get out first look back at Ponyville in eight chapters... and things are not terribly good. No, not at all. Twilight's condition has worsened and seems to be growing more malefic with every passing hour. It really brings back the sense of urgency that was a little bit lost in the adventure, despite AJ constantly telling the other two to get a move on.
Now it's time for Rainbow to get special powers. After a truly touching confession of why she has not mastered lightning, the Mane Three encounter a creature similar to an antelope called a Pronghorn. Here is where I obtained possibly the strongest piece of headcanon in my time in the fandom:
“You can do magic?” Dash asked.
“Of course! We have horns, don't we?”
That kinda stunned me for a moment. So now it seems that any horned sapient creature can wield magical power. I'm totally okay with this idea.
So with her hard-fought-for blessing of her friends, Rainbow goes off with the pronghorn called Niles and learns how to channel lightning through her body at will. The chapter that this takes place is possibly the trippiest I've read yet. A few more "possible" plot holes emerge from here, though. At first I wondered, "Well, if Rainbow can now travel at the speed of lightning, why doesn't she just zoom off and find the flower herself and quickly return it to Twilight? Problem solved!" An issue that Applejack brings up herself. This is something else that Jetfire has done immensely well: whenever a potential plot hole arises, it isn't long before he addresses our concerns, using his characters as mouthpieces. As it turns out, it was a good thing that Rainbow didn't just zoom off and grab the flower...
Almost at the end of their journey, the Mane Three arrive on the outskirts of a forest at the base of the mountains they need to ascend. Rainbow and AJ are all about driving straight up the mountains, but for some reason, Rarity insists that they enter the forest. Despite protests from the other two, they acquiesce and accompany her there. Here, we meet some deer.
Magically powerful deer.
Gorgeous, white-tailed deer.
Can you tell that I love deer? They're just such majestic animals.
So they follow the deer into the middle of the Shimmerwood (aka Lothlórien) where they meet an enormous golden doe: the Lady Falalauria (aka Galadriel). Here, Rarity gets her own special gift: the ability to teleport—incidentally, the reason we're in this mess to begin with—like the deer do, by feeling the ground around them and imagining the sensation of standing on her destination.
I just had a revelation: is this how Pinkie Pie manages to travel so fast sometimes? Can she also use the deer method of teleportation?
...I'll just stew over that for a bit. Later.
Falalauria has seen the future. She knows the outcome of what happens, and it terrifies her, though for entirely different reasons to the focus of our story. Let's just say that she goes all "corrupt Galadriel" in front of Rarity and—in no uncertain terms—informs her that she's contemplating on killing them all, based on what happens in the aftermath of their adventure. Yikes.
With all three ponies empowered from their journey, special elven deerish gifts and a healthy supply of lembas bread baal to keep them going, they finally arrive at the mountains where the flower grows.
Here, I could feel the weight of seventeen chapters behind me, egging me on, pushing me to proceed. Everything had led to this single point in time! They were going to get the flower! They were going to save Twilight! They were—
...
—going...to...die...
Oh. ... no, that can't be right. They must triumph! They must complete their mission! It can't end this way! Author, wut r u doin? Stahp!
I don't think I've ever breathed such a sigh of relief in my life as at the end of chapter nineteen. Just... whoa... Now, perhaps I can finally talk about the aspects of this story, rather than just gushing over the plot.
Overall, I have to say that the world-building... the character development... the banter... the way everything is so intricately tied in together...
Um... I'm sorry, I just cannot brain right now. I don't want to just gush and sound like an over-enthusiastic fan, but I'm having such a hard time feeling like I can do anything else. Perhaps I'll just leave off here and insist that everyone ever should read this, if adventure stories are your forte, you will be incredibly hard-pressed to find a more lovingly crafted story.
Perhaps I should talk instead about the rampant things that annoyed the sh
t out of me. That might be easier.
Lavender. Unicorn. Syndrome.
Here, have a table:
Total occurrences of "sky-blue/cyan/rainbow-maned pegasus": 114
Total occurrences of "the lavender unicorn": 29
Total occurrences of "the white unicorn": 84
Total occurrences of "the butter-yellow pegasus": 13
Total occurrences of "the orange (earth) pony": 113
Total occurrences of "the pink (earth) pony": 14
Total other occurrences of descriptions of characters by ways other than their name: 178
This story, single-handedly, is the reason why LUS (or in non-ponified terms, Burly Detective Syndrome) is a frowned upon thing in stories now. Look at that! over 500 instances of it! Holy crap! Jet... mate, really? Is it really so damn hard to just say the characters' names? Sure, it gets a little repetitious, but damn, man... We don't need constant reminders who is what colour, or what their eyes are, or their manes! We freaking know! I pray that you've learned from this in your latest story.
Normally, I would also complain about the pretty high amount of tell instead of show, but... I think I can look past it this time. Jetfire went into such incredible amounts of detail in every scene, that he struck a great balance between telling and showing. For most instances of a blatant tell that dumped exposition on me, a fantastic piece of imagery swam before my eyes not too soon afterward. So while it was a pretty telly story in a lot of places, I can forgive that.
Grammatically, the story was pretty solid. The only real complaint is the persistent hyphen usage in place of dashes. There was also the occasional dialogue tag misuse as well, though its frequency is barely worth noting. What did happen a lot though was a decent amount of bolding and full-caps text for emphasis, when describing yelling or explosions or similar things. Though the story description says Jetfire toned this down a heap more than what used to be there, it still feels out of place and unnecessary when it does occur.
Passive voice, though, really annoys me. When I read, I want to feel like I'm there with the characters, doing things as they are, instead of simply reading about what they have already done. It's the difference between watching sport on TV and being at an event in the stands right there. Unfortunately, the majority of my reading time was spent watching it unfold from afar, instead of being in there with the characters. Too much passive voice. Not enough immersion.
As mentioned previously, the initial slow pacing of the fic and its blatant LotR parallels made it harder for me to appreciate the story for what it is. It's one thing to be inspired by a brilliant piece of literature and have that show in subtle ways throughout your work, but it's a completely different thing to basically re-write a section of the plot with differently named characters. As mentioned before, during the Gildedale arc it felt like I was just reading a rehash of The Two Towers, and no-one should want that.
Finally, the single most irritating thing about the whole damn story: the gaping plot hole. Why did this adventure even need to happen at all? Why could the characters simply have not sent a letter to Celestia as soon as Twilight developed her accidental disease? Celestia could have gone and gotten the flower herself about 10000x faster than AJ, Rarity and Rainbow. She could have gotten the flower, returned to Ponyville Library and fixed Twilight right up all by herself. The adventure would be over before having a chance to begin. Twilight would be fine. Everything would return to normal.
But then we wouldn't have had this grand adventure to embark on...
This is one of those times where I am both incredibly pleased and simultaneously frustrated with the overall story, for exactly the same reason. This has never happened to me before, that I can remember anyway.
What I think I'm taking away from this the most though is the fact that I found myself able to enjoy the story for all of the beautiful little intricacies it has and the way it all flowed together so well. I've also adopted a few headcanons as well.
Oh, I found something else good to say! There were lots of little philosophical speeches strewn throughout the chapter, all spoken by different characters. So many topics were covered, like freedom vs subservience and where the line between them is ideal, whether or not knowing the future means you should reveal what you know to anyone, whether its a good idea to trust strangers or not, and heaps of other small, short, yet hard-hitting conversations. The characters all grew so much and truly transcended who they were on every single level.
I'm going to award this tale a strappingly commendable score of 7/10. The breathtaking story, character growth, world-building and general epic feel to it definitely more than makes up for a lot of its shortcomings... even the thoroughly irritating LUS and the Celestial plot hole. Plus, they kinda left the Shimmerwood in a bit of a dire state, which hasn't been touched on... yet. Looks like I'll have to read that sequel sometime.
So . . . much . . . LUS. . . .
I kind of feel bad that I could only half read your post due to me having not yet finished the story myself. I had given up when I thought you had already finished it! XP
Anyway, it is with a heavy heart that I recommend Sunshine and Fire over the story that I edited, Pandelirium.
Huh. Some one (maybe you) reviewed the fandom classic "Antipodes" and trashed it, leaving me saddened and relieved I don't have to read it. But is sounds like the same can not be said of "Dangerous Business". Welp, there's another one for the read later list--number 1024.
As for Que Sera Sera, I liked it because of the inventive plot and good writing, but the fact that you know right from the beginning what's going to happen kind of kills the mystique a bit. InquisitorM trashed it, but then he loved my (short, you should totally read and review it!
) story "White Space" which Presentperfect just thought was slightly above meh, so it might just be a case of different reviewers liking different stuff.
As for your next story, I would HIGHLY recommend "The Ballad of Echo the Diamond Dog". Great world building. Great exploration of Daring Do (pre-season 4), and the rare (sort of) HiE that doesn't suck. Unfortunately, the sequel only updates about 3 times a year now.
Wow, that was a Long comment to type on my phone.
Last thing: Does the City of Doors pony stories review master list know you do these things?
2226190
I gave Antipodes a 6.5/10. Its story was fantastic, but its depressingly bad grammar and rampant passive voice frequently pulled me out of the immersion. Great story, but not anywhere near as deserving of the ludicrous amount of praise that it receives. People just love it to pieces because it was one of the first—it's as simple as that.
I have never heard of this before, so I'm guessing no, they don't.
2226224 City of Doors Pony Fan Fiction Reviews
2226227
Oh, okay. I just do this for fun, and as a way of trying to provide some kind of feedback for the author. I always post the link to their review in their story comments, so they can check it out. I'm not real interested in becoming part of a review group, or anything—I just don't have the time.
Isn't Jetfire like the J.R.R. Tolkien of the brony fandom (despite him not even coming close to Tolkien's skills).
2226245
He definitely knows how to create a fantastic world, but yes, his writing is immensely slow-paced and over the top showy and telly. It's mostly passive as well, instead of active, which annoys me, but his story still managed to hit most of the right notes with me anyway.
Holy fuck your reviews are in-depth.
I'm so following this review series.
Also, I didn't read Dangerous Business. For me, it's that fic I always tell myself I gotta read, yet I never do. It's my particular little pony shame.
But then again, I'm not reading that many fanfics lately. I guess I can get back at it with a big bang.
Also, read Sunshine and Fire after Que Será. That oughta be interesting.
2226878
This is the way that I make myself read. Working on five stories of my own is incredibly time-consuming, especially combined with the unfortunate fact that a life exists beyond the internet and I must work to eat to stay alive, and stuff. I used to read a good few stories a week, yet it has slowed to a rather slow trickle in the past 9 months or so.
2227089
Eh, in my case it's mostly because I'm back at reading actual books. When I discovered Fimfic for the first time, I almost stoppped reading published works altogether, because I was too attached to the fic fever. After a while, it got old, and I went back to the classics.
I really want to read Dangerous Business, sure, and I'll probably do it this summer, but right now I'm just in the mood to read anything pony-related. Dunno, it comes and goes, I guess.
Plus, yeah, real life. I have free time now, and I'm kind of weirded out because I don't know what to do with it. Also, wow, two stories at the same time? My personal record are two : I
(By the way, replying to your comment on my blog: I actually heard of your reviews today for the first time because Super Trampoline linked them in City of Doors. Turns out Singularity Dream -- the guy that runs that one -- didn't know you either. Super Trampoline is like Cupid or something.)
I do not know if you read incomplete stories, but the sequel does address some of the plot-holes present in "Dangerous Business".