About chapter 16... · 5:04am Jun 12th, 2014
So I posted the latest chapter of my story, “Unwell,” today. I almost immediately had people posting in the comments section that I had made Applejack act out of character, that I rushed the whole scene with her, and that her section could have been handled better overall. And you know what? I took a look at the scene in question, and you guys are totally right. So here is the big question…
What should I do about it? I figure that I have two options: first, delete the chapter, re-write that entire section to be more in character and less rushed, and then repost it. Second, I could go with my original plan and have the next chapter focused on Applejack and her character development, and make only minor changes to the scene as it is.
What I am going to do is have you help me decide. Let me know in the comments sections what your preference is about the two options, or even come up with some third option that I haven’t thought of. (that is, if anybody even reads this…)
The scene could seriously use some restructuring. AJ has always been rash, but a bit of build up would add to it.
And again, I hope we see this Twilight go through the Canterlot Wedding.
"Lets go after the Princess everypony. Twilight's just gone plum crazy again."
You gotta fix that chapter i think. Even if you go with your plan that little scene will be a hiccup.
The best way i can say is that Applejack becomes uncomfortable at first and visibly so but tries to hear her out. When she realizes that Smarty Pants incident was caused because she had a mental relapse, she starts getting hostile and tells twilight to bugger off. Rainbow Dash confronts her angrily, nearly coming to blows, till she notices that there is actual Fear in applejack's eyes.
my biggest issue with that chapter is that her outbreak was FAR too impersonal. this is not neighbors or anything like that, this is two friends who are all but sisters. Applejack being ignorant should be less her being an ass like she barely knows her, and more her getting scared because she does not understand and knows that twilight is capable of hurting others.
besides, disdain might be hurtful, but with twilight if think FEAR would be even worse for her to experience. to see applejack act that way, and see in her eyes that her friend is actually frightened of her...............
2200741 .....okay that would actually be an awesome underlying reason for twilight to be rejected by celestia.
reason why i was saying fear is that this is applejack realizing, or at leat thinking. one of her best friends is actually dangerous to her and her family. be like discovering that your best friend was secretly a werewolf or something. he might not be a kill and eat your flesh werewolf but you are gonna be scared.
2200751 This does make sense. And Applejack sadly does have history of letting fear override her horse sense--see how she was with Zecora, especially for Applebloom's sake. Some folks even wondered about her talking about 'zebra sense' when Zecora came by when Applebloom had the Cutie Pox (although since she's had to deal with Pinkie Sense ... ). And let's be honest, there's a reason the emergency plan for Twilight is 'call the sun goddess'. Applejack's seen enough of what Twilight can do with her magic (teleport at will, levitate six ponies including herself, dispel some of Discord's magic!) that she'd have reason to worry.
Hmmm. Maybe you should set up a chapter from Applejack's point of view, either this one or the next one. Especially how she might have felt the few times Twilight's grabbed her. Rainbow would have a few bits to add too. (Where are we relative to season 2's episodes, again?)
Gonna be honest, I have the chapter sitting open in a tab scrolled to the exact point where Applejack opens her mouth, because that's as far as I got before I decided I wasn't quite as excited to read the new chapter after all
Even so, it's a hard question to answer. Changing a chapter after it's been posted is no small thing. In the end, I can only say to do whatever you think is best for the story. It's a sad thing, but in writing as well as art, something can even be the best thing ever, but if it doesn't fit the rest of the piece, it has to go. I can't tell you if that's the case here—not the least because I haven't read the whole thing—so my only suggestion is that you make the decision that you're less likely to regret.
Hm. Well, you might be able to fix this with the second option, but I still seriously think that the only way the scene as it is would make sense is if you added a plot line about Applejack also being mentally ill. I'd say rewrite the scene, sorry. It's not the content I object to (as a matter of storytelling, rather than as an in-universe event); I can see Applejack being worried about this, the Smarty Pants incident, etc. But good grief, that mood swing she went through... I know that I keep saying this, but in that conversation, Twilight isn't the one I'd be worried about being dangerously unstable.
Also, please don't forget that, in this particular group of friends, such a falling out is potentially a Bad Thing. As soon as the Princesses find out about this, I'd expect some of the more covert elements of the government to be scrambled for emergency meetings on how to handle this potential crisis. A lot of stories that have the Mane 6 face this kind of internal discord seem to forget that their friendship is a matter of national security at the least.
I do applaud you for being willing to address and correct your mistakes, though.
Only option for that to work is a side story with of Apple Bloom was traumatised by Twilight crasy period. But seriously, AppleJack goes way to quickly. "Hello one of my best friend! How are you in this beautiful day? You have a mental ilness!? Get the hell out of here!" I understand her position but to quick. Unless that, good job man.
Well as I pointed out before, there's definitely a way that it could have worked without having to restructure the rest of the story (I say this rather ignorantly as I have no idea if you're planning on throwing some sort of curve ball that makes that exact execution the most meaningful thing in the story so far, I'm just basing it off of general experience with the "one friend doesn't take x news as expected" trope). The idea itself is fine, it helps make the story interesting, and you do have some fairly good points which, if you ignore AJ's OOCness in the execution of it, DO actually make sense from her perspective.
That said, I say what's done is done, and I suggest you continue on with the story (I may or may not be saying this for more selfish reasons :P), and perhaps look into it when all's said and done.
Good luck with this, whatever you decide.
I honestly thought the way that you wrote it was fine. I read it and reread it and can see that there needs some build up, but honestly, I can actually see Applejack having that reaction. However, I feel a chapter from Applejack's perspective, if done correctly, could help to get your fan base back on your side
I think you may need to re-write this entire chapter. Personally I feel that it was rushed from the moment we entered Fluttershy's house. I think just making these scenes longer is the easiest solution.
Hum , a rewrite would be best here I believe. As it stand , even if the outburst is explained later , people would still go "wait what ?! " and it would hurt the flow , and their enjoyment , of the story.
Stitchwolf had a good idea in the comment I believe about restructuring this scene to make it more believiable.
I think you could keep the chapter as it is and just rewrite the dialogue with Applejack. It definitly needs to be paced out longer. When Applejack says "you mean you’re some kind of loony?" It could be better along the lines of "A mental illness? But twilight you ain't loony like that". I think it would open up the dialogue to be a little less ooc but still making Applejack seem ignorant. This could then flow to twilight explaining the symptoms and the smartie pants incident. Overall just tone down Applejack a bit and it will be much more believable.
She could still make biting comments because she's upset over the Smarty Pants thing. Just focus on that and get being angry Twilight never warned them. The scene could more or less end the same way, just with her being less of an ass.
While I would in fact say that Applejack acted out of character, I would also argue that what you've done has opened a huge opportunity. While you were obviously originally going to try for some form of reconciling with the two of them eventually, I believe that any lesser reaction on Applejack's part would make the later event mean much less. This flat out rejection carries huge emotional weight for both Twilight and Applejack. The scene required to fix the problem between the two of them, if written well, could be phenomenal.
Now, all of this said, I still believe the initial conversation should be rewritten. Make it more drawn-out, have Rainbow attempt further defense on Twilight's behalf, or even have Twilight herself attempt rebuttal. While I agree that she would eventually panic if things didn't go her way, I think she'd have the wherewithal to try to fix things before it got out of hand.
Give her some extra time to defend herself. Let Applejack be more precise with her concerns, even if it means having her outright reject what Rainbow and Twilight say in her defense. It will allow the reader more thought on the subject, and make it seem more real. As it stands, the current conversation you have between them is much too short, too concise. There isn't enough there to convince me of Applejack's position.
Try to think of it as a debate, where you're providing both arguments. Go over both sides, and attempt to have it reach a crescendo, that being the point at which Twilight teleports away in fear or shame, or what have you.
Hope this helped.
Personally, I think you should at least expand on Applejack's reaction. It was very sudden, but don't change it. I feel like if all of her friends accepted her right away, then this would be sort of a cliche story. It's more realistic to have one of her friends scared of Twilight afterwards.
I'd agree with most people here. The bulk of the chapter is okay, but the Applejack conversation really should be rewritten. Expand on it, build it up more slowly, get rid of the 'loony' comment, or at least have it only said to Rainbow after Twilight leaves, and all would be good.
Also, I love the idea of the ACMS explaining everyones behaviour at the Royal Wedding. That's bloody brilliant, and you really should use it!
i think applejack would still ultimately say the same thing, but she'd try to be 'subtle' about it. keep in mind that she has a history of being thick headed and illogical when she's angry, or when she thinks her family is threatened.
I feel like Stitchwolf's comment on the chapter's page proposed a very good resolution. Personally, I'd like to see the change, but you're the author. You've given us a great story so far, and I'm excited to find out what comes next, regardless of the direction you take.
I think it would be better to change the scene; not only it's too abrupt, but you may have raised the stakes too much.
Either Twilight seriously traumatized Applebloom during her latest relapse or Applejack has become a paranoid bigot. Either way, this is stuff that breaks friendships, and in a way that's hard to fix without making the story feel contrived.