Main Reviews #4: Antipodes (spoiler warning) · 6:39pm Jun 8th, 2014
First of all, I would like to beg forgiveness from you guys in relation to this review's absurd tardiness. I have had a lot going on in the past three weeks, not only with trying to write five(!) stories simultaneously but also finishing off other commitments (like finally getting around to finishing off edits for Trixie vs Equestria at long last) and some stupid real life stuff. Eh, can't be helped I suppose.
For now, though, it is time to share the magnificent journey I just took through FimFiction's grand, glorious first days. In fact, the story itself has existed longer than fimfiction.net itself.
Come into this gorgeous, post-apocalyptic world, for a tale like no other... Antipodes.
Author: PK
Synopsis:
Set in the far future after Celestia and Luna mysteriously vanished and the sun and moon froze in the sky, Antipodes is the story of two ponies thrust out into the harsh new world on an adventure to uncover what happened to the world so long ago.
Current length: 122,115 words over 33 chapters, averaging 3,700 words per chapter
Status: Complete
Review: We begin our journey following the hoofsteps of Jigsaw the engineer, a mechanically minded and gifted unicorn, and his apprentice, Tiptoe, a silent-hoofed pegasus with a natural aptitude for sneaking around. The two of them set off on a routine morning to run some routine maintenance on the underground pumping system that keeps their routine civilisation alive. What they do not expect is to be attacked by a sea serpent very similar in description to a Gyarados from Pokémon (if its attitude and attack reminiscent of Hyper Beam is anything to go by) and for the main controls to shatter. Thousands of litres of water begin to pour into the chamber with each passing minute as a result. Jigsaw is knocked unconscious and Tiptoe must not only save his life but also risk her own to save herself as well. The two are cut off from their home by a cave-in, Jigsaw only just clinging to life.
This all happens within the first two chapters, for the record. Barely more than 2600 words in.
It is in the next couple of chapters that we get to see the first signs of what sort of characters these two are. Jigsaw is amazingly gifted when it comes to analysing the internal structure, wiring, gears and inner workings of what makes something work. He's also a very snarky stallion, though it masks the deeper side that we don't know about yet. Tiptoe is... well, she feels pretty useless, despite having saved Jigsaw's life earlier. Can't really blame her for that, though, when you consider that the pegasi have lived underground for so long; what use are their wings to anyone?
Nevertheless, Jigsaw's skill set is put into play and they eventually try to find their way back home... somehow. What they did not expect was to come across a doorway that had been sealed to block the harsh light of the sun from burning everything to a cinder. A doorway they'd never sought to open, and had been taught to fear. Of course, with no alternative other than starve, Jigsaw uses him magic to pry it open. With it, light from the outside enters the cavern, which they rather hesitantly step out into. In doing so, they are the first ponies in their civilisation to set hoof beyond the caverns in a long time.
Ten thousand years, to be precise. For ten thousand years, the sun and the moon have been frozen in the sky, together, at opposite ends of the world.
Whoa.
I would just like to insert Mind=Blown aspect #1 here; this tale described the simultaneous positioning of both sun and moon in the sky, casting light and dark on other ends of the world at the same time. Note that this story was written about 2 1/2 years before Princess Twilight Sparkle aired.
Some rudimentary exploration later (during which time Tiptoe finally gets to stretch her wings properly for the first time ever), the pair happen upon a castle on a mountainside. Here, they meet a colossal purple dragon who traps them within swirling green flames. The dragon (named Tantalus) offers to help the pair help their home if they can perform but a single task for him: help him slay a pony who has held absolute rule over a city for as long as the celestial orbs have remained stationary.
Welp, looks like we're off to Stalliongrad! Through an unusual teleportation spell unearthed and accidentally activated in some ruins beyond the castle, Jigsaw and Tiptoe find themselves in this massive, shielded city.
Insert Mind=Blown aspect #2 here: The city is completely encased within a perpetual, magical energy shield. Note that this story was written a year before A Canterlot Wedding aired.
Being the two clueless ponies that they are, Jigsaw and Tiptoe quickly find themselves captured and taken hostage by the agents of the madpony himself. It is during their "tour" that Jigsaw discovers a powerful sphere of energy contained in the pony's tower. A fragment of Celestia. Yes, the princesses have been reduced to pieces of their former selves and this one is being used to power the city.
Insert Mind=Blown aspect #3 here: The evil scarlet unicorn, Rubidium, has remained alive for ten thousand years by way of literally draining the magical life force from other ponies under his rule. Bear in mind that this story was written 3 years before Twilight's Kingdom aired:
...Okay, enough of the mind-blowing already. PK, stahp, plz!
When the captive fragment of Celestia is recovered, by way of inserting itself inside Jigsaw's horn, the pair are forced to flee the city as it falls under attack by the dragon Tantalus. Aided by various members of the resistance against Rubidium's tyrannical regime, Jigsaw and Tiptoe manage to escape the city. They are later joined by one of the unicorns in the resistance group after the city is all but destroyed. This character, Incendia, is a unicorn mare gifted with the ability to control and summon fire at will. She can even self-immolate and is virtually fireproof herself.
Okay, this review is gonna drag on if I describe everything, so I'll give a general rundown of events here:
•They wander around in the icy wastes of the moon's colder side of the world
•Incendia rejoins them
•Days pass, during which they stumble upon another old castle (Canterlot) and find another fragment, also they mess Tantalus around a bit
•They find another town, get closer to one another, awkward situations and another fragment is found and absorbed. Also, they liberate an ancient lunar battleship, use it to destroy a small army and make it fly again
•Return to the caves and see how their brethren fared after the water was cut off. Not well, in the end—about 3/4 of their old civilisation is dead. Another fragment is recovered after a rematch with Tantalus-possessed Gyarados
•Fly to the Everfree forest, obtain another fragment, Luna is completed
•Fly to Ponyville, recover final fragment, Celestia completed, Tantalus attacks, he is defeated... Jigsaw sacrifices himself to make sure Tantalus stays dead this time.
The story overall is one of the greatest adventures I have ever been on. PK's world-building and character creation, for their time, were simply on a stellar level of skill and well thought-out plans. Everyone was distinct and amazing, the romance was naturally developed over time and never felt forced, and the personal character growth of each pony is simply remarkable to witness. The world creation is one of the most upper-tier examples from this fandom that I've read yet; you really get a feel for the exact images that enter your mind when the descriptions flow in. PK spares no arbitrary detail in his universe, yet it never really feels like all filler.
While I will commend the f
k out of this story, its brilliant premise and immensely satisfying overall read, it still has many flaws.
Many.
While it is clear that PK slowly evolved into a better writer as time went on and he continued to write, the sheer magnitude of simple grammatical errors, misspellings and inconsistent pacing really make it more of a struggle to read than it should be. While the overall grammar improves with each new chapter, there are a great many mechanical errors in this story that are constantly recurring. The story is infested with the likes of passive voice, tell instead of show, terrible paragraph formatting and clunky pacing. Quite a lot of the time I found myself wondering why I'd read three chapters of basically not much, then had a major conflict introduced in the next chapter that was also defeated in the same chapter.
There is a lot of work to do to this story if it is ever going to be as close to perfect as possible. Then again, that is assuming that PK could ever be bothered editing Antipodes at all, after over three years of fame. Antipodes is one of those stories that just happened to be one of the first major adventure stories in the fandom. As a result, people have been talking about it, making audio and pictures for it, performed live readings for it... in short, this doesn't really need fixing, since it's been more well known than almost any other mlp fanfic in existence.
I'm not going to lie—I felt almost every emotion possible from reading this one. There was wonder at the way Tiptoe relished in finally being able to fly for the first time, relishing the arm sunlight on her back. There was genuine fear when Rubidium was revealed to have been leeching off other ponies' life force for ten thousand years to remain alive. There was outrage when Tantalus appeared to kill Tiptoe, which was described in pretty graphic detail and actually made me cringe. I felt a pang in my heart for the lonely Incendia as she helplessly watched the romance of her two friends develop while she also had her own crush on Tiptoe conflicting within her. I felt genuine mistrust of the Cult of Luna in the town of Totemhoof, only to actually be relieved when my suspicions were proven wrong. The scene back in the caverns where Jigsaw and Tiptoe see the mass grave of hundreds of rotting pony bodies and they are blamed for it was particularly heavy for me. The moment when Luna was completely reassembled, I actually physically said "yay" to myself and almost hit my laptop screen with errant joy.
This could be an absolutely flawless, shining diamond, were it not for the plethora of mistakes and the mediocre setout. If it ever wants to attain perfection, it really needs a complete overhaul and a swarm of editors. The telly language and rampant passive voice made it really hard for me to continue sometimes. Despite the erratically timed action scenes, it really made for a disconnected feel when I read. Active voice is the way to go in writing; you make the reader feel like they're in the action, experiencing it, rather than reading about what has already happened (the side-effect of passive voice).
For a brilliant storyline that I would love to see in a book or movie format, but unfortunately plagued by pretty average grammar and poor overall mechanics, I will give Antipodes a 6.5/10. This could shine so much brighter than it already has in three years of achieving legendary status, if it would be granted a total rewrite and grammar edit to correct the literally hundreds of mistakes and the not-quite-solid execution.
Thanks so much for the review!
I definitely agree that my pacing and voice and stuff was... not super good. Like really at all. Antipodes was literally the first thing I ever wrote, and it was when I was 17, so... not super good, technically. I really want to go back through, comb it over, and rewrite the bad bits- and like you said, get a swarm of editors, but it's so much work for a story that I feel has kind of played its part. For right now, I'm trying to pour my efforts into new things that might actually be publishable some day. (and try desperately to push down my guilt over updating Lodestone so slowly)
But seriously, I really appreciate the review, and I'm glad to see you could enjoy the story, technical issues aside.
Que Sera, Sera.
I guess I should also mention that I did actually read your review. XP Just in case you thought I just stopped by to comment and run.
You helped me write this!
- MLP: FiM
- Adventure
- Random
Join Jigsaw, Tiptoe, and Incendia as they set out to rid their broken world of podiatrists and restore harmony to Equestria! A parody of Antipodes by PK5193348
I've seen some necroposts in my day, but this... this brings a smile to my face. What a world!