Not Dead · 9:16am Feb 17th, 2014
It would seem I owe you all an apology for my lack of communication, though if this post and the title are any indication, I am still quite alive, at least in the physical sense. For those readers merely interested in knowing when the next chapter of some story is going to be posted, here's the long and short of it: there may not be one. Dearly do I wish that this wasn't the case, as I know that I've quite a number of loyal fans that are patient and ever eager to read the chapters that I've poured my heart into, but sadly, the reality is that I may not be able to finish "Blizzards," or any other stories on my agenda. Now that I've thoroughly disheartened you all, allow me to explain why.
Being an extremely stubborn individual, I've wrestled with burnout for the better part of a year. Snatch me away from the keyboard, and my mind will be overflowing with fantastical ideas, but the moment I take my seat, all I see are words that don't come together as well as I'd like, paragraphs that don't carry the weight that I'd like to convey: in short, I see failure. In my efforts to push myself to turn out writing that is the best that it can possibly be, I've found myself unsatisfied with anything that I put to page. In the midst of all this, I began working on what I hoped would be the story to reignite my passion for the written words, that being "Blizzards," the retelling of the story from which the rest of my works have stemmed. My confidence of the soundness of my writing was further called into question when, upon release, that story garnered even more dislikes in the course of a day than my other stories had in their entire existence, excluding "Tears." While I can recognize from a factual standpoint that many of those dislikes were simply blind hate for being in the feature box, the multiple counts of people describing me as "pretentious," claiming that I was trying to sound smarter than I was... it was too much. With depression already an every day state of existence and yet another person trying to tell me that my adoration with diverse vocabulary made me sound like a prick, I stopped trying.
In the months that followed, my downward spiral only continued. Though outwardly I was too apathetic to care, inwardly I was growing frightened of the changes I was beginning to see. I know that I can sound dramatic, but the honest truth is that I reached a point where I was lying on my bed thinking, "What's the point of continuing to live?" It had been quite a long time since I had felt so worthless. Writing, the one thing that had given me something to be proud of, filled me with anxiety and dread every time I tried to return. Without that to hold onto, all I could see was an absolutely boring individual without any kind of social network (locally), no degree, a dead end job, and more emotional baggage than I'd like to admit. I began to notice my temper growing shorter as the moments of joy grew fewer and far between, and in an attempt to keep from damaging those around me, I withdrew - both from you all, my readers, and from those around me.
If this weren't enough, I ended up losing one of my two jobs because I was no longer able to function as necessary within the environment, and more recently, one of the few people that I really deeply respected passed away without warning. One of the small stores in the chain that I work for shut down, and thus my hours were cut due to the influx of new workers, one of which happens to be a manager above me that refuses to acknowledge my existence unless it's absolutely necessary (I'm not exaggerating, he will talk with just about anyone else but intentionally exclude me from conversation). To top it all off, my health during this time wasn't exactly stellar.
It would be simple for me to ramble, but I think I've given enough of my sob story for you all to understand why writing hasn't exactly been at the forefront of my mind, or at least pertaining to my fan fiction. There are, in fact, many ideas stewing within my head for novels outside the mlp universe, but I haven't even made it a thousand words in, despite several hours of effort. I just... can't shake the feeling that what I write isn't worth reading. For those of you who watched the most recent episode, I pose for you a thought. Imagine, if you will, several ponies cornering Fluttershy after her first performance for a pony audience only to have them tell her how awful she was, how many mistakes she made, and how much she needs to improve before she could possibly hope to be worth seeing? Even if everything they said was blatantly false, statements meant only to harm, how do you think she'd respond? Any confidence she might have once had would be shattered, and even her friends would have trouble piecing it back together. That would be an adequate way to describe my current condition, except that... I don't really have many friends out here, and none that are concerned enough to help me work through the things that weigh me down. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm in the cowering stage of things, wishing that I were somepony else.
Or... well, I suppose that's not one hundred percent accurate. I've recovered for the most part from my depression, and in fact have been more emotionally stable the last month or so than I have for a while. That's due in part to someone that I really look up to pulling me aside and spending about half an hour telling me how I need to take more pride in what an awesome person I am and that I need to have more balls like Rainbow Dash (I believe his words were "I wouldn't be surprised if she came out one day and just had the biggest balls ever." I lol'd), and also due in part that I've taken up a new hobby to fill the void while I work up the mojo to try writing again. I know I shared some of my "art" with you in the past, but for my birthday, a friend bought me an art tablet. I had doodled on my ipad before, and the stuff I turned out wasn't "bad" per se, but I wouldn't say it was good, either. In the last two months or so that I've been drawing with fairly high consistency, I've seen my art improve in leaps in bounds. Yes, it still takes me nearly two hours to draw pony butt. Yes, I've spent hours on linework that would take other artists mere minutes to complete. More importantly, however, I'm experiencing this little thing called "fun," which is more than welcome to stick around, and I really am proud of the rate at which I'm improving, and the overall product. It's... cathartic.
I know that this may not interest most of you... I mean, I can't expect it to. This is a site dedicated to the written word, not some amateur's attempts at art. It may, however, be of interest to some of you to know that I am currently working towards creating an ask blog featuring two new OC's and an AU version of Dawn Starshine. Her backstory would be completely different, and her design may be tweaked to accommodate, but I would still do my best to keep her and adorable bundle of intelligent sass. She'd also be, like... 14ish? Haven't nailed down her exact age, and in fact, haven't drawn her as a teenager quite yet. For those that are interested, I'll likely make another post when I've converted my current ask blog (which went nowhere... hard to run an ask blog when nopony sends asks) into the new one. And, a bit of shameless self promotion here, if anyone would like to take a gander at my current ask blog (in which I just basically killed off my OC because I was bored of him and everyone else seemed to be, too), you can find it here. Just a bit of forewarning, though: my current art is much better than what's currently on my tumblr. I'd share some, but fimfiction doesn't allow direct upload for blog posts like this, only urls, and my WiPs haven't been posted online.
I feel I must apologize again for taking so long to make this post. I would have done it sooner, but for a while, even thinking about logging into the site brought with it feelings of unease and anxiety, and given everything that was going on, I didn't need any help in those areas. I really wish that I could have returned bearing gladder tidings, but alas... life doesn't always permit me to do as I'd like. Thank you all for reading, and I sincerely hope that my next post isn't quite as much of a downer.
EDIT: There's no need to go sifting through comments trying to find the people that said things that may have got me down, in case it occurred to any of you to do so. They are allowed their opinions, and I won't advocate any kind of retaliation.
It is nice to hear that you are doing okay. What is important is that you enjoy and find fun in our world.
Art is cool as well. Will you be uploading your art on dA? I believe I've watched you there.
I'm sorry that you had so much hardship to slog through and that people in general were not helping at all. I am glad to hear that your situation is starting to improve though, I greatly enjoy your writing and hope that you will continue.
Here's to you, may your life continually improve and may your smile grow ever brighter.
To your personal issues, I'm honestly not sure what I could say there, as I don't know you.
Now, as to your written word... you have always impressed me with your extinsive vocabulary. Yes, I had to occasionally Google words I didn't know, but that is a good thing. It doesn't make you pretentious for using them, nor do your stories.
I, for one, would rather wait for you to write for yourself instead of us, as I would be happy with anything you turn out.
Want to see someone who can't write? Take a look at my ramblings. Then you'll see how good your writing is, no matter what others say.
I'm sorry to hear people have been giving you such a hard time. It truly is a shame... and I can relate to what you've been going through.
I'm glad to hear you've found something to make creative works fun for you again, though. While FIMFiction may not be an art site (well, at least in the drawing sense), there certainly are a number of us on here who can appreciate good art. Especially storied Ask blogs! If you decide to start that ask blog, be sure to let us know, alright? You're a great storyteller, and I'd love to see what you come up with!
Also on that note, while my words may not make up for the hardship you've been given over your stories here, I'd just like to say that you are one of the writers here who have inspired me to pick up my pen and try writing fanfiction again after suffering similar hardships of my own a long time ago. Even right now, I'm working on finishing building the world for a story I'm predicting will end up over 100k words. And I hope that one day, once I get to the point where my readers will get as excited as I do when I see an update to one of your stories in my Favorites feed!
Anyway, whatever you ultimately decide to do, I wish you the best! I hope you'll still stay in touch with us here, because I'm interested in seeing these new undertakings of yours!
Dang, I am so sorry to hear that it had been so rough for you. If you need to step away temporarily or permanently for the sake of your health and livelihood, don't hesitate on our accounts. Do what you gotta do, man.
So sorry to hear that man. If you ever need to talk about stuff then just come to us. We're all here for you and I know that crushing feeling, hell I'm pretty sure we all do.
I've had my bouts with depression and feelings of worthlessness and it sure isn't easy. You got some strength to go through it all even when there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, and you can use that.
If you want any advice from a nameless guy on the internet, I'd advise you to find a constructive frame of mind to view all your hardship from. Perhaps to see them as obstacles instead of tortures, closed doors instead of brick walls.
And don't think for a moment that your writing is worthless, even the worst chicken scratch that a five year-old scribbles can become a Lord of the Flies or a The Lord of the Rings one day, and your stuff is far, far away from a five-year old's chicken scratch.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and at least 937 people are beholdin' your work as beauty.
Carry On
Two words:
Life. Sucks.
The most we can ever do is pick our lazy asses back up and keep running the fucking path until the end. If this place is getting to close to where your life is then leave for as long as you need. Don't even touch the Internet for the time consuming websites. Look for a job, get your social life on hand. When this is done then you can come back. Problems like this (although that's really shitty and low for any fuck-tard manager with even two brain cells.) are bound to happen. You just need to get your life straight and your ACTUAL social life, no Internet, together again.
I have already sifted through shit like this too damn much to give up myself. Hate will happen anywhere, especially from dimwits who can't write worth shit.
I guess that's not much help but it's a start for ya. Just do what you need brother. You aren't hurting anyone by taking a break. I'm sure that half the people that hate blizzards don't even read the story and just guess it's going to be another shitty OCXMane Six pairing. You just got to ignore it.
I know of a story on one of the sites I get on with one up its and 2391 downs. That guy still continues the story. It's just a another adventure novel, but when it comes down to it I'm the only person to give it a like. In short you have those that will wait until you decide to leave and continue to read your stuff if not just remember it.
Sincerely,
The Notebook
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While it may sound somewhat hollow from a faceless voice on the Web I do wish you the best of luck. As others have stated, life is hard but pushing through means what happiness you find will be that much sweeter. It saddens me to hear things have been so difficult fer you and I hope that you can find that thing that makes you happy, whatever it may be. As fer the vocabulary thing, there just jealous that you know words they don't know or possibly understand. I hope that you might come back and finish your stories but if you don't I understand. Best of wishes to you on your quest for a smile.
I don't understand really what you're going through since I'm not you, but I'll be praying for you.
But something else is that even though you may have to live through this life, you don't have to bear the shame that comes with it. Jesus did not just die for the sin that you committed, but also for the shame that comes from sin committed against you.
I know that can sound trite because it doesn't offer any specific solution to whatever problems you may have, but it is true.
Now, I'm not very eloquent when it comes to writing advice for heavy subjects in comments - my personal judgment is that I really shouldn't try. So instead, I'd like to show you to a sermon called Disgrace and Grace, preached by Pastor Mark Driscoll. As a warning, this sermon talks about sexual assault, so it might squeeze a trigger for you. However, consider this summary of the sermon:
Mark's own wife was a victim of this, and he goes about this subject very gracefully. Don't be mislead by the name of the sermon series "Real Marriage" either, as everything in it (that I have heard so far) is useful for both married and single people, as this can be applied to all sin that is committed against you.
But beyond telling you about all that, I don't believe I can help you beyond telling you that Jesus knows your suffering, identifies with you and wants to know all about you - not just the parts that you have together.
You are exactly like my roommate in every way possible. Only difference is he struggles with art and I've been trying to get him to write to help him. I know how it is being you, trust me, I might as well be living with you. Just keep that friend close and don't ever stop. Cheesy or not I've always like this saying, Keep Calm and Pony On.
Glad to hear your alive. Not so glad to hear about your depression. I hate that people tend to be so cruel. But you gotta shake the haters off man! Your a damn good writer one that I would quickly support if you were to ever get these stories into a paperback form. I hope (though just a bit of selfishness) that you do continue writing as I've read your first four of the story and am currently deeply imbedded into the "Cutie Mark Catastrophe" as my hope to read Rarity find her special somepony are really clawing at my soul! You don't know how deep I've been dragged in man >_< but I digress. I pray things go well with your art as this may be the outlet you need to be able to get your head on straight. Best of wishes! And good luck!
I know this may not count for much, but as someone who is suffering depression (Psychotic depression mainly i believe) it may seem like there is no point but there is, you having fun with art is an excellent way of helping fight it, and you friends will help you all the way, the closest thing to a 'friend' i have in person is more of an acquaintance, but thats besides the point, the point is that there is always hope, and if you ever need someone to talk to to help you up or just to talk to, anyone of us will talk, i dont know how much help ill be but still we will be there. Best of luck to you.
I hope you get better. While I cannot say that I have ever been depressed (hay, I often call myself a "self antidepressant") I have been blessed with the gift of empathy. I am, as a matter of fact, more in tune with the feelings of others than I am my own. The only times I ever really feel much to any emotion is when it is due to empathy via hearing a story or reading a book. I sometimes worry about my sanity, as I will increasingly often slip into insane fits that are addicting, repulsive, fun, scary, happy, observant, boring, cause pinkie like qualities including but not limited to doing things that I don't understand, and overall completely random. If you feel a need to write, write! That's when I feel my emotions strongest. If you need to draw, draw! Whether it's singing, drawing, writing, heck, even if it's wrestling, know that there is support. I know that I am not the only person out there that works much the same as me. In fact, there are more than likely more people than you would think around you like me. And share a smile with someone, a laugh, talk to someone and help them with their problems, find something that makes you happy. Find that something and hold on to it, because if it TRULY makes you happy, then it is something to never let go of. And trust me when I say helping somebody ultimately helps you. Know that you are not useless and never will be, no matter where life takes you. Every decision you make will affect someone, for Better or for worse. In the end though, you need to be happy. I hope I was able to help you in some way, and know that writing this has changed me too, for the better, because I was given the opportunity to write it. You have already changed lives, and possibly saved my friends by extension, because he is depressed and decimate lay tinkering on the edges of suicidal, and I know how to help him now. Thank you.
-Dragonofshame
I read Cutie Mark Catastrophes in two days. I stayed up for more than 24 hours just to finish the chapter I was on, which was 17 and I left a rather humorous picture in the comments, and I crashed before I could continue.
It has literally been years, three years, give or take a few months, to be more precise, since I found anything worth staying up for reading. The last time was when I received the entire Apprentice Adept series from my father and grandparents on Christmas. There are seven books in that series, and they're not exactly light reading either. I finished them in a month because I was so enraptured by their story. I spent that month with my nose buried in all seven books. I forgot to do many important things, like eat, sleep, and pay attention in class.
But your series has renewed my sense of literary wonder. Something that no published book has done in years. So don't you dare say what you write isn't worth reading. I am foolishly choosing to stay awake despite being sick, a time when I really need sleep, to start from the beginning.
I can only hope the words I have put here can give you even a modicum of hope that not everyone on here is a douche.
Anyway, I do hope you enjoy the rambling of a madman in the wee hours of the morning.