The Asylum 20,000 View Spectacular Stage Show – Redux! · 12:16am Oct 18th, 2013
Re-posted due to the changes to the blog system, with new content! Be warned, there is swearing.
The Asylum 20,000 View Spectacular Stage Show!
[A large brown-haired stallion with a scruffy goatee approaches the microphone placed in the center of the stage, a large banner above him proclaiming this to be 'The Asylum 20,000 View Spectacular Stage Show!'. He coughs and adjusts his bow-tie, looking decidedly uncomfortable in his rented tuxedo. After double-checking to make sure he has his cards in his pocket he breaks into a broad grin.]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Derek, although you might know me as Daemon of Decay. I'd like to thank you all for coming to this monumental celebration. And it is a celebration, for that day has finally arrived. That most special of days. The day of days. That's right: Asylum has hit 20,000 views!
[Derek waits for the applause to die down]
Yes, Asylum has reached heights of viewership that I could once only dream about, back when I began writing at the beginning of the year. I know you have all read Asylum yourself and have basked in its greatness, but not everyone here is too familiar with the backstory, the creation myth, of the greatest work of fan-fiction ever crafted. So, on this most momentous of occasions, I thought it fitting that I spend a little time looking back on the past few months of hard work and dedication to my craft that has really made a name for myself in the relatively unexplored "main character wake up and told they be crazy" genre of fiction.
[Clears his throat]
Well, it would have been fitting, but unfortunately I didn't have the time nor inclination towards putting together a proper multimedia presentation on the many and varied works of art that have inspired me to write. I have enough trouble keeping to some kind of a schedule with one damn story without throwing in Powerpoint presentations and goddamn... [blushes and coughs] Ah. Hehe. Ahem. Anyway, what I have done is try to bring to you something much better, in my opinion. Like I normally do, I decided to pawn my responsibilities off on those foolish cads who consider themselves my friends. Because if it's worth not doing, it's certainly worth convincing others to do the work for you instead.
To that end, I've collected a series of essays and short stories from some of my friends and so-called peers, all about Asylum and, aha, yours truly. [Bows slightly] So if you don't mind, please join me for a night of praise and glorification of the best damn author any of you schmucks have ever had the pleasure of reading: DAEMON OF DECAY!
[The lights dim as the first message is projected against the backdrop above Derek's head with a loud click]
more like Daemon of DeGAY
[Glances up from the card] What? How the hell did that get in there? [Looks off stage] Seriously, what kind of amateur night operation are you running here? Didn't anybody screen these? Whatever, let’s just cut these out and start from the top again, alright. Huh? We’re live? What do you mean we’re l– [Grits his teeth and turns back to face the audience, a broad grin plastered on his face] Heh. Heheh... Ah, ahem. Uh, well, let's move on, shall we?
Okay, the next message is from... Ah! Okay, the next message is from one of my editors, Hobbes! A good friend and a great help in polishing up my genius to really make it shine, Hobbes is a real talented fellow that you should all keep an eye on. [Smiles] After all, he's been learning at the feet of the master, as it were, so he's certainly destined for great things.
[There is a click as the message changes]
TLDR: Asylum sucks; you should probably read it; don't listen to optimists.
When I first started reading Asylum I was thoroughly bored and found myself searching for the dislike button, only to find the massive amount of
losersreaders who upvoted and the pathetic amount that downvoted. I thought, "With a ratio like that, it must have done something right." Damn, was I wrong.By the end of chapter one, I'm beginning to question why the hell I'm still giving this story a chance. By chapter two I'm ready to slap the author from the insane amount of clichés and the stereotypical 'I'm not crazy; you're crazy for thinking I'm crazy' mental hospital patient mindset. Then... that's when I read the description of Pinkie Pie. I hate that character more than I mindless bronies. So much is it to my joy when I see straight mane and scars on the pony that deserves it the most. I fell in love from there, clearing 12 chapters in an hour and twenty minutes. And what do I have to say?
Overall, this story sucks. Pacing is horrendous; 120 thousand words equates to two days in the story. Right now you should be going, "The fuck?!" The characters haven't all been fully introduced and explained yet and it is fifteen chapters in. At the rate this story is going, I'm going to start seeing that dislike count climb because of how long it takes for big things to happen. Hell, I'd be surprised if this story is finished within the next decade! And, my god, does this story have flaws.
"Why edit it when you hate it so much?"
Don't get me wrong, Derek's a pretty decent writer. I like this story because insanity is interesting to me, and this story has its share of it. You see, this is actually a good story hidden beneath the trash heap presenting it known as the first two chapters. So go, read it, skip a couple of hundred words until the page break in chapter one, and you won't have to know why you're going to thank me for it,P.S. Disregard whatever anyone says if it's 100% praise. *coughSkeeterTheLurkercough*
[Whispers as he reads over the card again] Why that two-faced, weaselly bastard! What the hell does he mean, being bored by chapter one? Chapter one was fantastic! Cliches? Oh, I'll show that jumped-up child what a cliche is! [Crumples notecard and tosses it aside] When I get my hooves on his scrawny little neck...
[Picks up next card] Okay, okay. Look, I've got to apologize to y'all right now. Evidently nobody here knows how to do any prep-work on these sorts of events, so there might be a few rough edges with today's retrospective. It’s evidently a live show as well, so it’s not going to be perfect. But be assured, we're gonna get through this. [Scans next card] Excellent! This next message is from a real friend, Skeeter the Lurker!
[Click]
If there is one thing I can say about Daemon, it that the guy can write! And he doesn't just type words and hopes for the best, he takes his time and makes sure it works for what he needs.
What does this mean for updates? Well, they take forever, but he won't leave a story hanging unless he has a damn good reason.
Not to mention, the guy's fun guy to talk to. Yeah, he can be a bit of a prick and a pervert, but really, who isn't? Plus, he takes the time to reply to everyone's comment! How often do you see THAT?
Asylum... It's one of the top ten. Or, it SHOULD be.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Ah, see? That is much more fitting a night dedicated to honoring myself and... my work... [Frowns as he rereads the last few sentences] Prick? Pervert? Oh, that's rich, coming from the guy with a freaking Samurai Jack fetish! [Waves his hooves dismissively] Whatever, whatever. It's still a pretty nice sentiment there... you know, ignoring the blatant lies. Okay, next card!
[Click]
more like ASSylum
What? How the hell did that no-talent smut peddler get another goddamn message in here? [Yelling offstage] I said to screen these, you retards! No, I don't care that we're fucking live! Do your damn jobs! You're making me look like a schmuck out here. [Derek massages his temples] Next slide!
[Click]
I’m honestly not surprised that Derek got 20,000 views on his story Asylum.
As far as I know, no one has actually read it, but for how often he tells people to read it, 20,000 souls clicking the link is not hard to imagine.
That being said, I still feel he deserves praise.
Have you seen how huggable he is?
Pretty Damn Huggable.
[Derek looks at self] I'm... huggable? I mean, I guess that is praise, but it's not really the sort of praise I was looking for. Still, considering everything else they've been saying about me, I'll take it. It's better than nothing.
Wait a minute – people so too have read Asylum! Why you little... gah! Even the people that compliment me are still bastards! Next!
[Click]
What the parasprite did you just parasprite to me, you little parasprite? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my parasprite in the League of parasprites, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret parasprites on The parasprite, and I have beaten over parasprite parasprite parasprite. I am trained in parasprite and I’m the top parasprite in parasprite. You are nothing to me but just another parasprite. I will parasprite you the parasprite out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this parasprite, parasprite my parasprite words. You think you can parasprite away with wearing hockey parasprite? parasprite again, parasprite. As we parasprite I am using my secret parasprite of sonar parasprites across the city and your parasprite is being traced right now so you better parasprite for the parasprite, parasprite. The parasprite that parasprites out the pathetic little parasprite you call your parasprite. You’re parasprite done, parasprite. I can be parasprite, parasprite, and I can parasprite the parasprite out of you in over seven hundred parasprites, and that’s just with my parasprite. Not only am I extensively parasprite in unarmed parasprite, but I have parasprite to the entire arsenal of the parasprite and I will use it to its full parasprite to parasprite your miserable parasprite off the parasprite of the parasprite, you little parasprite. If only you could have known what unholy parasprite your little “parasprite” comment was about to parasprite down upon you, maybe you would have parasprite your parasprite tongue. But you parasprite, you parasprite, and now you’re paying the parasprite, you parasprite parasprite. I will shit parasprite all over you and you will parasprite in it. You’re fucking dead, parasprite. Im the goddamn parasprite.
The hell? That... that shit doesn't even make any sense. This is supposed to be a night celebrating me and my greatness, not to allow some retarded narcissist to repeat his name over and over like a goddamn Pokemon jerking off! [He points off stage] The next card had better be full of praise for me, or you assholes are gonna pay. Capisce?
[Click]
Let me tell you something about this son of a bitch.
If anyone was ever built for rimjobs, it is Derek. Seriously, the tongue agility alone would make him a natural, but then you've got the length, and his natural immunity to most of the gastric bacteria that means he's not going to have a problem if you didn't quite wipe every little surface properly.
Now, having said that, I can't tell you how well he eats pussy. I mean, would you let that mouth wander? I wouldn't.
Stick to the pucker, Derek. It's your destiny. I'm surprised you don't have a goatse cutie mark.
[Rolls his eyes] Oh fuck you guys. Seriously. One of you must think he's a fucking comedian. Har-dee-har-har. Well, buddy, you’re not as funny as you think you are. [Squints] Who the hell is this from, anyway? What, did you just get beggars and crackwhores to write these, or what? Alright, chuckle-fuck, next slide.
[Click]
[Derek reads the name at the top] Kaidan wrote this? Wow, he put together a full short story. Now that’s more like it! [Straightens up a bit and adjusts his bowtie as he turns to the audience] You know, I don’t like to brag, but I’m the reason Kaidan got into fan-fiction in the first place. I’m glad I did, too, because he has turned out to be gifted and might even reach my levels of success one day, if he works at it.
People often ask me if the rumors they hear about Daemon of Decay are true, and they disgust me. Communist, nazi, soulless dictator…. Daemon of Decay is actually the opposite. He is the most gentle and caring soul I’ve ever met.
You see, I first got to know him on the night shift at the Asylum. There was the sweetest little beige filly with pink hair that was only ten years old. I was a janitor and cleaned the pediatric ward when I stumbled upon Daemon administering medicine to the filly.
You see, she had gotten a cutie mark of the Columbine flower. I later found out that she suffered from nymphomania and only became lucid after being thoroughly. . . medicated. There was only one doctor in the whole Asylum willing to go the extra mile and give that poor filly what she really needed.
I got to know Columbine, as I would often come in and clean after Daemon had given her the nightly therapy she needed. He always treated her right, even when she had episodes and got violent—often tearing the bed apart. A few times the bed would have small blood stains. I assumed she had bitten him, though I never saw teeth marks.
For several years he visited her every night. I even got promoted to head janitor for my excellent work cleaning that little filly’s room after their sessions. She knew me and Daemon by name, and refused to talk to anypony else. After a while, Daemon and Columbine trusted me enough to ask for a special favor.
When Daemon was called away on a family emergency, he gave me specific instructions on what I needed to do to Columbine for her nightly treatment. It was rather straightforward—if not odd and morally questionable—but these two gentle souls had made such progress in her treatment. I felt I would lose my job for sure if I did not comply.
Late that night, per his instructions, I went to her room between the time the Nurse made rounds and the janitorial staff began cleaning the floor. With a trembling hoof I opened her door, walked in, and closed it behind me.
Already I was ashamed, my arousal impossible to hide, but I had a sacred duty to help cure this filly. I smiled and sat down next to her—doubtless a poor substitute for the muscular Daemon of Decay. She pulled out her notebook and handed it to me.
Inside were her clopfics. Stories about hairless monkeys from a far-away land having sex in the most peculiar fashion. They were bipedal and enjoyed such things as piercing flesh for sexual pleasure, or electrocution, even asphyxiation!
She was a troubled filly for sure, to be haunted by such vile creatures performing sexual acts. I couldn't begin to fathom how Daemon could treat her, and yet treat her he did. Every night he helped chase her demons away.
So that night I filled in for him. I edited her stories, gave her advice, and helped her to prepare another short story for submission to Playcolt magazine. Under the pen name Mare Hefner she has published dozens of depraved stories.
A few weeks ago she was released from the Asylum with a clean bill of health. No doubt it was due to the tireless efforts of Daemon to go to her room every single night, and fulfill her carnal desire—to write monkey porn.
Daemon of Decay is a gentleman and a scholar. To this day, he has single hoofidly treated every filly or mare with nymphomania that came to the Asylum. His nightly therapy sessions ensured they were all released by the time they hit eighteen.
I retired to Ponyville not long after that, only a few months after Columbine’s release. Turns out she lives here too, and is pregnant. If it weren’t for Daemon, she’d never have been able to stop writing porn, settle down, and start raising a family.
Monkey porn? Monkey porn? Oh that lying sack of shit! I always knew he was a hack, but this? This just proves it. I should have left that little shit-stain in the gutter where I found him. He couldn’t write his way out of a wet paper bag. Hell, even my worst monkey sex story would top anything that moron could produce. Next slide!
[Click]
How do I describe Derek? With profanity and muttered curses. That vile, mustache enthusiast has degenerated the site with his toxic presence, corrupting reader and writer alike with his nefarious ways. Whether it be through Asylum, a wicked trip through Twilight's demented mind, or his various other projects, this menace always has a trick up his sleeve to catch new and old users unaware and then viciously harass them with his mere presence alone. All in all, Derek is probably jacking off to pleasure at my insults, for that is how his sick, perverted mind works. Heck, he's probably doing it with sandpaper as well.
Also, do I have to mention the futa? I think I really do. Holy Jesus fucking Mary (heh, biblical incest) does this man love his girls with huge cocks. Which is some form of homosexuality somehow… Anyways, if there's a mare and she's fellating her own dick, you'd be sure there'll be Derek there, watching with a cold, perverted smile on his face.
[Throws his cards up into the air] Fuck it. I give up. The day I get told off by a fucking sponge is the day I pack it in. Screw all y’all, I’m going home.
[Before Derek can leave the stage, a female batpony steps between him and the exit, holding out a hoof to stop him. She is dressed in a fashionable toga with her hair curled elegantly. Derek backs up a step] Typewriter Error? What are you doing here? Who the hell let you on stage?
Now, somepony didn’t invite me. Rather rude of you, don’t you think, Derek? [The mare flips her mane in Derek’s red face and saunters past him] Of course this wouldn’t be the first time you were rude to me, wouldn’t it?
[Derek frowns] What are you talking about?
[She turns to him with a bit of a scowl] I’m talking about Asylum! That long-winded piece of drivel that you, Mr. Unoriginality, stole from me! You'd like to deny it but many people commented that your description and concept were almost a "deja vu" experience of what I had already written! [She turns her back to him again with another toss of her mane, flicking Derek’s face with her tail as she crosses to the center of the stage] As for the story... well, anyone could find gratuitous self-doubt interesting if enough people say it is. But when you think about it: how many chapters did you really need to describe the events of a single day? Sweetie, you just doesn't know how to keep things short and to the point.
[Derek looks off stage, pointing at the mare angrily] Where the hell is security?
Darling, chapters do not need to be over 10,000 words to get a point across. Next time you steal another story idea, you might want to do it in a not so long-winded manner. Also, I can’t help but wonder if the sheer amount of words in this so-called "fanfiction" may reflect a level of insecurity in its author. Perhaps he’s trying to make up what what he lacks in... other areas?
[Suddenly, Typewriter snorts as she whips out her glasses and puts them on] I’ve always wanted to do that! Sorry for crashing the party, but I had the dress and the opportunity called for it. Congrats on the views, Derek. You earned it. Anyway, gotta go! [She takes flight and leaves the auditorium, tossing Derek a plain baseball on her way]
[Derek’s mouth flap useless for a few moments before he throws the ball down] Oh that’s it! That is it! I am so fed up with this shit. Y’all can just go to hell! This whole night was a waste of my time. Jesus! [Muttering] Last damn time I try to do anything for anyone else, I’ll tell you that. Everyone I know is just an egotistical twat.
[A voice calls out from the audience] Hey! We thought you were gonna update Asylum, not spend your time writing useless shit like this! So where is it?
[Derek growls] I'll post it when I'm goddamn ready, and not a second sooner! So sit down, shut up, and be obedient little sheep. I'm the best thing to happen in your miserable lives, and you damn well know it!
[From the audience] That's it! We're tired of putting up with all your lazy bullshit! Get him!
[There is a roar as the audience storms the stage with torches and pitchforks. Screaming loudly, Derek runs off stage just steps ahead of the rabid mob. Slowly the lights dim on the stage as the banner proclaiming it to be 'The Asylum 20,000 View Spectacular Stage Show!' flutters to the floor limply]
Thanks go to my friends, acquaintances, and random people who submitted content for this blog!
darf
Hobbes (now known as Death the Kid)
the parasprite
Skeeter The Lurker
the dark prep
Cola_Bubble_Gum
Kaidan
Rainbow Bob
TypewriterError
And a very special thanks goes to those who have read Asylum! Honestly, you're the reason I keep working on this damn story! I hope you all enjoyed it, and let's hope I can get the next chapter finished before we hit 50,000!
-Derek (aka DoD)
Update the name, man.
1429415
I was already on it when you posted. You jumped the gun.
Well, I fixed the links, but I kept the name the same because that's the name you had at the time. Historical accuracy and all the like. Because generations from now, people will still be reading this and wondering about all the time I wasted on it.
Hehe... A repost of this. Of course.
~Skeeter The Lurker
....Nice, now back to life.... latter.
P.S. your story is great.
nuff said.
keep up the good work.
I'm 50% sure I know how it's going to end now.
I learned so many words. So many words.
Thank you.
So... Now you're huggable? Yeah! Hugs all around!
I would caution you, however, on some of what this blog contains. I assume that the NSFW tag was used for a reason the first time, and I don't want you to get banned.
(And yes, I will eventually get to the new chapter. I've just been busy. Really busy.
)
Looks like the newest MLP episode vouched for your privacy dude.
NOW WILL YOU PLEASE UPDATE ASYLUM!!!?!
Lol for Kaidan...