Chapter 1: An Average Day (But with Lasers) · 9:21pm May 30th, 2013
Some of you were curious what the story to replace "Tears" would be like. In response, here's a sneak peek at the rough draft of the first chapter. Hope you all enjoy, and be sure to comment with any suggestions and feedback! I'm open to new ideas.
There are as many subjects of controversy in life as there are immutable facts: constants, the antonym of one sugar-powered mare currently experiencing a level of bliss not normally attainable without chemical augmentation from illicit substances or stimulation not acceptable in public. Twilight had long since given up her doomed, though noble, quest to explicate the inexplicable mysteries and regular breaching of known natural laws commonly displayed by a certain earth pony the color of cotton candy, but on that particular sunny summer day, enjoying the warmth of the sun on her back and the scent of flowers mingling with the dust from her newest literary conquest, she noticed something particularly disturbing.
More than her ability to outrun Rainbow Dash or accurately predict a host of bizarre happenstances and natural disasters, this sudden realization took the studious mare's mind by storm. A creature whose diet consisted of disease inducing levels of sugar had white teeth. Not just white, but shining, scilliant, flawless white. Twilight had learned not to delve into matters where logic and reasoning had no part or portion, but as she was all but blinded by reflected solar rays, she couldn't help but comment.
"Pinkie!" At the sound of her friend's voice, hyperactivity incarnate responded promptly, jamming no fewer than half a dozen muffins into her mouth before zipping over in a blur of pink.
"Yush Twulut?" Brushing away crumbs and spittle, Twilight responded calmly with an affectionate grin.
"Sorry to interrupt your 'snack,' but... I couldn't help but notice you have a really dazzling smile." Pinkie, for once, appeared momentarily speechless, though this was expectedly short lived, as was Twilight's personal space. The sudden eviction of air from her lungs escaped in a wheeze, courtesy of one ecstatic embrace. Slightly- no, more than slightly confused by such a sentimental response, Twilight let her hooves hang limply at her sides for a moment before reciprocating the sudden embrace with an awkward pat to the mare's shoulder.
"Omigosh, Colgate was right!" the jubilant mare chortled, sweeping Twilight off her hooves. Twirling in a sickening series of spins that would have left any Pegasus reeling, Wonderbolt or not, Pinkie displayed all the poise of a trained dancer as she spun, missing not a single step. Eventually, the semi-traumatized shouts of the pony currently being subjected to her victory jig caught her attention, so Pinkie slapped a lid on her excitement, giggling profusely as she threw Twilight into the air with flair and set the mare back on her hooves as lightly as a feather floating down to earth.
"Sorry, you're just the very first pony I wanted to notice since I started trying out Colgate's special treatment, and now you are!" she explained, fidgeting like normal, but not.
Is she... blushing? Given the mare's coat and unabashed nature, Twilight knew that if the faint redness coloring the bubbly mare's cheeks was indeed a blush, then whatever was causing such a phenomenon would have to be pretty strong. "Ok, discounting all of my obvious questions..." she began, maintaining an even expression despite being off kilter on a number levels. "What is this 'special treatment' thing?"
"Oh, it's super neat!" Pinkie replied, shirking her momentary recession of insanity with a cheerful grin. "It's a teeny tiny bit more expensive than the usual checkups, but it really makes your teeth shine. You should totally try it!"
"I can't deny I am a little curious," Twilight conceded with reluctant admission. Rather than respond with words, Pinkie slowly leaned further and further forward, the wealth of anticipation stretching the corners of her mouth into a delighted crescent moon nearly as radiant as Luna's cradle itself. A defeated sigh slowly escaped as the birthing cries of a rueful grin, and the temperate librarian found herself unable to keep her affection for her friend from showing. "Ok, you win, Pinkie," Twilight said in mock exasperation, throwing her hooves in the air and wincing as Pinkie let the town know that it was truly a great day.
Why Twilight getting her teeth cleaned, which she was fairly confident she was as studious in maintenance as she was in research, made her friend hop excited circles around her, she couldn’t say. Despite her bafflement, Twilight knew it was a small price to pay for such a good friend. Closing her tome, Twilight promised Pinkie Pie that she would meet her back in the knoll upon completion of her session as she trotted back towards the library to pick up some bits to cover the costs, made a mental note to give Spike a lecture on the finer points of work before pleasure, and turned back towards town with the disastrous mess behind her; it wasn't her fault that Starswirl the Bearded's actual theories were buried under layers of myth and legend, after all! The clink of the bits within her sack mingled with the myriad voices of the townsfolk to form the background for intellectual exploration of all she had learned, and before she knew it she was standing outside a small clinic dedicated to dentistry. It certainly wasn't a spectacle, built of typical Ponyville architecture with a quaint sign hung above the entryway that simply read "Brushie Brush!"
"Hello? Is anypony here?" Twilight called out upon entering to find the rather small waiting area completely unoccupied.
"Yes! A customer!" a voice called out in a jovial tone laced with excitement. Twilight cocked an eyebrow as there sounded a scuffle followed by a crash that sounded like somepony upending the silverware drawer onto wine glasses with blissful nonchalance, a groan accompanied by a stream of muttering Twilight was thankful she couldn't quite make out, and finally the emergence of the resident dentist. "Oh, hey, Twilight!" Colgate quipped, cantering over and extending a hoof.
"Uh... Colgate, you got a little... something right..." Twilight said slowly, motioning to her mane. Colgate stared blankly for a moment while she mirrored the motion, her hoof quickly coming into contact with that which was not hair and bringing with it a sheepish giggle as the unicorn dug the offending toothbrush from her mane with practiced ceremony.
"Thanks for that, Twilight! I-"
"Little more, Colgate," Twilight interjected, chuckling as the mare tilted her head to the side only to have a number of toothpicks and a small mirror used for molar examination clatter to the floor.
"The hay..." Colgate murmured, staring in confusion. "Ok, I remember the toothpicks, but why wasn't there floss? Wait a second..." Twilight sheltered her muzzle as the mare gave her head a hearty shake, releasing a hail of oral care products including, but not limited to, two travel-sized tubes of toothpaste, another brush, and the much sought after container of floss, only half full. "There you are! I swear, I am starting to understand why so few ponies listen when I tell them to floss," Colgate lamented, shaking her head slowly at the dire tragedy as she turned her attention back to her would-be customer. "Think about it! Who is going to actually want go chase down their floss at the end of the day?"
"Pinkie Pie comes to mind," Twilight offered in a casual tone, a little taken aback as Colgate nodded sagely in full agreement.
"Oh, if only everypony were as dedicated as her..." Colgate murmured with a wistful sigh. "No, wait, then I would be out of a job! I'd go crazy with nopony to brushie! Wouldn't that just be absolutely, horrifyingly lame?"
"Well, I-"
"Need a good brushie brushie! Durr, way to go me!" the mare exclaimed, pulling a face and as she clapped the side of her head lightly with a hoof. Twilight hadn't really had any direct dealings with Colgate prior to this, her first trip to the dentist since foalhood, and she couldn't help but smirk a little as the giddy mare led her around the corner and sat her down in an amazingly comfortable chair, all while chanting some kind of theme to herself made up entirely of the words "brushie brush." It was catchy.
"Ok! What brings you in today, Twilight?" Colgate asked in a musical tone, sanitizing her hooves as well as the tray of tools that had cruelly attacked her immediately following Twilight's entrance, much to Twilight's pleasure and peace of mind. Actually, much like everypony else she'd met since coming to Ponyville, there was likely a good deal more intelligence buried under the quirks than readily apparent to naked eye, and Twilight was willing to give Pinkie's recommendation the benefit of the doubt.
"Well, I don't know that I need anything, but Pinkie Pie was telling me about some kind of 'special... treatment?'" Twilight trailed off at the end as Colgate whirled around with a crazed grin, and despite the her logical nature's gentle chiding for attempting to recoil when quite obviously seated, the mare couldn't help but be slightly nervous at the glee shining in Colgate's eyes.
"So, you want the 'special treatment,' do you?" she repeated, approaching slowly with unidentifiable intentions.
Suddenly, I am having second thoughts... but Pinkie... It was enough. While unconventional, Pinkie had a knack for pulling ponies from even the deepest of valleys, and Twilight couldn’t count the number of times a blast of confetti had garnered her appreciation. With a sigh of calm acceptance, Twilight nodded with a smile, ready to meet whatever awaited her - Pinkie Pie style.
"That's right. I made a promise to a friend, and I won't go back on my word. Colgate, lay it on me!"
“Well, prepare yourself for the most outrageous oral experience a mare could ever wish for!” Colgate squealed in her elation, shifting her hooves to Twilight’s shoulders as she did so. “Now, this is kind of a delicate operation, so you’re going to need to stay really still, okay?”
“If you say so.” Twilight closed her eyes and let her head sink into the soft cushioning, contemplating how gratifying it would be to nap in such a comfortable chair and wondering how many times Colgate had likely done the same. She’s a touch spastic, but other than that, she’s really pretty fun. It’s no wonder her and Pinkie Pie get along.
“Ok, um... in order to actually clean your teeth, I need you to open really wide. Oh! Don’t move your tongue too much, either. That could hurt.”
Hurt? Twilight cracked an eye open as the mare double-checked her tools. Yikes, some of those look pretty pointed. She wasn’t playing around when she said it was a delicate procedure, I guess... Oh well! I can trust her - she is the professional, after all! Complying without a second though, Twilight opened her mouth and did her best to remain still, finding little cause for concern. Trepidation soon paid the mare a visit as she heard a sound akin to activating an enormous centrifuge full of microwaves set to high and likely filled with popcorn. The cacophony graced her ears much like Scootaloo's singing would serenade an audience of critics, and one cracked eye open became two very frightened orbs regarding the buzzing machinery with all the level-headedness of green-maned Rarity. One might argue that any device that would cause such imagery in one’s head was nightmare worthy in and of itself, but the whirring mass of metal was directed at Twilight’s face, and it had a barrel. A very narrow, very scary barrel.
“C... Colgate?!?” Twilight yelped, attempting to meld into the chair in her efforts to put a little distance between herself and the massive turret that had risen from the floor.
"You know, Twilight, you're only my second customer for the special course, but you seem kinda... I dunno, tense?” Colgate commented, poking her head out from behind the behemoth. “You should relax!"
"Don't tell me to bucking relax with that... that cannon pointed at my muzzle!"
"How could you say something so cruel, Twilight! She is not a cannon!” Colgate shot back, drawing up beside her precious contraption and stroking its gleaming silver frame.
“Well, then what the hay is she- it, anyways?”
“This lovely lady’s an expert in the amplification of sodium monofluorophosphate by stimulated emission of radiation.” Twilight digested this information, blinked once, and quailed.
“You turned toothpaste into a laser?!?”
"Bingo!” Colgate quipped, clapping her hooves. “Lasers are way more classy than cannons! No offense to Pinkie Pie, of course. Now, as I said before, this is a delicate operation, so could you please sit still? I’d rather not miss.”
“Are you crazy?” Twilight snapped, frantically trying to calm enough to focus her magic into a forcefield. “There’s no possible way I’m letting you zap my teeth with something so dangerous!” Bereft of patience and a little more than slightly offended with Twilight’s callous disregard of her countless hours researching science not even remotely close to that of the medical kind, Colgate set her jaw, narrowed her eyes, and delivered her ultimatum.
“It’s brushie time.”
“Try it, mare,” Twilight growled, lighting the room with a dangerous lavender glow as she conjured every defensive spell she knew to mind. “There’s no way that mechanized menace of a brushie blaster could possibly muddle my magic!” Mortally wounded in a place right near the center of her chest, Colgate clutched her heart as her eyes filled with tears at hearing her baby called a menace. It brought just a tinge of hesitancy to the slanderer as the spearmint mare dropped her gaze, ignored the tiny clatter of a foal’s toothbrush as it fell from her mane, and sniffled quite loudly.
“Uh... Colgate?”
“Gotcha!” Twilight had but a moment to appreciate the truly devious leer of a mare and her machinery not to be scorned before Colgate deftly flipped a slider and mashed a button on the side. The Element of Magic was formidable, but come on, who could possibly outrun a laser? A gale of laughter tore from Twilight’s lungs as ten thousand feathers joined one million tiny spiders doing the jitterbug on her ribcage. Squirming helplessly as the low-pressure stream of toothpaste bore into her side, any hopes of concentrating enough to conjure any kind of spell quickly bid the laughing librarian a hasty adieu and romped away to dance with the spiders cutting a rug with the jitterbug, currently set to the “breathless” difficulty.
“C-Colgahahaha! Youhehehehe~ n-n-need to... to... bwahahaha!” It was useless. Like Luna celebrating her very first Nightmare Night, the laughter doubled as Colgate gave the lavender mare a sympathetic nod and swept the beam across to the other side, across the mare’s belly despite her patient’s flailing hooves, which Twilight discovered were also quite ticklish, switched the machine off, and then sauntered over to the chair with a smug grin.
“Huh, so you can turn a pony purple with paste!” Colgate mused to herself, leaning in close to scrutinize a very breathless Twilight’s cheeks, currently taking a fashion lesson from Rarity’s mane and doing an absolutely smashing job at flattery through mimicry. “Still think she’s a menace?”
“Huuuwah...”
“You know, for somepony who lives in a library, I’d have thought you’d be a little more, I dunno... eloquent?” Colgate mused as Twilight lay gasping for air, still weeping tears of forced mirth. “Eh, can’t judge a book by it’s cover, I suppose. Now, be a good little filly and sit really still, ok?” Struck by the irony of being told to “sit still” when quite firmly glued to the chair, Twilight attempted a snort that came out a snicker and shed a few more tears. Peering through her scope, Colgate took aim, set the power to max... and had an oops.
It was nopony’s fault, really. Colgate wasn’t a seer, Twilight wasn’t a good patient, and doctors rarely anticipate their patients brazenly casting aside their instructions with casual disregard for their own safety. In Twilight’s defense, she was fairly light-headed from Ponyville’s newly appointed tickle torture extraordinaire, and thought nothing of it as she closed her gaping maw and leaned forward to make petition of her dentist. Colgate was just peeved that she missed her shot.
“Col...” ZAP!
“Ooooh,” Colgate grimaced, “...nose shot.” Straight up the mare’s sinuses blasted a concentrated beam of minty goodness, freshening as it gushed in one nostril, out the other, down the back of her throat, and probably out her ears; Twilight couldn’t rightly tell as an overwhelming tingling sensation dominated her muzzle like Applejack at the Ponyville rodeo.
“Oh Cewesha, id ib by node!” Twilight howled, kicking her hooves and clutching her muzzle as olfactory sensory overload threatened cranial eruption of the worst kind. It wasn’t even that it hurt, per se, but simply that sniffing a freshly crushed sprig of mint was normally enough to clear one’s sinuses. So, when a gallon or so of extra strength toothpaste was used in accidental replacement of a proper nasal wash, it was a touch overwhelming as one could well expect.
“Ged ib out! Ged ib oudda mah node!” Twilight wailed, frantically attempting to teleport away from the mess in her schnoz. “Oh, dah mindt... id burnig!”
“Well, I told you to sit still!” Colgate said, throwing up her hooves in exasperation. “Not even I like mint enough to snort it. Is that a librarian thing?”
“No, ith a bad thig! Ith bery bery bad thig!” Twilight snapped, squeezing her muzzle from base to tip like a tube of toothpaste with very much the same effect.
“Huh, so I’m not crazy for never having tried it before...” Colgate mused in a thoughtful tone before glancing up to find herself being fixed with a most furious glare.
“You are moth debinidly cwathy,” declared, pointing a quavering hoof at the mare who simply stared back, nonplussed. “Lodo. Inthane! Compwedely oudda huh gowrd!”
“Hmph! Well, if you can’t even be nice about it, then you’re welcome to leave!” Colgate huffed, pressing a few buttons and watching her machine power down. “Pinkie Pie asked me to treat you to a good time, and I tried my best, but you... you’re just mean!”
Pinkie Pie asked her to... wait, mean?!? “Mead?” Twilight snapped back, calling after Colgate as she fled the room. “I diddn poin a lader at thom pony faeth!” Muttering as she popped free of the binding paste and fell onto the floor with a plop, Twilight confirmed within herself to find a spell to replace any and all need for a toothbrush as she waddled out of the office and back towards the park, ready to give Pinkie a piece of her mind. Carefree as always, Pinkie Pie was right where Twilight had left her, every bit as happy and completely unaware that her friend was stalking over.
“Shucks, bein’ a farm pony is a lot o’ work, even when it ain’t the autumn harvest!” Groaning as she stretched her back and wiped sweat from her forehead, Apple Bloom shot the summer sun a dirty look before returning her gaze to the freshly tilled earth. With fall only a few weeks away and most of her summer spent trying every nonsensical ploy her friends could conjure to claim her ever-elusive mark of destiny, her summer chores had piled high like the carts would be with apples by the turn of the month. Sneaking a peek this way and that and finding neither of the overbearing taskmasters known as “siblings” to be present, the filly turned back to the rows of fertile soil awaiting their daily shower and adopted a stern glare.
“Now, don’t y’all go gettin’ me in trouble, ya hear?” she warned, waving a hoof at the watering can. “Ah’m just takin’ a little break, an’ ah’ll be back in just a little bit t’ cool ya off.” Darting away before any witty rebuttal could be made, the filly galloped towards the fringe of the apple fields and nestled up against one of the trees, releasing a contented sigh as the fruit-laden boughs sheltered her from the heat. “Ah wish ah were a plant right about now,” the filly commented behind closed eyes, pausing as a refreshing breeze tickled her coat. “They don’t have to do any chores. Hay, ah could go fer a nice cool shower mahself.”
Apple Bloom hadn’t expected the elements to grant her request, and she didn’t immediately respond to the sudden cool upon her brow with anything more than an appreciative moan. As a trickle dribbled down her cheek, she blinked sleepily and brushed the moisture away before staring at her hoof in utter confusion. “Ah’m... sweatin’ cold water? That don’t make any sense at all... wait a minute, what’s all this?” No longer interested in her hoof, the filly’s attention drew towards the white powder quickly melting into grass. “Snow? Why ‘n tarnation is there snow in the middle of summer?” Her answer was much closer than she would have guessed, and as she lifted her eyes, she found herself staring into the eyes of a stallion far more fatigued than she.
The unicorn’s disheveled mane was likely once as pure as the snow that seemed to manifest around him at seemingly random intervals, but neglect and dust had marred its ivory sheen. Streaks of turquoise dispersed throughout his hair led her vision down to vacant eyes of the same brilliant color, but there was no sparkle to be found in his heavy-lidded gaze. Apple Bloom’s attention lingered for just a few moments on his dirt-encrusted azure coat before lifting her eyes to the fruit that swayed gently in the breeze. Her contemplation ended shortly after it began as a faint pulse of shimmering light produced a few more flakes of snow, and as a few lighted on her snout, the open-minded filly decided that the newcomer could use a proper welcome.
“Uh, hey there, mister,” Apple Bloom ventured, standing up. “Thanks fer coolin’ me off with yer magic! Spot o’ snow felt right nice.” Receiving not so much as a glance, she took a step closer and shivered as her hoof crunched down on a small collection of chilly flakes. “Ya seem mighty interest in our apples,” she commented, noting his slender form. “Ah might not be as good at buckin’ as mah sis, an’ it’s still a little early in the season, but ah’m sure ah could knock a few down.” The stallion stirred, blinking as if waking from a dream.
“...Why?” he asked, his voice as quiet as the streets on cold winter’s night.
“Why?” Apple Bloom chuckled, completely unfazed. “So you could eat a few, o’ course! It ain’t that complicated. Pardon me fer sayin’ so, but ya look like you could stand t’ eat a bit more.”
“That’s probably true,” he replied, dropping his gaze and inspecting himself with apparent disinterest.
“Just sit tight. Ah’ll have those apples down before you can say ‘ponyfeathers!’” Taking her position at the base of the tree, Apple Bloom braced her forelegs and bucked a good Apple family buck. Beaming proudly as she rounded up all three of the apples that she’d harvested proper, she laid them in front of the newcomer and watched with pride as he took a bite, paused, and then demolished the remainder with startling speed. “Goodness, mister! How long’s it been since ya last had a proper meal, anyhow?”
“It’s been... perhaps a week?” he replied after a short pause. “Two weeks, maybe?”
“Two weeks?” Apple Bloom exclaimed, gawking for a moment before shaking off her surprise. “Shoot, ah’m surprised ya didn’t start gnawin’ on the tree if it’s been two weeks! Let me get ya some more.” Not waiting for a confirmation, Apple Bloom galloped back to the base of the tree, but paused again as the stallion’s voice sounded again.
“This is a farm, isn’t it?”
“Uh... yeah, but what’s that got to do with anythin’?” Apple Bloom replied, cocking her head to the side.
“I’ve no money with which to pay you.” The filly simply grinned: city ponies were just plain silly, sometimes.
“Well, now y’all got me confused in the noggin; ah can’t remember sayin’ anythin’ ‘bout payin’ fer them apples! Ah hope ah’m not speakin’ fancy again...” Chuckling as the stallion took longer than expected to comprehend her cheery sarcasm, Apple Bloom gave the tree another buck and nudged another apple towards the hungry traveler. “Hospitality don’t cost a pony nothin’ at all,” Apple Bloom quipped, offering the up the fruit with outstretched hooves. “Ah ain’t seen you before, so you must be new t’ Ponyville. We may have a few bad apples, but most everypony ‘round here are the nicest ponies you’ll ever meet! Say, ah never caught yer name. Ah’m Apple Bloom.”
“I...” the stallion started, hesitating.
“Apple Bloom! Where in tarnation have ya got to?” a voice suddenly called out, causing the little pony to jump.
“Ponyfeathers! That’s mah sis,” Apple Bloom muttered she spied Applejack wandering amongst the trees looking cross. Knowing it was better to cut her losses and own up to slacking rather than try and evade her sibling’s searching eyes, the filly paid the stranger an apologetic glance and bellowed back. “Ah’m over here, sis!”
“What’re you doin’ all the way out...” Applejack started to say, falling silent as she found her little sister in a remote location with an unknown stallion. “...here,” she finished, almost growling out the word. That pony looks shadier than the tree they’re sittin’ under, mane all mussed up an’ dirtier than some o’ the pigs. “Apple Bloom, get over here.” She responded promptly with every bit as much bull-headed stubbornness as her sister might have, stalking over and meeting her glare with one of her own.
“Ah was just takin’ a little break, sis! Ah wasn’t ditchin’ work, honest!” Apple Bloom protested defensively. “Ah knew you’d be on me like bees t’ flowers if ah left fer too long, so ah came out here t’ get away.”
“You’ve had all summer t’ play with yer friends, and you’ve barely been workin’ an hour,” Applejack countered. “Besides, as much as ah’ve let you get away with lately, ah’d say you used up most o’ yer breaks already.”
“But...”
“Don’t start with me, Apple Bloom,” Applejack interjected, shaking her head. “You know as well as ah do that everypony has t’ pitch in ‘round here.”
“...but it’s hot, sis,” the little filly moped, scuffing at the dirt. Rather than further lecture, there passed a few moments of silence before an airy sigh gave the little filly cause to smile.
“All right, all right... take mah hat,” Applejack said softly, placing her prized stetson on the filly’s head. “Ah know it ain’t comfortable out here, but we really need t’ hustle an’ get caught up before the fall harvest comes around, or we’re gonna have a city full o’ hungry ponies. Ah’ll be along in a few t’ help, but in the meantime ah need you t’ get back to it, alright?”
“You got it, sis! Bye mister- uh... whateveryernameis!” the filly called over her shoulder as she bolted back towards the fields, nearly colliding with a tree as the oversized hat slipped over her eyes. Her sister’s caring smile faded as she turned back to the stallion who had remained quiet through the entire exchange, regarding him with apprehension.
“Ah don’t suppose you’d like t’ explain why exactly you were hangin’ out here alone with mah little sister?” she asked, scrutinizing his every move.
“I was drawn to the smell of food that wasn’t grass,” he replied readily, sounding neither upset nor put off by the accusatory nature of Applejack’s prodding. “That little filly was kind enough to allow me a few apples. I’d be grateful if you thanked her properly for her kindness.”
“That’s it, huh?” He ain’t showin’ any signs o’ lyin’, but somethin’ about him just don’t sit right with me... Though she couldn’t pinpoint any specific cause for her suspicion, the sense that something was amiss with the stallion grew as he gave an almost imperceptible shiver, sending a few flakes of snow floating to the ground. Ah must be crazy fer askin’ this... he’s likely t’ think ah’m all kinds o’ daft. “Are you...” she started, sighing as she mentally rolled her eyes at herself one more time. “You ain’t cold, are ya? Ah can see ya shiverin’ over there.” Her hackles raised as the stallion’s once distant eyes focused, bearing down on her with an intensity that brought Fluttershy’s stare to mind. Applejack said nothing as his expression softened again, the weariness bowing his head towards the ground.
“Always...” he replied as he turned away, his voice barely rising above a whisper. “There can be no warmth when the heart lies buried beneath the frost.”
Ferget feelin’ daft: this pony’s got problems. As reluctant as she was to let the bizarre pony anywhere near her friends and family, Applejack knew that shivering in the late summer heat was simply unnatural, though given the snow that continued to manifest around his hooves with rising frequency, she could see that he had problems. Lucky fer you, ah know a pony who loves to solve problems. “Look, ah can’t dilly dally, an’ you don’t look like yer up fer much conversation,” Applejack began, trotting a few paces forward and stopping as she felt a substantial shift in temperature. Sweet Celestia, even the air near ‘im is cold...
“Ah ain’t exactly sure what it is yer doin’ out here, but if you need somepony t’ help you with yer, uh... snow problem... ah know just the pony you should try talkin’ to.” Applejack waited a few moments for a reply or some kind of interest, but the unicorn made no motion to acknowledge her words. “Her name’s Twilight,” she began again, ignoring the conflicting emotions within. On one hoof, she’d just as soon see the stallion leave town so she could stop wondering why the hay he made her feel so anxious, but her friendly nature couldn’t simply send him away. “She’s the town librarian, an’ callin’ her a prodigy when it comes t’ magic is puttin’ things likely. If anypony can figure out why yer so cold, it’ll be her.”
“I...” the stallion began, faltering. “I doubt that-” Without warning, a violent shiver passed over the stallion, causing his legs to buckle and bringing him to the ground. Applejack impulsively rushed forward, but made it only a few steps before finding herself in danger of sharing the stranger’s condition: the air around him had grown numbingly cold. Fearful and yet filled with awe, the mare swallowed hard as the snowfall became constant, but as seconds ticked by and she struggled to find her voice, the unprecedented storm proved to be brief. Rising shakily, the stallion turned glanced at Applejack and shivered again. “...where can I find the library?”
“It’s, uh... just down the road a ways,” she replied hesitantly, pointing a hoof. “It’s built into a giant oak tree, ya can’t miss it.”
“Thank you... for the directions,” he replied amidst shallow breaths.
“Hey, are you gonna be alright?” Applejack called after him as he took a few steps and stumbled.
“This is... normal. I’ll make it.”
“Normal?” she murmured to herself, letting her gaze drop to the frostbitten grass. The fronds that had once been full of life lay withered where the stallion’s hooves had once rested, and the flakes that had fallen glistened in the sun like the morning dew. “Ain’t nothin’ normal about any o’ this. Ah hope sendin’ him t’ Twilight was the right thing t’ do.” Stealing one last glance at the hoary enigma trotting away, the farmer returned to the chores at hoof, eager to give her mind something else to focus on and maybe, just maybe figure out why the hay she found him to be so disconcerting: the reason that lay hidden amongst all the others.
Okay...forget what I said about making some 'small' edits......this was fucking amazing!!
And having AJ be the one to send him to Twilight? Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant!!! Go for it!!!
I only ask that you keep certain things....like the fact he is a bit of a bumbling idiot around Twilight, the whole decoloured rainbow incident and the follow up. (Luna and Celestia getting it on with the guards.)
But still.....fucking amazing.
Colgate. You are the reason people fear and loathe dentists.
Oh AJ, the chain of events you just set into motion.
I laughed myself to tears then became very concerned.
I love it. If this is the first chapter of the revised 'Tears in the Snow' then I can't wait for the rest of it.
Engage 'Nitpick Mode'
That sad attempt at profound depressing philosophy that Cerulean displayed doesn't fit in properly. He doesn't strike me as the chronically depressed guy who speaks 'stereotypical hippie' all the time.
I did enjoy the little slice o' life in the first half, though. Some more sprinkles of that, if you don't mind.
Also, do AB and AJ think out loud in this little series? A good bunch of the stuff they say is better suited as internal monologuing, like the last sentence AJ says.
Oh yeah, and I'm very tired of the Apples' vocabulary being written as 'Ah' for 'I'. 'Yer' is acceptable (but only sometimes) and I feel that even without the obvious disregard for basic grammar that you give them, the fact that a lot of their words are dipped in apostrophes tip the reader off very easily.
'Nitpick Mode' Disengaged
I think that covers it. Looking forward to what you have to offer, though, keep 'em coming.
Oh good. I don't have time to detail read right now. Skimmed it, will come back later. Quick notes. You elicit a response, but substances are illicit. Gnolls are pig dogs, knolls are grassy hills that may contain gunmen.
1115001 "That sad attempt at profound depressing philosophy that Cerulean displayed doesn't fit in properly. He doesn't strike me as the chronically depressed guy who speaks 'stereotypical hippie' all the time."
Cerulean (as you have come to know him) doesn't seem chronically depressed because his turnaround from "I've just given up on life and am busy having a magical meltdown, kthxbai" to Happy-go-lucky buffoon is far too fast (in tears) given how serious his condition is meant to be. Certainly, he will eventually move to that point, but if you recall the start of "Tears," he's a wreck. Ponies steeped deep in depression rarely just suddenly "perk" from a single beneficial event, and given some things working behind the scenes that you, the readers, are unaware of yet, his actions make sense. He's plumb exhausted and barely maintaining functionality, and that makes it rather difficult to be cheery. Oh, and, how the hay is “I’ve no money with which to pay you” even remotely hippie? That's much to formal to be hippie speak, as is “There can be no warmth when the heart lies buried beneath the frost.” I'd like to meet your hippies, and arrange a trade: the one's here in Cali are much less poetic.
"Also, do AB and AJ think out loud in this little series? A good bunch of the stuff they say is better suited as internal monologuing, like the last sentence AJ says."
Unless I'm sorely mistaken, characters often think aloud in the show, and I feel it's well within character for a family whose matriarch yells at jars like infantry to think aloud.
"Oh yeah, and I'm very tired of the Apples' vocabulary being written as 'Ah' for 'I'. 'Yer' is acceptable (but only sometimes) and I feel that even without the obvious disregard for basic grammar that you give them, the fact that a lot of their words are dipped in apostrophes tip the reader off very easily."
Preferences, preferences... can't please everypony, I suppose. I only use "yer" in place of "your" but never "you are," and as for the "I - ah," I simply like writing it that way. It properly conveys the sound, which is the point of writing in accents in the first place. Sure, if the reader knows that Applejack is the one speaking, they'll likely hear the words in her slang even written correctly, but I feel it adds to the effect. If you wanna see butchered words, read something where somepony is trying to convey a heavy Scottish accent: I can't even understand half the basic language, and I love it.
1115016 Emphasis on "rough" draft...
Fixed, though, thanks for that!
Awesome work! I really like it so far.
Intriguing. I like your new approach and your writing style has improved immensely.
Well this is certainly a change from the original, and even though I liked the original (forgetting it's slightly rough and rushed nature), I think this one may have surpassed it quite well.
However, in terms of Ceruleans speech, I think it comes across as a bit too posh, though that may just be me. However, I do like him as the stereotypical depressed, down, and out poet in his style of speech, I reckon it could play off quite well later on with Twilight.
One question though, do you plan on re-writing some of the other earlier stories, or is it just "Tears in the snow"?
1115064
All of my yes.
1115285 The plan is to rewrite Tears. He's pleased with the other books as they are, with the exception of Song of Whispers. As he said, songs will need heavy revision to refocus the plot back to the character it introduces, that being Jade and not Rarity. As for the others, they will remain essentially the same, though we must go through them all to find and fix discontinuities.
Hopefully this helps answer your question :3
-Sterling
1115071 ... WTH Ceru. I commented one the knolls part at least! I KNOW I did! I was giggling like mad when I saw gnolls as I typed the correction!
1115385 Ah, that makes sense. And I agree about song of whispers, not my favourite of the series, namely due to the whole Rarity stuff. Definitely missed out on some quality Jade time.
So yes, that answers it rather nicely, cheers.
BUCKING AWESOME!!
If you plan on replacing Tears with this, I will still fully support it 100%. Tears was awesome, this looks like it'll be even better.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
as much as I loved the original, I think I love this rewrite more.
please don't get me wrong, its written really well, but I'm not too big a fan of the twilight part in the beginning and Im not sure why. the rest of it with the apples was great.
and i agree with Lucky424 please keep ceru's bumbling idiotness around twi and the whole decoloured rainbow incident.
on another note
if you do chapter names will you name one of the chapters tears in the snow? the reason why I am asking is because I think that in an earlier blog you stated that you will be rewriting tears as two stories, with I believe two different names...... and I really like the name tears in the snow.
That was awesome, and I want more!
1115549 One of the problems with Tears is that I felt many of the scenes were too contrived. Starting off the readers with a glimpse in Twilight's everyday life while introducing a new character in an organic way was kind of the goal, and while the whole bit with the dentist might seem irrelevant to the story, I assure you that there is a purpose in the mare getting coated in toothpaste. Liking something is a matter of preference, so I can respect you not caring for some bits more than you do others, but... really? Come on, Colgate is adorable! What's -not- to
? 
SPOILERZZZ!!! AHHH!!!
NOW I WANT MOAR!!! >:(
1115579
but I do
Colgate! she is best dentist pony.
Like, I like the scene with twi and colgate, I just don't like it like it. and i still don't know why!
it's not that I think the whole bit with the dentist seems irrelevant to the story, really, that thought never crossed my mind. Honest!
anywho I think that (to me anyways) it feels like something that would happen to twi post depressed ceru. I hope this makes sense to you! It almost does to me.
also, I think that I might be too used to how the original started (u know dramatically). I like this beginning much better tho!
*reads comment over* man, I sure am using the word like alot...... Why? I don't talk like that, so why do i type like it? bah! I need sleep. sorry for talking so much! and making partial irrelevant comments.
1115071
Woo~ Looks awesome, mate~!
Definitely a better explanatory meeting than "I woke up with your daughter on top of me."
1115894 So much
for that song! (and pretty much the rest of their music as well)
1115064 Seems that words still fail me. I should have said 'pretentious-ish poetry'. I've never met, or even seen a hippie in my life (not in the flesh, anyway). Norway doesn't have the greatest variety of personalities out there.
For successful communication, I rely on people looking at the technical standpoint of my statements. I said 'stereotypical hippie' for that reason. It's the only method I've got, even though it wouldn't actually work on anyone except for the bureaucrats from Futurama, or Sheldon Cooper.
I could say I saw it coming that the answers will come in time, but I'm not sure you'd believe me.
And, yes, I know I fumbled some words on this comment as well. It's pretty guaranteed to happen at least once to me when I say something.
You don't have to tell me about that whole Scottish thing. Freaking Doric.
1115915 In retrospect, I may have come across much more forcefully than I had intentioned. Apologies if it seemed like I was yelling, as that's not at all how I meant what I said!
While I'm still slightly confused, if I recall the original Tears well enough, Cerulean did indeed have moments where he'd talk and it would sound much like this: almost needlessly mysterious, vague, and not like most ponies talk. While I am reinventing his character in many ways, speaking as somepony who knows both depression and the fatigue it can bring (and yes, he's barely maintaining consciousness at this point), sometimes we can get a little dramatic, but here, he doesn't even have the energy to properly convey the drama. It may sound just plain bad, but I meant for it to, and it will be explained why later when he's developed more. And given that you've read my stories, I totally can believe that you could guess that the answers for why would come later! Sorry again if I sounded upset, I was a little bummed out this afternoon.
1115933 That's okay, it happens. Maybe I shouldn't have replied during an insomnia attack. Keep doing your thing, I love it!
1115906
OK let's see what you did:
- Pointless 1/3 chapter about Twilight and Colgate
- Fixed initial AJ hatred towards Cerulean by having her and AB find him first
So a plus and a minus so I don't really know what to think of this
1118915 I can understand how you may find the portion concerning the dentist to be misplaced, but bear with it, you'll find it has a purpose in the next chapter.
1119407
I'm guessing your the proofreader for this?
1119411 aye, one of them ^_^
This is going to be a much more difficult story to read, isn't it...
*begins preparing for an assault on his feels*