'MallaJong's Notes' Blog Post #1 (The Selfish One) · 11:15pm Mar 1st, 2013
The following is the beginning of a series of blog posts created specifically for myself. Sometimes I write things without even thinking about it. Most of it is fiction, and most of it is non-pony related. The excerpt below will probably not be of any interest to you. So you don't have to read it. You've been warned.
Edit: This isn't me. Just some fiction I wrote on my cell phone one day. You've been warned twice.
It's that time of year again. That time in which I wake to find my alarm clock not working. That time when I turn over in my bed groggily, trying with all my strength to get out of it. That time in which the futility of my efforts to touch my feet upon the cold wooden floors keep me under the shielding blankets. That time in which I end up sinking back into a nice slumber. That time in which I reawaken to discover I've missed work for the third time in a row. That time in which I accept my fate in the world of unemployment. That time in which I shrug in apathy and close my eyes, hoping that my brain gets the message...to fall back asleep.
Yup, it's that time again. And, in all truth, I kind of expected it to come a little early this year. There's always been a certain pattern to my life, so this little incident doesn't particularly surprise me. It was really just a matter of time until I got the boot.
No, this isn't an example of lacking confidence. Not at all. I'm just that type of individual that...well, doesn't care. I guess you can call it a problem. Or maybe you can call it a gift. But in the end it's the way I go about things, and I can't help but admit that I'm comfortable.
Apathy is like drug, I tell you. One day you're hard at work, toiling and sweating under a scorching sun or racking your brains on some important test, and then something happens that you couldn't have predicted. Something in your head just tells you 'Stop and think for a moment. Why do you care so much? Is this what you really want?'.
It's funny because when I had experienced my little epiphany, I actually did stop to think about the motivations for my actions. We're my incentives justifiable to undergo so much discomfort? Was it all going to be worth the monotony? The dullness? The idiotic coworkers? The cringe-inducing environment? The overly arrogant boss? The sleep deprivation? The hungover mornings?
As you can probably tell, my perspective on the wills of livelihood changed that day. It was such a simple solution. Live and let live. Rest and let rest. Skip the hardships and go straight for the gold. It hurts less, and overall it's satisfying.
I just couldn't argue against such an appetizing realization. I had become a changed citizen. One who just didn't care.
Now I don't want you to confuse this type of thinking as laziness. It's not about being lazy. Laziness is a sickening disease that can certainly ruin somebody's time on this land.
I'm only referring to the fact that you don't have to care so much about the trivialities. This afternoon I barely made an attempt to go to work. It's possible I could have subconsciously left my alarm to itself, just so I wouldn't even have to be pulled out of my reveries. It's because by this time I've already grown tired of my part-time job. It was new and interesting the first two or three months, but once I hit that threshold both my body and mind worked together to get me out.
Again, it's not about being lazy. And it doesn't only pertain to monetized labor. Apathy can aid in just about anything. Asking a girl out on a date, being blunt and up front about the truth, dancing naked at any opportunity I get , or eating dog/cat meat just to know what it tastes like.
It's the simplicity that never fails to strike me. I'm set straight by my own sense of ease. I like this feeling, and I wouldn't mind keeping it until my final breath escapes my lips. A constant intrigue boils within my mind, because anything can come about as a result of apathy. I don't know what the reaction will be, though I'm positive I'll be there to experience it firsthand. Whether it's desirable or not doesn't influence my decision to continue living without a care in the world. I'm free. I'm the most liberated I've ever been in my entire life, each and every day.
Adventures and humorous memories await me down this path, and that's fine. Tragedy may also be ready to obstruct me, too. Yet surprisingly that's also fine. I'll just take it one step at a time, as fast or as slow as I want.
Because...I really just don't care. Admittedly I'm selfish in a way. I know that, and I've always known that. Being selfish is easy, and I guess that's the whole point of not taking into regard the thoughts and opinions of those around me. I'm like a loose cannon: I'll present a spectacle, but those within my firing range will likely be hurt. As an apathetic, selfish being, I'm willing to take that gamble, though. That shouldn't be a shock to anybody who's acquainted with me.
Which brings to light another question: why exactly do others hang around me, let alone associate with me? They should understand that I'm a hazard to there nitpicky, prudish lifestyles. They should discern that I'm rather unpredictable. They should realize how dangerous I actually am.
I'm always surrounded by peers. I'm rarely ever left to myself long enough to start feeling lonely.
So I wonder, and I'll always wonder...Why? What is it about me that brings them back? Is it my charm? My social skills? My presence as an extra body for someone's group of companions? My quirkiness? My sardonic nature?
Or is it perhaps the fact that I make others feel better about themselves. They're not me, and they're glad they're not me. But in order to not become me, they must keep a close eye on me. To watch me. To observe me. To study me. To criticize me. To find comfort in the thought that they couldn't possibly become me. To hope with all their might that they don't become me. Somebody who doesn't know their future. Somebody without security. Somebody so selfish and uncaring.
Or maybe they wish they were me?
It's not like me to state this, but I feel sorry for them. Their pride is, sadly, their downfall. Misconceptions blind them from seeing the truth of apathy and selfishness. As far as I can tell, the benefits of my actions outweigh the consequences. There's less worry for the things that could go wrong. Anxiety becomes totally nonexistent. Doors open up to new sights, sounds, tastes and smells. Countless experiences are enjoyed at every turn of the corner. Vitalized sensations that truly explode remain in my latent memory for the rest of my days. Everything, the whole world and all its inhabitants, rest snugly in the palm of my hand. And at any moment I deem the 'right one', I can either choose to wrap my fingers around and crush it or let it stay there and wait a bit longer for its inevitable end.
Yet the caring and selfless are stuck in their own sweat, tears and exasperation. They care too much, and consequently they overanalyze. The effects of these pitiful behavioral traits are often never helpful in the slightest.
Their eyes will never open...their cognizance will never be lucid...until they try to be like me. As I mentioned before, apathy isn't about being lazy. It takes a lot of effort to not care. Rewiring and maintaining one's thought processes to devoutly follow such philosophy takes time and strength. It can even be exhausting for some. But at the surface top of that mountainous peak is a treasure.
And after you've discovered this treasure, it's all a downhill slope from there. Smooth riding. Sliding down, down, down forever.
It's so nice, I tell you. So nice and heartwarming that I think I'll just fall back asleep now. I don't care if you're satisfied with my monologue, or if you cared to have been given one. I might be leaving you hanging, but I really don't care. Call me selfish if it helps you sleep at night.
Bur before I drift off into the land of dreams, know this: accepting myself surely has helped me.
I'm satisfied with my life. I'm happy. And that in itself, my friends, is true success.
- The Selfish One
*Hugs* Honesty happens to the best of us brother, here, have a Derpy
She cheers anyone up.
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Thanks, dude. But this is not me. It's just some stupid little fiction piece I wrote on my cell phone one day.
Although I am a very selfish person.
Sorry to hear that life is so rough on you.
Here allow me to cheer you up with a very funny video:
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Haha. Dude, I guess people are going to think this is me. But it isn't. It's just a piece of fiction I wrote randomly one day.
This was brilliant. You really thought through this carefully. Dammit, man, how do you write such awesome stuff?
Gotta admit I struggle to empathize with this guy, though; I couldn't stand not doing anything, or meeting someone. I love meeting people and helping them with things. This is why I make such a terrible writer, because I don't feel like I have an obligation to finish anything with myself. When there's someone else, I have that motivation. I have that duty.
And I find solace in this.
This is pretty good. I can certainly relate to the apathetic feelings described in it, it's how I felt during the worst times of my depression. Hell, I'm still struggling with that.
It's always nice to see new content from you MJ.
Ah, philosophy. Surprised it was good. Seems that everything you write is gold.
It was nice....just.....nice....
It's hard for me to really describe, I guess because I got swept in the mood of the story, which is of course apathy - I can tell right off the bat, that it was very stream-of-conscious which I am very much alot of the time. I know you didn't want people to think too much on this, but I enjoyed it...it was honestly peaceful in it's own way - I'm not sure I would want to emulate this person, but it certainly was interesting to read.
Your other stories though are far more interesting, I'm hoping I could get to them and review them as soon as I can.
Wow! That was deep, man, truly deep.
Screw you! I read it anyway. Trying to tell me what I shouldn't do... Oh, uh, it was pretty good, for something I read just to spite you.
I read like one line, then I realized that the porn video I was watching was still playing in the background.
So I finished.
Still a better love story than Twilight.
Something kinda like that happened to me when I was twelve. 'Profound' arguments with my teachers ensued. Then, one of them told me I put a lot more thought into them than he expected.
Well, that thought process is...somewhat scary. It makes so much sense to let all go. The problem is...what is left then? Are you really happy with someone as apathetic as yourself? Can you really live without caring for others?
I can't and god knows I've tried. I simply care too much for others to only live for myself. I created this kind of dual-personality as being the nicest guy and the biggest asshole all in one. That is even more torture. You started something but are unable to do anything about it. Being selfish (or totally selfless) is easy in comparison.
Also, I don't think you are that selfish or apathetic, Mallajong. You write a lot of fanfiction and everyone writing that will assure you that it is way too much work if you really don't care. See? Simple prove in one sentence without even touching an ounce of psychology or trying to predict you. Just cold, hard facts. Because these facts are the hardest to counter.
This sounds like the introspective part of a novel, where the character reaches an epiphany.
Or you could refer to it as a stupid little fiction piece, that's fine...good....I dunno have a Cradily
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