Havoc and Harmony

by Celestial Harmony Heart

introducing harmony

Hi this is a story about a young mare named Celestial Harmony Heart. Let it be known that Princess Celestia had a lost daughter. A corrupted wizard by the name of Spellcaster held resentment towards Celestia's lover Flaming Shield, who at the time was head of her royal guard. Flaming Shield was a born alicorn, at the time though uncommon, it was not unheard of. Flaming Shield was many things, brave, honest, loyal, kind, and respected among much more. His mane and tail were like a flaming sunset his coat a charcoal grey, his eyes a brilliant gold, and his cutie mark was a golden shield set aflame. Spellcaster envied Flaming Shield. Spellcaster made it an obsession to crush Flaming Shield, he wanted him dead.

Spellcaster was of course a unicorn his main and tail a silverish grey and his coat black as tar. At the time Spellcaster was the royal mage giving him access to every known spell. The spell he had chosen to use to destroy Flaming Shield had to be used at just the right time, and so he waited and waited looking for the opportunity to strike. Then his opportunity arrived, Celestia and Flaming Shield had conceived a filly and her name was Celestial Harmony Heart. Unfortunately Spellcaster had to modify his plans greatly and so he chose another spell. Though Spellcaster was wicked, not even he could bring himself to harm let alone a mare let alone a filly. So he decided he would cast a spell of eternal sleep one that would still time on its victim. Though once again timing was crucial and so he waited once more. He waited nearly 6 years then deemed it time to put his plan into motion. The night before the filly's 6th birthday Spellcaster cast his spell. Then he witnessed the following week, his plan worked Flaming Shield was utterly broken, though he didn't show the true extent of his pain Spellcaster knew. Then after one week had past he hid the filly, claiming that the spell could never be broken. Celestia and Flaming Shield were devastated at the loss of her first filly and even to this day they never truly stopped looking. Then one day both Celestia and Luna became ill neither strong enough to lower the raised moon let alone give rise to the sun. Many unicorns tried to lower the moon and raise the sun not even the most skilled and experienced of wizards could lower the moon or raise the sun.

Meanwhile the lost filly rested in a forest, over the years the claimed unbreakable spell had weakened greatly over time until it had vanished, and released the filly of its hold. She knew not what or why but she sensed not all was well. She started walking letting her hooves lead her way until she reached the city of Canterlot. Then something clicked within her mind, her mother, she remembered watching her mother raise the sun, but it should have already had been risen something must be wrong.She found herself at the entrance of the grand castle and she saw other ponies using large amounts of magic. Then once again something clicked , they were trying to lower the moon to raise the sun. She walked past the ponies to the one who was trying his luck.

"Sir are you trying to move the sun and moon?" She asked he gave her a bewildered look. "May I try sir?" She asked and laughter broke out. She ignored it and instead looked to the moon "If mama can do it, why can't I?" She asked herself then she felt a giant wave of magic wash through. Her her golden eyes determined she spread her fairly large wings for her size and flapped furiously, raising herself off the ground her eyes closed then it was totally dark but she kept going. Then something bright and warm hit her face, she let her eyes open and she saw that she had done what no other could. The moon and stars had been lowered and the sun shown in its place. In her moment of awe she forgot to flap her wings and fell, but she didn't hit the hard ground, she landed on something soft. She had landed on a stallion with a sunset colored main that matched her own, he seemed so familiar until... "DADDY!" she shouted hugging the stallions neck nuzzling her small white muscle into his mane. At first Flaming Shield looked confused, but then tears filled his eyes, it was 'her', after all those years he had found her, he quickly embraced the filly tears of joy streaming down his face. The one thing he had thought he would never see again was now in his hooves once more, his daughter, his little filly.

"Harmony I never thought i'd see you again." He said and held her tighter. Then news that the princesses were well again spread as they walked out into the sun.

"Who is the pony who lowered my sisters moon and raised my sun?" Celestia's voice rang through the young filly's ears.

"MOMMY!" Harmony shouted and leapt from her father's embrace and ran, the crowd of ponies had made way for the filly, as she ran toward Celestia, but guards stopped her. In an instant Celestia recognized the filly, a mother never forgets her child.

"Harmony?" She asked as if making sure it wasn't another illusion, or another dream.

"Mommy!" She said pushing past the guards and jumping into her mothers welcoming embrace. She buried her tiny muzzle into her mother's white coat. "Mommy i'm just like you and aunt Luna see, see I made the moon go down and made the sun come up." Harmony said excitedly. Celestia smiled and laughed.

"I'm very proud of you little princess of mine, and I like your cutie mark." Celestia said wiping her joyful tears. "My wha?" Harmony starts then gasps as she sees her new cutie mark. It was a sun surrounded by light blue, then merged into a silver moon with white stars on a dark blue, with a red heart were the two different blues touch. She squealed with joy and Flaming Shield briskly walks up and smiles. The lost princess, Princess Celestial Harmony Heart, was where she belonged, home.

Author's Note:

ok um im pretty new at this so im really sorry if this sucks next ill try to do havocs backstory

Comments

[Alicorn]

No. Just no.

[ButtEater9]

Okay, there are a great number of issues with this story. I'm going to tell you what some of them are.

1. Capitalization. You need to begin every sentence with a capital letter. You need to capitalize the names of ponies and places. You need to capitalize I. Here are some places where you didn't do that.

meanwhile the lost filly rested in a forest over the years

celestias voice rang through the young fillys ears

"If mama can do it, why cant i?"

2. Spelling errors. There are a lot of spelling mistakes in here, and it is really distracting. You should run it through a spell check program (if you don't have a writing program with one, I believe Openoffice is free, and has one). Here are some examples of spelling errors in your story.

let alone give rize to the sun.

and flaped feriously raising herself

burried her tiny mussle into her mothers white coat

3. Punctuation. There are a lot of places where you have run on sentences, or just forget to end a sentence with a period. Additionally, when you write dialogue, there are issues there as well. I'll give you an example of a sentence that illustrates my points, with corrections in brackets and italics.

She ignored it and instead looked to the moon(You should end this sentence with a period) "If mama can do it, why cant i?" she asked herself(You should put a period here as well, and then capitalize then) then she felt a giant wave of magic wash through her her golden eyes determined she spread her fairly large wings for her size and flaped feriously raising herself off the ground her eyes closed then it was totally dark but she kept going.(This sentence is a run on sentence, and it would work much better broken up into smaller sentences with commas. I'll give you my ideal version of it in bold: She then felt a giant wave of magic wash through her body, making her golden eyes glow. Determined, she spread her larger-than-average wings and flapped, raising herself off the ground. Her eyes shut, leaving her in total darkness, but she kept going, determined to prove that she could raise the sun.)

4. Plot holes, and story in general. So you want to write a story about Celestia's daughter? Alright, that's fine, but you're going to need more than 800 words to tell the tale of her backstory. There is no mention of who Harmony's father is, just a vague description. There's no description of how Harmony was sealed away, aside from a vague mention of a corrupted wizard; we need more than that. There's not even any specific times stated, leaving a great deal of things vague. When was Harmony born? How long was she sealed away? Does this story take place before Friendship is Magic? Before? If she's been sealed away for so long, how come her father is still alive? Ordinarily, I'd complain about her having the ability to raise the sun too, but it makes sense in this case, seeing as she's Celestia's daughter.

Things you did right: -indenting paragraphs. I love it when an author indents their paragraphs; it makes them so much easier to read. You might also want to consider adding a line of blank space between each paragraph as well - it will also make your story easier to read, as well as make your story seem longer than it is.

Things you should fix: -basically everything I said under 1-4. You need to fix the spelling and grammar, and add more to your story to give more detail and whatnot. I recommend finding an editor or proofreader to help you out.

Please don't take offense to what I wrote here; I'm not one of those people who will tell you to give up writing or that your story is irredeemably awful. I just want to help you improve. Here are some groups that may help you find an editor or proofreader that can help you with your story.

[Dreamgirl]

I like it