Havoc and Harmony

Theater Critic

Theater Critic #1 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 3 · · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

I got bored in the first paragraph. This is a decent story. But it needs and editor.

Celestial Harmony Heart

Celestial Harmony Heart #2 · Apr 7th, 2013 · · · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

yeah but what can i say it would be kind of confusing to just jump right in to the main plot without any backstory info then if you read the story you would probably not have a clue why what is happening well is happening and i do thank you for your opinion i agree unfortunetly i don't have even a simple editor because im using WordPad and the knowlege of a JH student but i hope to improve

Alicorn

Alicorn #3 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 4 · 1 · introducing harmony ·

Reply

No. Just no.

JDLENL

JDLENL #4 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 5 · 1 · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

Took one look and decided it wasn't worth reading. Namely because the writer has poor English skills.

R4inb0w-D4sh

R4inb0w-D4sh #5 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 3 · 1 · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

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

ButtEater9

ButtEater9 #6 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 4 · · introducing harmony ·

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Okay, there are a great number of issues with this story. I'm going to tell you what some of them are.

1. Capitalization. You need to begin every sentence with a capital letter. You need to capitalize the names of ponies and places. You need to capitalize I. Here are some places where you didn't do that.

meanwhile the lost filly rested in a forest over the years

celestias voice rang through the young fillys ears

"If mama can do it, why cant i?"

2. Spelling errors. There are a lot of spelling mistakes in here, and it is really distracting. You should run it through a spell check program (if you don't have a writing program with one, I believe Openoffice is free, and has one). Here are some examples of spelling errors in your story.

let alone give rize to the sun.

and flaped feriously raising herself

burried her tiny mussle into her mothers white coat

3. Punctuation. There are a lot of places where you have run on sentences, or just forget to end a sentence with a period. Additionally, when you write dialogue, there are issues there as well. I'll give you an example of a sentence that illustrates my points, with corrections in brackets and italics.

She ignored it and instead looked to the moon(You should end this sentence with a period) "If mama can do it, why cant i?" she asked herself(You should put a period here as well, and then capitalize then) then she felt a giant wave of magic wash through her her golden eyes determined she spread her fairly large wings for her size and flaped feriously raising herself off the ground her eyes closed then it was totally dark but she kept going.(This sentence is a run on sentence, and it would work much better broken up into smaller sentences with commas. I'll give you my ideal version of it in bold: She then felt a giant wave of magic wash through her body, making her golden eyes glow. Determined, she spread her larger-than-average wings and flapped, raising herself off the ground. Her eyes shut, leaving her in total darkness, but she kept going, determined to prove that she could raise the sun.)

4. Plot holes, and story in general. So you want to write a story about Celestia's daughter? Alright, that's fine, but you're going to need more than 800 words to tell the tale of her backstory. There is no mention of who Harmony's father is, just a vague description. There's no description of how Harmony was sealed away, aside from a vague mention of a corrupted wizard; we need more than that. There's not even any specific times stated, leaving a great deal of things vague. When was Harmony born? How long was she sealed away? Does this story take place before Friendship is Magic? Before? If she's been sealed away for so long, how come her father is still alive? Ordinarily, I'd complain about her having the ability to raise the sun too, but it makes sense in this case, seeing as she's Celestia's daughter.

Things you did right: -indenting paragraphs. I love it when an author indents their paragraphs; it makes them so much easier to read. You might also want to consider adding a line of blank space between each paragraph as well - it will also make your story easier to read, as well as make your story seem longer than it is.

Things you should fix: -basically everything I said under 1-4. You need to fix the spelling and grammar, and add more to your story to give more detail and whatnot. I recommend finding an editor or proofreader to help you out.

Please don't take offense to what I wrote here; I'm not one of those people who will tell you to give up writing or that your story is irredeemably awful. I just want to help you improve. Here are some groups that may help you find an editor or proofreader that can help you with your story.

Celestial Harmony Heart

Celestial Harmony Heart #7 · Apr 7th, 2013 · · · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

To 'TwilightAmory': Thanks a lot and yes as you can already tell I don't have an editing program. Thank you so much for helping correct problems. This is my first FIM Fiction story and thus a work in progress, it's also a pass time story as I call it. After a long stressful day at school I sometimes like to write or something and then when i'm in a better mood i'll go back and try to improve it. So thank you you don't know how hard I was crying until I read your comment and I smiled, so once again thank you.

BR

BR #8 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 2 · · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

It's a good story, but it seriously needs an editor. Also, how did you get past moderation with a 600-word story?

Moon-Chan

Moon-Chan #9 · Apr 7th, 2013 · 1 · · introducing Havoc ·

Reply

Whoa. This story needs an editor. It lacks punctuation, spelling, capitalization...
There is real no lead up. No descriptions either.
And from the first sentence, I thought Havoc was a human boy.