An American Dude in Equestria

by Shadowmane

Pt. 5 (Magic)

“I raise quarter horses. Mine are mostly thoroughbred cross horses, a little bigger horses than some people like. I used to raise ponies too, but then Pinkie Pie gave me diabeetus.” — Wilford Brimley

I made a few more lines on the chalkboard and stepped back so that the others could see clearly. “Now, this chunk of land up here is called Alaska. It's part of America too, but hardly anyone lives there because it's mostly covered in ice. The cities are all in the southern parts.”

I'd decided to start small when interacting with the rest of Ponyville's population, and taking a day to teach the school-foals had seemed like a fairly innocuous step. They'd all warmed up to the idea of learning about an alien world and—after I promised to refrain from laying eggs in their brains or enslaving them into my evil zombie army—they practically dragged me into the schoolhouse. Several different classes had gathered into one room to attend my lecture, and the place was just slightly crowded.

Scootaloo carefully raised her hoof so that she wouldn't accidentally hit her neighbors. “Why's it all the way up there? Why isn't the rest of the place America too?”

“It's another country,” I patiently explained to the classroom. “It's called Canada, and they've given the rest of the planet a few good things. Stuff like maple syrup, Rush, and Colin Mocherie, but they haven't had a huge impact on the world. As for why they're between Alaska and the other states, the French claimed a lot of this territory first hundreds of years ago. Eventually the settlers declared their independence and became their own nation, which is something that happened a lot on this side of the Atlantic.” I knew that that last bit was a huge oversimplification, but it would suffice for the time being. I never learned a whole lot about Canadian history anyway. (Or lack thereof. Zing!)

“What's that place down there?” a red unicorn filly that I didn't recognize pointed to the bottom right portion of my chalk map. I'd somehow screwed up the scale and made the landmass in question almost as big as Russia. Oh well.

“That island's another country called Australia. Just about everything that moves there will try to kill you. It's infested with giant spiders, poisonous snakes, crocodiles, and dingoes. Don't even get me started on the dingoes. For a long time, the whole place was used as a natural prison for criminals, because no—”

“Fascinating,” a bored voice drawled from the back of the room. “But I was under the impression that our otherworldly visitor to be up to something more impressive than becoming a common school teacher.”

Everypony turned in their desks to see who was talking, and there were scattered gasps as they laid eyes on the source of the interruption. A blue unicorn mare was calmly sitting on top of a spare desk in the corner with her legs crossed. Her pointy purple hat and cape were covered in circles and stars, and that haughty smirk was unmistakable. It was Trixie the sorceress.

Cheerilee coughed softly from her paper-strewn desk. “I'm sorry, but you seem to be a little old for my classroom. And if you don't want to hear what our guest speaker has to offer, I'll have to ask you to leave.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have time for your prattling,” Trixie said dismissively. She hopped down from the desk, stuck her nose in the air, and loftily stepped around the students to the front of the classroom. “Surely the human has heard of Trixie's amazing talents just as she has heard of him even as far away as Baltimare. Such a shame that you ponies would have one of such exalted reputation in this ramshackle town.”

“Are you the magician that they won't stop talking about?” I asked. I actually hadn't heard a single word about her, but I decided to lead her on anyway.

Trixie sniffed and theatrically held a hoof to her chest. “I am not just a magician. I am the one and only Great and Powerful Trixie!” If we hadn't been in such cramped quarters, she probably would have set off some fireworks out for emphasis.

“So you said. Well, Great and Powerful Trixie, I've heard that your disappearing act is the best part of your shows. Could you skip ahead to that and let us get back to the lesson?”

A few giggles came from the seated foals, which seemed to irritate the unicorn. She narrowed her eyes dangerously. “You dare to mock me? You will not spurn the Great and Powerful Trixie so contumeliously!”

“That's a big word,” I returned mildly.

“If you want, next time I'll say it slower,” she shot back.

I leaped forward and grabbed her by the neck. “HOW DARE YOU STEAL A JOKE FROM THE GREATEST CANADIAN WHO EVER LIVED?” I shouted as I ripped her horn right out of her forehead and shoved it straight into her eye. As Trixie screamed in pain, the students all turned into purple gorillas and started smacking each other with ginormous pink dildos before lapsing into a massively bloody orgy.

No, none of that last paragraph actually happened. You should see the look on your face right now.

Her comment just annoyed me. “Look, if you want to talk, you'll just have to wait until after we're done here. We still have another...” I glanced at the clock on the wall. “...hour and a half to go, give or take.”

Trixie flipped her mane through the air with a sigh. “Very well. But do not think that you have seen the last of the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

With a puff of gray smoke, the interrupting pony vanished. The door slammed shut just behind a retreating whitish blue tail.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the chalk board. I'd deal with her later. But first I had a bunch of foals to teach.

“Okay, now where was I? Were we talking about Australia or Austria? Did I mention a bunch of killer animals or the Governator?...”

* * * * *

After talking a little more about Earth and its various countries, I dismissed the class. The colts and fillies all seemed a little reluctant to leave, but their need to go outside and play overcame their desire to hear more.

“Thank you again for coming in,” Cheerilee said brightly as the last of the students left the room. “I've never seen them so interested in learning before.”

“My pleasure, we should do it again some time,” I said as I took a sip from a small wooden bottle of tea. That day's brew tasted like apricots and raspberries.

I'd never been a big fan of tea on Earth, but the the ponies had hundreds of different kinds to choose from. It was like they'd heard about Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and took it as a personal challenge. There were the ordinary types, like various fruits, berries, and candies, but they also came in some pretty wild varieties such as deviled egg, pickles, hoof polish, and dish soap. The stuff was addictive as all hell, and I'd gotten into the mindset of “Gotta drink 'em all.”

“Are you finally done?” came that pesky voice. The blue unicorn came back through the door with little ceremony.

I sighed. “Yes, Trixie, we're done.”

“I am the Grea—”

“Not right now, you're not,” I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “Just drop it, I'm not gonna add three extra words every time I say your name. Now what do you want, anyway?” I knew that I was acting like a prick despite having just met her, but something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.

“I-I think I'll just be going,” Cheerilee excused herself as she gathered all the papers into her saddlebags. “Would you mind locking the door when you're done?”

Trixie waited until the teacher left before setting her hat down on the nearest desk and shaking her pale mane out. “As you are obviously aware, I am the greatest magician that Equestria has ever been so graced to have walk upon it. I am not called the Great and Powerful Trixie for nothing; I earned the right to use that title through years of dedication to my craft.

“Though my talents have been contested many times, not once have I ever been defeated in an official one-on-one test of skill. As such, I have no laudable competition and I seek a worthy adversary to contend with. This world has been lacking the kind of challenge that I desire, so perhaps a visitor from another one will suffice.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you challenging me to a magic duel?”

“I believe that 'competition' might be a better word, but yes. Do you accept?”

I shrugged and picked up my bottle of tea again. “Alright, you win. Since I can't even use magic, you're the victor by default. Congratulations. Now if you'll excuse me...”

Trixie's eyes went wide. “What? Do you honestly expect me to believe that you could be the subject of such tales and renown without any kind of magic at all?”

“I honestly don't know what stories you've been hearing, and I don't really care,” I muttered as I made for the door. “But no, I can't use magic. Never have, probably never will. Have a nice day.”

My last sentence dripped with scorn as I shut the door in Trixie's aghast face.

* * * * *

An hour after leaving the schoolhouse, I was busy helping Fluttershy in her cottage. A few of her animals had gotten sick recently, and I hadn't been doing anything important, so I decided to offer my assistance. I've always been pretty good at handling animals, and her pets were fairly trusting of me.

I was holding a small gray rabbit still while Fluttershy fed him some carrot soup when the door slammed open. The rabbit jumped out of my grip at the sudden noise and hopped behind a stack of pillows. Trixie stood in the doorway, her cape fluttering lightly in a sudden breeze.

Fluttershy squealed in panic at the sudden noise and quickly flew behind her couch. “T-take w-whatever you want. It's all yours! J-just don't hurt us!” she fearfully stammered as she tried to shrink out of sight.

“As if you have anything worth taking,” Trixie cast a disdainful eye over everything in sight. “Trixie is here to speak with the human.”

“Is this about your challenge again?” I asked irritatedly. I was already getting tired of this.

Trixie put on a wicked smile. “It is, and I believe that you will reconsider now. You see, the Great and Powerful Trixie has something that she believes you will want very much. Somepony, to be more accurate.”

Trixie's horn glowed and a swirling portal of light appeared in the air. The scene that the spell depicted was dark and indistinct. It seemed to be some sort of cave that I wasn't familiar with, but I did recognize the huddled white-and-purple shape...

“Rarity!” Fluttershy gasped from her hiding place. “What have you done with her?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Trixie cast a miffed glance at the timid pegasus as she let the picture fade away. “I've captured her, and if you want to get her back anytime soon, the human must accept my challenge.”

“So you've pulled the stereotypical damsel-in-distress routine?” I asked, pretty annoyed at how cliché this was. “Let me guess, if I lose you'll keep her forever and—”

“Celestia, no!” Trixie shook her head. “I'll release her either way, so long as you make a genuine effort to best me. She's more annoying than I thought possible. I'll just hang onto her for another week or two if you refuse, and I doubt that she would be happy with that. Imagine how irate she will be if you decline now and leave her in my custody for that long.”

So maybe this wasn't quite that cliché after all. “Alright then,” I muttered through gritted teeth. “I accept your challenge. What are the rules to this magic business?”

“It's quite simple,” Trixie said, and she put on her theatrical airs again. “There are three rounds to an official magic competition: a card trick, a light or illusion show, and finally whatever act the magicians wish to end with. Best two out of three wins. A crowd will watch and decide which of us is the greater magic-user.

“We will meet tomorrow at noon in Ponyville's town square. You have until then to prepare.”

With a triumphant smirk, Trixie dramatically drew up her cape and another cloud of smoke announced her departure. The door slammed shut and the escaped rabbit hopped away again, this time heading for the kitchen.

The silence went on for a few moments before a flustered Fluttershy (Flustershy?) stepped back out in the open. She looked a little upset at what had just happened.

“Ohhh, that Trixie makes me so angry, I-I could just...I could just...” Her wings flapped in agitation and she drew her hooves high into the air to give the floor a furious stomp...

Tap.

With that out of her system, she turned to me. “What are you going to do? You can't use magic, you said so yourself. How are you going to beat her and get Rarity back?”

I was still glaring at where Trixie had been standing. “There's one thing better than having magic,” I muttered to myself in that special calm voice that you can only pull off when you're really pissed. The gears in my brain were turning rapidly. “And that's making everyone else think that you do even after you tell them that you don't.”

* * * * *

Twilight's horn glowed as we walked along the rocky hills south of Ponyville. She was using a modified version of Rarity's jewel-finding spell, but we were looking for something other than gems at the moment. It was pretty late in the day for that, but we had to work fast if everything was going to be ready before the next morning.

“Ya know,” Applejack drawled as she followed the two of us, “I don' get why yer goin' ta so much trouble. It seems ta me that ya could jus' show up, pretend ta give a care how this turns out, an' let 'er win. We'd get Rarity back jus' the same, so why're ya gonna even bother puttin' on a halfway decent show?”

I shook my head and stepped over a jagged stone. “We have a saying on Earth: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing. I'm gonna make Trixie regret forcing me into this.”

“Don't go too far,” Twilight warned seriously. “Hubris has always been Trixie's problem. But I understand what you're saying. Who knows how much extra boasting she would do? Saying that she'd defeated a human would stroke her ego to no end.”

I couldn't help but snort at that. “I'll bet that's exactly what she's aiming for. It would almost be worth throwing the challenge just to see her face when that dream gets crushed.”

Both ponies raised an eyebrow at me. “What d'ya mean by that?” Applejack asked.

Before answering, I readjusted the saddlebags so that they sat more evenly on my shoulders. One was already filled with several pounds of white powdery saltpeter. “Think about it for a minute, Applejack. I'm only here because of Twilight's spell, so that technically makes me her minion. So even if Trixie does somehow manage to win, it'll count as a point against Twilight, not me. And since the 'Great and Powerful Trixie' already lost to her once, she'll have to challenge Twilight and win again before she can say that she's the best.”

“How did you know that?” Twilight asked. “I don't remember telling you about the Ursa Minor.”

“Fluttershy mentioned it earlier,” I quickly lied with an inward wince. Strike one.

Applejack raised her other eyebrow at that, but Twilight gave a soft “Aha!” before she could ask any more questions. Twilight's glowing horn pointed right into a shallow crevice in a steep cliff face. A pungent odor like rotten eggs wafted out of the crack.

“Eww,” Applejack brought her hoof to her nose. “Tha' smells 'most as bad as them Diamond Dogs. Do we really need this stuff?”

“Yes,” I insisted as I a small hammer and chisel from one of the bags and began harvesting the smelly yellow rocks that lined the crack's interior. It looked like I could get as much as I needed from that one spot. “Now, Twilight, we need to change the spell again. We need lodestones, can you find some of those? Just a few small ones should be enough.”

* * * * *

I didn't get a chance to sleep that night. I kept a small gas lamp burning (kept far away from what I was working on, of course) into the early hours of the morning as I frantically put everything together. I'd done several all-night study binges for college finals before, but if it hadn't been for the copious amounts of hot cinnamon-flavored tea, I might not have managed to keep myself alert.

The ponies had all offered to help, but beyond a few quick uses of Twilight's duplication spell—which she'd finally gotten to work right at some point—and Fluttershy's assistance at something that I couldn't do myself, I insisted on working alone. This was partially out of concern for their safety and partially because what I had in mind had a very small margin for error.

Pinkie Pie took it upon herself to set out a plate of cupcakes for me, but I was too busy grinding up pieces of scrap copper into powder to notice until several hours later. I could hear them muttering among themselves that I was really dedicating myself to getting Rarity back, almost to the point of obsession. Or something like that. I was a bit too preoccupied with setting a spring in place—and imagining what looks would come onto Trixie's face throughout the contest—to hear everything that they were saying. The others eventually got bored of staring at me hunched over the table and left me to continue my preparations in the main room of the library by myself.

I tried to keep the noise level down after Spike and Twilight went to bed, but failed miserably at it. I'm not sure how they managed to sleep through the hammering, sawing, metallic clicks and rasping, and a series of small explosions that rang out from downstairs. Or maybe I kept waking them up and they were just too polite to tell me to knock it off.

By the time that I was satisfied with what I'd made, the sun had already broken away from the horizon. My fingers were sore. My head hurt. My back ached. My eyes and throat burned from the acrid smoke that hung in the air. But everything was ready, and that was what really mattered. I'd never learned much about performing magic beyond watching a few TV specials and reading a couple of books, but, even without Tesla's cloning device, Ponyville was still in for one hell of a show.

I sighed and pushed my chair back onto its back legs. I closed my eyes for just a moment while I stretched my arms out, then opened them again.

A pair of green eyes stared right back.

“Shit!” I frantically pulled away from the unexpected stare. I overbalanced in the chair and the back of my head smacked into the floorboards. That's one way to wake yourself back up.

“Are you alright?” Sweetie Belle asked with concern.

“No,” I muttered as I rubbed the back of my skull. “What are you doing here?”

The little unicorn tucked a stray bit of her mane behind her ear. “I've been looking for you. I'm worried about my sister, and Apple Bloom said that Applejack said that you're going to get her back. Is that true?”

I really should have expected this, but I'd been focused more on beating Trixie than saving Rarity. I could say that this was because she would be released only if I gave Trixie a real challenge first, but I would be lying if I did. In truth, I'd treated the whole affair as a personal attack that deserved a personal response, and Rarity was just a niggling detail.

I set that thought aside and nodded. “Don't worry, she'll be free tomorrow. You can count on it.”

Sweetie Belle gave me a big smile, followed by an even bigger hug around my waist. “Thank you thank you thank you!” she said breathlessly as her grip tightened. “I miss her so much!”

I gently pulled away from her embrace. She'd stuck her face right into my crotch again and her horn was digging into my gut. “Don't worry,” I repeated softly. “And save some of that energy for Rarity. I bet she's missing you too right now.”

She sniffed and nodded. “She really likes you, you know. She kept talking about how you saved her from the Diamond Dogs, and now she'll be talking about how you saved her from Trixie. She says that you're the best human ever, and I know it's true!”

“Uh...yeah, not really,” I shifted my weight uncomfortably. “There are plenty of other humans who are better than me. I'm just the only one who's here.”

“Well, you're the only one we need,” Sweetie Belle said brightly. “I'll be watching the show and cheering for you.”

With that, she trotted out of the library and into the morning light. It was only a few minutes after she left that I realized that her last sentence might be a really bad thing.

* * * * *

News of the upcoming duel had spread like wildfire throughout Ponyville. As the sun reached for the highest point in the sky, just about every pony in town and a few from nearby villages had gathered at the rickety wooden stage that had been hastily constructed in the middle of the town square. Every cloud in the sky had been repurposed by the pegasi to serve as deluxe seats.

Behind the stage's curtain, I checked all of my equipment yet again. I knew that everything was in order, but the back of my mind kept nagging at me to take another look just in case something was missing. I told myself that I was just nervous and tired, but insisting that everything was fine didn't help at all.

I raised the wooden bottle to my mouth and took a big swallow of sugary blueberry tea. There hadn't been a single mention of any kind of coffee in Equestria, so it would have to do. I knew that I needed to keep myself awake and alert, or else things could go really bad really fast.

Hoofsteps sounded out behind me. I turned and saw a smirking Trixie walk up, followed by a small orange earth pony that I'd never seen before. His blond mane and tail were fairly long for a stallion and a pair of dark green stars adorned his flanks.

The unicorn threw her nose in the air and raised a hoof to the sky. “So, how does it feel to know that you are going to be going head to head against the Great and Powerful Trixie? Do you feel the honor flooding your veins? Can you hear the overwhelming awe of this moment echoing within your soul?”

I resisted the urge to tell her that I was going to make her eat those words. Better to wait and let it hit her in the face a few minutes later.

“Where's Rarity?” I asked instead.

“You'll get your fillyfriend back after your performance,” Trixie declared with a wave of her hoof. “We can't risk having the two of you running away after drawing such a crowd, can we?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure. One thing, though.”

“Oh?” Trixie stopped and turned somewhat more solemn for a moment. “And what is that?”

“Don't fuck with my act,” I said with deadly seriousness. “I'm not kidding around, just don't. If you interfere, you could get somepony killed.”

The orange pony shrank back at my tone, and even Trixie seemed to get the message. Then she put on another smile. “Very well, the Great and Powerful Trixie will not 'fuck' with your routine, whatever that means. Come along, Raiment.”

With that, the pair trotted along to the other side of the backstage, probably to get some last-minute practicing in. I swallowed some more tea and checked everything for the eighth time, almost hoping that there was something out of place so that I could justify the urge to keep looking for it.

Before I could start a ninth search, the magical intercom buzzed to life. “Good day, fillies and gentlecolts!” Spike's amplified voice rang out. “We are here to witness a standoff between two legendary figures. A magical contest of epic proportions that is sure to be told of for ages to come! First is the Gre—Oh Celestia, I can't read this! You can't seriously...wait, are we still going? Oh! It's, uh, Trixie!”

A puff of smoke and a few small fireworks announced the unicorn's arrival on the stage. “That's the Great and Powerful Trixie!” she shouted as the smoke cleared. “And she shall smite anypony who forgets her title!”

A few ponies at the rear of the crowd clopped their hooves politely, but most of the audience kept silent and gave Trixie a distrusting stare. I pulled my hood up while I waited for my turn.

“Well, uh, okay then,” Spike started again. “Also, we have the mysterious human from Earth performing as well. Please welcome Jesse to the stage! Just Jesse? Does he seriously not have any kind of title yet?...What do you mean it's still going?”

I didn't bother with a flashy appearance and simply walked out onto the stage. My footsteps echoed loudly on the wooden planks. I could feel everypony's eyes on me, and I suddenly had a pressing urge to scratch my groin. Of course the itching only starts when I can't do anything about it, I thought in annoyance.

My welcome was a bit more lively than Trixie's had been, but not by much. The ponies curiously eyed the hooded black cloak that I was wearing. Fluttershy had put it together for me, and even though it wasn't as comfortable or well-fitting as Rarity could have made it, it would serve its purpose just fine. The fact that it hid most of my face was just a bonus, albeit one that made me look like a total badass. (I'm not just saying that; Black cloak + bitchin' goatee = awesome. It's science.)

Spike's magically aided voice cleared its throat. “Now that they're both here, let the contest begin! The first round is card tricks, and as Trixie is—”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“...As the Great and Powerful Trixie is the challenger, she will perform first.”

Trixie closed her eyes and pulled her hat off. She reached into it and slowly drew out some cards that I recognized as part of a deck used in Phase. It was a pony game that used sixty cards at once, but only a dozen of them were unique. Each card had between one and twelve black dots on its face, and there were five identical cards for every number in each deck.

Trixie's deck only consisted of the twelve cards, which she telepathically shuffled. “Take a card, Raiment,” she said with authority as she splayed the cards outward.

After her orange assistant took his pick and showed it to the crowd, Trixie shuffled the cards again in a rapid flurry of mid-air motion. From where I was standing, I could see that one of the cards was hanging almost motionless in the air, while the others shielded it from the audience's view.

Eleven of the cards dropped to the stage, leaving the unmoving one still in the air. “Did you pick the two?” Trixie asked proudly and showed it to the gathered ponies.

There was a smattering of reluctant clopping from the crowd. Then their attention was returned to me.

I quickly stuck my hand inside my cloak, reached into a hidden pocket, and pulled out a 52-card deck. There were gasps from the audience, and Trixie's eyes went wide. I ignored her and turned to the gathered crowd while casually shuffling the cards.

“I'll need a volunteer,” I said loudly. “Somepony who has a strong stomach and will be willing to do something a bit odd...”

“Me! Me! Me!” Pinkie Pie pulled herself onto the stage. “Pick me! I'll do it!”

“Okay, you'll do,” I handed her the deck. “Pick a card, any card. Show everypony but me what it is and then stick it face-down on top of the rest.”

I turned around while Pinkie did so and reached into a second pocket. I would have to be really careful now.

“All done!” Pinkie announced proudly as she gave me back the deck.

“Thank you,” I muttered as I quickly slipped my fingers around. Nopony seemed to notice the slight of hand, and I began shuffling the cards again. “Now, Miss Great and Powerful Trixie, would you care to look through this deck and confirm that Pinkie's card is in there and that every single card is unique?”

Trixie roughly levitated the deck out of my hand and looked through the cards. Her eyebrows shot up into her hat as she realized that all fifty-two cards were different, and I could imagine her thinking how crazy I must be to use such a deck for this kind of trick.

After a minute, she swallowed and nodded. “Trixie has seen the pink one's card.”

“Go ahead and shuffle it again if you like,” I said. She did so for a few moments. Raiment cocked his head to the side in puzzlement.

I turned to the pink mare. “Pinkie, would you kindly eat the deck?”

“I will do it, yes I can, 'cause I know the candy man!” Pinkie cheerfully trotted over to Trixie's part of the stage and shoved the floating cards into her mouth.

The entire crowd, including Spike's voice and Trixie, all gasped as Pinkie chewed and swallowed. A lot of them had their mouths hanging open, and they were probably wondering why I'd just sabotaged my own trick. I let the confusion drag on for a few moments longer before I stepped over and grabbed Pinkie's fluffy mane.

I rummaged around in her hair for a second before pulling a card out of it and holding it up for all to see. “Did you pick the ten of hearts?”

The audience burst into gleeful cheering and clopping. Trixie shrank back, a worried expression on her face. Pinkie hummed to herself and stifled a belch as she made her way back into the crowd. At least the ink shouldn't be toxic, I told myself as I watched her go.

“Wow, I think it's safe to say that Jesse's won the first round! Now it's on to the light and illusion show. It's Trix—I mean, the Great and Powerful Trixie's turn again.”

Trixie shot me a dirty look and touched the big sapphire that held her cape together at her neckline. The sun dimmed until it could have been midnight. A few ponies looked around in panic, but most just held still and watched.

Out of the darkness came a light. Trixie's gem glowed blue and green, driving back the shadows. The audience gasped and the light glinted in their wide eyes.

Suddenly more colors poured out of the jewel and twisted through the artificial blackness in bright red and yellow tendrils that twirled and whipped around in a complicated pattern like a gymnast's ribbons. The ponies all “ohh”ed and “ahh”ed and somepony in the middle “Muffins!”ed.

After almost half a minute, the sun came back and the magical lights disappeared back into the sapphire. The audience again clopped in approval and Trixie gave me a smug grin.

“Your turn,” she scoffed almost too quietly for me to hear.

I reached back behind the stage curtain and pulled out a heavy elongated cone made of red paper and cardboard. Little black plywood fins jutted out from its base. I carefully set the thing down in the center of the stage and pulled a long fuse out of the bottom.

At this moment I need to stop and point something out: the ponies hadn't invented gunpowder. All of Trixie's fireworks and Pinkie's bomb used a special magic dust that violently burned and fizzled but didn't explode per se. It was a small but extremely important difference.

My firework was filled with black powder.

I'd tested the stuff the night before and had gotten the charcoal, saltpeter, and sulfur to a mixture that worked pretty good, but those had all been small trial runs. This would be the moment of truth. I flicked a small lighter (yes, the ponies had made those) and set the chord ablaze in a shower of orange sparks.

“Stand back!” I warned the crowd and retreated to the end of the stage. The fuse was already almost gone, and I silently wondered if my rocket would fly into the air and shoot out a trail of green sparks like it was supposed to. Or would it just blow up where it was? Maybe it'll explode twice, I joked to myself.

Actually, none of that happened. The fuse burned all the way, but it didn't set the damn thing off. As the seconds ticked by, the crowd restlessly waited for something, anything to take place. But the rocket just sat there on the stage.

I found out later that, in my rush to get the thing put together, I'd forgotten to actually attach the fuse to the initial thrusters. I had made a perfectly good rocket, but disastrously screwed up one little thing and made the whole thing useless. I'm glad that I don't work for NASA.

Well, that was embarrassing. Despite all that buildup, Trixie won the second round and I had to stick the dud back behind the curtain. (If you're wondering why I didn't just set the whole thing on fire, you obviously haven't spent enough time on YouTube watching and laughing at stupid people doing that very thing. I don't know about you, but I like having skin.)

“That's a bit anticlimactic,” Spike said flatly. “With the score tied, it's on to the final round: freestyle tricks! Show us what you've got, Trixie.”

“I am...oh, never mind,” Trixie sighed in exasperation and turned to the crowd one last time. “For her final trick, the Great and Powerful Trixie will perform an old favorite: pulling a rabbit out of her hat!”

As the crowd murmured and rolled their eyes, Trixie slipped her hat off and showed everypony that the inside was empty. With a quick reach inside she fished out the promised white rabbit by his long ears. He looked pretty annoyed at this and pulled himself free from Trixie's grip before hopping away through the crowd.

Crickets started chirping to fill the awkward silence.

“Also pretty anticlimactic,” Spike's voice muttered. “But there's one performance left. Let's hope that Jesse can end this thing with a bang.”

“One bang coming up,” I whispered to myself as I reached behind the curtain again and pulled out a small wheeled cart. The ponies all leaned forward and craned their necks to get a better look at what was on it as I carefully turned it sideways in such a way that nopony would get hurt.

“What I am about to do is extremely dangerous,” I announced heavily as I set up my finale. Trixie loved melodramatics, so I would give everypony a taste of my own. “This trick has been performed for centuries on Earth, and even to this day infatuates the population. That is because, if it is done improperly, even the most experienced magician can very easily kill himself.”

I paused and let that sink in for a moment before continuing. “I will be doing this trick improperly.”

Gasps came from the audience and several protective parents tried to turn their foals away. I had their attention now, and even Trixie looked worried for a moment before regaining her composure. A few skeptics coughed disbelievingly, but they would be whistling a different tune in a few moments.

I made a big show of pouring more of the black powder into a short metal tube that was bolted to a wooden handle and ramming it down with a long wooden rod. Yes, I had made a gun in Equestria. It was just one and it only existed for a single day, so keep your shirt on.

I dramatically held up a small iron ball that I had painstakingly filed down to the perfect size and shape that morning. “This is the key to the whole trick. It doesn't look like much, but once I pull on this string—” I held it up for them to see “—the ball will be moving too fast for your eyes to see. To give you some idea of how dangerous this little thing can become, I will now give a quick demonstration.”

I rammed a patch of felt and the bullet into the crude pistol and secured the gun in the vise that was on top of the cart. I also had a watermelon on the cart, and the gun's muzzle was pointed right at it. I hadn't bothered to rifle the pistol's barrel, but, since the range was only about a foot, there was no way it could miss.

After a quick second look over the whole thing, I stood back and pulled the string. The string pulled the trigger, the trigger dropped the hammer, the hammer hit the flashpan, and the impact in the flashpan ignited the powder.

BAM!

Everypony jumped and most of them screamed in terror as the cart jumped into the air with a flash of crimson fire and a cloud of black smoke that blasted from the pistol's barrel. Steaming bits of red and green were scattered everywhere as the bullet savagely tore through the melon. A few larger pieces flew a short distance into the audience and drenched the closest ponies in juice. It was a pretty messy scene.

I gave the ponies a minute to calm down, then addressed them again. “Now I want you to imagine that the melon was me. Because I'm going to be shooting that thing at myself now.” I had to hold up my hand to stop their noisy protesting. “I will attempt to catch the bullet before it can hit me. And to make sure that I don't just hide the bullet and pull another one out of my pocket, Trixie will now carve something of her choice into it before I put it in the gun.”

I fished a second iron ball and a small steel needle out of my cloak's pocket. I offered them to Trixie, who wordlessly made her horn glow and levitated them into the air. A few seconds later, the ball had a small copy of her cutie mark inscribed into it.

My hood hid my nefarious smile as I reloaded the gun and reset the vise. The ponies were all on edge and filled with borderline panic. Just how I wanted them. I knew that I was playing on their fear and enjoying myself just a little too much, but I would make it up to them later.

Fortunately, nothing had broken after the shot. Even the hammer's spring was still working fine, which was better than I had been expecting. I rammed the bullet in with extreme care and pulled the rod out again. Nopony noticed as I slid my hand over the end of the stick.

I took a deep breath and stepped back. Everything was ready. “Trixie, would you like to do the honors?” I offered her the string. The audience gasped again.

It was an extremely cruel thing to do. Maybe even the cruelest thing that I've ever done. But it would teach her a lesson—one that she definitely needed.

Trixie's face was blank as she took the string in her hoof and I backed away to put several long steps between myself and the gun on the cart. I slowly pulled my cloak's hood back and gave the audience a final panning view so that everypony got a clear look at my face.

Some of the ponies openly shook their heads at how stupid I was for doing this. Others still hadn't fully grasped what was going on. The vast majority appeared to be completely horrified at what I was doing, but they eagerly looked on anyway. There's something mesmerizing about watching the final seconds of a life, and they all took in every moment that could have been my last. After that demonstration, not one of them seemed to believe that I might actually live though this.

Twilight, Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie were all gathered together under a small tent that was set up near my end of the stage. I'd reassured them over and over that they shouldn't worry about me, but their faces betrayed their distrust. They were all agitated and shifted their weight uncomfortably, except for Pinkie. She was too busy trying to pick a piece of playing card out of her teeth to follow what was happening. Priorities: she haz dem.

I could see several colts and fillies who had been in Cheerilee's classroom, and they all had tears welling up in their eyes. To the rest of the crowd, I was just some alien that they'd caught a few quick glimpses of, but the students had already accepted me as a friend. Perhaps not the bestest friend ever, but a friend nonetheless. Some of them held onto one another and a few others covered their faces so that they wouldn't see me get torn to shreds. The red unicorn filly who had pointed out Australia shook from head to hoof and broke down into noisy sobs.

My gaze ground to a halt as I found Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were both hugging her tight, but her frightened, tearful eyes were fixed right on me. Don't do this, the little white unicorn wordlessly pleaded. Don't kill yourself. Rarity wouldn't want you to do this.

My heart leapt into my throat and I almost stopped the trick right there. Almost. But I gritted my teeth and forced my gaze to focus on Trixie. This was about me and her, and I wasn't about to let her off that easily. She'd called down the thunder, now she had to reap the whirlwind. Her face was a mask of neutrality, but she couldn't stop the hoof that held the string from shaking.

I swallowed and nodded. “I'm ready. Go ahead and pull it.” I bent my knees and held my hands away from my body.

Trixie steeled herself and tightened her grip on the string. She shut her eyes and gave a quick yank...

BAM!

The ponies shrieked again as another black cloud thunderously appeared. I threw myself backwards and grabbed at my mouth. The blast of hot air helped propel me little further. I landed roughly on my back and tried to keep myself lying motionless on the stage.

“Celestia have mercy!” somepony screamed.

“She killed him! That bitch killed him!” Spike's enhanced voice shouted.

“No! Somepony help him!”

“Where's that nurse when you need her?”

“Don't look, Elmsprout!”

“Muffins!”

“Get the witch! It's her fault!”

Trixie was suddenly in my face and shook me frantically. “Get up, get up!” she shouted hysterically as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to kill you! I didn't want it to end like this! Please get up! GET UP!”

“Gerroff me!” I muttered and pulled myself onto my side. I reached into my mouth and pulled the bullet out of my teeth. It tasted pretty nasty from the powder residue. “For God's sake, lighten up. You almost made me swallow this thing.” I turned the ball so that she could plainly see the marking that she'd carved into it.

At the sight of me alive and intact, the crowd went wild. Cheering and stamping and excessive clopping filled the air. Shouts of joy and surprise drowned out every other sound.

“He's alright!” Spike shouted over the noise. “Thank Celestia, the human is still alive! Jesse wins the challenge!”

Trixie took a few steps away from me and slumped to the stage, her wet face blank. Her eyelids spasmed a few times before she closed them tight and furiously wiped her tears away.

Before I could say or do something, Trixie shoved herself to her hooves again. Her eyes snapped open and fixed on me. I've heard the phrase 'glaring daggers' often enough, but that was the first time that I ever felt like someone was literally trying to stab me with a look.

Just as I thought that she might try to impale me with her horn,Trixie stomped a hoof on the stage and disappeared in another puff of magical gray smoke.

A fit of coughing came from the dark cloud. The fumes quickly dissipated, leaving Rarity behind. Her hair was a mess and her coat needed to be washed, but it was her.

“Oh my goodness,” she spluttered and blearily looked around. “What happened? Where am I?”

* * * * *

After the end of the contest, Pinkie Pie had declared that a party was in order. Sure, she thought that every breath she took deserved its own party, but everypony agreed that this time definitely called for it.

I honestly don't remember much about how the celebration went, and most of it wasn't really important. The most significant part was early on when Rarity met with Sweetie Belle and the sisters shared a loving embrace. It was a beautiful moment (just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I can't appreciate a few seconds of sentimentality, so piss off), but I was pulled away from it by a group of ponies asking me to do some more magic tricks. I had to turn them down repeatedly throughout the afternoon.

There was fun and games and I finally got to meet with the general public of Ponyville instead of hanging out with just Spike and the six main ponies and being stared at continually by the others. They all thought that I had just put my life on the line to save Rarity's, and as far as they were concerned that made me a bona fide member of the herd. Even after I assured them that she and I had been perfectly safe the entire time, they thought that I was just saying that and still treated me like a hero. They couldn't have been more awestruck if I'd won an arm-wrestling match with Death himself to get Rarity's soul back and then kicked him in the balls afterward.

The conversations that I had brought a little new insight to my view of the town's inhabitants. I learned that Carrot Top has a phobia of snakes, Big Macintosh's favorite color is blue, Bon Bon had gotten a crush on Raiment during his brief appearance onstage, and the Mayor had never learned how to cook for herself. There were lots of other interesting bits of knowledge, but none of them were really substantial and, like I said, I forgot what most of them were.

One thing that I do clearly remember was setting up a Blackjack table with my remaining deck of cards. The ponies took an instant liking to this game, and I soon had eight rotating groups who all took turns playing while I dealt.

Instead of wagering their bits, the winner of each hand earned the right to dare the loser to do something. Oddly, this usually became a command to kiss another pony. A fair number of the kisses were homosexual in nature, but not all of them ended in disgusted sputtering. A few even dragged on for longer than necessary.

Go figure, I thought as Lyra won with a count of nineteen and made Raiment lock lips with Bon Bon. At least they all had the good sense to leave me out of it.

* * * * *

The sun was sinking as the party broke up. Everypony was worn out, and I had to push my gun cart with one arm and carry a snoring Spike back to Twilight's library tree with the other.

As soon as the door shut behind the three of us, the lights all came on. An unfamiliar armchair was positioned in the middle of the library's main room with its back to the door. A very familiar pointy hat poked over the top.

Twilight and a newly-awoken Spike stared at the chair, but something in the back of my mind told me to ignore it. I reached off to the side and groped around until I felt something in the air and held onto it.

Trixie suddenly appeared out of nowhere as her invisibility spell faded. My hand was caught in her pale mane.

“Release me!” she commanded and pulled herself out of my grip. “How did you know I was there?”

“Stage magic's all about surprise and deception,” I said with a shrug. “Also, you breathe too loud.”

Twilight glanced between Trixie and the hat that was stuck on top of a pile of books in the chair. “I'm confused,” she muttered. “This isn't my kind of magic.”

Trixie waved her and Spike off. “Be gone with you two. I wish to speak with the human alone.”

“He has a name,” Twilight snapped. After a quick exchange of glares with Trixie, she and Spike went up the stairs to the bedroom.

After they were out of sight, Trixie pulled angrily at her cape and let it fall to the floor. She then shoved the books out of the chair and threw herself down in it. I stayed standing in front of her. She glared at me for a full minute before speaking.

“I can't believe you made me do that,” she finally spat. “I'll admit that you had plenty of reason to be angry with me, but that last trick was far out of line.”

I shrugged. “Maybe. Probably. Definitely,” I corrected myself. “Look, I know what that would have done to your career, but—”

“I'm not talking about my career!” Trixie snarled and leaned forward. “You made me believe that I'd just turned into a murderess! I don't know how things work...wherever it is that you come from, but in Equestria, That's. Not. Funny.” She punctuated those last words by knocking her hoof against the side of the chair.

I let her keep glaring for a few seconds. “You're right,” I relented with a sigh and looked down at my hands. “That wasn't funny, and it wasn't fair. Not to you and not to the audience. I really made everypony freak out. I guess I got a little carried away and forgot that this isn't Earth. You ponies definitely aren't ready for stunts like that.”

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes. “Look, I know I was acting like a dick and made this whole thing into a massive pissing contest. I'm sorry.”

It was more apologizing than I should have given and she still had plenty to amend for, but at that moment I was wracked with significantly more guilt than the situation should have warranted. I blame the lack of sleep.

Trixie leaned back again and scratched at her jaw. I noticed that she looked really small and fragile without her outfit. Again there was silence.

“Were you ever in any danger?” she asked a few moments later.

I shook my head. “I was completely safe the whole time. You couldn't've killed me even if you'd meant to.”

Trixie kicked her hooves a few times. “How did you do it, anyway?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” I said with a small smile.

“But that's just it. You're not a magician, or any kind of magic-user for that matter.” Her horn glowed as she magically picked up her hat and spun it around. “And now all of Equestria will know that the Great and Powerful Trixie has been defeated by a wizard who can't even use magic. I said earlier that this wasn't about my career, but I suppose that's not completely true. Who will want to come to my shows now? Thanks to you, I might never get a chance to perform again.” She dropped the hat back to the floor with a sad sniff and a sigh of defeat.

I could have pointed out that this was her own fault. I could have told her that she'd challenged me. I could have mentioned that I'd blatantly told her that I couldn't do magic. I could have reminded her out that she'd captured Rarity to force me into competing. I could have this. I could have that. I could have, I could have, I could have. Maybe I even should have.

But I didn't. Instead, I got a new idea.

“Perhaps you won't,” I said softly. “Or perhaps you'll get more shows than ever.”

“And what makes you think that?” she asked hopelessly.

“Because ponies will line up and literally throw their money at you if you happen to mention that you've learned how to do Earth magic.”

She snorted. “What happened to 'a magician never reveals his secrets'?”

“The same thing that happened to 'you're not a magician or any kind of magic-user.' With that in mind, I can tell you anything I want. Do you want to learn or not?”

Trixie suddenly sat up, her foul mood forgotten. “Yes, please,” she said desperately. “I will do whatever it takes to learn how to perform your tricks. Anything at all.”

“Alright,” I rummaged through my cloak and pulled out the deck of cards from one of the hidden pockets. “That's lesson number one: be more than meets the eye. Be subtle and bring more stuff on stage than the audience will ever see. They shouldn't even know that any of it exists unless you want them to.”

Trixie frowned. “But didn't that pink friend of yours swallow your cards?”

“That's lesson number two: mislead the crowd. Direct their attention away from the real trick, then surprise 'em. This deck has fifty-two cards in it, but I went onstage with a hundred and four.”

It took Trixie a moment to understand. “Two decks? And you swapped them?”

I nodded encouragingly. “You're learning already. I switched the cards after Pinkie gave me her deck, and I had her show you the other one. Since both decks are the same, you saw a card that looked just like the one that she'd picked. And because I knew that she'd set her real card on top of the deck that she handed me, I just palmed that card and pulled it out of her hair after I had her eat the other deck.”

Trixie's mouth hung open as she digested this. “It's so simple!” she gasped. “Why didn't I ever think of it? How did you do your other trick? The one that worked, I mean.”

I fixed her with a very serious glare. “I don't want you to ever use it. I wasn't kidding when I said that a lot of people have died trying to pull it off, usually because they screwed up during the preparation. Too many things can go wrong, and the results aren't pretty when they do. And even if it all goes perfectly, some of your fans might decide to try it themselves and forget that it's really just an act. You don't want that on your conscience.”

“But can't you at least tell me how?” she persisted. “I'll never get it out of my mind unless you do, you know.”

I stoked my goatee (that probably made me look like a supervillain for a minute), then nodded. “I'll tell you how to do the trick, but I won't tell you how I made that special powder that I used. Without it, you can't pull it off. That magic dust that you ponies use won't work.” That last bit probably wasn't true, but it would at least make Trixie think twice before trying.

She waved her hoof through the air. “No matter. I just care about the rest of the stunt.”

“The first thing you need to know is that the gun was deadly, and two things made it that way: the powder and the bullet. I couldn't get rid of the powder without ruining the trick, so I had to get rid of the bullet.”

I walked back to where I'd left the cart by the door and grabbed the pistol, ramrod, and bullet that I had 'caught.' I handed them all to Trixie.

“Try to figure it out.” I said positively. “Remember what I said about the card trick.”

Trixie stared at the pieces and picked them up one by one. She set down the bullet and rod after barely a glance at each. She examined the pistol itself the longest and confirmed that there was nowhere for the bullet to go except out through the barrel. She scratched her head and wracked her brain for a few minutes.

“More than meets the eye...” she muttered to herself. “Mislead the audience...”

I could see the answer pop into her eyes. She picked up the ramrod and held the end to the bullet. The ball stuck to it.

“How did you do this?” Trixie asked as she pulled the bullet off of the stick and examined the end more closely. “Why is there a rock in here?”

“That's a lodestone,” I explained. “They act as natural magnets, and the bullet's made of iron. They're not the most common rocks in the world, but there's nothing magic about them.”

“So it stuck to the stick when you shoved it into the barrel,” Trixie continued the explanation herself. “Then you took the ball with you. Since that was gone, you didn't need to worry about getting killed when I pulled the string. You just hid it until that happened, then pretended to catch it.”

“Exactly,” I said with a grin.

Trixie sat back again pensively and crossed her hooves. “Well. It seems so...so...”

“It's a lot less impressive now that you know how it's done,” I finished for her. “Unfortunately, that's how it is with all the greatest tricks.”

“Do you know any more?” Trixie's eyes blazed with a hunger to learn.

I nodded. “A few. And none of them require any actual magic.”

* * * * *

I had plenty of extra lessons for her. I casually mentioned that she could integrate mirrors into her light shows, plant fake audience members, rig special equipment, and perform some tricks in multiple ways. She learned scores of little tips to enhance some stunts and subtly change others for different effects. Mixing unicorn magic with human “magic” yielded a new experience that she was eager to market to Equestria.

By the time that Trixie departed, she also had a dozen brand-new tricks to add to her routine, from simple card tricks to escaping from handcuffs (hoofcuffs?) to the infamous “saw somepony in half” stunt. She promised to keep the violence on that one to a minimum.

Before she took her leave, Trixie looked at me for the last time. “You know, you're...complicated,” she muttered. “You're full of surprises. I'm not entirely sure if I like you or not, but I'm glad that we met. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you for the lessons and the experience. I won't forget any of it.”

And with that, she disappeared in a final cloud of smoke.

As the library's door slammed closed behind her—she had a really bad habit of letting that happen during her departures—I realized just how tired all that talking had made me. Hell, I'd been up the entire previous night and managed to pull off the greatest magic show in Equestria's history and attended a long party before all this. No wonder I was exhausted. I climbed up the stairs and made a beeline for my bed.

Twilight was pretending to be asleep. I could tell by the way that her breathing was too regular, as well as from the uncompleted letter and inkwell that were laid out on her bedside table. I briefly wondered how long she'd eavesdropped on the conversation and what she'd learned from it, but then decided that I didn't really care.

Before I drifted off to sleep, questions popped into my head. Would Trixie's career really survive after her defeat? Would she blame me if it didn't? Would Rarity approve of me helping the pony who'd captured her? What had she even been doing for the past day? How was this whole thing going to affect Equestria?

After a minute or two, I had much more pressing questions on my mind. Like why I suddenly had to give a high school lecture on the differences between Plato and a rotting ham sandwich that I'd found in a dumpster. And why my students were all narwhals. And why my pants were made of almonds.

Comments

[RazorRaptor9]

This is amazing. My favourite bit was the "; Black cloak + bitchin' goatee = awesome. It's science.)" and the dream at the end. Best story I've read so far, and I'm an avid reader.

[NextaPlaque]

Im afraid to inform you that I am suing you for attempted murder...

...Because I nearly died from laughing so damn hard and falling backwards in my chair!

Loved the random joke you put in the middle of the classroom.

Priceless. Just priceless.

ALL MY FIVE R BELONG TO U.

For the love of god moare!

[Big-Mac-115]

You, my good man, are a genius of sorts. I greatly look forward to reading more of this.

[Meta Knight]

yes yes yes yes yes

i had a dream like that once. except the students were all german shepards and my pants were made of bacon...

[LewisClarke]

THIS IS AWESOME PLEASE DON'T EVER STOP WRITING THESE!

[LewisClarke]

I want all human stories to be like this form now on

[WiseIdiot]

This is glorious, and must continue, it must not falter!

[hanatoro]

You dont have to worry too much about snakes in Australia. The spiders take care of them.

[iFiredone]

Holy crap dude this is beyond awsome. Every thing was well written and the humor was unbelievable. Keep it up

[MLP-Lover]

Don't go doing that to Canada! We have a long and proud history, and we have done many great things for the world, just not in the guns-blazing trigger-happy we the States has.

[MLP-Lover]

*way

[StrykertheZombie]

why is Sweetie Bell always around Jesse's crotch?

[The Gargoyle]

Hurah for slight of hand, subtielty, and winning at all costs!
Also, Mythbusters reference!!!!!

[Therisinghero]

82687 perhaps behind all that adorableness is a dirty mind. Who knows, stranger things have happend

[Tundric Spirit]

that fake part at the top........why........ just WHY!!!